You ever just know folks are making shit up? Uggh the amount of frivolous liars on this planet is crazy. Take for instance these classic scenarios. I know that you all know these classic liars so if one seems familiar just drop me a line.
The Expert
The Expert is the guy or girl who knows Every.Fucking.Thing. There is never a situation or experience that the expert has not been involved in. For instance, the Expert may have had every job known to man, perhaps the expert was a war hero, a CEO, pro athlete, world traveler chief, cook, bottle washer and the Guinness book of world records holder for every record over the last ten years.
Now, the Expert may have actually been involved in or around some of these activities. The Expert may even know pertinent information that is important to the credibility of said stories. However, if you listen closely to the experts many stories, inconsistencies begin to appear. Dates and names, and especially places all seem muddled.
You can't be in 15 places at the same time. You can't work a 6 figure job in the states and be in Lithuania, Japan, Germany, and Korea, be an army ranger, play for the local Pro Football team all while in college. You also can't be a former professional model, dance for a ballet company, have dated or slept with 15 celebrities, get your degree in computer science, help out your adoptive parents and 8 siblings while being a bi-sexual mother of two with MS.
The Expert is usually easy to spot, he or she is always the first to pipe up and tell a story even when no one asked.
The Embellisher
The Embellisher isn't an expert and doesn't profess to be one. The embellisher only wishes to make their personal story greater. The Embellisher loves to be known as the person with the greatest story of all time. Say this liar went to London on vacation. Well instead of just doing the normal tourist retelling of their trip the Embellisher adds that not only did they get to see Buckingham Palace, but that they had tea with the queen and were invited to dinner with Muhammad Al Fayed after watching the prince play polo with his sons.
Perhaps the Embellisher got a present. Suddenly the present isn't just a ring or a bracelet but a one of a kind jewelry set from Tiffany or David Yurman presented on a stack of 800 count Egyptian cotton sheets by a man driving the new Maybach. Now you will never see any evidence of these unbelievable activities and once the story is told it might change 3 or 4 times after its first retelling. The thrill for the Embellisher is not the proof mind you but the story itself. The ability to make yourself larger than life is worth the stares and incredulous stares. No one ever believes the Embellisher, but that's not the point.
The No Point Liar
This is the person that has no idea they are lying after a while. They lie about shit that makes zero sense to lie about. Like what they ate or where they are or where they might go later. The No Point Liar hasn’t got any real reason for lying so it’s baffling why they do it. You'll call them as they are riding down the street wind blowing in the background and they will say "Yep I am just watching TV and getting ready to go to bed". Things that are just stupid that no one in their right mind even cares about. Who cares if you ate a burrito or a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner? No Point doesn’t even enjoy the art of a lie, in fact they don’t even know they are doing it.
Factoid
This is perhaps the most creative liar of them all. Factoid jumps in when there is a need for an explanation. Mind you the explanation is ALWAYS wrong. Factoid is creative and wants nothing more than to be the brightest guy in the room. Factoid knows the correct distance to the sun, the speed at which light travels, the exact type of concrete used to pour flooring, the legal system by heart, the birthplace of obscure jazz musicians, the origins of hip-hop music, the type and brand of lace front wig that Tyra Banks wears, and the correct nationality for every person born between 1972 and 2006.
Factoid knows EVERYTHING and nothing. This type of liar is so easy to spot its comical. Life is like a Mad Libs book for the Factoid, it’s just a matter of filling in the blanks with what sounds correct. I wrote about a Factoid early on who knows everything from breast feeding to soul food. Only a complete fool or the Expert would fall for this type of BS. The Expert loves an opportunity to chime in and say "I did that too" so it’s easy to see why these two would get along so well.
Folks just love to lie and why I will never know, but if you recognize a liar feel free to call them out. I have decided that calling folks out is what's hot for the 07, and I am going to start with a few Experts.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Lil Wayne Returns and So Does Christmas
It aint my birthday but I got my name on the cake. Sorry I just wanted to say that.
I am starting to be annoyed and frankly with it being Christmas time I don’t like it when folks start fucking with my Christmas Joy. I love the holidays and I anyone who Humbug's my Christmas might get cut with something rusty. I am serious about it, don’t fuck with my Christmas Joy.
Seriously, I am going to have to stop allowing anonymous comments if this assclown doesn’t quit posting that nonsense on my blog. It was amusing the first time but now I am annoyed, so let me just address it and be done.
No, I didn’t fucking read it
No, I wont fucking read it
No, you wont get any more airtime on my damn blog
No, I don’t give a fuck what it said or what you hope to accomplish by doing it.
Please I am asking nicely (and anyone who knows me knows that is a fucking stretch of the highest order) leave my comments section alone.
With that said I would like to return to my Christmas Joy.
I am a Holiday person, I just happen to be a Baptist so that means I celebrate Christmas, BUT hold on now there. I love the holidays period. I don’t care if you celebrate Kwanzaa or Hanukkah or any other derivative thereof. I am all for it. Roll out the decorations and bring on the food and family and fellowship. This is what I love about the season itself.
Now I know you are thinking how odd it must be that I am a complete cynic all year round and then December rolls around and I get a soft heart. Well, its strange but true. I love Christmas music (but not that jazzed up crap) some old and some new. The season for me hasn’t fully started until I hear three songs. Let it Snow by Boys II Men, All I Want for Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey, and Santa Claus is Coming to town by Pleasure (its a defunct go-go group).
I am the queen of gift giving and I love to see peoples faces light up and enjoy their surprises. I love angels, and cards, and peppermint and cookies and everything in between. Yes folks Christmas is SERIOUS business for me.
I live for charity events like visiting the Holiday Coalition out at on of my properties. That was amazing and just filled me with the spirit of the season. I went hunting for the perfect gift for the child who's name I picked off the tree here in the office. I was so excited to wrap it on Sunday night I could hardly contain myself. My closet is stuffed to the gills with gifts for everyone I could think of, including a special gift for the dog.
Saturday I went up to "the boyfriend's" and helped him decorate the tree. We got a bunch of special ornaments from Pier One, and we drank wine and listened to music that had NOTHING to do with Christmas, but it was so much fun. He used to be a real scrooge but I try to get him to experience the magic of the season by spending time with family and friends. He was actually excited about the tree this year, but he would deny it if you asked him.
I have a recipe for a white hot chocolate that I am going to make for everyone this weekend. After I stop past the liquor store and Best Buy I will be officially finished and I can move on to my pot luck recipe for tomorrow's gift exchange!
Wheeewww! I didn’t realize its only 6 days till Christmas! Are you ready?
I am starting to be annoyed and frankly with it being Christmas time I don’t like it when folks start fucking with my Christmas Joy. I love the holidays and I anyone who Humbug's my Christmas might get cut with something rusty. I am serious about it, don’t fuck with my Christmas Joy.
Seriously, I am going to have to stop allowing anonymous comments if this assclown doesn’t quit posting that nonsense on my blog. It was amusing the first time but now I am annoyed, so let me just address it and be done.
No, I didn’t fucking read it
No, I wont fucking read it
No, you wont get any more airtime on my damn blog
No, I don’t give a fuck what it said or what you hope to accomplish by doing it.
Please I am asking nicely (and anyone who knows me knows that is a fucking stretch of the highest order) leave my comments section alone.
With that said I would like to return to my Christmas Joy.
I am a Holiday person, I just happen to be a Baptist so that means I celebrate Christmas, BUT hold on now there. I love the holidays period. I don’t care if you celebrate Kwanzaa or Hanukkah or any other derivative thereof. I am all for it. Roll out the decorations and bring on the food and family and fellowship. This is what I love about the season itself.
Now I know you are thinking how odd it must be that I am a complete cynic all year round and then December rolls around and I get a soft heart. Well, its strange but true. I love Christmas music (but not that jazzed up crap) some old and some new. The season for me hasn’t fully started until I hear three songs. Let it Snow by Boys II Men, All I Want for Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey, and Santa Claus is Coming to town by Pleasure (its a defunct go-go group).
I am the queen of gift giving and I love to see peoples faces light up and enjoy their surprises. I love angels, and cards, and peppermint and cookies and everything in between. Yes folks Christmas is SERIOUS business for me.
I live for charity events like visiting the Holiday Coalition out at on of my properties. That was amazing and just filled me with the spirit of the season. I went hunting for the perfect gift for the child who's name I picked off the tree here in the office. I was so excited to wrap it on Sunday night I could hardly contain myself. My closet is stuffed to the gills with gifts for everyone I could think of, including a special gift for the dog.
Saturday I went up to "the boyfriend's" and helped him decorate the tree. We got a bunch of special ornaments from Pier One, and we drank wine and listened to music that had NOTHING to do with Christmas, but it was so much fun. He used to be a real scrooge but I try to get him to experience the magic of the season by spending time with family and friends. He was actually excited about the tree this year, but he would deny it if you asked him.
I have a recipe for a white hot chocolate that I am going to make for everyone this weekend. After I stop past the liquor store and Best Buy I will be officially finished and I can move on to my pot luck recipe for tomorrow's gift exchange!
Wheeewww! I didn’t realize its only 6 days till Christmas! Are you ready?
Monday, December 18, 2006
Oh My Side!
I officially quit Justin Timberlake.
I have been laughing all day about this SNL nonsense. I am going home, my sides hurt.
Merry Christmas
I dont think I can ever forgive him for these two either.
I have been laughing all day about this SNL nonsense. I am going home, my sides hurt.
Merry Christmas
I dont think I can ever forgive him for these two either.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
More Confusing Than Lil Wayne Lyrics
Okay, so I get anonymous comments all the time. Some are cool, some are rude as fuck, and others....well then there are others like the one I got this evening. I just happened to be checking my gmail account when I stumbled upon an unmoderated comment (yes I do moderate comments and now I remember why) on Avin's Day.
It was in the topic "Just Catching Up" and I figured, oh great I have some unsolicited opinion on whether or not black comedians should be using the N word. Just what I want after a long day of driving and meeting and paying tolls. In a way I was thinking YES hate mail! Finally something to argue about that doesn’t involve the improper installation of a retail sign. I know, I know, I am weird as hell, but part of me is convinced that no one but my closest friends read this thing, and if there are others they are only reading up on me for a case study or something. Probably titled "What Crazy Looks Like" by Random Grad Student.
Anyway, man was I wrong! Some wingnut went and posted a damn dissertation in my comments about drawing disfavor from "the gods" and some other shit riddled with grammatical errors, typos and a severe under use of the enter button.
I gotta admit I did try to read it cause I wanted to see what side of the fence this lunchbox was sitting on, but frankly I gave up after the 80th run on sentence I was just fucking confused and bewildered. Really, its the strangest thing I have ever seen, and I am quite sure judging just by its length its a copy paste job, but someone had to write this nonsense initially. Anyway, I don’t have the energy to read the rest, I am about 1 cup of tea away from passing smooth out. Maybe one day if I am super bored or need to confuse myself for fun I will read it, but I just cant address it.
Anyone interested in reading this dissertation hit me up. I cant guarantee you that you'll understand it, or even be able to read it let alone complete it, but if you just gotta sleep and you need something stronger than Ambian and a Rubik’s Cube, I will forward it. It covers everything from AIDS in Africa to female genital mutilation, the crack epidemic to gang membership, black-on-black violence, Hip-Hop, Classic Rock, poverty, homosexuality, women, men, and anything else that might anger "the gods".
There s just confusion, and frankly I would argue...but I really just don’t understand it.
I am going the hell to bed, Good Night.
It was in the topic "Just Catching Up" and I figured, oh great I have some unsolicited opinion on whether or not black comedians should be using the N word. Just what I want after a long day of driving and meeting and paying tolls. In a way I was thinking YES hate mail! Finally something to argue about that doesn’t involve the improper installation of a retail sign. I know, I know, I am weird as hell, but part of me is convinced that no one but my closest friends read this thing, and if there are others they are only reading up on me for a case study or something. Probably titled "What Crazy Looks Like" by Random Grad Student.
Anyway, man was I wrong! Some wingnut went and posted a damn dissertation in my comments about drawing disfavor from "the gods" and some other shit riddled with grammatical errors, typos and a severe under use of the enter button.
I gotta admit I did try to read it cause I wanted to see what side of the fence this lunchbox was sitting on, but frankly I gave up after the 80th run on sentence I was just fucking confused and bewildered. Really, its the strangest thing I have ever seen, and I am quite sure judging just by its length its a copy paste job, but someone had to write this nonsense initially. Anyway, I don’t have the energy to read the rest, I am about 1 cup of tea away from passing smooth out. Maybe one day if I am super bored or need to confuse myself for fun I will read it, but I just cant address it.
Anyone interested in reading this dissertation hit me up. I cant guarantee you that you'll understand it, or even be able to read it let alone complete it, but if you just gotta sleep and you need something stronger than Ambian and a Rubik’s Cube, I will forward it. It covers everything from AIDS in Africa to female genital mutilation, the crack epidemic to gang membership, black-on-black violence, Hip-Hop, Classic Rock, poverty, homosexuality, women, men, and anything else that might anger "the gods".
There s just confusion, and frankly I would argue...but I really just don’t understand it.
I am going the hell to bed, Good Night.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Sweet Escape My Ass
Would someone please explain to me what is going on with Gwen Stefani? I mean, I didnt discuss it when she went on the AMA's dressed like a gold lame Gretel, but I probably should have addressed it right then and there. Can I just have a moment of silence for the girl who made me sing "Trapped in A Box?"
Okay I am better now, but seriously someone hit me up. Call me, email me drop me a line and explain to me how you use a sample from the sound of music and yodel on your first single? I know she is trying to be edgy, I know that she is working with "lemme sing your hook" Skateboard P. but was there no one with the nuts to tell her that this was crazy?
Wind it Up is about the scariest single since that Popozao debacle FedEx put out. I really wanted to love it, and I wanted to support Gwen on her second solo outing, but when she broke into the yodling I stopped feeling bad about hating "Hollaback Girl". I am starting to fear that having that baby has robbed her of all common sense. I mean poor little Kingston, listening to his mommy yodel on record and thinking "Daddy better get Bush back together or we are screwed". At least thats what I would be thinking about now.
Then last night she was back on my damn TV on the Billboard awards in that one-piece gingham overall set with a live fucking sheep. I seriously have no words.
Just Catching Up
Sheesh I am tired as all hell. Last night was the office Holiday Party and we all had a great time. I am going to try and keep it brief as my homegirl has mentioned specifically that I not go too far in detail....but damn do I want to!!!
I do however feel like I got shorted a day on my weekend. Not that I don’t love the folks at my job, but when I just saw yall Friday, and then I see you Saturday and I only get Sunday to slow my brain, recuperate and think of anything but work...I feel shorted. Noting that my homegirl is going to give me shit about this one. Anyway, Christmas is coming and I have a ton of shit to do and no where near enough time or money to get it done. I think this happens every year but honestly I don’t really remember much these days. I actually started dreaming about work and that is never a good sign.
There was only one thing I wanted to address that’s been a recent head scratcher. Exactly who is calling for black comedians to stop using the "N" word? I am confused. First, I know that KKKramer isn’t really trying to say that because he hears this word from the likes of Paul Mooney, Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle that he got confused about it and thought it was okay to say it. I KNOW that’s not really his defense.
Second, I am not condoning the use of it, but if we are going to be real here lets just be real. Black people use that word, and it’s really not a secret. In our own families, in our own company yes, we use it and no it doesn’t mean the same thing. Maybe you are going to tell me "I don’t use it" well maybe you don’t but I bet your uncle or your grandma or your homeboy or someone in your circle does. I don’t know a black family that doesn’t have one soul in it who never said it. I won’t argue spelling or semantics I am just saying it exists amongst us for totally different reasons.
The point of this basically is the question, are we (as a whole) really taking responsibility for other people using this word?? Is it suddenly black people's faults that we are called racist names? I am fucking confused because that in my opinion is crazy. First that word wasn’t our creation, second when we flipped it and made it something else we didn’t do it for the benefit of others, third our use of it comical or otherwise has not and will not make it okay for others to use period. I know this is actually going to upset some folks but lets just get it into perspective, some shit is a cant for some people.
I just think it’s completely ridiculous to be put in a position of blame for this racist tirade. Mooney never condoned lynching when he said it so this "Black comedians have got to stop using the word" BS is just too much for me. How about you round up all the comedians who are confused about it, who think maybe its okay to say it and who have ill intentions by using it and you sign them to some sort of agreement, but quit harassing Chris Rock already. I already know he isn’t going to stop and frankly I don’t think he should have to. The distribution of blame is amazing in America and some how it’s always someone else’s fault.
I do however feel like I got shorted a day on my weekend. Not that I don’t love the folks at my job, but when I just saw yall Friday, and then I see you Saturday and I only get Sunday to slow my brain, recuperate and think of anything but work...I feel shorted. Noting that my homegirl is going to give me shit about this one. Anyway, Christmas is coming and I have a ton of shit to do and no where near enough time or money to get it done. I think this happens every year but honestly I don’t really remember much these days. I actually started dreaming about work and that is never a good sign.
There was only one thing I wanted to address that’s been a recent head scratcher. Exactly who is calling for black comedians to stop using the "N" word? I am confused. First, I know that KKKramer isn’t really trying to say that because he hears this word from the likes of Paul Mooney, Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle that he got confused about it and thought it was okay to say it. I KNOW that’s not really his defense.
Second, I am not condoning the use of it, but if we are going to be real here lets just be real. Black people use that word, and it’s really not a secret. In our own families, in our own company yes, we use it and no it doesn’t mean the same thing. Maybe you are going to tell me "I don’t use it" well maybe you don’t but I bet your uncle or your grandma or your homeboy or someone in your circle does. I don’t know a black family that doesn’t have one soul in it who never said it. I won’t argue spelling or semantics I am just saying it exists amongst us for totally different reasons.
The point of this basically is the question, are we (as a whole) really taking responsibility for other people using this word?? Is it suddenly black people's faults that we are called racist names? I am fucking confused because that in my opinion is crazy. First that word wasn’t our creation, second when we flipped it and made it something else we didn’t do it for the benefit of others, third our use of it comical or otherwise has not and will not make it okay for others to use period. I know this is actually going to upset some folks but lets just get it into perspective, some shit is a cant for some people.
I just think it’s completely ridiculous to be put in a position of blame for this racist tirade. Mooney never condoned lynching when he said it so this "Black comedians have got to stop using the word" BS is just too much for me. How about you round up all the comedians who are confused about it, who think maybe its okay to say it and who have ill intentions by using it and you sign them to some sort of agreement, but quit harassing Chris Rock already. I already know he isn’t going to stop and frankly I don’t think he should have to. The distribution of blame is amazing in America and some how it’s always someone else’s fault.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Borat who?
Déjà vu seriously go see it. Its been a long time since I actually liked a movie enough to sit in a crowded ass theater on opening weekend and endure the hot ghetto mess that is Arundel Mills Mall. We decided to have dinner over at Chevy’s which was good. The boyfriend was already looking at me like it was a major mistake to go there for a 9pm movie with Ray-Ray and Uzi Clip but since we haven’t had a date night in months, he decided to risk it.
We did have a few irritants of course, like homegirl in the seat in front of me who was at very least 400lbs and talking on two cell phones at the same time. The Boyfriend leaned over to me at one point and said “I don’t care who that bitch is, she don’t need two damn phones and she aint that damn important” which caused me to snort my sprite through my nose. Of course she never heard me coughing though cause she was too busy yacking through the opening credits. It’s a testament to how good this movie is that she actually shut up and paid attention.
Was it “Man on Fire” good? Not quite, but was directed by the same guy, so it has that same feel to it. Tony Scott has a real knack for capturing scenes. It’s a different way of seeing that most of us just don’t think about. It really sets his movies apart from others.
I think Denzel did a great job (as usual) and I even liked a fatter Val Kilmer. It was great to see Erica Alexander again and Paula Patton did a fabulous job in her role. I think for a newcomer she is really about to do some really big things. In fact she and her husband are both doing big things this year. Her husband being Robin Thicke who’s CD I love so dearly.
So before I go on a Robin Thicke tangent, I will just stop there and say go see Déjà vu cause its totally worth it.
We did have a few irritants of course, like homegirl in the seat in front of me who was at very least 400lbs and talking on two cell phones at the same time. The Boyfriend leaned over to me at one point and said “I don’t care who that bitch is, she don’t need two damn phones and she aint that damn important” which caused me to snort my sprite through my nose. Of course she never heard me coughing though cause she was too busy yacking through the opening credits. It’s a testament to how good this movie is that she actually shut up and paid attention.
Was it “Man on Fire” good? Not quite, but was directed by the same guy, so it has that same feel to it. Tony Scott has a real knack for capturing scenes. It’s a different way of seeing that most of us just don’t think about. It really sets his movies apart from others.
I think Denzel did a great job (as usual) and I even liked a fatter Val Kilmer. It was great to see Erica Alexander again and Paula Patton did a fabulous job in her role. I think for a newcomer she is really about to do some really big things. In fact she and her husband are both doing big things this year. Her husband being Robin Thicke who’s CD I love so dearly.
So before I go on a Robin Thicke tangent, I will just stop there and say go see Déjà vu cause its totally worth it.
Friday, November 24, 2006
360 Degrees
Its easy to forget that karma really does exist sometimes. For years I have thought that karma was something that folks who got the short end of the stick said to make themselves feel better after getting screwed. I never really thought that the screwer got what they deserved in the end. Well, with the exception of the "I'll believe it when I see it" ideas I have about my exhusband ever getting a tiny scrap of the horror and evil he dished out to me and his son, I am pleased to report that indeed some things do come full circle.
Take for example one of my family members. He shall remain nameless because I am never really sure if anyone in my family reads this. Anyway, this particular family member tormented me for dating and marrying a white man from the time I was 13 until long after my divorce. I was told to "become white" my son was referred to as a "half breed" and I endured countless years of just general bullshit and snide comments associated with the fact that I had the audacity to date, marry and procreate with a white man. These comments have caused my mother to disown, and cuss out this particular individual, but lets not get stuck on that, lets get to the karma portion.
Fast forward, this particular family member who has a child older than my child and this child is actually a grown adult now in the process of embarking on a very lucritive career. VERY LUCRITIVE. The racist ass family member is and has been pleased as punch with the prospect of his child's earning potential. What this family member wasnt particularly pleased with was his child's choice of girlfriend. A lil white girl from Boston. Anyway, Wednesday evening we got a phonecall stating that not only was this girl 5 months pregnant BUT everyone has known for months with the exception of racist family memeber and wife. That ladies and gentlemen is karma.
When I heard I actually burst into laughter. I figure it couldnt have happened to a nicer guy and now all those years of ridicule I endured will finally mean something. Sometimes when you refuse to learn the lesson that god presents to you, he finds another way for you to learn it. I am sure it wont be easy and I am sure that his son now has to think about how important his career is or how he plans to care for this child but it can be done, I know I am living proof. Maybe tolerance is something you cant just talk about when you think its appropriate or in polite company. Maybe you have to do more than pay it lip service, and what better way to do that then to be forced to love the very thing you have vowed to hate.
Personally, they have my love, support and blessings and I cant wait to welcome that baby into our family. I think there is a world of love to be gained from our family and not all of us are assholes. Some of us will love you and accept you no matter what color you come out.
In other news I would like to take this opportunity to send one up to the lord for him to take a moment to teach the exhusband a few lessons. Particularly the one about public humiliation and can I be there to see it is all I ask cause I feel like he is WAY overdue to learn something.
Just a suggestion.
Take for example one of my family members. He shall remain nameless because I am never really sure if anyone in my family reads this. Anyway, this particular family member tormented me for dating and marrying a white man from the time I was 13 until long after my divorce. I was told to "become white" my son was referred to as a "half breed" and I endured countless years of just general bullshit and snide comments associated with the fact that I had the audacity to date, marry and procreate with a white man. These comments have caused my mother to disown, and cuss out this particular individual, but lets not get stuck on that, lets get to the karma portion.
Fast forward, this particular family member who has a child older than my child and this child is actually a grown adult now in the process of embarking on a very lucritive career. VERY LUCRITIVE. The racist ass family member is and has been pleased as punch with the prospect of his child's earning potential. What this family member wasnt particularly pleased with was his child's choice of girlfriend. A lil white girl from Boston. Anyway, Wednesday evening we got a phonecall stating that not only was this girl 5 months pregnant BUT everyone has known for months with the exception of racist family memeber and wife. That ladies and gentlemen is karma.
When I heard I actually burst into laughter. I figure it couldnt have happened to a nicer guy and now all those years of ridicule I endured will finally mean something. Sometimes when you refuse to learn the lesson that god presents to you, he finds another way for you to learn it. I am sure it wont be easy and I am sure that his son now has to think about how important his career is or how he plans to care for this child but it can be done, I know I am living proof. Maybe tolerance is something you cant just talk about when you think its appropriate or in polite company. Maybe you have to do more than pay it lip service, and what better way to do that then to be forced to love the very thing you have vowed to hate.
Personally, they have my love, support and blessings and I cant wait to welcome that baby into our family. I think there is a world of love to be gained from our family and not all of us are assholes. Some of us will love you and accept you no matter what color you come out.
In other news I would like to take this opportunity to send one up to the lord for him to take a moment to teach the exhusband a few lessons. Particularly the one about public humiliation and can I be there to see it is all I ask cause I feel like he is WAY overdue to learn something.
Just a suggestion.
Monday, November 20, 2006
NEWSFLASH: Racism Alive and Well In America
Yeah I am sure yall are shocked right?
Well guess what I was actually taken aback by this one. Michael Richards, the comedian who played Kramer on Seinfeld lost his mind on Friday during his stand up routine at The Laugh Factory in West Hollywood. Apparantly, he was being heckled by some black guys in the audiance, and I guess comedians dont get heckled anymore or something, because he came completely unglued (or as I like to call it, showed his true colors) and started screaming and calling them niggas. Take a look for yourself.
http://www.tmz.com/2006/11/20/kramers-racist-tirade-caught-on-tape/
There was mass confusion apparantly because he must have been in the middle of his act when he decided to scream that and I quote "50 years ago we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass." Hmm, did he just advocate lynching two people who paid to see his show? I mean someone spell it out for me cause I am obviously too stupid to see how that could mean anything other than lynching.
Then he proceeds to go off with a stream of "niggers" and "motherfuckers" that made my jaw drop. Folks started getting real upset in the audiance and the two guys proceed to leave. The guys start screaming at him on the way out, which for all intents and purposes seemed pretty mild to me. Most folks would have charged the stage and stomped the life out of him. These guys started name calling back. Richards tried unsuccesfully to make light of it by saying "They're going to arrest me for calling a black man a nigger" but the damage was done, and folks were rolling out in droves.
Now, I personally never watched Seinfeld all that much. Mainly cause I figured I had other shit to watch in the same time slot, but it wasnt personal. I guess there are still a ton of folks who have us laughing every day that would just love to lynch us if we got out of pocket. Yes ladies and gents racism is still alive and we still have a long way to go.
Well guess what I was actually taken aback by this one. Michael Richards, the comedian who played Kramer on Seinfeld lost his mind on Friday during his stand up routine at The Laugh Factory in West Hollywood. Apparantly, he was being heckled by some black guys in the audiance, and I guess comedians dont get heckled anymore or something, because he came completely unglued (or as I like to call it, showed his true colors) and started screaming and calling them niggas. Take a look for yourself.
http://www.tmz.com/2006/11/20/kramers-racist-tirade-caught-on-tape/
There was mass confusion apparantly because he must have been in the middle of his act when he decided to scream that and I quote "50 years ago we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass." Hmm, did he just advocate lynching two people who paid to see his show? I mean someone spell it out for me cause I am obviously too stupid to see how that could mean anything other than lynching.
Then he proceeds to go off with a stream of "niggers" and "motherfuckers" that made my jaw drop. Folks started getting real upset in the audiance and the two guys proceed to leave. The guys start screaming at him on the way out, which for all intents and purposes seemed pretty mild to me. Most folks would have charged the stage and stomped the life out of him. These guys started name calling back. Richards tried unsuccesfully to make light of it by saying "They're going to arrest me for calling a black man a nigger" but the damage was done, and folks were rolling out in droves.
Now, I personally never watched Seinfeld all that much. Mainly cause I figured I had other shit to watch in the same time slot, but it wasnt personal. I guess there are still a ton of folks who have us laughing every day that would just love to lynch us if we got out of pocket. Yes ladies and gents racism is still alive and we still have a long way to go.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
A Little Help???
When the hell did customer service go to shit? I just want to know because it seems like the more I deal with the service industry, the less service I get. Over the weekend when I was allowed out of the house under intense scrutiny and supervision, I found my ensemble for the black tie event I am attending tomorrow evening. No thanks to my mother and her sister who kept trying to make me look like a cross between a waitress and the entertainment. I don’t know what was going on with the two of them, but their choices for a black tie industry event were beyond questionable.
The first outfit was some sparkle-laden top that screamed "Enchanted Evening at the VFW". I QUICKLY shot that down. Then my mother found this skirt that was above the knee, black and had more ruffles than a damn petticoat. She attempted to pair this Harper Valley PTA nightmare with a white satin wrap top that had a big glittery broach attached to it. I tried to gently explain that this was an "industry" event, not the holiday party at Office Depot. My aunt (god love her) tried her best to step in and help. She picked out this floor length goddess number that I thought was beautiful...but I didn’t want folks to think I was channeling Diana Ross. I mean it was really nice, but it was sorta low cut in the front and really um...really just over the top. Then my mother suggested a bright green dress that I had spotted earlier this month and thought was really attractive, however I didn’t want to make that much of a statement in a room full of real estate folks.
I tried (unsuccessfully) to explain again what I was looking for. A dressy suit of some sort, with a touch of color for the top. Something that said sophisticated but also said I had some damn style and I wasn’t about to either break into song or ask for the drink order. Of course they got irritated, (surprise surprise) and acted like I was being unreasonably picky. I think they were thinking Holiday Party, while I am thinking Work. Anyway, I finally stumbled into EXACTLY the right outfit but now you all know the drama doesn’t stop there. Apparently, don’t know my own size. The size 10 slacks that I thought were perfect were obviously too tight for my mother's taste. Did I mention she is a 14 but wears a 1x because she thinks everything is too tight?
I try the thing on, and she says all loud and wrong "Those are way too tight, get the 12's". I argue my case by explaining that the 12's fell down around my ankles and that they do not fit in the waist or crotch. She protests and tells me that the 10's (again loud as fuck) are entirely too tight and that they are (and I quote) grabbing me in the ass. Did I say this was going on in front of like 20 people in the store? No, well I meant to give you that mental picture and now you have it. I try again to explain that the 10's fit in the waist, and maybe they are a little snug in the thigh, but the jacket will cover the problem area as will the top I chose and that there is no reason to by too big pants when these are just fine. Why did I do that? Why lord?
Auntie decides to chime in and bring her "your ass is too big" two cents to the discussion. At that point to keep from being groped and pulled at in front of complete strangers and have the size of my posterior called into question at full volume, I gave in. My mother is taking in the too large pants as I type this. We had a full on pinning session where she hiked the pants under my armpits and argued with me again about where I normally wear my pants. Its just too much folks, I mean if she wants to play Suzie Seamstress let her, but let it be known the pants are too damn big.
So you are saying, what the hell has this got to do with customer service. Sorry, I am getting there, I just needed yall to feel my pain for a moment. So, the top and matching clutch to the outfit are a very soft gold. I had seen a pair of shoes in Nordstrom that I thought would match perfectly, so after being humiliated in front of a rack of strangers I was then allowed to go see about the shoes.
I didn’t find the shoes I had initially envisioned for the outfit, but I did find another pair that were a much better match. That’s when shit went awry. I picked up the shoe and started heading for these two young (maybe 17) male sales associates. You know that look when someone wants to run? That caged animal, which way do I turn look? They both had it. It was like they were mentally drawing straws as to who was going to get stuck helping me. The little white one came up short and the black one fled. I showed him the shoe, told him my size and sat down. 10 min later he returned looking bewildered. He came over and I said "Did you have them?" I shit you not, the boy said "I found the box" and stood there in my face like one of us was crazy. A damn box? WTF do I do with a box? This fool walks away!!! He goes back over to the same kid he was with when I walked up and they stand there. Looking completely ignorant. Now maybe I still had some anesthetic or Tylenol in my system because if you know me, you know that this is a situation that is about to get ugly fast. He must have seen my face and he moseyed back over and said "They sold them without the box" and walked away again. I was starting to think I was being Punk'd. That’s when my momma and auntie rolled up and demanded I go sit down and eat lunch.
I tried to explain that I was about to put foot to ass but they weren’t trying to hear it. Apparently I had been out of my cage too long already, and they meant business. Here is my question though. What was really going on with those kids? This is Nordstrom first off, the pinnacle of customer service, the same place a lady returned tires to. How do you screw up a shoe sale. Second, how about offering me a similar style or another size? Third don’t work if you don’t want to. Its obvious you two get plenty of room and board at home with mommy and daddy, do not mess with my shopping experience cause you are mad you got a holiday job. Finally, who hired these little bastards cause I want to know what type of drugs they were taking when they did it. "Hey that’s great you have no work ethic you're hired!"
Needless to say I went back yesterday and got my damn shoes in a half size lower. They fit fine, but they would have known that had they asked me. So I ask you, where did all the service go in customer service? What happened to taking pride in your job? What happened to the customer is always right? I was a waitress for a lot of years and though I am not typically a people person, I was very friendly, helpful and efficient because that’s where my money came from. If I wanted to eat, I had to be good at my job, and I was even when I didn’t like it. Even when I was tired or sick or angry about some homelife shit. Someone let me know, cause I don’t understand it.
The first outfit was some sparkle-laden top that screamed "Enchanted Evening at the VFW". I QUICKLY shot that down. Then my mother found this skirt that was above the knee, black and had more ruffles than a damn petticoat. She attempted to pair this Harper Valley PTA nightmare with a white satin wrap top that had a big glittery broach attached to it. I tried to gently explain that this was an "industry" event, not the holiday party at Office Depot. My aunt (god love her) tried her best to step in and help. She picked out this floor length goddess number that I thought was beautiful...but I didn’t want folks to think I was channeling Diana Ross. I mean it was really nice, but it was sorta low cut in the front and really um...really just over the top. Then my mother suggested a bright green dress that I had spotted earlier this month and thought was really attractive, however I didn’t want to make that much of a statement in a room full of real estate folks.
I tried (unsuccessfully) to explain again what I was looking for. A dressy suit of some sort, with a touch of color for the top. Something that said sophisticated but also said I had some damn style and I wasn’t about to either break into song or ask for the drink order. Of course they got irritated, (surprise surprise) and acted like I was being unreasonably picky. I think they were thinking Holiday Party, while I am thinking Work. Anyway, I finally stumbled into EXACTLY the right outfit but now you all know the drama doesn’t stop there. Apparently, don’t know my own size. The size 10 slacks that I thought were perfect were obviously too tight for my mother's taste. Did I mention she is a 14 but wears a 1x because she thinks everything is too tight?
I try the thing on, and she says all loud and wrong "Those are way too tight, get the 12's". I argue my case by explaining that the 12's fell down around my ankles and that they do not fit in the waist or crotch. She protests and tells me that the 10's (again loud as fuck) are entirely too tight and that they are (and I quote) grabbing me in the ass. Did I say this was going on in front of like 20 people in the store? No, well I meant to give you that mental picture and now you have it. I try again to explain that the 10's fit in the waist, and maybe they are a little snug in the thigh, but the jacket will cover the problem area as will the top I chose and that there is no reason to by too big pants when these are just fine. Why did I do that? Why lord?
Auntie decides to chime in and bring her "your ass is too big" two cents to the discussion. At that point to keep from being groped and pulled at in front of complete strangers and have the size of my posterior called into question at full volume, I gave in. My mother is taking in the too large pants as I type this. We had a full on pinning session where she hiked the pants under my armpits and argued with me again about where I normally wear my pants. Its just too much folks, I mean if she wants to play Suzie Seamstress let her, but let it be known the pants are too damn big.
So you are saying, what the hell has this got to do with customer service. Sorry, I am getting there, I just needed yall to feel my pain for a moment. So, the top and matching clutch to the outfit are a very soft gold. I had seen a pair of shoes in Nordstrom that I thought would match perfectly, so after being humiliated in front of a rack of strangers I was then allowed to go see about the shoes.
I didn’t find the shoes I had initially envisioned for the outfit, but I did find another pair that were a much better match. That’s when shit went awry. I picked up the shoe and started heading for these two young (maybe 17) male sales associates. You know that look when someone wants to run? That caged animal, which way do I turn look? They both had it. It was like they were mentally drawing straws as to who was going to get stuck helping me. The little white one came up short and the black one fled. I showed him the shoe, told him my size and sat down. 10 min later he returned looking bewildered. He came over and I said "Did you have them?" I shit you not, the boy said "I found the box" and stood there in my face like one of us was crazy. A damn box? WTF do I do with a box? This fool walks away!!! He goes back over to the same kid he was with when I walked up and they stand there. Looking completely ignorant. Now maybe I still had some anesthetic or Tylenol in my system because if you know me, you know that this is a situation that is about to get ugly fast. He must have seen my face and he moseyed back over and said "They sold them without the box" and walked away again. I was starting to think I was being Punk'd. That’s when my momma and auntie rolled up and demanded I go sit down and eat lunch.
I tried to explain that I was about to put foot to ass but they weren’t trying to hear it. Apparently I had been out of my cage too long already, and they meant business. Here is my question though. What was really going on with those kids? This is Nordstrom first off, the pinnacle of customer service, the same place a lady returned tires to. How do you screw up a shoe sale. Second, how about offering me a similar style or another size? Third don’t work if you don’t want to. Its obvious you two get plenty of room and board at home with mommy and daddy, do not mess with my shopping experience cause you are mad you got a holiday job. Finally, who hired these little bastards cause I want to know what type of drugs they were taking when they did it. "Hey that’s great you have no work ethic you're hired!"
Needless to say I went back yesterday and got my damn shoes in a half size lower. They fit fine, but they would have known that had they asked me. So I ask you, where did all the service go in customer service? What happened to taking pride in your job? What happened to the customer is always right? I was a waitress for a lot of years and though I am not typically a people person, I was very friendly, helpful and efficient because that’s where my money came from. If I wanted to eat, I had to be good at my job, and I was even when I didn’t like it. Even when I was tired or sick or angry about some homelife shit. Someone let me know, cause I don’t understand it.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Slow Your Roll...Literally
Well the surgery is over, and I have to say that things really went well. I still feel icky and sore but I am overall okay. No serious pain and no real trauma even though I probably was their weepiest patient ever. I just didn’t keep it together well I gotta be honest. Its funny how you can let a doctor break your nose on purpose and never shed a tear but the idea of an invasive surgery that was over in less than an hour could send me into uncontrolled sobs. I will never figure myself out.
Anyway, there were plenty of really great people who made me feel better and sent me wonderful flowers and chocolates. "The Boyfriend" sent a beautiful bouquet with chocolates that my mother was truly excited about...the chocolates not the flowers. My job sent me a beautiful bouquet too with my absolute favorite flowers. I don’t know about you but flowers really do make me feel better. Oh wait I was a florist once, so maybe it’s just me. I am truly excited by green corsage tape and creating arrangements. I am studying "the boyfriends" bouquet so see just how they put it together because that’s an art.
I truly have some of the best friends in the world. They have been calling and emailing and doing all sorts of stuff to make sure I am okay. Dia and themakeupgirl are coming over tomorrow and I hope to guilt them into taking me to T.G.I.Friday's for lunch. I even have some folks who have been super nice to me during this that I think don’t really like me and just put up with my ass...it’s a long story.
So now I can’t run around lifting shit and running marathons or anything strenuous. Not that I was going to anyway, I mean I don’t really want to do any of that anyway but it’s the principal of the thing. After one day I have a wicked case of cabin fever and I was trying to read this damn article on the rejection of a residential project in VA right before the surgery. It was the last thing I thought about as I went under and one of the first things I thought about as I was getting up afterwards. Damn you Loudoun County, damn you Washington Post!
I even found my black tie outfit for the Real Estate event I am going to next month, but only cause I BEGGED my mother and her sister to let me out of the house with them. Of course they regulated every step and I was back home as fast as I left. Small victories people. So between cups of tea and Tylenol I have been picking around on my blogs and chatting with my homegirls and watching a TON of TV. It’s just impossible for me to be still for too long. Lunchtime rolled around and I wanted to go to the bank and over to Moby Dick for a chicken Kabob. Correction, I wanted to guilt Miko into going with me to Moby Dick for chicken Kabob, but since she is on her diet she would tell me no and I would go to the bank instead.
Uggh I think I miss work what is wrong with me? I just wanted to say thank you all for the well wishes and the words of support and prayers. Truly they were ALL appreciated and helpful and I thank yall for talking me down off my ledge and out of my angry attitude. I hope I never have to do this again, and I hope you guys dont have to see me like that either. Its not cute I know.
Thanks
Anyway, there were plenty of really great people who made me feel better and sent me wonderful flowers and chocolates. "The Boyfriend" sent a beautiful bouquet with chocolates that my mother was truly excited about...the chocolates not the flowers. My job sent me a beautiful bouquet too with my absolute favorite flowers. I don’t know about you but flowers really do make me feel better. Oh wait I was a florist once, so maybe it’s just me. I am truly excited by green corsage tape and creating arrangements. I am studying "the boyfriends" bouquet so see just how they put it together because that’s an art.
I truly have some of the best friends in the world. They have been calling and emailing and doing all sorts of stuff to make sure I am okay. Dia and themakeupgirl are coming over tomorrow and I hope to guilt them into taking me to T.G.I.Friday's for lunch. I even have some folks who have been super nice to me during this that I think don’t really like me and just put up with my ass...it’s a long story.
So now I can’t run around lifting shit and running marathons or anything strenuous. Not that I was going to anyway, I mean I don’t really want to do any of that anyway but it’s the principal of the thing. After one day I have a wicked case of cabin fever and I was trying to read this damn article on the rejection of a residential project in VA right before the surgery. It was the last thing I thought about as I went under and one of the first things I thought about as I was getting up afterwards. Damn you Loudoun County, damn you Washington Post!
I even found my black tie outfit for the Real Estate event I am going to next month, but only cause I BEGGED my mother and her sister to let me out of the house with them. Of course they regulated every step and I was back home as fast as I left. Small victories people. So between cups of tea and Tylenol I have been picking around on my blogs and chatting with my homegirls and watching a TON of TV. It’s just impossible for me to be still for too long. Lunchtime rolled around and I wanted to go to the bank and over to Moby Dick for a chicken Kabob. Correction, I wanted to guilt Miko into going with me to Moby Dick for chicken Kabob, but since she is on her diet she would tell me no and I would go to the bank instead.
Uggh I think I miss work what is wrong with me? I just wanted to say thank you all for the well wishes and the words of support and prayers. Truly they were ALL appreciated and helpful and I thank yall for talking me down off my ledge and out of my angry attitude. I hope I never have to do this again, and I hope you guys dont have to see me like that either. Its not cute I know.
Thanks
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
An Open Letter to K-Fed
Dear Kevin,
Wow, I just heard! I guess the fairytale is over. Just as your career was launching you into superstardom too! I just cant imagine the pain you are feeling right now. This is the mother of two of your children. You both started off so strong, so chaotic, but now this. She went and got her old body back and everything that bitch. You should call up John Cena and see if he will let you hang out. Yall can trade corny white boy rapper catch phrases. Maybe it will take away some of the sadness.
If you don’t want to get a real job, that’s okay too. You can also keep peddling your album, and doing shows and tours all over America. That is bound to help pay for a few of the Ferarri payments, a modest apartment somewhere in the valley and those Tall Tall T's that you seem so fond of these days. Anyway, I just wanted to be the first to tell you how sorry I was, and that even though you wont have a lot of money, you better get me my damn child support on time. My Moesha checks ran out years ago, so don’t let me catch you slippin Earl. Bitch betta have my money, you hear me?
Your First Baby Momma (and don’t you forget that shit)
Shar Jackson
Wow, I just heard! I guess the fairytale is over. Just as your career was launching you into superstardom too! I just cant imagine the pain you are feeling right now. This is the mother of two of your children. You both started off so strong, so chaotic, but now this. She went and got her old body back and everything that bitch. You should call up John Cena and see if he will let you hang out. Yall can trade corny white boy rapper catch phrases. Maybe it will take away some of the sadness.
If you don’t want to get a real job, that’s okay too. You can also keep peddling your album, and doing shows and tours all over America. That is bound to help pay for a few of the Ferarri payments, a modest apartment somewhere in the valley and those Tall Tall T's that you seem so fond of these days. Anyway, I just wanted to be the first to tell you how sorry I was, and that even though you wont have a lot of money, you better get me my damn child support on time. My Moesha checks ran out years ago, so don’t let me catch you slippin Earl. Bitch betta have my money, you hear me?
Your First Baby Momma (and don’t you forget that shit)
Shar Jackson
Monday, November 06, 2006
Another Open Letter to Terell Owens
Dear T.O.,
I know you really arent trying to hear from us today but we just had to drop you a line. Look man, we saw what happened yesterday and well frankly we cant believe it either. I mean it should have been an easy win. They looked ripe for the picking to us, but you never know with these east-coast teams. Just when you think youve got it all sewn up, they go and pull that Novak kid out of their ass and game over.
I gotta admit you were trying to work it out for a while there, seven catches, and a touchdown, but then you dropped your homeboy's deep ball. I mean you threw a tizzy to get Bledsoe out and Romo in, but when push came to shove you just couldnt hang on. Then there was that messy personal foul in the third where you decided to take a nappy nap on the game ball just to taunt the Skins. Something tells us you are somewhere right now curled up in that same fetal position but thats not important.
Anyway, its not your fault Vanderjack kicked low. The face-mask incident wasnt your fault either, but hey that dropped ball is yours honey, you keep that one under your pillow or your game ball at night which ever works best for ya. So, we are just writing to say we care, we understand and shoot we've had some losses in the last few weeks too. Just to show there are no hard feelings, we'll take care of the Redskins for you this weekend. Its the least we can do.
Your Pals,
The Eagles
Thursday, November 02, 2006
I Know Your Type I Know Your Kind, You're Quick To Back Down
Widebody security homeboy at “the boy’s” school needs to dial it down just a notch. Apparently, missing the school bus and having your mother drop you off now no longer qualifies as a valid reason to be tardy. Riddle me this Fatman Scoop? How are you going to be drunk off your own pseudo power being a middle school security guard? I mean how does that work exactly?
Standing there growling at the kids and got’em shook. Oh and trust it wont work in your favor to be nasty to my ass. No siree chief, I am not an 8th grader and I am not going to run if you buck at me. I will however ruin your damn day if I get half a chance. Its not like I am happy with that school anyway. No wonder my son was so scared to go in and get a pass.
I was quick to let him know that I didn’t appreciate his tone or his scare tactics when he said “What’s he late for?” I explained that he missed the bus and his response was, “Well that’s not a real reason for being tardy” looks at my son and says “Go to class”. Yeah, yall can guess how it went from there. I got right up on him and politely (in that what the fuck did you just say to me tone) asked him exactly WHICH reason, was a valid one because driving himself and staying home alone weren’t options. He blurted out “um he coulda been sick”. So I said “yeah, sick” snatched the pass paper and signed it full and bold as hell across three of the damn sections. I looked at him and said “We good?” Bookman nodded and my son got his pass. I again state that they know not who the fuck with.
Who is this guy? Don’t let me catch him in the street. I wanna see him go hard in the Giant, with some damn adults watching. That “Security” shit aint real. You are breaking up kiddie fights and making sure they don’t skip. Its not like you are in the damn Secret Service. You aren’t a State Trooper, just bring it in. Quit trying to scare children all ya life. Fake ass rental cop. I bet my ex-husband is like that when he guards the fountain at the Mall he works for. Chasing little children with his tin badge and flashlight. Just sad as hell.
Standing there growling at the kids and got’em shook. Oh and trust it wont work in your favor to be nasty to my ass. No siree chief, I am not an 8th grader and I am not going to run if you buck at me. I will however ruin your damn day if I get half a chance. Its not like I am happy with that school anyway. No wonder my son was so scared to go in and get a pass.
I was quick to let him know that I didn’t appreciate his tone or his scare tactics when he said “What’s he late for?” I explained that he missed the bus and his response was, “Well that’s not a real reason for being tardy” looks at my son and says “Go to class”. Yeah, yall can guess how it went from there. I got right up on him and politely (in that what the fuck did you just say to me tone) asked him exactly WHICH reason, was a valid one because driving himself and staying home alone weren’t options. He blurted out “um he coulda been sick”. So I said “yeah, sick” snatched the pass paper and signed it full and bold as hell across three of the damn sections. I looked at him and said “We good?” Bookman nodded and my son got his pass. I again state that they know not who the fuck with.
Who is this guy? Don’t let me catch him in the street. I wanna see him go hard in the Giant, with some damn adults watching. That “Security” shit aint real. You are breaking up kiddie fights and making sure they don’t skip. Its not like you are in the damn Secret Service. You aren’t a State Trooper, just bring it in. Quit trying to scare children all ya life. Fake ass rental cop. I bet my ex-husband is like that when he guards the fountain at the Mall he works for. Chasing little children with his tin badge and flashlight. Just sad as hell.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Ring The Alarm
Is Avin gonna have to choke a bitch? What is with people getting so close to my new car??? Three times in the last two days some nutcase has swerved into my lane causing me to shout obscenities and flip the bird. Uggh what is with people?? Apparently, what I didn’t realize about driving the bucket was that no one wants to damage a crappy car, but EVERYONE wants to take a crack at a new one. I am just super nervous and shaky on the road now. Watching everyone’s next move, hoping they don’t have some sort of death wish and no insurance. Its nerve-wracking!
The fact that I only have two CD’s isn’t really helping me either. Super-smart Avin packed up all her CD’s and put them in a big box that went to storage. I guess at the time I didn’t have a clue that I would have an actual radio, let alone a CD’s player or a new vehicle, so what did I need CD’s for? So I have been listening to Lil John’s Kings of Crunk and Eminem’s Marshal Mathers LP for the past three days. Not that there is anything wrong with either, I just don’t think that the music is matching my mood. It’s a little hostile for a lady with a happy new car.
In other news I have 9 days till my surgery. Do I feel better about it now? Nope. Am I less angry about it? Hell NO! That is neither here nor there considering its going to occur, and though I feel like I am shouting “HEY I AM SCARED HERE PEOPLE” everyone seems to think I will be just fine. I guess its sort of comforting that people believe I am that strong on a regular basis, but basically folks I just play calm really well…especially in front of an audience.
Oh and I started another blog for those that don’t know. Its called 99products (but a bitch aint one, LOL) and its strictly a beauty blog, so none of that crazy talk, cussing and fussing over there for good old Avin. I know you’re thinking I am crazy for even attempting it, but with the help of some good friends and fellow product bloggers I feel confident that I can keep it clean. Of course you know that doesn’t bode well for Avin’s Day. A girl has to express herself somehow, and damn it that means I gotta curse.
Anyway, I’ve gotta go, I have to make some angry phone calls to “the boy’s” school about what is going on up and through there. Professor Jackass is at it again and thanks to his unit test my son had an anxiety attack. I got a less than warm reception when I spoke with his guidance counselor yesterday, so I am expecting more of the same today. I have my game face on and my Eagles Fan attitude at the ready. Pray for them, for they know not who they fuck with.
The fact that I only have two CD’s isn’t really helping me either. Super-smart Avin packed up all her CD’s and put them in a big box that went to storage. I guess at the time I didn’t have a clue that I would have an actual radio, let alone a CD’s player or a new vehicle, so what did I need CD’s for? So I have been listening to Lil John’s Kings of Crunk and Eminem’s Marshal Mathers LP for the past three days. Not that there is anything wrong with either, I just don’t think that the music is matching my mood. It’s a little hostile for a lady with a happy new car.
In other news I have 9 days till my surgery. Do I feel better about it now? Nope. Am I less angry about it? Hell NO! That is neither here nor there considering its going to occur, and though I feel like I am shouting “HEY I AM SCARED HERE PEOPLE” everyone seems to think I will be just fine. I guess its sort of comforting that people believe I am that strong on a regular basis, but basically folks I just play calm really well…especially in front of an audience.
Oh and I started another blog for those that don’t know. Its called 99products (but a bitch aint one, LOL) and its strictly a beauty blog, so none of that crazy talk, cussing and fussing over there for good old Avin. I know you’re thinking I am crazy for even attempting it, but with the help of some good friends and fellow product bloggers I feel confident that I can keep it clean. Of course you know that doesn’t bode well for Avin’s Day. A girl has to express herself somehow, and damn it that means I gotta curse.
Anyway, I’ve gotta go, I have to make some angry phone calls to “the boy’s” school about what is going on up and through there. Professor Jackass is at it again and thanks to his unit test my son had an anxiety attack. I got a less than warm reception when I spoke with his guidance counselor yesterday, so I am expecting more of the same today. I have my game face on and my Eagles Fan attitude at the ready. Pray for them, for they know not who they fuck with.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Let Me Upgrade Ya
Good evening my lovelies. I am pleased to report that after a long and grueling day I am the proud owner of a brand new fresh off the lot jet black 2007 Toyota Camry (sorry Ash). Yes people I have a radio a real honest to goodness radio. I know yall are saying "big deal", but that's big shit for a girl that's been bumpin a battery operated mini radio for over a year. Yes, yes yall a radio is big pimp type shit.
I am going to try not to get out of pocket with this car and act like I am on some balla status, but the key word there is try. I mean chances are I am gonna act up and become that chick you love to hate for the next few weeks. Windows down, radio up going 90. Sorry but I am siced I can't help it. I haven't stopped grinning like a cheshire cat since I left the lot.
This morning I got my ass out the bed bright and early and I commenced to scrubbing what could only be described as the funk of 40,000 years off the Rav. I cleaned that car till it shown like the top of the Chrystler Building (yes I am quoting from Annie, don't gudge me, the bible says not to) and vacuumed till my arms hurt. I put in a fresh quart of oil and replaced my Young Jeezy Snowman Air Freshener with a new Little Tree.
I cleaned till my fingers went numb from the cold and then I took my ass to the dealership. I was sure I wasn't going to get a dime for my Exxon wax job and Armor All-ed tires, but the dealership didn't see through my little cleanliness ruse! I got 2500 large for the old gray mare, not too shabby for a car with a serious oil leak and no radio.
So 4 hours and about 50 signatures later I am at home and happier than I have been in a long time. Words can not convey the joy I am feeling tonight, but pictures can, so expect to see me in various poses around and about my new car. You know the embarrassing B-boy stance photos that most folks don't take anymore. Sorry but mom has a new camera and "the boy" loves to take pictures.
I am going to try not to get out of pocket with this car and act like I am on some balla status, but the key word there is try. I mean chances are I am gonna act up and become that chick you love to hate for the next few weeks. Windows down, radio up going 90. Sorry but I am siced I can't help it. I haven't stopped grinning like a cheshire cat since I left the lot.
This morning I got my ass out the bed bright and early and I commenced to scrubbing what could only be described as the funk of 40,000 years off the Rav. I cleaned that car till it shown like the top of the Chrystler Building (yes I am quoting from Annie, don't gudge me, the bible says not to) and vacuumed till my arms hurt. I put in a fresh quart of oil and replaced my Young Jeezy Snowman Air Freshener with a new Little Tree.
I cleaned till my fingers went numb from the cold and then I took my ass to the dealership. I was sure I wasn't going to get a dime for my Exxon wax job and Armor All-ed tires, but the dealership didn't see through my little cleanliness ruse! I got 2500 large for the old gray mare, not too shabby for a car with a serious oil leak and no radio.
So 4 hours and about 50 signatures later I am at home and happier than I have been in a long time. Words can not convey the joy I am feeling tonight, but pictures can, so expect to see me in various poses around and about my new car. You know the embarrassing B-boy stance photos that most folks don't take anymore. Sorry but mom has a new camera and "the boy" loves to take pictures.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Loose Ends
The car...it stalled at the light today after my trip to VA. I am just praying the thing decides to hold on till Sunday. Maybe I can make it till then, who knows. Very little to discuss today, sorry people. You all know about Isaiah Washington, Wesley Snipes, Michael from Project Runway and that Flavor of Love foolishness, so I dont have any good gossip discussion.
I bought some of that MAC mineralize skinfinish which I think would be better if I used the StudioMist foundation. I got the wrong color, so until I get that worked out I am not going to fool with either of them. I will keep you posted.
Oh and I wanted to mention a guy who goes missing every once in a while but is still a someone I consider a very good friend. He reads this from time to time when he isnt busy as hell. I just wanted to say that everything is going to work out, no worries, we are in the same boat. Okay, thats your plug.
I bought some of that MAC mineralize skinfinish which I think would be better if I used the StudioMist foundation. I got the wrong color, so until I get that worked out I am not going to fool with either of them. I will keep you posted.
Oh and I wanted to mention a guy who goes missing every once in a while but is still a someone I consider a very good friend. He reads this from time to time when he isnt busy as hell. I just wanted to say that everything is going to work out, no worries, we are in the same boat. Okay, thats your plug.
Monday, October 23, 2006
I Am Not My Nose
I always forget that I’ve had plastic surgery before. Its funny because somehow an elective surgery where they break my nose with a hammer and chisel seems less painful and invasive than what I am about to undergo. Someone is going to tell me it’s the same, and I shouldn’t be scared cause if they can rip my nose off and reposition it, than I should be able to do this cervical shit. Nope, I am still convinced its different.
Anyway, so I am one of those fools who volunteers information about plastic surgery. Like I never faked like it didn’t happen. I hated my previous nose and that is just a fact. I whined and complained and fussed about it from the time I was 7 years old until I finally had the surgery. I kept asking my mom when my nose was going to look like hers. It never did of course. The issue was that I had basically no bridge to my old nose. It was very flat, which in turn made my face itself look wide and round. Well rounder than it already is. Bottom line is I hated it, and that’s not a “oh she is rejecting her blackness” hate it’s a “this thing is misshapen” hate.
That was the first thing I endured, “you want to look white” or “I sure hope you don’t turn out like Michael Jackson” or “people who have plastic surgery don’t love themselves”. Good thing I didn’t give a flying fuck what anyone thought or that they would be nice enough to liken my nose job to that of a man with serious body dismorphic disorder. Nope, only I had to walk around with that damn thing staring me in the face every day. It was getting to the point where I wouldn’t look at it when I looked in the mirror. I just couldn’t fathom why I got stuck with it. Oh I also had a very close friend say “I sure hope your mother tries to talk some sense into you” and “you know that stripper girl *insert my name/her name here* that Troy used to date got a nose job too”. Whoopee, some chick with the same name got a nose job. Are you upset cause I am going to change my look or that your man was dating a stripper? Lets just bring it in okay, stop with the drama.
Anyway, I promised myself if I were going to do this that no comments would matter to me, and I would never be ashamed of it. 3 years later I am the first to pipe up at a party if someone says “I was thinking about getting a nose job”. Most black folks act like plastic surgery is some sort of crime. Yes, yes I have seen Vivica and Lil Kim, it can be pretty criminal if you just run about all willy nilly getting any old surgeon to correct your face. Do your homework people. Find someone that wants to preserve your ethnicity and doesn’t just wanna chop you up for some cash. I actively sought out a black plastic surgeon who I am sure was more expensive but was very interested in making sure I didn’t turn out all pinched up.
Coincidentally, when I got home Friday night I started flipping through the new Essence magazing and who should I find with a feature story? None other than my surgeon Doctor Monte O. Harris and my dermatologist Dr. Elliott Battle! They are obviously doing a booming business and I can attest to both their skill, and fabulous care. After years of horrible acne Dr. Battle managed to clear my skin. He prides himself on making women love what they see. Dr. Harris does too but he isnt quite as boisterous about it. The article says that they are opening a new practice in New York in addition to the one here in Washington DC. In fact if you have ever heard me rave about IS Clinical Active Serum,(its at the bottom of the post) Dr. Battle is the one who I got it from. Their shop is called Cultura, and if you are interested its worth checking out. Seriously, its one of the better decisions I ever made. I love my not so new anymore nose, and I love that when I look in the mirror I no longer make a conscious effort to look around it.
I remember dating a guy before I had the surgery that said he could never marry a woman with a nose job cause he wouldn’t know what their kids would look like. Yeah so his ass was fired on stupidity alone, but really is it that serious? If you dislike something enough, shouldn’t you have the right to change it without being hassled or ridiculed? Cant you just flat out not like something and want to handle it? Anyway, I think so and it feels great to see what I always wanted to see in the mirror.
Anyway, so I am one of those fools who volunteers information about plastic surgery. Like I never faked like it didn’t happen. I hated my previous nose and that is just a fact. I whined and complained and fussed about it from the time I was 7 years old until I finally had the surgery. I kept asking my mom when my nose was going to look like hers. It never did of course. The issue was that I had basically no bridge to my old nose. It was very flat, which in turn made my face itself look wide and round. Well rounder than it already is. Bottom line is I hated it, and that’s not a “oh she is rejecting her blackness” hate it’s a “this thing is misshapen” hate.
That was the first thing I endured, “you want to look white” or “I sure hope you don’t turn out like Michael Jackson” or “people who have plastic surgery don’t love themselves”. Good thing I didn’t give a flying fuck what anyone thought or that they would be nice enough to liken my nose job to that of a man with serious body dismorphic disorder. Nope, only I had to walk around with that damn thing staring me in the face every day. It was getting to the point where I wouldn’t look at it when I looked in the mirror. I just couldn’t fathom why I got stuck with it. Oh I also had a very close friend say “I sure hope your mother tries to talk some sense into you” and “you know that stripper girl *insert my name/her name here* that Troy used to date got a nose job too”. Whoopee, some chick with the same name got a nose job. Are you upset cause I am going to change my look or that your man was dating a stripper? Lets just bring it in okay, stop with the drama.
Anyway, I promised myself if I were going to do this that no comments would matter to me, and I would never be ashamed of it. 3 years later I am the first to pipe up at a party if someone says “I was thinking about getting a nose job”. Most black folks act like plastic surgery is some sort of crime. Yes, yes I have seen Vivica and Lil Kim, it can be pretty criminal if you just run about all willy nilly getting any old surgeon to correct your face. Do your homework people. Find someone that wants to preserve your ethnicity and doesn’t just wanna chop you up for some cash. I actively sought out a black plastic surgeon who I am sure was more expensive but was very interested in making sure I didn’t turn out all pinched up.
Coincidentally, when I got home Friday night I started flipping through the new Essence magazing and who should I find with a feature story? None other than my surgeon Doctor Monte O. Harris and my dermatologist Dr. Elliott Battle! They are obviously doing a booming business and I can attest to both their skill, and fabulous care. After years of horrible acne Dr. Battle managed to clear my skin. He prides himself on making women love what they see. Dr. Harris does too but he isnt quite as boisterous about it. The article says that they are opening a new practice in New York in addition to the one here in Washington DC. In fact if you have ever heard me rave about IS Clinical Active Serum,(its at the bottom of the post) Dr. Battle is the one who I got it from. Their shop is called Cultura, and if you are interested its worth checking out. Seriously, its one of the better decisions I ever made. I love my not so new anymore nose, and I love that when I look in the mirror I no longer make a conscious effort to look around it.
I remember dating a guy before I had the surgery that said he could never marry a woman with a nose job cause he wouldn’t know what their kids would look like. Yeah so his ass was fired on stupidity alone, but really is it that serious? If you dislike something enough, shouldn’t you have the right to change it without being hassled or ridiculed? Cant you just flat out not like something and want to handle it? Anyway, I think so and it feels great to see what I always wanted to see in the mirror.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Fun Facts
I dont usually do these but I stole this from Toya, Enjoy
So, the idea behind this meme is that you bold every one of these things that you've done and leave the rest in standard typeface. So, here we go!
01. bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. swam with wild dolphins
03. climbed a mountain
04. taken a ferrari for a test drive
05. been inside the great pyramid
06. held a tarantula
07. taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. said "i love you" and meant it
09. hugged a tree
10. bungee jumped
11. visited paris
12. watched a lightning storm at sea
13. stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. seen the northern lights
15. gone to a huge sports game
16. walked the stairs to the top of the leaning tower of pisa
17. grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. touched an iceberg
19. slept under the stars
20. changed a baby's diaper
21. taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. watched a meteor shower
23. gotten drunk on champagne
24. given more than you can afford to charity
25. looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. had a food fight
28. bet on a winning horse
29. asked out a stranger
30. had a snowball fight
31. screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. held a lamb
33. seen a total eclipse
34. ridden a roller coaster
35. hit a home run
36. danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. adopted an accent for an entire day
38. actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. had two hard drives for your computer
40. visited all 50 states
41. taken care of someone who was drunk
42. had amazing friends
43. danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. watched whales
45. stolen a sign
46. backpacked in europe
47. taken a road-trip
48. gone rock climbing
49. midnight walk on the beach
50. gone sky diving
51. visited ireland
52. been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. in a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. visited japan
55. milked a cow
56. alphabetized your cds
57. pretended to be a superhero
58. sung karaoke
59. lounged around in bed all day
60. played touch football
61. gone scuba diving
62. kissed in the rain
63. played in the mud
64. played in the rain
65. gone to a drive-in theater
66. visited the great wall of china
67. started a business
68. fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. toured ancient sites
70. taken a martial arts class
71. played d&d for more than 6 hours straight
72. gotten married - yes
73. been in a movie
74. crashed a party
75. gotten divorced - YES!
76. gone without food for 5 days - Flu
77. made cookies from scratch
78. won first prize in a costume contest
79. ridden a gondola in venice
80. gotten a tattoo - 3 so far
81. rafted the snake river
82. been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. gotten flowers for no reason
84. performed on stage
85. been to las vegas
86. recorded music
87. eaten shark
88. kissed on the first date
89. gone to thailand
90. bought a house
91. been in a combat zone
92. buried one/both of your parents
93. been on a cruise ship
94. spoken more than one language fluently
95. performed in rocky horror
96. raised children
97. followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. passed out cold
99. taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. walked the golden gate bridge
102. sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. had plastic surgery - Nose, circa 2003
104. survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. wrote articles for a large publication
106. lost over 100 pounds
107. held someone while they were having a flashback
108. piloted an airplane
109. touched a stingray
110. broken someone's heart
111. helped an animal give birth
112. won money on a t.v. game show
113. broken a bone - skiing accident
114. gone on an african photo safari
115. had a facial part pierced other than your ears - Tongue
116. fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol - Not at anyone, I know what yall are thinkin
117. eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wildside note
where is 118?
119. had major surgery
120. had a snake as a pet
121. hiked to the bottom of the grand canyon
122. slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours - Flu
123. visited more foreign countries than u.s. states
124. visited all 7 continents
125. taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. eaten kangaroo meat
127. eaten sushi - All the time
128. had your picture in the newspaper - 3 years Softball Championship Team
129. changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. gone back to school
131. parasailed
132. touched a cockroach
133. eaten fried green tomatoes
134. read The iliad
135. selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. killed and prepared an animal for eating - Fish counts right?
137. skipped all your school reunions
138. communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. been elected to public office
140. written your own computer language
141. thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. built your own PC from parts
144. sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. had a booth at a street fair
146. dyed your hair - I dont even know what the original color was
147. been a dj
148. shaved your head
149. caused a car accident
150. saved someone's life
So, the idea behind this meme is that you bold every one of these things that you've done and leave the rest in standard typeface. So, here we go!
01. bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. swam with wild dolphins
03. climbed a mountain
04. taken a ferrari for a test drive
05. been inside the great pyramid
06. held a tarantula
07. taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. said "i love you" and meant it
09. hugged a tree
10. bungee jumped
11. visited paris
12. watched a lightning storm at sea
13. stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. seen the northern lights
15. gone to a huge sports game
16. walked the stairs to the top of the leaning tower of pisa
17. grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. touched an iceberg
19. slept under the stars
20. changed a baby's diaper
21. taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. watched a meteor shower
23. gotten drunk on champagne
24. given more than you can afford to charity
25. looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. had a food fight
28. bet on a winning horse
29. asked out a stranger
30. had a snowball fight
31. screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. held a lamb
33. seen a total eclipse
34. ridden a roller coaster
35. hit a home run
36. danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. adopted an accent for an entire day
38. actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. had two hard drives for your computer
40. visited all 50 states
41. taken care of someone who was drunk
42. had amazing friends
43. danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. watched whales
45. stolen a sign
46. backpacked in europe
47. taken a road-trip
48. gone rock climbing
49. midnight walk on the beach
50. gone sky diving
51. visited ireland
52. been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. in a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. visited japan
55. milked a cow
56. alphabetized your cds
57. pretended to be a superhero
58. sung karaoke
59. lounged around in bed all day
60. played touch football
61. gone scuba diving
62. kissed in the rain
63. played in the mud
64. played in the rain
65. gone to a drive-in theater
66. visited the great wall of china
67. started a business
68. fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. toured ancient sites
70. taken a martial arts class
71. played d&d for more than 6 hours straight
72. gotten married - yes
73. been in a movie
74. crashed a party
75. gotten divorced - YES!
76. gone without food for 5 days - Flu
77. made cookies from scratch
78. won first prize in a costume contest
79. ridden a gondola in venice
80. gotten a tattoo - 3 so far
81. rafted the snake river
82. been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. gotten flowers for no reason
84. performed on stage
85. been to las vegas
86. recorded music
87. eaten shark
88. kissed on the first date
89. gone to thailand
90. bought a house
91. been in a combat zone
92. buried one/both of your parents
93. been on a cruise ship
94. spoken more than one language fluently
95. performed in rocky horror
96. raised children
97. followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. passed out cold
99. taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. walked the golden gate bridge
102. sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. had plastic surgery - Nose, circa 2003
104. survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. wrote articles for a large publication
106. lost over 100 pounds
107. held someone while they were having a flashback
108. piloted an airplane
109. touched a stingray
110. broken someone's heart
111. helped an animal give birth
112. won money on a t.v. game show
113. broken a bone - skiing accident
114. gone on an african photo safari
115. had a facial part pierced other than your ears - Tongue
116. fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol - Not at anyone, I know what yall are thinkin
117. eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wildside note
where is 118?
119. had major surgery
120. had a snake as a pet
121. hiked to the bottom of the grand canyon
122. slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours - Flu
123. visited more foreign countries than u.s. states
124. visited all 7 continents
125. taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. eaten kangaroo meat
127. eaten sushi - All the time
128. had your picture in the newspaper - 3 years Softball Championship Team
129. changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. gone back to school
131. parasailed
132. touched a cockroach
133. eaten fried green tomatoes
134. read The iliad
135. selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. killed and prepared an animal for eating - Fish counts right?
137. skipped all your school reunions
138. communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. been elected to public office
140. written your own computer language
141. thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. built your own PC from parts
144. sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. had a booth at a street fair
146. dyed your hair - I dont even know what the original color was
147. been a dj
148. shaved your head
149. caused a car accident
150. saved someone's life
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
That New Car Smell...the Murphy's Law Edition
Have I told you good people about my car? Well if I haven't you should look at this and come back. You done? Okay great.
With that joke in the can, let me tell you all about the new car nightmare that is unfolding at my house. First off for those that don't know or forgot, I was stupid enough to move back home with my parents at the end of September. Foolishly I though this might be less traumatic than the last time I lived here for 6 months back in 97.
Oh silly stupid me I must have been smoking that stuff my son did a paper in health class this week on. Btw when did they start telling kids that marajuana is deadly?
No matter, let me cut to the chase. My car is dying and not slowly. It is ingesting oil at an alarming rate and has started a clipse/pharell type of "grindin" that makes me think either I am going to loose a tire or the axle is going to snap. To say that its a death trap is an understatement of epic proportions.
I still drive it every day as it chugs its way to death. Now the logical question is why not just go get a new car. Excellent question my friends with an even better answer. I can't, I don't own the piece of shit. It belongs to the two professional irritants I live with...jointly so I can't sell it or trade it without thieir collective signatures.
Surely you say, they must see your radioless busted whip coughing down the driveway every morning right? You would think that but no, not these two. They believe that this is a magical car that will last into eternity and beyond. Those pesky 150k miles and dangerous sounds are mearly a figment of my spoiled and greedy imagination.
Now lets all just take a moment to reflect. Car dying, parents dilusional, no sale. Ohhh I forgot the best part. They have each had 4 cars a piece in the ten years I have owned the junk box. Altimas and Lexuses, Four-Runners and Pathfinders, Infinities, Mercedes, Cadilacs and Mazdas. Yes folks you name it they have owned it.
I am not even asking for help, I am just asking for the right to unload this hooptie. I don't even want the $7.13 the dealer would give me for it...or charge me to take it. No I just want it gone. Too bad they think its fine and dandy. Attitudes change when I offer them a ride though. Somehow no one wants to think about walking back to the house or breathing in the toxic fumes hot off the engine.
So after the boss sent me to the outskirts of VA again last week and my car started really showing out, they finally agreed to entertain the idea of letting it go. However not without a fee. That fee ladies and gents is my soul and what's left of my sanity.
I did my homework, I priced the car I wanted, I know I can afford it and I am more than ready. Its the best car for the least money and I am ready. Except now they want to shop around for a better deal.
Can you feel my anger through the screen? Its blinding and hot and is threatening to destroy me. Someone please tell me WHY they are involved in ANY WAY?? I am buying the car, not these two crackheads. Who cares what it costs if I am buying it? Dad get that fuckin Auto Trader magazine out of my face!
If I don't get my 07 Camry someone is gonna die in this piece and when I tell them what happened they will deem it justifyable homicide and set me free cause this is just crazy.
What did I do to deserve these people? Why lord did I move here and why have you forsaken me?? Why did I quit smoking!! I am going to go sneek a bottle of wine into my room now and cry.
With that joke in the can, let me tell you all about the new car nightmare that is unfolding at my house. First off for those that don't know or forgot, I was stupid enough to move back home with my parents at the end of September. Foolishly I though this might be less traumatic than the last time I lived here for 6 months back in 97.
Oh silly stupid me I must have been smoking that stuff my son did a paper in health class this week on. Btw when did they start telling kids that marajuana is deadly?
No matter, let me cut to the chase. My car is dying and not slowly. It is ingesting oil at an alarming rate and has started a clipse/pharell type of "grindin" that makes me think either I am going to loose a tire or the axle is going to snap. To say that its a death trap is an understatement of epic proportions.
I still drive it every day as it chugs its way to death. Now the logical question is why not just go get a new car. Excellent question my friends with an even better answer. I can't, I don't own the piece of shit. It belongs to the two professional irritants I live with...jointly so I can't sell it or trade it without thieir collective signatures.
Surely you say, they must see your radioless busted whip coughing down the driveway every morning right? You would think that but no, not these two. They believe that this is a magical car that will last into eternity and beyond. Those pesky 150k miles and dangerous sounds are mearly a figment of my spoiled and greedy imagination.
Now lets all just take a moment to reflect. Car dying, parents dilusional, no sale. Ohhh I forgot the best part. They have each had 4 cars a piece in the ten years I have owned the junk box. Altimas and Lexuses, Four-Runners and Pathfinders, Infinities, Mercedes, Cadilacs and Mazdas. Yes folks you name it they have owned it.
I am not even asking for help, I am just asking for the right to unload this hooptie. I don't even want the $7.13 the dealer would give me for it...or charge me to take it. No I just want it gone. Too bad they think its fine and dandy. Attitudes change when I offer them a ride though. Somehow no one wants to think about walking back to the house or breathing in the toxic fumes hot off the engine.
So after the boss sent me to the outskirts of VA again last week and my car started really showing out, they finally agreed to entertain the idea of letting it go. However not without a fee. That fee ladies and gents is my soul and what's left of my sanity.
I did my homework, I priced the car I wanted, I know I can afford it and I am more than ready. Its the best car for the least money and I am ready. Except now they want to shop around for a better deal.
Can you feel my anger through the screen? Its blinding and hot and is threatening to destroy me. Someone please tell me WHY they are involved in ANY WAY?? I am buying the car, not these two crackheads. Who cares what it costs if I am buying it? Dad get that fuckin Auto Trader magazine out of my face!
If I don't get my 07 Camry someone is gonna die in this piece and when I tell them what happened they will deem it justifyable homicide and set me free cause this is just crazy.
What did I do to deserve these people? Why lord did I move here and why have you forsaken me?? Why did I quit smoking!! I am going to go sneek a bottle of wine into my room now and cry.
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