Santa Baby

Christmas has come and gone and basically I am no worse for the wear. Had to tighten the belt a little bit but I was still pretty generous with the Christmas gifts I was able to provide. It all goes back to that rule I have about folks fucking with my Christmas Joy. I wont stand for it.

So right before the holiday I was pulling some pretty evil shifts at work, and while I understand they were necessary, they sho nuff kicked my ass. I mean, in the last year I have seen some of my coworkers age tremendously, and I don't want to fall in with that crowd. I already dye my hair and I am not about to spend what little money I have left over each month on botox or whatever else wont make my face droop. I just have to slow my roll a little bit and ease back on my stress levels.

The first thing I could do to scale back my stress would be to go and punch that fat bitch employee of mine in her throat. That evil sorry bitch tests the limits of my patience every day. She is sneaky, she is insubordinate and more than all that, she is just a lazy fat sow who spends half the day cuddled under the left nut of our bitch made project manager, and the other swinging from our customers balls.

As her direct supervisor (which she would argue) I have written her up, and counseled her several times about how she behaves towards her coworkers. I have even had the Program Manager get her straight, but the fact of the matter is, the tiny bit of work she does is not work that anyone else wants to do, so if the customer doesn't mind her cranking out mediocre shitbag work on the daily until March then fine. I'll fire her ass when the task is over.

The other thing I could do to cut down on my stress levels is go back to working out or doing yoga. All I seem to manage to be able to do is drink mass quantities of red wine. In fact most of the gifts I got this year were wine related. Glasses, decanter, opener, wine bible, actual wine.....you know good stuff. I recently went to my favorite liquor store to pick up a few bottles and presents for Christmas, but I guess I left with too many, cause they asked was I gonna drink it all myself. I wanted to say "well not all at once!" but I just said know and started thinking that perhaps I am in there too much. Then they proceed to tell me that they are open Christmas Eve and Christmas Day just in case I forgot anything. Ha ha wise guys, very cute. If I need more wine this week I wont come here thank you. Everyone is a damn critic.

So I did buy these tiny bottles of Ciroc Vodka that were on sale and pass them out to my coworkers. Let me tell you what, those dudes were elated! I never seen such joy from a damn little bottle of liquor in my life. I bought 10, put a red bow on them, and passed them out. Big huge hit. Yay me! Perfect gift that says "hey, I just wanted you to know that during this holiday, I care about they type of vodka you consume, Cheers". Not that I think its right to put any more cash in Diddy's pocket, but its whatever.

As for my Christmas, I didn't get anything I wanted from Santa. I didn't get Autotune, Terrance Howard didn't leave the country and from what I gather is still pretending to be a singer. Worst of all, Common was not wrapped in a bow under my tree when I woke up. Now granted I am not always the nicest lady, but I have been pretty fucking good this year. Though I have threatened, I haven't physically assaulted anyone. I let my sorry ass fuck up cousin stay here and thought he is gone now he broke up my shit and stiffed me on half a month's rent. I cut back on the use of the word fuck to a considerable degree, and what few dudes I deal with I have been mostly nice to them.....sort of. Look I am trying. The very least that I could have gotten was Common, come on Santa work with me here!

Speaking of random ass dudes, I have never felt as disappointed in my options as I am right now. Even worse, these options could be on entirely different sides of the socioeconomic spectrum and still be fail ass losers. I don't know how that happens, but maybe I should be checkin for ugly dudes or something. Seems like the better looking they are, the more shit they got with them. Oh and don't even get me started on the married loser who was sniffing around. People never cease to amaze me.

Last but not least I think I finally have the motivation to get some of this extra weight off. For the longest though, I just didn't give a shit. I mean its very difficult to want to lose weight when more dudes are checking for you than when you were thin. That kind of negative/positive reinforcement is very difficult to argue with. Sure I like being thin, but I also like food too. The other morning after working like a fool, cooking most if not all of Christmas dinner for the entire family and getting next to no sleep, I started thinking about New Year's Eve with Tres Yellards and started flipping out. What the hell am I going to wear!!!! Well I finally mustered the nerve to drag out my dresses and guess what??? They fit! All of them.

I don't know why, cause I am pretty damn big and haven't done a damn thing to fix it, so I will just take it and pray that they still work at the end of the damn week. Tres Yellard's are headed to some restaurant to partake in 6 course tasting menu with sake parings. Then we will hightail it back here to Casa Avin to sip wine, eat little desserts and count down to the New Year. No boys, no clubs, no bullshit. I will leave that shit to the young folks. I don't fuck with clubs anymore (cause I think after you get to a certain age you should have better shit to do with your life) and I damn sure don't have any desire to be hold up with one of the loser brigade. Me and my homegirls got this "fun" thing down to a science.

See you in the 09!

FAIL

How did I forget about my fail ass cousin!!! OMG I cant believe I left this part out but here goes. My cousin, younger and clearly not as smart as a man should be at 25 is a total and complete blower. By blower I mean he is a damn mess and he has come to live in Casa Avin. Being the nice chick I am, I offer up a room in my house for this dude who I witnessed being born so that he will have some place to stay after being ousted from his main chicks house in VA. somehow someway this fool (a teacher btw) got himself a DWI in a neighboring state and now is not allowed to drive in that particular commonwealth.

Now, he already has a baby by a random chick up in the northern part of the country, and he got said chick pregnant while he was awaiting a lucrative basketball contract overseas. However, he managed to fuck that up and is now substitute teaching in the area. So, last summer the brizzle and the baby come down for a visit while he is living with my mother and while I know he is not still with her, he flips and does the ultimate. He drops the momma and the baby off at the airport, and then picks up this random brizzle and brings her back to my momma's house on the same effing day. I was hot, cause this is not how my family rolls but whatever.

Now I seen random brizzle all over his damn MySpace page looking all extra pressed and whorish all up on the cousin. I don't have shit to do with that really but I find her to be stupid and clearly without class for coming back to a house where the baby momma just left. Just stank. Anyway, fast forward to two weeks ago and Fail ass cousin needs a place to stay. Now I guess I forgot about Random Brizzle #1, but homechick is still around.

Now mind you I never met her until tonight, but I have met PLEANTY of other random brizzles going in and out of my home like its a damn bus station. There is Brizzle #2 who showed up at 5 am for what I can only guess was some hoodrat shit and Brizzle #3 who I only got a glimpse of going out the door. So now I am thinking Brizzle #1 is the main Brizzle cause she is in my goddamn kitchen right the fuck now. Have I mentioned my issues with OCD and not wanting folks to touch my shit? Yeah I am there right now.

So not only has FAC had 3 separate whores in my home, a dude who wont shut the fuck up and broken my dresser drawer but he hasn't paid me my rent, he wont put his damn dishes in the dishwasher and I am ready to throw his bitch ass out.

Oh and my mother says "oh you wont even know that FAC is there, he is never around and really quiet". Another reason why mom needs to be put in a home, and I need my fuckin head examined. Pray for me, cause I think I might have to kill him if he doesn't get an overseas contract soon.

The Green Light

I shouldn't wait so damn long to update but I swear life just gets in the way. I always think about posting, but when I get home I am just too damn tired, and in a few weeks time things change drastically, but I am ready to go right now so lets see if I can give you the scoop on some of the bigger items going on since my trip to Alabama.

Work work work. I guess work is just fine, things are the same as they ever were which is busy, but that is to be expected I guess. Lets just not talk about it okay, I gotta get up and be there again tomorrow and I ain't pleased.

I did manage to attend the NKOTB concert with my friend Rachel and it was amazing. Yes I know what I said about not being their biggest fan (that would be Rachel) but I did really have a ball being 13 again. There is something so liberating about being able to have fun without a thought as to who might care how silly you look. I screamed at the top of my lungs, I sang all the songs I knew and I actually danced. I got a little static from one of the kids at work but really, who gives a shit. I actually went in the next day and showed my coworker my merch and I even harassed her with the the "Right Stuff" dance most of the day. A good time was had by all. Oh and that last pic is of a 40 year old Jordan Knight. Fellas, please step your game up.

On the home front mom got her knee replaced and seems to be recovering very well. I don't want to speak on that much or else she will call me and I will have to go over there and do some shit for her that my father should be doing. He has been completely useless and I am not particularly surprised, I am just tired as shit.

I have dyed my hair twice in the last 2 months. The first color (though everyone seemed to like it) was some sort of sickly orange pumpkin looking shade that I could not get rid of fast enough. I think going lighter is just a damn mistake at this point. Unless I am willing to fry it with bleach and spend a fortune then I just shouldn't do it. Fail ass fucking color had me pissed for weeks. Then I dyed over it with a very dark brown which I love. I need to get it cut though because I think I am super bored and its not nearly as sophisticated as I would like it to be.

Then there are the things that I cant elaborate on. Like the old friend who has become a new friend that I am attempting to get to know again. Its new and its scary and its old and its familiar and I have no clue what the hell is going on really. I keep telling myself that shit changes, and I've changed and that maybe my friend has changed too but it all feels the same, and that shit makes me nervous. I don't know if I have the energy and its just fuckin complicated. So I think I am just going to pray on it and hope it goes well. Yes me pray, don't act like I don't pray! I might cuss like a sailor, and tell folks to eat a dick on a regular damn basis but that has nothing to do with my personal faith.

I have been fighting to lose what has become an obscene amount of weight that crept up from what I can only assume was the gates of hell or the dunkin donuts (same difference) and applied itself everywhere it could. I have been sporadically going to the gym and trying to work it off, but with mom's needs and the kids troubles in school I haven't had a second to breathe much less run on a treadmill.

The most irritating thing about the weight gain is not the fact that I am a little wider or fuller in the middle, its these new ridiculous chi-chi's that sprang up on my chest! I have never been a super flat girl, but never has my cup runith over. I cant even begin to guess what size these things are, but they are a pain in my ass. I cant sleep on my tummy at night, my shirts all ride the hell up like I am attempting to recreate a music video, one of my bra's actually broke. BROKE people!!!! I went out shopping for new bras and went a size up only to find that those motherfuckers don't fit either. I refuse to believe that I have moved into a D cup in less than a year. That shit is super impossible and can only be described as complete and utter bullshit. Kenya says that losing weight isn't going to make them go away and that I am stuck with them for life, but I think she is just attempting to scare me.

Also, I just got back from NYC, which was fabulous. I actually went up for a day shortly after returning from Alabama to attend a fashion week dinner, but the motherfuckers in my office effectively ruined that shit for me by calling me all damn evening. Not only that but they started calling me again on Monday morning at the crack of dawn which caused me to come all the way back home early and miss out on a bunch of fun type shit.

This time I went to visit my homegirl Heather and partake in a fabulous meal of KFC. No not that kind, I am talking about Korean Fried Chicken. She has been telling Li and I about it for months, but we finally got a chance to get up there and taste it for ourselves and let me tell you it was totally worth the drive. Oh yeah that was the other thing, I drove. Apparently the Acela ain't got shit on me cause I made it from the top of 495 to the Lincoln tunnel in 2 hours and 45 min. I didn't even think I was going that damn fast but folks are saying I broke some sort of land speed record in the Camry. Who knew??

We also attempted to see Stetsasonic (the original hip hop band) at the Knitting Factory that night, but let me tell you what, it did not happen. Sure we saw some wack ass battle rappers and of course we saw Just-Ice and the Jungle Brothers (minus a member) and I think YZ was on stage at one point but no we never did see Stetsasonic. Why do you ask? WELL, turns out the promoter was straight booty, and the show was all over the place. The company was great, there were plenty laughs, there was lots to drink, but there was no Sally. None.

There was however a random ass appearance by Keith Murray who came on the stage with about 45 random ass negroes. He managed to get out two familiar songs, one verse of Special Delivery and The Most Beautifulist Thing all late and wrong but he didn't sing Lifted so at that point I didn't give a shit AND it was like 12:45! Once he got of the stage we just knew Stetsasonic was next but nooo. All of the sudden there were more random fail ass negroes on the stage. That's when we broke the hell out. Heather's friend Steve was pissed, Li and I were tired, Heather was disappointed and we were all hungry. Once our bellies were full we retired to Casa Heather and the next morning we headed back to DC.

We had a ball though, between the bloody mary's, laughing with India, cutting up with Steve, makeup, hair and music convo with Heather, playing with Syd V. and twittering non-stop a good time was had by all. Gotta do that again real soon.

Well that's the best I do this go around.

The Business

I am so happy to be home from my business trip. Let me tell you that the last place you want to go in August is Alabama..trust me. Sure we got a ton accomplished but between the heat the smell, the briefings and organizing I am whipped. It wouldn't be so bad if that's all I had to do, but the nature of my position requires me to do a whole lot of meeting and greeting. That and a healthy dose of babysitting. Grown ass men are not to be trusted on Tdy period. Twice I was sure we would get kicked out of an establishment or that the comments produced from their mouths would surely offend. Damage control is my life and granted I cause my own share of shit, but I don't advertise and it pretty much flies under the radar.

So my trip started with 3 delays in Atlanta and missing, wet luggage at midnight in a Podunk town in a shitbag airport. It pretty much went downhill from there despite my best efforts. I will however admit to being on a completely dismorphic pms tear that was accelerated by a dumb ass question and resulted in some seriously hatefilled and alcohol feuled text messages which while I am aware were totally spiteful weren't totally off base or that far out of character for me. Ehh whatever I apologized, but I swear some folks got it coming.

I swear I try to be nice, but really other folks make it so damn difficult. In truth, everyone is good with me till they fuck up and do something stupid...and that my friends is something you do not want. I am practically surgical when it comes to anger. It becomes a blind rage that shoots forth with crazy intensity and zero remorse. There is a "god help you" that is automatically applied to a person on the wrong side of my wrath. I'm not unfair, I just have a super low tolerance for anything bullshit related.

This time it started with the question "are you mad at me" recieved on day 4 of 7 after another long ass day playing hostess with the mostest and sitting in boring meetings with several adult children. I was continuing to discuss work with work folks we depend on when this question appeared on my phone. I think I heard myself snap at that point. The match was lit and every one and thing in my wake was not only scorched but charred and cremated. It was sent to elicit a response and it got one. My response? A sustained stream of fucks that later evolved into me telling a co worker to eat a dick. Oh well he had it coming too.

I have yet to figure out why this generation produces such soft, nutless men. I have joked about it on occasion, I have even hinted about it, and sometimes (such as this one) I have called the nutless bitchmade man out to their face.....all to no avail. I don't know that pointing out the problem actually ever solves it. I think for some its another opportunity to pretend they aren't neutered skirt wearing pussies. Gutless, witless grown ass men unable to handle their own lives, families, subordinates, ex-wives, jobs, money and affairs all while letting people punk and push them around laughing at their weakness and crushing them under foot like little sticky pink marshmallow bunnies. I will get into real men and the ability to keep and carry one's own nuts another time, but yes this exactly what sent me in to a fucking tailspin.

So now I am finally home (bought my freedom) as though home doesn't present it's own damn challenges. I am just going to attempt to enjoy my weekend and not cause or entertain anymore shit. I do know two things. 1. Don't chase pavements. Give the hell up and let shit chase you and 2. When in the deep south do not expect straight hair no matter how much product you attempt to use.

Chasing Pavements

I think my purpose on this planet is to untangle this crazy life of mine day after day. Its either that or I have been put here to document the fuckery. Things are insane and yeah yeah I know you are thinking "damn she always says that" but really there are just no words for the insanity erupting from my situation these days.

I had a shitty run in with the ex recently thanks to my mother who somehow after 32 years in the education field didn't understand my asking her if he was at the house. Of course she says no and I walk dead into an ambush. I don't know why people just don't go away. Its so easy, I mean I go away! Now I got this fucker texting me, trying to nudge his big ass into a window that ain't open. One word: FAIL

I did manage to get a new iPhone, I mean come on y'all knew I was going to get one. After all the drama and stupidity surrounding the loss of the last one, I just couldn't see my life continuing without the new one in my life. I did it the same way I did last time. Ordered it on direct fulfillment and kept it moving. Avin waits in no line.

There is also this work drama unfolding, but if you read this thing you already know I cant talk about it. I mean I would if I could but who the hell knows if someone is monitoring this thing right?

Sleep is forbidden. Diddy is right (damn I hate to admit that) and apparently I cant seem to get any sleep in this piece recently. Its one of those things where I wake up 3 or 4 times a night wondering why the hell I am awake. The other night I actually woke up and thought how nice it was that this was only the second time I woke up as opposed to the third or the fourth. Crazy right? Someone mentioned that I should get up and blog in the middle of the night when I wake up but I cant really see my way to getting out of the bed and firing up the PC to bore the hell out of y'all with my late night ramblings, I mean this is bad enough! Yeah I need to rest, it would probably help.

I think I am going to Alabama for some conference the end of the month and guess what will not be with me? That's right folks my iPhone. I am leaving it safe and sound here at Casa Avin and I am going to make due with the crank powered POS model. Sure I cant do anything with it, but really do I need the type of heartache I endured in June? Me thinks not!

Oh and my mother has gone completely insane. I don't know what happened to her or if this is the onset of senility, but she is completely batshit crazy. She has done and said some amazingly padded room type of shit lately and I am just wondering if my insurance will cover her committal. I love her, don't get me wrong, but she is not right these days and I don't see it getting any better anytime soon.

I think I had more to talk about, but I am just going to continue to chase pavements, sleep and paper.

Its Not My Problem

The world is filled with folks who feel that nothing is their damn problem. Why is that exactly? I mean sure not everything is your problem, but a good portion of all the bad shit that happens on a daily basis occurs because folks just don't feel like they have any personal responsibility for anything anymore. Take for instance the situation with my niece, time and time again I hear "she isn't your problem" or "are you sure you should get involved" and to that I say "Who the hell else is gonna do it if I don't?" Y'all are the same fuckers who will be bitching about how the world has gone to hell in a damn hand basket cause no one is checking for these teenagers out here. I just get frustrated thinking about how folks not only don't see that being a part of this world doesn't involve living in a bubble and pointing fingers at shit that isn't right. Sometimes damn it you gotta get involved. Cognitive Dissonance is running rampant in America and I refuse to be a part of the problem. I cant change everything, but I will do what I can, and I am deciding to start right here.

I Am Not My Phone.....I think.

Ive been robbed people! ROBBED, or as the boyfriend so eloquently put it when I told him "someone caught you slippin and you won't ever see that joint again" thanks baby, you sure know how to make a girl feel good.

Sometime Tuesday evening during dinner my iPhone went missing. Just up and grew legs and walked right out of my life. I wasn't too worried at first, as soon as I realized it was absent I called back to the restaurant and asked them to go look for it. Of course it was no where to be found. The guy on the phone said that once the cleaning was done it would probably turn up. I assumed as much and went back to my lumpy ass hotel bed to try to catch a few winks.

So for the first whole day that my beloved iPhone was missing I just decided to be in denial. Someone would be kind enough to turn it in right? Someone somewhere would find it, feel my pain and sadness from losing the one constant in my life. The most counted on and treasured item I own. So I just didn't think about it. This morning I woke up in my lumpy ass hotel bed in a cold sweat. My phone, its out there somewhere, cold alone, and off! Sadness washed over me like I assume soap and water would wash over Jim Jones if he had ever had a bath before. I wanted to throw myself in front of that damn sorry ass trolley that keeps ding, ding, dinging past my window every 3 minutes. Depressed? Yeah you could say that. Dramatic? Well, if you know me then you know full well how I feel about that phone.

I should have guessed that my poor phone wasn't safe here in a city full of cowboys and geeks. I mean its an IT convention! I haven't ever seen a more busted bamma ass group of folks all gathered together in one spot in all my 32 years. So now I sit using this crank powered piece of shit office phone trying not to think about all the things that I could be doing with my iPhone like listening to my Hall & Oates Greatest Hits or sending out funny text messages. I am just disturbed all the way around. So I called AT&T to see what if anything could be done to locate my best friend, and let me just tell you that I should have saved my Verizon minutes.

That motherfucker was so not helpful AT ALL. Then to add insult to injury he tells me that I cant replace my beloved phone because Steve Jobs is unveiling a new version next week, which wont be available for purchase till the end of the month and I will probably have to sell a kidney to get.

How will I Google song lyrics now people??? How can I effectively judge the distance between my condo and the coldstone if I cant map it from the palm of my hand? I wonder if it was that vendor guy we ate dinner with. He was extra shady and seemed a lil too interested in my phone. Call the coroner! There's gonna be alot of slow singin and flower bringin if my iPhone starts ringing. I did tell you that the thing is not on right? Either someone thinks they are slick or they just haven't found a place to hook it up yet. I am waiting on those bastards. Seriously I am starting to think it was that vendor guy. He was WAY too friendly. So people, if you know me, hit me up one mail and give me your contact info again and pray for me, cause I have a 2+hour flight back to civilization tomorrow and I have to do it without the dulcet tones of Mariah, Estelle, Lil John or Steely Dan. I never thought I would quote a child molester but "Heaven I Need A Hug"

There will be updates people....Trust and believe!

Just Another Day in The Life of the GD Boss

I have sooo much to discuss and I am quite sure I will not remember it all but I will try to catch y'all up in bits and pieces and then anything beyond that I will just come back and fill in later. Its the best I can do, so just work with me here folks.

When last we left Avin she was gushing about her new man and her new job and her new condo and essentially her whole new life, well all of these things still stand true and some other new developments have occurred as well as some general bullshit to rant about cause I can.

The job is still amazing. Somehow I managed to turn into a Project Manager in less than 3 months (go figure) and I am loving it whole heartedly. With the exception of a few gameless nerd type advances I fend off on the daily, the job is both challenging and hilarious. The commute is amazing and well I am just loving life there. I also hear that my old job is on the lay off route, handing out pink slips faster than Lil Wayne can show up on a remix. I would LOVE to tell you that I am shocked, but I feel like that company has been ridin dirty for a minute now, so I will save you from the fake shock and awe. I hear that moral is LOW as a Flo-Rida number one single and they even canceled one of the things that folks looked forward to doing there. It didn't even cost money but hey, way to rally the troops! The general consensus is that I was smart to roll out when I did, and I have to admit that the changes I made to my life last fall have been amazingly good for both body and soul, not to mention paycheck and sanity.

I also managed to have a birthday recently, and it was not eventful which I was very happy about. I don't like a big fuss so I enjoyed just relaxing and eating sushi on my birthday. I also got great presents like wine, jewelry and gift cards so you know I was pleased. The boy also had a birthday, making the gigantic leap to 15 with a head full of impossibly huge curls. He is growing his hair out and has attempted to get braids twice. His curls are rebelling against this but I figure a smaller braid and a little patience will get him where he wants to be. Its great to see him expressing himself despite the crazy looks he is getting from his grandfather.

I don't even know how to put into words this next part for fear of completely jinxing myself but I may be a mom again very soon. NO I am not pregnant. My wonderful amazing and gorgeous niece may have the opportunity to come live with me for her senior year of high school. There are some hoops to jump through and some details to hammer out but she has always been like a daughter, and she and the boy have been best friends since the crib. They are more like siblings than cousins anyway. Just send one up for us okay, cause we love her and I think life would be amazing with her.

On to the rants.....First, I heard some of those nonsensical idiots at my job in the hallway talking loud and wrong about going to Rio. So of course I had to hit them off with the blog post from back in 06. No one talked to me for a straight week. Oh and just to give you an idea of the amount of maturity we are working with here, the only comment that I got after having to confront the primary loud mouth about his thoughts on the post were that I was (and I quote) "A Hater". At that point I realized that a more sensible adult conversation could have been achieved talking with my Yellow Lab and chunked the deuce to the idea of rational thought. I gotta stop talking to children like they get it.

I gotta tell you though, that's twice in a month that I have heard some little children talking about people either being or having haters. I think I am going to pull rank on this one and be the first to put a moratorium on having or being a hater after the age of 30. I am 32 and I do not possess nor do I actively engage in hate. I hate traffic, I hate slow computers and I hate gas prices but I do not "hate" on folks. I am grown, and I have too much to do to be involved in some nonsense like that. You should have more to do with your life at 30 too, but hey I am just going to speak for Avin on this one. I am still waiting for Mike's son's list of "Things adults shouldn't say" to come out. He has been working on it since the fall so it should be pretty comprehensive. I will keep you posted.

So New Kids (and I use the term New and Kids very loosely) are back on the scene and in the words of my friend Rachel she is "Siced like Minute Rice" about their impending tour. I wasn't a New Kids fan back in the day, but I do know enough about them and their music to appreciate what is going on. I love music, and I pretty much would have had to live under a rock not to know their names and songs back then. I am guessing the tickets are going to go for a grip and a clip though. Start selling off those kidney's ladies. I pray you guys don't wind up with a Jon B. experience out of this.

I have to tell you that I was really hoping that the new E=MC2 was going to be the bomb.com and not some old bullshit. She had a tough act to follow after the Emancipation, and though you all know how hard I Stan for her, I was worried as hell that this new album wouldn't be so fabulous. I am really annoyed that people don't get her. Its sad that she had to pull the whole "Intensive Purposes" card with the "Touch My Body" video. By now someone should have figured out that her whole shtick is intentionally comical, but hey I don't expect a whole lot from folks in the way of brain power these days.

Mariah Carey...Oh boy well. First let me start by saying I have had E=MC2 on heavy rotation in the Camry. I love it, but I have to admit that I don't love it as much as the Emancipation. I do have a few cuts that I think are highly workable. That Chick is amazing and I can be caught flying down 495 with the windows down practicing my Mariah-isms. I love the Touch My Body Rick Ross remix as much as I am loving Rick's "The Boss". Cruise Control is cool, I'll Be Lovin U, and Love Story are good cuts. I like how she got up in Tommy Mottola's ass on Side Effects, but I almost wish she had managed to go a little harder. When you put Jeezy on a track you should be prepared to come hard and hold no cut cards. She broke it down, but I wanted her to put foot to ass verbally on that track and it just didn't happen.

Of course the love of my E=MC2 life is "Heat" a track only released on the Japanese version of this album (I wish folks would stop doing that shit) that I accidentally heard on the local Baltimore urban station (that I despise) while doing time on the outer loop at 5pm. I am quick to Google some stuff so before the end of the day I had managed to find the cut and download it and get it on my iPhone. I am nothing if not diligent. Now on to the real business.

What is really hood with this Mariah marries Nick Cannon nonsense???? I am real confused and all I am hoping that this is an Ashton Kucher "Pop Fiction" situation occurring. Even though I have been getting information on the ring, the license and the location. Right now I am just going to put on my Aviators and pretend its not happening. Join me wont you?

Speaking of which, I am very excited about this summer's fashions and beauty, so I am going to cut it out with all the Me Me Me nonsense and carry this discussion over to 99 Products because I have been super missing in action there, but I do my best blogging during the day and I am way too busy during the week and way too tired at night. Sorry, I would say I was gonna do better, but y'all know me.

Oh yeah go see Iron Man! It was off the meter and the kids loved it! Heck I loved it, with the exception of little high voiced Terrence Howard. He always sounds so bitchmade and it drives me insane. I need him to work on getting some base into his voice or getting his nuts to drop or something. Robert Downey Jr. was phenomenal. The stunts, the special effects and the plot was great. So don't wait on it, just go do it. Its worth your money.

I am sure I have forgotten to talk about something. I am sure I will remember right as I either log off or get back in the car to go somewhere but who knows. I know I couldn't possibly be finished talking but I think I am going to give up right now.

Later folks.

Are You Still Down

Well for those that don’t know, I have always and forever been in serious love with the one and only Jon B. I am one of those people that have all his albums and play them to distraction. I am sure I have written about him on here a time or two, but not recently. That has a lot to do with the fact that he has been pretty much out of the spotlight for the last 5 years. So when I heard on the radio that he was coming to town for a one night engagement I was seriously siced. I emailed all my homegirls and let them know that I had every intention of being up in the place to see Jon B and I hoped that if they loved him like I did that they would join me. Everyone was pretty excited but they had all made other plans for Friday night, which I understood considering I only found out about it Wednesday so it was understandable.

My friend Erica wasn’t busy and was very interested so we got the tickets and planned to meet up Friday night for dinner and drinks and then off to the show. Sounds reasonable right? Well, neither of us had heard of the damn venue. It was some club called Life, and it was not downtown, no....it was on University Blvd. I spent two days trying to mapquest the damn place to no avail. I mean seriously it couldn’t be that hard to find right? Come Friday I had my friend John call up and see what was what. He talked to some dude on the phone who gave us a vague idea of where it was, but not really. John was like "oh and they want $150 for VIP". Now, if this place was even close to where I thought it was there was no reason they should be asking for that kind of money to get into VIP. Let me explain. From what I could gather, this "club" and I use that term very loosely, was situated between a decaying strip mall and Tick Tock Liquors. Tick Tock, for those that are unfamiliar with the metro area, is one of the oldest most run down liquor stores in the county. I remember being grossly underage and still purchasing shit from Tick Tock. No one cared and I am pretty sure that’s still the case. The strip mall hadn’t been popular in at least 25 years, and the only thing I ever remembered purchasing from there were a pair of gigantic gold bamboo earrings with my name in them. It was the 80's so cut me a damn break.

Anyway, we managed to meet up and get cute at my condo. Watch a little TV, get our makeup right, catch up on old times and drink a glass or two of wine. It was turning out to be a pretty decent evening, and so I was hopeful, I mean it’s not everyday you get to see your favorite artist in the flesh.....even if it is in a strip mall. So by the time we had dinner and got on the road we were having fun and ready to enjoy our evening. It was about 9:30 and we see spotlights, you know the kind that they haul in close to a club to get folks attention? Well we pull up and my first clue that something wasn’t quite kosher was the fact that the name on the front was completely different than where we were supposed to be going. I guess they figured that the little banner that was sort of covering the old sign would work. So I look at Erica and say, are you ready for this. She nods and we proceed to the door. It all went downhill from there, and fast. The front door was flanked by three bouncers who checked my ID, my purse and then our internet pass. I couldn’t figure out the layout of the place cause the lobby was so strange, there were two doors. One in, one out and a reception desk where they checked my name off. This dude wearing dark glasses let us in through the left door (have I ever mentioned how much I hate sunglasses in the club?) and we stepped into what can only be described as the most tired, low budget club I have ever seen in life.

There was a bar with one salty ass bartender, a dance floor the size of my living room floor, a stage that had a sofa on it, three round top tables with stools (all full) and three or four bullshit VIP areas. Two faux Ikea couch areas with busted looking chipped ass tables, one gigantic sectional sofa with a velour rope in front of it that looked like it was made from my grandma's old curtains, another VIP with a sofa bench thingy and some of those plastic block tables you get from the drugstore, and three of those booth area things that looked like that’s where they put folks who had more than 4 people in their dinner party. This place was a damn restaurant, and not a very good one at that. The bar itself was made from some sort of plywood and Erica commented on its "craftsmanship" immediately. I was totally blown, but not because the place was the size of a shoebox or that the bartender was salty as fuck. No, I was blown because there was not one effing place to sit down that wasn’t already taken, and the so called VIP areas were clearly falling under my wish factor as in "I wish I fuckin would pay $150 damn dollars to sit on that shit!

We finally got bartender homegirl's attention and got two drinks. Goose and Cranberry and Goose and Tonic. The bitch said $16, and I almost lost my damn vision for a minute. She hadn’t first filled the cup up all the way, and $8 in a shitbag club was not my idea of a good deal. Then we proceeded to stand, and stand, and stand until 10:30 when I finally asked Erica, "okay so do you think he is really coming cause if it were me when they pulled up to this joint I woulda told them fuck no and told the driver to keep going" she laughed but she agreed, between the running collage of photos of party goers with who had to be the owner in every.fucking.shot on the two big screens, and the fact that the place had beams that seemed covered in asbestos, and that if one more person came through the door we were going to be grossly over the fire code I couldn’t figure out how exactly they had managed to pass county code. In retrospect I am not sure that place was up to code at all. So, we passed the time making jokes about the photos, making jokes about the people that came in, and getting increasingly angry about this non-existent concert all while shifting from foot to foot.

So at 11:30, Erica finally went over to the owner who was milling about in the club of course, but not doing a damn thing to get the show started, and asked him when the hell the show was going to start. He told her a half hour, which I thought was bullshit, but I mean maybe that was just the pain in my feet talking. It was clear that we had both wasted perfectly good outfits and shoes in order to come out to this rag tag hell hole. No one in that camp was wearing anything over $30 total, and that is the god’s honest truth. I could have come up in there in my houseshoes and a bathrobe and I woulda fit right in.

The bathrooms, um....well let me tell you what. I didn’t pee, and I needed to go. Erica went to wash her hands but quickly found that she had to share the sink with Randy the Roach. That was it for her, she was ready to go at that point, but now its midnight, and damn it I paid money to see Jon B. We both agreed that we had stood and put up with enough fuckery to leave at this point. We finally went outside for a while, just so we could sit in the damn car, I mean why the fuck don’t you have more chairs? We sat in the car for another half hour and went back inside only to find about 20 angry ass people going at it with the club staff. Of course they all conveniently couldn’t speak English at this point. It was truly about to be some shit in there, and I think the owner finally got the message.

Now, I don’t blame Jon for the niggatry that was running rampant in that camp, I blame that owner, cause if you are pressed to fleece people for $40 at the door and $8 for a half cup of liquor, and $150 just to sit the fuck down, chances are you are probably trying to find a way not to pay your entertainment what was negotiated. Turns out Jon had been there for over an hour, so something was up. No one in their right mind would have wanted to hang out in that camp any extra time unless they had to. Jeanie Jones finally came out in what looked like a still living fur coat and a weave that had seen better days. She finally announced Jon B. at 1:15 am and then she rolled the hell out.

Honestly, I was too irritated to care. I was so fucking blown, and tired and generally over it that it coulda been Barack Obama handing out $100 bills and refunds and I still wouldn’t have gave a shit. I never even got close to the stage and there was plenty of room. I was just to fucking tired of standing. He sounded good, he looked good, but when your feet hurt who really gives a damn. Oh did I mention that these bastards didn’t even bother to remove the empty drink cups from the stage before he came on? I mean, Jon might not be on the top of the charts but seriously, that shit was disrespectful. He fell off but not that hard! Not hard enough to have to dodge empty cups and shit.

So about two songs in I notice two things. One, Jon is sweating like he is on the Amistad and two, is that a damn gold tooth in his mouth???? Seriously, what has the world come to when Jon B. is rocking a damn gold tooth? I am not talking about fronts or a grill or anything, just one damn ridiculous ass gold tooth glinting in the light. Yikes! Then he performed on of his new songs that is supposed to be on his new album that will be released this year. I am not gonna tell you I hated it, but let me tell you this. Its a collaboration with Paul Wall, who may have been the semi-hotness about two years ago, but not so much right now.

This seems to be a recurring thing with Jon though, because everytime he releases and album with collaborations on it, its like they are just behind the popularity curve. Case in point: Babyface on his first album with Someone to Love was great, but that was just about the time Babyface went missing in action for like 5 years. Cool Relax had Tupac on it which was released right after he died. So much in touring or doing a video in support of that. Pleasures You Like had Cuban Link and AZ but that was right as Cuban Link got the boot from Terror Squad and where the hell is AZ? I sincerely doubt he is chillin on Sugar Hill. Last but not least he had Stronger Everyday and I seriously think I am the only person who ever bought that damn CD but it had Tank, Scarface and Beenie Man who weren’t doing jack shit at that time.

My advice to Jon is lose the gold tooth, and get on with T-Pain or Lil Wayne and pronto, cause Paul Wall aint gonna do shit to help you move units. Well after I heard Cool Relax I looked at Erica and we rolled out. It was 2 am and I was beyond tired. It was a disappointing night in a dismal venue with a bunch of people stacked on top of each other who couldn’t sit the fuck down. What a blower. Erica suggested that next time we sit at home and drink our wine and watch VH1 soul, and you know what, I think I will take her up on that offer. I dont know if I am still down Jon, but I'mma need you to pull it together before I make my decision.

Suffocate

Jesus be a high speed connection! I cant believe I have been MIA for this long. I was dying without being able to access the outside world. Suffocate indeed, more like foot on the throat. If anyone is interested in learning how to live without both home phone and internet access for better than a month, give me a shout. Boy oh boy do I have some stories to share. I know I have been missing in action for ever and a day, but really folks I am alive. Nothing crazy has happened to me, I am not drowning my sorrows in low budget Cabernet, I have just been disconnected from the world for.fucking.ever.

First, Verizon sucks. I have been attempting to procure a damn telephone for my happy little condo since before I last posted. These jackasses attempted to gank me (at 95 bones a piece) to get my phone jacks to work. After I stopped laughing in the rude broads ear, I called Comcast and got phone and internet. As you can see it just got hooked up today, so I was just dying to oh, I don't know...make a call??? Check my damn email! Lets not go there, this is a happy moment. I am back.

Second, my new job is the Sugar Honey Iced Tea! I love it and I love the people I work with. What don't I love you ask? Well being on a military installation has me locked thee fuck down. I cant access shit from work, and we all know I do my best blogging from the office. Now I have to wait till I get home to hit y'all off with the good shit. Oh and btw my shit is classified, so I wont be talking about work much. My stress levels are low now anyway thanks to the career switch and the complaints are few and far between. Shocking right? Yeah I know it truly is an amazing thing.

Third, you know how I was busy crying in my wine and complaining about dudes who constantly disappoint me? Well that shit is O-V-E-R! I don't know how it happened, but I managed to meet the most amazing, gorgeous, funny, smart and loving man I have ever met. He is in the words of my friend Dia "the bomb.com" and that is truth. He is just so responsible, so respectful and my family loves him. He does things like bring me groceries or put together all of the shit in my condo. He took me to meet his family over Christmas and yep, you guessed it they are amazing too. His grandma is so sweet and kind. She held my hand and she invited me to church with them. They fed me and yall know that counts big in my book. I warned them that I was like a stray cat and that by feeding me they may never get rid of me. They all bought me presents that day and I was just so overwhelmed by the generosity and hospitality they showed me. He has a great dad who always has a kind word and a friendly hug for me. His sister is a trip and we have already started the sisterly conspiring against "my man". He is always thinking of me, always bringing me flowers or washing my car or filling up my gas tank just because he thought it was a little low. I keep waiting to wake up from this like its a dream, but everyday he just re-affirms everything that I believe about him. Okay okay enough gushing about him, but seriously I never thought I could be this happy, especially coming from such a dark and painful place over the fall.

So, as I decorate, paint and beautify my new home I just feel so blessed to be in this space at this time. My son is happy and healthy and even though it wasn't under happy circumstances, he got to see his daddy right after Christmas. I got to re-connect with people I haven't seen in more than 15 years a few weeks ago. A very good friend and tortured soul left this world and I was devastated by the loss. It pained me so much because he was truly one of the best people I knew, and it was a shame that this world didn't show him the same love and support that he gave out. That includes that asshat of an ex husband of mine who should have kept his sorry ass home instead of driving all the way up here for the funeral. I put a lot of anger away that day. I set aside years of deep cuts and scars and sat side by side with people who I didn't particularly like but knew that they were feeling the same sense of loss I was feeling. Though no one wanted to speak to my exhusband, I babysat his ass the entire day, it wasn't the time or the place to start up old feuds. That day was about my friend, and that day was about his memory, and his family and how much we all will truly miss him.

So, Kevin Maas wherever you are I am so sorry that you are no longer with us, but I will always keep you in my heart. You were there for me when no one else was, and you loved my son like your own. Your family will always have a place in my heart and I will never forget you. I will always remember that Rockford Fosgate Amps drain batteries and they need their own to run. I will always remember that 4 Soundstream 8's kick harder than any set of 15's, I will always remember that Nemesis "Munchies for your Bass" and "Miami Bass Wars II" might make the back window of your vehicle pop out, and that as MC Breed tells us there truly is "No Future In Yo Frontin". May there be good friends and better systems in your heaven. I love you.