Its Not My Problem

The world is filled with folks who feel that nothing is their damn problem. Why is that exactly? I mean sure not everything is your problem, but a good portion of all the bad shit that happens on a daily basis occurs because folks just don't feel like they have any personal responsibility for anything anymore. Take for instance the situation with my niece, time and time again I hear "she isn't your problem" or "are you sure you should get involved" and to that I say "Who the hell else is gonna do it if I don't?" Y'all are the same fuckers who will be bitching about how the world has gone to hell in a damn hand basket cause no one is checking for these teenagers out here. I just get frustrated thinking about how folks not only don't see that being a part of this world doesn't involve living in a bubble and pointing fingers at shit that isn't right. Sometimes damn it you gotta get involved. Cognitive Dissonance is running rampant in America and I refuse to be a part of the problem. I cant change everything, but I will do what I can, and I am deciding to start right here.

I Am Not My Phone.....I think.

Ive been robbed people! ROBBED, or as the boyfriend so eloquently put it when I told him "someone caught you slippin and you won't ever see that joint again" thanks baby, you sure know how to make a girl feel good.

Sometime Tuesday evening during dinner my iPhone went missing. Just up and grew legs and walked right out of my life. I wasn't too worried at first, as soon as I realized it was absent I called back to the restaurant and asked them to go look for it. Of course it was no where to be found. The guy on the phone said that once the cleaning was done it would probably turn up. I assumed as much and went back to my lumpy ass hotel bed to try to catch a few winks.

So for the first whole day that my beloved iPhone was missing I just decided to be in denial. Someone would be kind enough to turn it in right? Someone somewhere would find it, feel my pain and sadness from losing the one constant in my life. The most counted on and treasured item I own. So I just didn't think about it. This morning I woke up in my lumpy ass hotel bed in a cold sweat. My phone, its out there somewhere, cold alone, and off! Sadness washed over me like I assume soap and water would wash over Jim Jones if he had ever had a bath before. I wanted to throw myself in front of that damn sorry ass trolley that keeps ding, ding, dinging past my window every 3 minutes. Depressed? Yeah you could say that. Dramatic? Well, if you know me then you know full well how I feel about that phone.

I should have guessed that my poor phone wasn't safe here in a city full of cowboys and geeks. I mean its an IT convention! I haven't ever seen a more busted bamma ass group of folks all gathered together in one spot in all my 32 years. So now I sit using this crank powered piece of shit office phone trying not to think about all the things that I could be doing with my iPhone like listening to my Hall & Oates Greatest Hits or sending out funny text messages. I am just disturbed all the way around. So I called AT&T to see what if anything could be done to locate my best friend, and let me just tell you that I should have saved my Verizon minutes.

That motherfucker was so not helpful AT ALL. Then to add insult to injury he tells me that I cant replace my beloved phone because Steve Jobs is unveiling a new version next week, which wont be available for purchase till the end of the month and I will probably have to sell a kidney to get.

How will I Google song lyrics now people??? How can I effectively judge the distance between my condo and the coldstone if I cant map it from the palm of my hand? I wonder if it was that vendor guy we ate dinner with. He was extra shady and seemed a lil too interested in my phone. Call the coroner! There's gonna be alot of slow singin and flower bringin if my iPhone starts ringing. I did tell you that the thing is not on right? Either someone thinks they are slick or they just haven't found a place to hook it up yet. I am waiting on those bastards. Seriously I am starting to think it was that vendor guy. He was WAY too friendly. So people, if you know me, hit me up one mail and give me your contact info again and pray for me, cause I have a 2+hour flight back to civilization tomorrow and I have to do it without the dulcet tones of Mariah, Estelle, Lil John or Steely Dan. I never thought I would quote a child molester but "Heaven I Need A Hug"

There will be updates people....Trust and believe!

Just Another Day in The Life of the GD Boss

I have sooo much to discuss and I am quite sure I will not remember it all but I will try to catch y'all up in bits and pieces and then anything beyond that I will just come back and fill in later. Its the best I can do, so just work with me here folks.

When last we left Avin she was gushing about her new man and her new job and her new condo and essentially her whole new life, well all of these things still stand true and some other new developments have occurred as well as some general bullshit to rant about cause I can.

The job is still amazing. Somehow I managed to turn into a Project Manager in less than 3 months (go figure) and I am loving it whole heartedly. With the exception of a few gameless nerd type advances I fend off on the daily, the job is both challenging and hilarious. The commute is amazing and well I am just loving life there. I also hear that my old job is on the lay off route, handing out pink slips faster than Lil Wayne can show up on a remix. I would LOVE to tell you that I am shocked, but I feel like that company has been ridin dirty for a minute now, so I will save you from the fake shock and awe. I hear that moral is LOW as a Flo-Rida number one single and they even canceled one of the things that folks looked forward to doing there. It didn't even cost money but hey, way to rally the troops! The general consensus is that I was smart to roll out when I did, and I have to admit that the changes I made to my life last fall have been amazingly good for both body and soul, not to mention paycheck and sanity.

I also managed to have a birthday recently, and it was not eventful which I was very happy about. I don't like a big fuss so I enjoyed just relaxing and eating sushi on my birthday. I also got great presents like wine, jewelry and gift cards so you know I was pleased. The boy also had a birthday, making the gigantic leap to 15 with a head full of impossibly huge curls. He is growing his hair out and has attempted to get braids twice. His curls are rebelling against this but I figure a smaller braid and a little patience will get him where he wants to be. Its great to see him expressing himself despite the crazy looks he is getting from his grandfather.

I don't even know how to put into words this next part for fear of completely jinxing myself but I may be a mom again very soon. NO I am not pregnant. My wonderful amazing and gorgeous niece may have the opportunity to come live with me for her senior year of high school. There are some hoops to jump through and some details to hammer out but she has always been like a daughter, and she and the boy have been best friends since the crib. They are more like siblings than cousins anyway. Just send one up for us okay, cause we love her and I think life would be amazing with her.

On to the rants.....First, I heard some of those nonsensical idiots at my job in the hallway talking loud and wrong about going to Rio. So of course I had to hit them off with the blog post from back in 06. No one talked to me for a straight week. Oh and just to give you an idea of the amount of maturity we are working with here, the only comment that I got after having to confront the primary loud mouth about his thoughts on the post were that I was (and I quote) "A Hater". At that point I realized that a more sensible adult conversation could have been achieved talking with my Yellow Lab and chunked the deuce to the idea of rational thought. I gotta stop talking to children like they get it.

I gotta tell you though, that's twice in a month that I have heard some little children talking about people either being or having haters. I think I am going to pull rank on this one and be the first to put a moratorium on having or being a hater after the age of 30. I am 32 and I do not possess nor do I actively engage in hate. I hate traffic, I hate slow computers and I hate gas prices but I do not "hate" on folks. I am grown, and I have too much to do to be involved in some nonsense like that. You should have more to do with your life at 30 too, but hey I am just going to speak for Avin on this one. I am still waiting for Mike's son's list of "Things adults shouldn't say" to come out. He has been working on it since the fall so it should be pretty comprehensive. I will keep you posted.

So New Kids (and I use the term New and Kids very loosely) are back on the scene and in the words of my friend Rachel she is "Siced like Minute Rice" about their impending tour. I wasn't a New Kids fan back in the day, but I do know enough about them and their music to appreciate what is going on. I love music, and I pretty much would have had to live under a rock not to know their names and songs back then. I am guessing the tickets are going to go for a grip and a clip though. Start selling off those kidney's ladies. I pray you guys don't wind up with a Jon B. experience out of this.

I have to tell you that I was really hoping that the new E=MC2 was going to be the bomb.com and not some old bullshit. She had a tough act to follow after the Emancipation, and though you all know how hard I Stan for her, I was worried as hell that this new album wouldn't be so fabulous. I am really annoyed that people don't get her. Its sad that she had to pull the whole "Intensive Purposes" card with the "Touch My Body" video. By now someone should have figured out that her whole shtick is intentionally comical, but hey I don't expect a whole lot from folks in the way of brain power these days.

Mariah Carey...Oh boy well. First let me start by saying I have had E=MC2 on heavy rotation in the Camry. I love it, but I have to admit that I don't love it as much as the Emancipation. I do have a few cuts that I think are highly workable. That Chick is amazing and I can be caught flying down 495 with the windows down practicing my Mariah-isms. I love the Touch My Body Rick Ross remix as much as I am loving Rick's "The Boss". Cruise Control is cool, I'll Be Lovin U, and Love Story are good cuts. I like how she got up in Tommy Mottola's ass on Side Effects, but I almost wish she had managed to go a little harder. When you put Jeezy on a track you should be prepared to come hard and hold no cut cards. She broke it down, but I wanted her to put foot to ass verbally on that track and it just didn't happen.

Of course the love of my E=MC2 life is "Heat" a track only released on the Japanese version of this album (I wish folks would stop doing that shit) that I accidentally heard on the local Baltimore urban station (that I despise) while doing time on the outer loop at 5pm. I am quick to Google some stuff so before the end of the day I had managed to find the cut and download it and get it on my iPhone. I am nothing if not diligent. Now on to the real business.

What is really hood with this Mariah marries Nick Cannon nonsense???? I am real confused and all I am hoping that this is an Ashton Kucher "Pop Fiction" situation occurring. Even though I have been getting information on the ring, the license and the location. Right now I am just going to put on my Aviators and pretend its not happening. Join me wont you?

Speaking of which, I am very excited about this summer's fashions and beauty, so I am going to cut it out with all the Me Me Me nonsense and carry this discussion over to 99 Products because I have been super missing in action there, but I do my best blogging during the day and I am way too busy during the week and way too tired at night. Sorry, I would say I was gonna do better, but y'all know me.

Oh yeah go see Iron Man! It was off the meter and the kids loved it! Heck I loved it, with the exception of little high voiced Terrence Howard. He always sounds so bitchmade and it drives me insane. I need him to work on getting some base into his voice or getting his nuts to drop or something. Robert Downey Jr. was phenomenal. The stunts, the special effects and the plot was great. So don't wait on it, just go do it. Its worth your money.

I am sure I have forgotten to talk about something. I am sure I will remember right as I either log off or get back in the car to go somewhere but who knows. I know I couldn't possibly be finished talking but I think I am going to give up right now.

Later folks.

Are You Still Down

Well for those that don’t know, I have always and forever been in serious love with the one and only Jon B. I am one of those people that have all his albums and play them to distraction. I am sure I have written about him on here a time or two, but not recently. That has a lot to do with the fact that he has been pretty much out of the spotlight for the last 5 years. So when I heard on the radio that he was coming to town for a one night engagement I was seriously siced. I emailed all my homegirls and let them know that I had every intention of being up in the place to see Jon B and I hoped that if they loved him like I did that they would join me. Everyone was pretty excited but they had all made other plans for Friday night, which I understood considering I only found out about it Wednesday so it was understandable.

My friend Erica wasn’t busy and was very interested so we got the tickets and planned to meet up Friday night for dinner and drinks and then off to the show. Sounds reasonable right? Well, neither of us had heard of the damn venue. It was some club called Life, and it was not downtown, no....it was on University Blvd. I spent two days trying to mapquest the damn place to no avail. I mean seriously it couldn’t be that hard to find right? Come Friday I had my friend John call up and see what was what. He talked to some dude on the phone who gave us a vague idea of where it was, but not really. John was like "oh and they want $150 for VIP". Now, if this place was even close to where I thought it was there was no reason they should be asking for that kind of money to get into VIP. Let me explain. From what I could gather, this "club" and I use that term very loosely, was situated between a decaying strip mall and Tick Tock Liquors. Tick Tock, for those that are unfamiliar with the metro area, is one of the oldest most run down liquor stores in the county. I remember being grossly underage and still purchasing shit from Tick Tock. No one cared and I am pretty sure that’s still the case. The strip mall hadn’t been popular in at least 25 years, and the only thing I ever remembered purchasing from there were a pair of gigantic gold bamboo earrings with my name in them. It was the 80's so cut me a damn break.

Anyway, we managed to meet up and get cute at my condo. Watch a little TV, get our makeup right, catch up on old times and drink a glass or two of wine. It was turning out to be a pretty decent evening, and so I was hopeful, I mean it’s not everyday you get to see your favorite artist in the flesh.....even if it is in a strip mall. So by the time we had dinner and got on the road we were having fun and ready to enjoy our evening. It was about 9:30 and we see spotlights, you know the kind that they haul in close to a club to get folks attention? Well we pull up and my first clue that something wasn’t quite kosher was the fact that the name on the front was completely different than where we were supposed to be going. I guess they figured that the little banner that was sort of covering the old sign would work. So I look at Erica and say, are you ready for this. She nods and we proceed to the door. It all went downhill from there, and fast. The front door was flanked by three bouncers who checked my ID, my purse and then our internet pass. I couldn’t figure out the layout of the place cause the lobby was so strange, there were two doors. One in, one out and a reception desk where they checked my name off. This dude wearing dark glasses let us in through the left door (have I ever mentioned how much I hate sunglasses in the club?) and we stepped into what can only be described as the most tired, low budget club I have ever seen in life.

There was a bar with one salty ass bartender, a dance floor the size of my living room floor, a stage that had a sofa on it, three round top tables with stools (all full) and three or four bullshit VIP areas. Two faux Ikea couch areas with busted looking chipped ass tables, one gigantic sectional sofa with a velour rope in front of it that looked like it was made from my grandma's old curtains, another VIP with a sofa bench thingy and some of those plastic block tables you get from the drugstore, and three of those booth area things that looked like that’s where they put folks who had more than 4 people in their dinner party. This place was a damn restaurant, and not a very good one at that. The bar itself was made from some sort of plywood and Erica commented on its "craftsmanship" immediately. I was totally blown, but not because the place was the size of a shoebox or that the bartender was salty as fuck. No, I was blown because there was not one effing place to sit down that wasn’t already taken, and the so called VIP areas were clearly falling under my wish factor as in "I wish I fuckin would pay $150 damn dollars to sit on that shit!

We finally got bartender homegirl's attention and got two drinks. Goose and Cranberry and Goose and Tonic. The bitch said $16, and I almost lost my damn vision for a minute. She hadn’t first filled the cup up all the way, and $8 in a shitbag club was not my idea of a good deal. Then we proceeded to stand, and stand, and stand until 10:30 when I finally asked Erica, "okay so do you think he is really coming cause if it were me when they pulled up to this joint I woulda told them fuck no and told the driver to keep going" she laughed but she agreed, between the running collage of photos of party goers with who had to be the owner in every.fucking.shot on the two big screens, and the fact that the place had beams that seemed covered in asbestos, and that if one more person came through the door we were going to be grossly over the fire code I couldn’t figure out how exactly they had managed to pass county code. In retrospect I am not sure that place was up to code at all. So, we passed the time making jokes about the photos, making jokes about the people that came in, and getting increasingly angry about this non-existent concert all while shifting from foot to foot.

So at 11:30, Erica finally went over to the owner who was milling about in the club of course, but not doing a damn thing to get the show started, and asked him when the hell the show was going to start. He told her a half hour, which I thought was bullshit, but I mean maybe that was just the pain in my feet talking. It was clear that we had both wasted perfectly good outfits and shoes in order to come out to this rag tag hell hole. No one in that camp was wearing anything over $30 total, and that is the god’s honest truth. I could have come up in there in my houseshoes and a bathrobe and I woulda fit right in.

The bathrooms, um....well let me tell you what. I didn’t pee, and I needed to go. Erica went to wash her hands but quickly found that she had to share the sink with Randy the Roach. That was it for her, she was ready to go at that point, but now its midnight, and damn it I paid money to see Jon B. We both agreed that we had stood and put up with enough fuckery to leave at this point. We finally went outside for a while, just so we could sit in the damn car, I mean why the fuck don’t you have more chairs? We sat in the car for another half hour and went back inside only to find about 20 angry ass people going at it with the club staff. Of course they all conveniently couldn’t speak English at this point. It was truly about to be some shit in there, and I think the owner finally got the message.

Now, I don’t blame Jon for the niggatry that was running rampant in that camp, I blame that owner, cause if you are pressed to fleece people for $40 at the door and $8 for a half cup of liquor, and $150 just to sit the fuck down, chances are you are probably trying to find a way not to pay your entertainment what was negotiated. Turns out Jon had been there for over an hour, so something was up. No one in their right mind would have wanted to hang out in that camp any extra time unless they had to. Jeanie Jones finally came out in what looked like a still living fur coat and a weave that had seen better days. She finally announced Jon B. at 1:15 am and then she rolled the hell out.

Honestly, I was too irritated to care. I was so fucking blown, and tired and generally over it that it coulda been Barack Obama handing out $100 bills and refunds and I still wouldn’t have gave a shit. I never even got close to the stage and there was plenty of room. I was just to fucking tired of standing. He sounded good, he looked good, but when your feet hurt who really gives a damn. Oh did I mention that these bastards didn’t even bother to remove the empty drink cups from the stage before he came on? I mean, Jon might not be on the top of the charts but seriously, that shit was disrespectful. He fell off but not that hard! Not hard enough to have to dodge empty cups and shit.

So about two songs in I notice two things. One, Jon is sweating like he is on the Amistad and two, is that a damn gold tooth in his mouth???? Seriously, what has the world come to when Jon B. is rocking a damn gold tooth? I am not talking about fronts or a grill or anything, just one damn ridiculous ass gold tooth glinting in the light. Yikes! Then he performed on of his new songs that is supposed to be on his new album that will be released this year. I am not gonna tell you I hated it, but let me tell you this. Its a collaboration with Paul Wall, who may have been the semi-hotness about two years ago, but not so much right now.

This seems to be a recurring thing with Jon though, because everytime he releases and album with collaborations on it, its like they are just behind the popularity curve. Case in point: Babyface on his first album with Someone to Love was great, but that was just about the time Babyface went missing in action for like 5 years. Cool Relax had Tupac on it which was released right after he died. So much in touring or doing a video in support of that. Pleasures You Like had Cuban Link and AZ but that was right as Cuban Link got the boot from Terror Squad and where the hell is AZ? I sincerely doubt he is chillin on Sugar Hill. Last but not least he had Stronger Everyday and I seriously think I am the only person who ever bought that damn CD but it had Tank, Scarface and Beenie Man who weren’t doing jack shit at that time.

My advice to Jon is lose the gold tooth, and get on with T-Pain or Lil Wayne and pronto, cause Paul Wall aint gonna do shit to help you move units. Well after I heard Cool Relax I looked at Erica and we rolled out. It was 2 am and I was beyond tired. It was a disappointing night in a dismal venue with a bunch of people stacked on top of each other who couldn’t sit the fuck down. What a blower. Erica suggested that next time we sit at home and drink our wine and watch VH1 soul, and you know what, I think I will take her up on that offer. I dont know if I am still down Jon, but I'mma need you to pull it together before I make my decision.

Suffocate

Jesus be a high speed connection! I cant believe I have been MIA for this long. I was dying without being able to access the outside world. Suffocate indeed, more like foot on the throat. If anyone is interested in learning how to live without both home phone and internet access for better than a month, give me a shout. Boy oh boy do I have some stories to share. I know I have been missing in action for ever and a day, but really folks I am alive. Nothing crazy has happened to me, I am not drowning my sorrows in low budget Cabernet, I have just been disconnected from the world for.fucking.ever.

First, Verizon sucks. I have been attempting to procure a damn telephone for my happy little condo since before I last posted. These jackasses attempted to gank me (at 95 bones a piece) to get my phone jacks to work. After I stopped laughing in the rude broads ear, I called Comcast and got phone and internet. As you can see it just got hooked up today, so I was just dying to oh, I don't know...make a call??? Check my damn email! Lets not go there, this is a happy moment. I am back.

Second, my new job is the Sugar Honey Iced Tea! I love it and I love the people I work with. What don't I love you ask? Well being on a military installation has me locked thee fuck down. I cant access shit from work, and we all know I do my best blogging from the office. Now I have to wait till I get home to hit y'all off with the good shit. Oh and btw my shit is classified, so I wont be talking about work much. My stress levels are low now anyway thanks to the career switch and the complaints are few and far between. Shocking right? Yeah I know it truly is an amazing thing.

Third, you know how I was busy crying in my wine and complaining about dudes who constantly disappoint me? Well that shit is O-V-E-R! I don't know how it happened, but I managed to meet the most amazing, gorgeous, funny, smart and loving man I have ever met. He is in the words of my friend Dia "the bomb.com" and that is truth. He is just so responsible, so respectful and my family loves him. He does things like bring me groceries or put together all of the shit in my condo. He took me to meet his family over Christmas and yep, you guessed it they are amazing too. His grandma is so sweet and kind. She held my hand and she invited me to church with them. They fed me and yall know that counts big in my book. I warned them that I was like a stray cat and that by feeding me they may never get rid of me. They all bought me presents that day and I was just so overwhelmed by the generosity and hospitality they showed me. He has a great dad who always has a kind word and a friendly hug for me. His sister is a trip and we have already started the sisterly conspiring against "my man". He is always thinking of me, always bringing me flowers or washing my car or filling up my gas tank just because he thought it was a little low. I keep waiting to wake up from this like its a dream, but everyday he just re-affirms everything that I believe about him. Okay okay enough gushing about him, but seriously I never thought I could be this happy, especially coming from such a dark and painful place over the fall.

So, as I decorate, paint and beautify my new home I just feel so blessed to be in this space at this time. My son is happy and healthy and even though it wasn't under happy circumstances, he got to see his daddy right after Christmas. I got to re-connect with people I haven't seen in more than 15 years a few weeks ago. A very good friend and tortured soul left this world and I was devastated by the loss. It pained me so much because he was truly one of the best people I knew, and it was a shame that this world didn't show him the same love and support that he gave out. That includes that asshat of an ex husband of mine who should have kept his sorry ass home instead of driving all the way up here for the funeral. I put a lot of anger away that day. I set aside years of deep cuts and scars and sat side by side with people who I didn't particularly like but knew that they were feeling the same sense of loss I was feeling. Though no one wanted to speak to my exhusband, I babysat his ass the entire day, it wasn't the time or the place to start up old feuds. That day was about my friend, and that day was about his memory, and his family and how much we all will truly miss him.

So, Kevin Maas wherever you are I am so sorry that you are no longer with us, but I will always keep you in my heart. You were there for me when no one else was, and you loved my son like your own. Your family will always have a place in my heart and I will never forget you. I will always remember that Rockford Fosgate Amps drain batteries and they need their own to run. I will always remember that 4 Soundstream 8's kick harder than any set of 15's, I will always remember that Nemesis "Munchies for your Bass" and "Miami Bass Wars II" might make the back window of your vehicle pop out, and that as MC Breed tells us there truly is "No Future In Yo Frontin". May there be good friends and better systems in your heaven. I love you.

Tell Me When To Go

Well folks the time has finally come for me to move. I know you are thinking "didn't she buy that place a month ago?" Well, yeah but it really hadn't ever been updated.....ever, like since ground breaking, or inception or Methuselah's first birthday. I am not saying it was unlivable, it just needed some work. Like plumbing, and painting and weather stripping and electrical work. Sure I could have waited till I got in to start this, but really why do that if there is a nice warm bed and a working shower upstairs? Exactly, I am opting to stick it out here until the work is done. I still have a shit ton to accomplish before Friday, but that is neither here nor there. I have to get the electrician in, buy some new overhead lights, a rug for the living room, a new ceiling fan, my garbage disposal running, a few more coats of paint and that's that.

I know I always promise shit like pictures but you know I am not going to do it. I am just trying to get shit together and get my house the way I want. Oh yeah and I decided to be VERY selective about who gets invited over. I am tired of folks treating my house like the damn Greyhound bus terminal. Stopping by is some shit you do to your parents. Don't come through without calling me for real. I am not going to answer the door and I will be bold as hell about that shit. You might see me sitting on the couch watching Project Runway on my Tivo while you ring my brand new doorbell. I am just saying unless you get an invite don't bother. I am trying to make my little old ass home a tranquil and comforting space and you know what that means. Don't make me sing uncle Ruckus song okay?

And yes...my mother has gotten another mover. Don't even go there cause I don't want to discuss it. The alternative is to invite people over to help that I don't want in my damn house. Trust me, I've had offers, but that might mean I have to give you my damn address, and we all know that isn't going to happen. I just want peace and quiet and I may not even have a housewarming come to think of it. People get out of pocket and start bumping into freshly painted walls or breaking up your expensive bar ware. I vote no. Drop a bottle of red wine at the corner and I will send the boy to pick it up. Oh, and can I just give big ups to Home Depot and Lowe's? Y'all know how to work some shit OUT.

Okay, I am going to go drink more wine and call it a night.

Baby All I Want For Christmas Is You

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas
Is you...

Okay enough channeling Mariah although you guys all know how I Stan for her so don't judge me its the holiday season and (yes again) the bible says not to.

Really I am having a very tough time with getting into the Holiday spirit this year. Sure I am excited about my new place and yes I am ecstatic about my new job but damn it something is just missing. I tried going Christmas shopping this weekend, but I just wound up buying a whole bunch of shit for myself. Anytime my focus is on consoling my soul with shoes, clothes and makeup I am not thinking Christmas. I already know why I am like this and its because for the first time in 4 years I have no one to lavish my festive holiday spirit and gifts on. I am lonely, and I am sad and I don't know how to do Christmas alone. I can say with all certainty and conviction that not having a boyfriend for Christmas BLOWS.

I am not even talking about getting gifts. I am talking about having that loving warm holiday feeling where you sit and drink wine (yes I know wine again) and play music that has nothing to do with Christmas while you decorate a sad ass plastic evergreen with ornaments that are both too expensive and fragile for your Charlie Brown tree. It bothers me how affected I am by this. How could something so small ruin my entire holiday? My shopping list is practically empty, and the things that I have thought of getting for people aren't very creative at all which is so not like me. I haven't heard my favorite Christmas songs on the radio, we haven't decorated shit unless you count applying primer to dark brown trim and I am just blank.

My heart isn't in it and I think that's cause my heart feels like that random stray ornament that fell off the tree in the middle of the night and shattered into a million mirror like pieces. Am I being dramatic? Yeah possibly but damn it I am not happy and we all know what happens when people fuck with my Christmas Joy. I am supposed to be excited and all I can think is that in less than a month Christmas will be here and so will I, with my brand new house and my brand new job, getting tore the fuck down on a liter bottle of cheap Cabernet and probably missing him and obsessing about where he is and what he is doing....Merry Fucking Christmas.

If someone has a better idea of how I can get back my Christmas Joy without an industrial sized bottle of wine and going completely underground let me know, cause right now that's all I have in the way of plans.

The Good Life

I have that Kanye West song on repeat everywhere. Its on my radio, on my iPhone, its in my head and on my mind every day. What a difference a few months can make. I try not to get myself too bogged down by life most times, but I have to admit that since right before my homegirls wedding life really had me going through it. If you read this thing you have a pretty good idea of what I was trying to handle. I have a real bad habit of thinking that I alone can take on the entire world, be super mom, super girlfriend, super homegirl, super daughter, and super employee all in one. No task too great, no problem too difficult to solve. Well folks, lets just say that I knew something was horribly wrong when people started to avoid my office for fear they might catch me crying....again.

I seriously cried every day, for over a month. Every.single.last.day. It was mostly happening in the office though, which was causing people to peek around the corner to check and see if I was in the middle of creating my own personal river before they came to talk to me. I also gave the hell up on all types of eye makeup. I just cant afford to cry off $22 Dior Show mascara every damn day, I mean its just not cost effective.

Needless to say, my friends were instrumental in getting me to realize what was going on, and that I was just dealing with too much at once. Everyone has a limit, and I had reached mine. So for once, at the constant prodding of my friends and family members, I decided to do the unthinkable and put me first. Gasp! I know I was shocked too, and trust me I fought back, but between the unexplained pains up my whole left side, not being able to eat solid food for almost a month and having severe panic attacks to the point where I was beginning to fear driving, I conceded defeat and just stopped fighting it.


It hasn't been easy, I mean I have had big things on my plate, like my year check up to make sure those pesky pre-cancerous cells hadn't returned. Trying to purchase a condo for me and my son to live in, after staying with my parents for the last year. Trying to manage a super difficult job where things were getting harder and harder to handle and of course, relationship issues on top of it all.

Well, I sit here typing a little wiser, a lot stronger and with the greatest news that I can possibly impart. I am cancer free, I settled on my condo yesterday and best of all I got a new job! A new job that I am so hopeful about. It seems so tailor made for me and I cant wait to hit the ground running. Not only that, but I was so worried that while staying at my current job (which I was told had a lot to do with my inability to eat or sleep) paying for my mortgage would make me pretty much the poorest person alive. Not only will I be able to comfortably pay my mortgage, but there will even be a Christmas for my son this year. This means more to me than you can imagine.

I also started taking Yoga classes to try and get a handle on all this stress. The only issue is that now I am leaving my job and I have to find a new instructor. My gym offers it, but its in the middle of the day and well we all know I cant do that. I will just have to find a way to make time for it because I really think its important.

There are still things that I have to work on, like trying not to take on the world. There are still issues that I feel are unresolved and may never be, but I do know that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and maybe its only just a little, but that's enough to keep me reaching forward. I really feel like without the help of a few key people these things would still feel so insurmountable, but I am glad to say that Ive been able to get by with a little help from my friends. You know who you are.

Its the good life, better than the life I lived when I thought that I was gonna go crazy. Sing it T-Pain!

Stronger

Sometimes life will throw you for a loop and its hard to get back on track. What I am going to do is try. I had a very weird dream last night and woke up thinking "This is completely insane, look at yourself" and thats just what I did. I looked at myself long and hard in the mirror this morning. I promised myself that I would do better and that I would feel better.

So on the long rainy ride into work this morning I started thinking about all the things that make me feel better. I got a danish, I got my coffee, I popped in Lil John and I sang along. I plan to have sushi for lunch. I am going to hit the gym after work and I am going to try to get it together once and for all. I am going to spend time with my kid and I am going to let my friends make me laugh. I am going to make a phonecall that needs to be made and try to get back what I've lost.

Tomorrow isnt promised so I am going to live like today is the last day, dance like no one is watching and correct the mistakes I make before they snowball out of control because what doesnt kill me makes me stronger.

Thanks Kanye

Flashing Lights

You ever feel like you got a sign? Not one of those "This is the Lord talking" type signs. I just mean a little flashing red light. One that indicates.....well trouble. Two days ago I got one of those signs. Its never all that bad if the sign is just something like "I left the iron on" or "damn I forgot to feed the dog this morning". Okay that iron thing could be a problem, but really who hasn't done that?

The problem comes when your flashing light is about a friend. See, for some folks everyone is their friend. You know the type, acquaintances, coworkers, bus drivers, the guy at the gas station, the lady at the nail shop every damn body. I am not one of those people. I select my friends very carefully. Sometimes I haven't chosen well but typically the people I call my friends have been with me a long time. It takes a lot for me to add you to the fold. You have to be kind, honest and giving amongst other things but mostly I have to be able to trust you. Trust is absolutely number one in my book and once its gone it is damn near impossible to regain.

So, what is the payoff for being my friend you ask? Complete and total friendship loyalty. This means that no matter how great or small the problem, task or situation I will be there. I will hold your hand when you are scared, and I will drive to your house in the middle of the night and feed you chocolate if you are sad, or soup if you are sick. I will bail you out either financially or legally (but only on a pay week) and I will come get you from just about anywhere you might be stranded, drunk, depressed or just generally fucked up anytime day or night. I will laugh with you, cry with you, and help you push your kid out into the world.

I will eat with you, celebrate with you and even attempt to lose weight with you if need be. I will remind you how wonderful you are, how pretty you are and that no man worth his salt would ever make you sad. I will stand up for you, lie for you and even help you plot revenge against those who wrong you. You can trust me with your deepest secrets no matter how awful you think they might make you seem, and I will understand when I don't hear from you for weeks or months because you are embarrassed that you've made the wrong decision...again. I will help you write a love letter, a resignation or one of my famous "hit the curb" letters anytime you ask. I will defend you to the end, I will knuckle up for you and I will threaten to hurt, maim or cut others on your behalf. I will also give you the gods honest truth about a situation if you really want me to call it...but only if you ask.

I am serious about friendship and anyone who I call a friend knows these things about me so it hurts me when I realize that someone I call a friend has broken my trust. Someone I thought was a good friend hurt me today. I wont get into the hows or whys but when that little flashing red light went off, I was instantly angry, then I was ashamed and then I was just sad. I was really so disappointed in the person I called my friend but more than that I was disappointed in myself, because I really felt like I had chosen this person wisely, and their actions said otherwise.

I am not too proud to say that I didn't take it well. I felt underestimated, slighted, used, played for a fool and downright betrayed. It sucks and I was reminded by another very good friend that people who care about you don't treat you that way. So, as I sit here, typing this out, trying to make sense of what just happened I wonder if I give too much of myself to those who I call friends. Then I realized that all the things I've listed that I would do for my friends, they would also do for me, and have done for me. Without questioning or judging or thinking less of me. Like today very good friend Tandis brought me tissues when she knew I was too embarrassed to leave my desk with tears streaming down my face.

So thank you, Dia and Tandis for reminding me that I am strong, and that it makes no sense to cry off $22 mascara. Thank you for bringing me tissues, and cake that you knew I wasn't going to eat but that's beside the point. Thank you for quoting Jay-Z and Baby Boy and even Bad Boy's 1 in order to get me to laugh again. Most of all thank you for reminding me that true friendship exists. I love you both oh and please don't get into any trouble cause its not a pay week.

Love Still Good

Yesterday evening, between glasses of red wine and episodes of Don't Forget The Words, I logged on to my laptop to basically surf the net and try to get my mind off of all the things that plague me. Yes, we are at the plague stage here people. My sanity can be found in a cheap liter sized bottle of Sutter Home Cabernet. Classy

Anyway, I was BS-ing and IM-ing a few friends about various topics of discussion, but the prevailing topic was music. Somehow I have managed to convince myself that no one reads my crazy ramblings but me, which apparently is not the case. I was chatting with a new found friend who apparently reads this borderline tabloid/ case study on psychosis, and I we got on the subject of a previous blog. You know, the one about the guy from Color Me Badd? Yeah I am not going to go there again, but somehow we got around to discussing Chico Debarge.

Chico makes good music, and actually that's an understatement. I instantly fell in love with Love Still Good, which I promptly tried to con The Makeup Girl into giving me when I first met her. She wasn't having any of that though. Seriously I don't know where I was or what my life was like when that album dropped (which is strange for me cause I equate everything with music) but I do remember the video for Iggin Me. It made an impression. Okay not just cause he was half naked in the video but seriously it was one of those songs. I did however note that I had JUST seen Chico in the Trick Daddy video Nan, and that he was fresh off a 5 year bid. Criminal is as criminal does, so I couldn't put too much stock into his sticking around the music scene. How does one disassociate themselves from crime hanging out with the Slip N Slide records camp? No matter, on to the song.

So we discuss a little further what about that song in particular was so wonderful. I don't know if we ever made it to that cause I was off that Cab Sav and not exactly on the straightest path to enlightened discussion, so you know I veered off track. See that song makes me think of Maxwell's "Till The Cops Come Knocking" which of course was my jam for the.longest.time.ever. but I digress, the topic at hand became the state of R&B and how far it seems to have fallen. Frankly I cant listen to my R&B station on Yahoo Radio cause that shit is not what I would classify as R&B. Maybe if it stands for Ridiculous Bullshit then yeah, but not so much what I would classify as Rhythm and or Blues.

I think that there are some folks attempting to bring it back. I mean, I love Robin Thicke and Chrissette Michele and Raheem DeVaughn. I think there is still some soul left in R&B provided it isnt turned into a hybrid of hip-hop and some sort of circus. I know they are trying to pass off Trey Songz, Chris Brown and Lloyd as R&B these days but you'll pardon me if I don't get excited. There is talent there I agree, but not one of them is about to become the next Smokey, Marvin, Luther, or Maxwell. Maybe I am just an old soul which I have been accused of before, or maybe they just don't do it like they used to anymore. None of these new songs have a chance in hell of getting me all hot and bothered.

Music, should have the ability to move you. It should conjure up feelings and emotions not just make you sway back and forth. There are songs that I hear that I will have to change the station in order to keep from crying. There are songs that will make take me instantly back to the moment I heard it. The Spinners "Rubberband Man" - 6 years old in my mother's old Chrysler Lebaron with the burgundy seats. The Manhattan's "Let's Just Kiss and Say Goodbye" - 13 at my best friend Trisha's house, sitting on the floor doing each others hair and singing (Steve Miller Band "The Joker" holds the same memory).

Prince's "Diamond's and Pearls" - Banneker Junior High School Friday night dances, wearing Elizabeth Arden's Red Door and my best pair of Reebok Classics. Guy's "Goodbye Love" or Fredrick's "Gentle" - Myrtle Beach with my Godsister singing to our mixtapes way too loud and wrong for some young girls. Maxwell's Urban Hang Suite "Something Somethin", Donnell Jones "You Know What's Up" and Montell Jordan's "Get It On Tonight" always remind me of dancing at Republic Gardens and Club 2K9. The big one's though are Teena Marie's "Dear Lover" and Anita Baker's "No One In The World" who as a love struck teenager I used to send homemade tapes and lyrics to the boys I liked, only to have them go "What the hell is this song".

Some songs have made me feel vulnerable, beautiful, strong, sexy and like I could be anyone or anything I needed to be. The point is that I really feel like for R&B to be good its gotta stir you in some way. It can't just flow past you like water, its got to grab you and suck you in. That's what I want from my R&B, but I understand that most folks just need to be entertained. I guess that's okay for them, but for me as it stands I want to feel my music, and if I don't then I figure it just doesn't count.

Turn Off That Rap Music!

I am beginning to wonder about some of these new artists (and I use that term loosely) that have hit the scene recently. Keeping in mind that I do listen to some wholly inappropriate and highly ignorant shit on a regular basis, its bad when I cant justify some of the stuff.

Let me take you back with me a bit. I have no issues with rap most times and there is a lot to be offended by in rap music these days. I just happen to be a music person. Some stuff, I cant listen to cause I think they are just being ignorant for the sake of ignorance. Other stuff I can sort of tune out the stupid shit and appreciate the beats, and lyrical flow, not so much content. Folks will rap about anything these days so lets not pretend like I have a great selection of intellectual content at my disposal. If I want to learn something I will put in Mos Def or Common or Kweli but I am not going to get much out of Pitbull or Lil John even though the shit is mad catchy.

Case in point, I am over to my homegirl Dia's house the other night and we wind up watching the video channel. Dia has somehow managed to out grow the infectious beats and rhymes of ignorant hip-hop. Me? Not so much. I know most if not all of the songs, artists, and lyrics. Its that useless information gene I have. I cant remember that my car payment is due on the first every month but I know that Marc Ronson's video for Amy Winehouse's rendition of "Valerie" that just this moment dropped, opens with a short performance by Wale, a local (DMV) hip-hop/go-go artist who is now doing BIG shit across the pond. By the way, Nike Boots is my shit!

Sorry I got sidetracked for a moment, but let me continue. We are watching the videos and of course here comes Gucci Mane, who...frankly I have no words for. Do I like his new song....well, I like it in terms of how Luda is on the remix, but clearly he has ripped off Rick James for the title and the song has zero content. That and he is the ASHYEST man I have probably ever seen in life. Being untalented is one thing, being ashy, ugly and untalented is quite another. In fact any combination of the three is just bad. Case in point, T-Pain. I havent figured out if he is really talented or not. I know he is good with the "Roger from Zapp" voice synthesizer, but shit do I know if this clown can sing really? Everyone wants his ass on a remix, but Lil Wayne's ass is on every remix known to man too, and I have always felt like his shit was questionable. Catchy? YES, valid.....um I still remember that "Block is Hot" bullshit from his Hot Boyz days. I aint forgot Weezy.

T-Pain even has the audacity to nickname himself Teddy P as in (Penderazdoun) and let me tell you, the way that guy looks he would HAVE to sit on my ass to keep me from escaping. Seriously he frightens me and that's tough to do. Plus he hangs out with R. Kelly, and well...we all know where I am going with this one. Don't even get me started on this cat Plies. What the hell kind of name is that anyway? Nevermind, tangent. Seems like today you only need a good beat and a gimmick in order for folks to rush off to buy your bullshit. I mean, I probably contribute to the problem by entertaining shit like "Walk it Out", "Soulja Boy" and "Duffle Bag Boy" but in all honesty I listen to other stuff too, and I dont buy any of that crap so I would like to believe it balances out. All my iTunes money isn't going into Young Jeezy's pocket but its also not in Jibbs pocket either.

I guess it all depends on what you really like. I wouldn't want someone to come and yank my Rick Ross mix tape away from me because they don't like his flow, and I dare someone to touch my go-go. That might get your block knocked off. I guess I can sort of excuse the other shit. Maybe all T-Pain needs is a bath and someone to snatch that damn synthesizer away. Maybe all Gucci Mane needs is a copy of Hip Hop for dummies and a tub of Crisco. Its all in what you will tolerate, and apparently I have a high tolerance for bullshit music. Something tells me though that one day I am going to look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking.

Unwritten

This was going to be an entirely different blog about clothing and my inability to locate an appropriate "anything" at the mall this weekend, but I am not going to go there today. My heart isnt in it and why force it. I will save it for another day.

Last night I was on my computer and I was digging through some of my old files looking for my saved documents for the Mortgage guy. I came across a file full of poems and short stories and all sorts of other unfinished creative persuits. I gotta admit it made me very sad. Sure the blog is good for getting things out, but my real feelings are in those files. I used to write every single day, and I wrote about everything even if it was unpleasent, even if it was crazy. I wrote it all down like a photographer takes photos. They are just tiny captured moments, frozen in time. Every feeling associated with them is as fresh and real as the day I put them on paper.

I miss writing, and really it is how I wound up as busy as I am today. People always ask me how I got interested in my current field, and I tell them that I wasnt, I was interested in a job that would afford me the time I needed to write. Thats how I wound up 10 years in the same industry. I dont know that I actually chose it as much as it chose me.

I used to wait tables in a pool hall down from an office building. Folks would always come down at happy hour and get liquored up after a long day at work. Turns out that while I was working one happy hour shift, I got noticed by a woman and her coworker. They were looking for a receptionist and wanted me to interview. At that point in my life I was sort of tired of the server game. The hours were long and the pay sucked, but I did get a whole lot of free alcohol which I thought balenced things out. One day I will tell you all about the pool hall stories like "3 Convict Night", "The Unstable Samoan" and "Avin Becomes A Bouncer" but thats not where I am going with this today.

So I took the lady's advice and interviewed. It was a disaster actually. I dont know if she was ever acquainted with black people before or what her deal was but she was very nervous about things that employers shouldnt be nervous about. First, I still believe I had a discrimination case against her in regard to my nose ring. She actually told the other woman that they wouldnt hire me because of it, but I didnt learn this until almost a year later. It just so happened that I didnt wear it to the interview. Look, if you pick your potential employees out of the pool hall downstairs at happy hour then you cant be picky about whether or not they have a damn nose ring. Second, the last chick she hired had robbed the petty cash drawer with her lil convict boyfriend and she was super extra pressed about making sure I wasnt a petty thief. Again, its a pool hall, not a job fair. I didnt bother to tell her I was also in the process of divorce, that may have sent her over the edge.

So I was offered the job, and I got it down pretty fast. I started chipping away at my novel again and just when I thought I had hit an everyday groove, I was promoted. Seems I was doing so well in my current position, they wanted me to move up. Move up is good, more pay and experiance meant less time writing. 10 years later I almost never write. I am so busy these days that I dont have time to be creative I just know how to work and go home. After being on the computer all day at the office, the last thing I want to do is go home and spend more time on it trying to create when really all I want my brain to do is rest.

Writing was always my escape. It always made me feel better and it always helped me to get my head together especially when things are bad and right now, thats what they are. A particularly shitty week that carried over into a difficult weekend makes me think that I never should have stopped writing. Maybe I will get back there and finish one of those novels, or start back to writing poetry I thought at the time was so sophmoric and now I realize has so much more meaning than I ever thought. Its my life, and they are like a photos and though they are faded I still remember every moment.

Oh and could someone PLEASE get these fucking rabid ass Redskin fans the fuck away from my door? I understand they are all just chomping at the bit to get into some sort of tangle with me since I am an Eagles fan but really, can I live? I have work to do that doesnt involve discussing the "Eastern Motors" team and their performance on the field this evening. I understand you are all very crunk about it but I would appreciate it if you would go measure your dicks someplace else. Yes, I am an Eagles fan. No, I dont feel like discussing it today, however this type of behavior does make me want to throw batteries. Please ask Joe Gibbs to hold the ruler for you, I am fucking busy.

Money In The Bank

I guess you all have heard about the new Apple iPhone price decrease/new iPod Touch Screen roll out by now. Its been all over the internet and in the paper for the last two days so I am not sure how you would have missed it. Maybe you were working on your drink and your two-step, no matter I will fill you in.

Two days ago Steve Jobs rolled out the new line of iPods with touch screens and new wide screen iPod Nano's. So why should you care about that? Really unless you are a tech geek like me or you never managed to get on board with the iPod thing and have chosen now to do so, it probably wont effect you one way or the other, but thats not the reason I am writing about this really. Its about the whole price drop on the iPhone thing that seems to have caused iNsanity amongst owners. See the iPhone started at a whopping $499 for the 4GB model and $599 for the 8GB. If you read this thing at all, you know I bought one (I mean If I don't do nothin, Imma ball) which I love dearly and think is probably the most fabulous tech gadget I own.

Apparantly, others felt that way too, and shelled out their cash for them too. Fast forward to Wednesday. Folks apparantly are hopping mad that they spent their hard earned cash on an iPhone when they decided to drop the price by $200. The internet is buzzing with salty ass people with their thongs in a twist, losing their damn collective minds over paying extra for the very gadget they waiting in line for. Me? Do I really care about it? Hell no, because I know thats how the world works, and if you want to run a profitable business, sometimes you have to take steps that no one will find cute or popular.

I was reading the Post this morning at o'dark-thirty and there were two seperate articles detailing the anger and hostility that sprang forth from iPhone owners. Some guy was in his feelings so much that he claimed to have sold his stock in Apple. To that I say, you are a fucking fool. Whatever your personal issue with feeling swindled by Jobs and his merry band of iCreators, selling profitable stock is not going to get you your damn money back. Not only that, but why cry about it now? Didnt you get the damn thing long before anyone else had one? Isnt that the price of being first in line? Sometimes you pay for the privelege of owning something before the rest of the population. Steve Jobs would be a jackass and a fool if he didnt continue to create new devices and find new ways to get people to buy them, quit hating on that man and put away the damn pitchforks.

Then I find out that because the iLoones were having a damn coronary episode over their spent money, Apple is going to give early iPhone purchasers a $100 credit. Now, you can say what you want about it, but I am jive happy about that right there. I wont have to come out of pocket for one song, video or movie for quite a while behind that credit so I am quite pleased. All this petitioning and acting upset over spent money is just lunacy, and they can miss me with that for real, I have other things to do with my life.

Speaking of other things, I am in the process of converting my nicely stacked pile of chips into a Condo for me and "the boy". I am finally going to get the hell out of that house with the old folks. I cant tell you when I am moving, or where (yeah, like I would really say) but you can bet your ass one thing. I will not be using a damn moving company again. U-Haul is about to get my paper. We arent going to have another "situation" like we had last October. I dont care what anyone says, that shit will not happen. Perhaps I may have a story or two about the process but I promise it will be nothing like last year.

Other than that, I missed out on taking a trip down to S.C. with the family today. My great aunt is turning 90 and I was invited to attend. I was going to take "the boy" since he doesnt really know that side of the family too well, and make a side trip to see my old pal Tricia who doesnt live too far away from where we were going. That ALL went the hell out the window when I realized that no kids were going, so of course "the boy" didnt want to go. Then dad decided he was staying, which meant there was no need for me to drive. That would put me smack dab in the middle of my mother and her two sisters, in a car for 10 hours.

Yeah you are probably thinking, "how is S.C. 10 hours from D.C.?" I have pondered that too my friends, and since I have actually made it to Atlanta in 10 hours, the logic of this lengthy car ride escapes me. All they will say is that they "take their time" when they go to S.C. Taking your time is one thing, but 10 hours is some real different shit. If you remember this story, then you'll understand why I have no interest in being trapped in a car with those old biddies for half a day, so I hope they take pictures.

I'll Even Cut My Hair And Change My Name

So I chopped off all my hair. Yeah, I couldnt think of a good way to start this post so I figured I would just come right out and say it. After weeks of torturing my poor hair with bonded tracks and attempting to go back to my regular hair style after removing them, I was just fed up with it and had Ana hack it off. I havent had short hair since my son was a baby, but I know I like it. I also know that its very freeing. Its light, and its beautiful.

So as the hairdresser is chopping down what could only be described as a lopsided flaxen briar patch, I was texting with a friend who I thought was going to break out into that line from International Players Anthem "Dont do it! Reconsider, read some literat-ure on the subject" cause she was highly upset with me for even suggesting I was going to cut it.

I tell you like I tell her, its hair and it will grow back. Seriously, I am not all that attached to it. In fact as I was toting around that full bag of tracks last week I was very unhappy with the prospect of having permanent long hair. It was hot, and I had to spend way too much time dealing with it. Pressing it, curling it, trying to keep it out of my face. I understand that long is the way to go for a whole bunch of folks, but for me, I am going to keep it easy. It cant be so bad, I got more compliments on it in an hour than I ever have on that look I was sporting before. God bless the Dominicans.

I think I just needed a change really. So many things in my life are so heavy right now, and I just need something to be young, fresh and new if you get my drift. I even managed to soak off those acrylic nails I was ever so fond of.....yeah right. I guess for me, my worth doesnt come from a head full of hair or a full set. No, I seem to manage just fine without them.

Other than that, life is starting to return to normal I guess. The old folks returned from their jaunt around the world. They are both violently ill and I have been trying to quaranteen them both to no avail. I dont understand what it is with sick folks and touching things. Just go sit somewhere already.

The whole issue with the starvation weightloss worked out, but today was the very first time I have had the opportunity to go to the gym, but hey what do you do. At least I havent gained any weight since the wedding. I promised my homegirl that this time next year we would go to Ocean City and I would be wearing my old small swimsuits. Two-piece mind you! I dont play, I keeps it real.

Okay, I have to go practice the Cupid Shuffle so I can show up/embarrass my son. What are mom's for?

Bury Me In 93

Pour out a little liquor, bury me in some Used jeans
A Champion top and a cherry push pop
Bury me in 93, nothin more nothin less,
When I get where I'm goin, I just gotta be fresh


Okay okay maybe I am being a touch dramatic, but if you had seen what I saw last night, you might recite Young Jeezy lyrics too. Last night I witnessed something so heartbreaking that I may never recover. Sit a spell and let me tell you about it.


So "the boy" and I have been home alone for the last few days while the old folks jaunt across the Mediterranean by cruise ship. I am sure they are having a blast. Me and the boy are actually having a blast too, its called peace and quiet. Since the wedding I have been attempting to catch up on my reality TV. I missed a lot, and I have to apologize for promising to review SYTYCD this year and totally giving up mid season but I hear Sabre won and deserved it.


I've been a bit on the stressed out side and trying to lose an enormous amount of weight in a really short period of time. I was going to write about the "dress debacle" while it was occurring but I figured Dia might read it and have a panic attack. Long story short, since February I have gone from 175lbs to 150lbs. That last 5-10 being the hardest to budge and though its not right, I went on a starvation diet for two weeks. The dress fit, and I stopped living in the gym and off tomato, cheese, water, red bull and apples. Don't try that at home kids. There is nothing cute about hypoglycemic attacks while driving...trust me.


Anyway, I am getting sidetracked (its probably residual hunger) so back to my reality TV catch up. Last night I watched one of the Rock of Love episodes (highly recommended reality filth) and this new show came on behind it. Mission: Man Band.


Now I had heard about this show in passing, but I didn't know who the hell was on it or really what the hell it was about. I know yall think I spend my whole life memorizing rap lyrics and watching trash TV but really there is more to me than that. Well, after that diet there isnt much of anything left of me so I will just stick to the topic. While I was busy sitting around cursing these damn acrylic tips and trying press and curl a head full of bonded Yaki #4, I realize that the boys (excuse me Men) on this show used to be real life performers.


We have Chris Kirkpatrick from NSync, the kid who wasn't the Lachey brothers or the funny looking kid from 98 Degrees, The guy who sang that one annoying song about girl and Abercrombie from LFO and some fat guy in a hat with a beard. Who the hell is that exactly???

So I paid it no mind, kept on flat iron curling the nonsense on my head when I hear them start talking about the fat kid and drinking. Seriously WHO IS THAT GUY??


That's when I got out my trusty iPhone (yes I bought one, don't judge me the bible says not to) and started trying to Wiki this Mission Man Band show, when suddenly I heard the guy's name. Bryan Abrams. Shit, I know that guy, why do I know that guy I am thinking and suddenly, they flash on his face and it hits me like Blake hits Amy Winehouse at 4am.


OH SHIT! That's BRYAN.


Yeah so you are lost right now, but I am seriously still traumatized by my revelation. Bryan is the Bryan of Mark, Bryan, Kevin and Sam Color Me Badd fame. The same Bryan that I spent countless hours drooling over and taping pictures of next to my shrine of Mark Wahlberg in high school. The Bryan that I would probably have stepped over any man (maybe not Marky Mark) to get to just for a few bars of "I Adore Mi Amore".

Coincidentally I had a boyfriend who attempted to sing that song once and almost ruined it for me forever. Thanks a lot Jason Swoyer wherever your ass is. Never mind the fact that I still have the original Color Me Badd CD in heavy rotation on my iPod and still remember all the words to "All For Love" and "Thinkin Back" (okay you see my devotion right) I mean I never gave a damn about the other members of the group, but let me assure you that if Bryan had a fan, it was me.

Yes he came in on my list right under Mark and Jon B (lawd dont get me started) so you know it was serious.

Why am I all hyped up and heartbroken (yes I think I can safely say its heartbreak) about all this. Well let me hip you to a few photos. This was the Bryan I knew and loved back in 93.

And this is the Bryan of 2007's Mission Man Band:

They sorta got him cleaned up for the promo shots but I mean damn is this really better?























Seriously, why am I the last to know everything? Why didn't anyone say something to me about this? Or did no one else know? Just call me on the phone, send me a damn text or something and explain it to me. I mean I am reasonable. It seriously took me half an hour to close my mouth. Then I had to call The Makeup Girl and tell her to turn it on. We just sat in stunned silence. I mean, it was just too much for my head full of weave to process.



I know that not everyone stays the same size forever. I am WELL aware of that fact. I also understand he has had some pretty hard times, some alcoholism, a couple baby mommas and a stint working in a tire shop. I will give him the tire thing, Suzy tells me that they are no bullshit and all she did was truck them from one end of the building to the other.



So now they are a band called Sureshot, which is okay with me I mean....I am a touch too old for boy bands (but for some reason not too old to crank dat soulja boy in a public place) but you know how I feel about reality TV. As long as it doesn't get in the way of Lobster Wars and Anchorwoman (how the fuck did this get cancelled so fast???) I will be okay. Besides there isnt shit on right now, all my shows are on hiatus, and I cant keep watching Ninja Warrior and old UFC matches, its giving me strange ideas and we all know I am not stable. I certainly hope that they can get Bryan to drop a few pounds. I mean I might still have a place in my tiny cold little heart for him.

In the words of Fresh from Crunk & Disorderly "Please put Bryan on the tippy top of your prayer list". We want you to know we do it All 4 Love Bryan.

My Best Friend's Wedding

This weekend, the beautiful Ms. Dia B. became a Mrs. I was so honored to be a part of her special day and to stand up for her as her bridesmaid. For anyone who doesn't know it, Dia is one of my very best girlfriends. Though we've only known each other for a few years, we became close like sisters almost immediately. Its funny, because I have always had people in my life that I considered to be friends, but not very many that I ever felt like I could trust. Dia is just good people. We have been inseparable for years now, and I would feel lost without her friendship.

The wedding was a fabulous event and Dia looked just like a princess. After me and her sisters quit cutting up in the foyer of the church, and we issued warnings to the youngest sister, we made the middle sister go pee for the 50-11th time (she is 4 months pregnant), Juan the matron of honor got her tissue game in check and Tremaine quit dancing, we all got it together and made it down the aisle. Now the youngest and the MOH will cry at the drop of a hat, so I knew they weren't going to make it. What I didn't know was that we would all wind up crying the moment they opened the doors for Dia's walk down the aisle. Seriously....I lost it. I couldn't hold it in because I knew that my best girlfriend was about to embark on a lifetime of joy with one of the greatest guys I have ever met.

EVERYTHING was perfect (well we had a slight hair snafu, but that's unimportant) and I mean everything. The makeup, the hair, the dress, the family, the bridal party, the flowers, the cake the music and even the fuzzy soft slippers you bought for each and every one of us so we didn't have to teeter around on our wedding shoes the whole reception. Dia was perfection, and I am not sure I have ever seen a more beautiful bride. Saturday we were all a family, everyone. Even the boyfriend said that he loved how everyone was so comfortable. You knew that they were there just for Dia and Captain.

So this is for my best friend Dia. I love you, and I am so unbelievably happy for you and Captain and the boys. If you ever need anything, whether its the shirt off my back or the last penny in my pocket, its forever yours to have. I will stand by you, and I will support you and I will always make sure you know that my family is your family. So when you run back your tape of the wedding and you see me crying in my tangerine dress, just know that those are tears of joy, and pride and happiness. Thank you both so much for choosing me to stand up for you, and I will continue to stand up for you and your family forever.

Congratulations Dia & Captain
Love Always,
Avin

You Talk Too Much, And You Never Shut Up

It always amazes me that people think you dont know what they say about you. Case in point, there are a few people that I am WELL aware talk enormous amounts of shit about me on a daily fucking basis. I am not surprized by it and hell they arent all that discrete, but the thing that always trips me out is who they choose to tell. Its funny because for every person that they believe that they are best buddies with, there is another one waiting to sell them down the river. Thats how it works. This is why you keep your head down, and your mouth shut and you dont get too friendly with people.

My mother taught me some very valuable lessons about life when I was very little. They were the same lessons her mother taught her. Perhaps not in the same way, but clearly the message is the same. Its like the paperbag at the grocery store. You dont get paper because its so much sturdier or easy to carry, you get it because its not seethrough, and people cant determine what you buy. That way they cant gossip about what your brand name groceries have to do with how much you make. I hope you dont think I am reaching here, cause I have heard pleanty of people gossip about how much someones shoes might cost or what they drive so dont think groceries arent applicable. Same goes for your personal business, hanging out with people who can effect your livelyhood and trusting strangers. Its stupid and it will always come back to bite you right square in the ass. Dont talk so loud, dont be stupid its easy.

Speaking of asses, I fell on mine Saturday, and I am in agony. Why does every one of my fall stories involve a cute pair of shoes? This particular pair of sandals had super slick bottoms and I didnt realize that low traction on high pyle equals a mid-air free fall. I actually hit the ground running. There was just no way for me to sit or stand or be still after a crash like that. I banged up my ankle, my elbow and managed to hurt my neck in addition to the massive damage I did to my posterior. I have been living off of Aleve for days now, and the bruise just keeps getting bigger. I am just happy I didnt really hurt myself, then I would really be accused of moving too fucking slow. I figure as long as I havent really harmed myself then life will continue as usual. This does put a major kink in my workout regiment. I was getting sort of used to going to the gym 3 times a week, but I dont really think my Latin Fusion class is going to be fun running around shaking a broken ass cheek.

Well my son returns Saturday, and if you know anything about his yearly trip to the sticks, you know that he will probably come back a whole lot thinner. He says that he hasnt been allowed to do much of anything this year. No movies, no pool, and his dad is never home. He is particularly pissed about missing Transformers. I asked him if his hillbilly daddy wanted to see it, but he informed me that his dad is wayyyy too busy working. I started to say that I didnt know carnies and grifters worked that much, but I guess summer is the busy season. I didnt, come on I am mean but I am not heartless...most of the time. I wouldnt say that to the kid, even if I was thinking it.

Oh did I mention that my ex-husband has decided to switch careers? My son tells me he is now running around the country playing "Dog The Bounty Hunter". This of course has me tickled in ways you cant even imagine. This will provide comic fodder for years and years to come, much like his former job as a mall security guard. I couldnt even wait to tell my best friend Suzanne about it. She actually couldnt stop laughing for a solid 10 minutes but before we could even get it together we were telling jokes. Who the hell would hire a former convict as a bail bondsman? He is probably splitting the take with the felons. I mean really, someone explain it to me.

Well, let me go ice my left ass cheek and cut my eyes at some people who deserve it.

Like The Desert's Missed The Rain......

Yes I have been missing. Yes I have an actual explanation but really no one wants to hear it. Basically, I find myself in a bit of a pickle. I have plenty to say but I wont or cant, or both I mean really if you are not going to write it then why go into the reasons.

I am being vague, I know but some of you already know my reasons and perhaps someday soon I will get back to doing what I love here. I just cant see filling my blog full of what I classify as worthless bullshit that doesn't pertain to my life just for the sake of writing.

Sadly, its effected my other blog too. More than anything I am busy and NOT in a good way, so once again I have put off the things I really love (i.e. writing and talking about beauty) to do a rack of shit I fucking hate and that is probably an understatement. I am POSITIVE I will have to hear some shit about that crack too, but take a damn number cause you'll just have to get in line to crawl the fuck up my ass. The line starts back down the block, hope you have a shitload of time to wait.

Other than that, everyone is good. The boy is fine, the boyfriend is fine, my family is great and my friends are happy I love them all.

I hope y'all are good too. I miss you guys truly.

Wipe Me Down

So I have been at the gym religiously (serious pilgrimage type stuff here) for a few months now, and on Monday nights they have a class that I had been dying to try. Of course I knew no one in the class, and that made me nervous. I would just look through the glass longingly at everyone having such a great time and think “I would love to do that…let me get my ass on the treadmill”.
So last week I ran into a friend from high school at the gym, and it turns out she had just finished taking the class I so desperately wanted to join, Latin Fusion. She told me what a great work out it was, and how I should try it with her one day. Well one day was last night and can I tell you that I am sorry I waited this long to get in on it. This is a no bullshit class. We are talking a solid hour of nothing but high intensity cardio masquerading as Latin dance. It was fun, it was difficult, it was painful, it was the best total body workout I have had in years.

The instructor is a lot of fun, and she really gets into the program with us, and everyone is just trying to keep up. I was covered in sweat after the second song, and I looked at my friend Erica and said “What the hell did I sign on for?” The hour flew though, and that hour was more like an hour and 15 min. I gotta admit that if it weren’t for my thighs threatening to give out, I would have kept going. I think you burn somewhere in the neighborhood of 600 calories in that class. She had great music choices and we never stopped moving.

On another note, it so weird that I am running into all these folks from high school again. People I haven’t seen or heard from in years. Folks who I basically forgot existed. Its so strange. I am not opposed to seeing folk from the past, frankly for some of them there are 14 + years that have gone by since we’ve seen each other, so its like getting to know people all over again. We spent a whole extra hour outside the gym chatting and catching up after the class. Life is really good like that sometimes.

So if you don’t know, my best friend Dia is getting married in August, and have a size 12 bridesmaid dress to get my fat ass into. I have designs on dropping at very least 20lbs before then. I have been on No White Stuff for a week and a half now but I went to the damn doctor today and they put my ass on the scale which was a total blower. I know I am smaller than that damn it! Anyway, if their scale is correct I have more like 25 lbs to lose, but between the intense work outs and the carb restrictions, I think I should make my goal by the end of July. Wish me luck folks!