Friday, November 18, 2005


So this is day one on Zyban. For those that don't know its basically an antidepressants that they figured out helps with smoking cessation. In laymans terms, someone depressed quit smoking and they took notice. So, I decided about 3 months ago that I wanted to quit. I am a 16 year smoker, not heavy but not all that light either, with short fuse and a penchant for all things bad for me. I kinda laughed at the whole "quitting" thing for a while because I felt like I had been doing it so long that it was a part of my identity....but then I started having pains.

apparently smoking and acid reflux are in direct opposition to each other because for every cigarette I smoked, my whole digestive tract would cry out in agony. Finally, some sort of negative association that I can work with! Basically, all those stop smoking ad's that come up on the TV don't count for shit with smokers. We laugh at that shit and light up again, and we figure the only people dumb enough to fall for those "Truth" ad's are non smokers. The pain however was enough to make me seriously rethink my habit.

Not cause I hate it, not cause I think its bad or wrong or gross. Not cause I bent to pressure, or I have a fear that people wont like me or want to be around me cause I am a smoker. Not because it will give me cancer eventually, not because its costing me a fortune and not because I give a damn about any non smoker's rights, second hand smoke or what my boyfriend's family might think. NO, its not cause of any of those reasons. I didn't join the other team and I will not jeer, belittle, cough or wheeze at other smokers now. I simply wont do it because in my heart, in my make up, I am a smoker, and frankly I like my right to puff carcinogens into the night air.

The only reason I am quitting is because I am in horrendous pain, and frankly I don't wanna be in pain AND thirty battling smoking. I am exhausted, and if this is the way I go get unexhausted, then that's what I do. Which brings me to the title of this entry "You wont win bitch" which happens to be the other driving force in my quest to quit. This bitch, who shall remain nameless who up until my trip to Europe, I considered a good friend. She is now more like a jealous petty backstabbing associate who I am sure would shit on her own mother for a wedding ring and the opportunity to say "I got married first!"

This particular bitch is also a smoker, but she is one of those fake ass wanna be smokers that started in college on a whim and became full blown at 25 or 26. She is a rusty dusty ass smoker who fills up her car ashtray instead of pitching those joint out the window. She cant go more than 5 min in the car without lighting up, rain, snow, sleet, cold or heat. No weatherpattern or length of time between jacks is enough to stop her.

So yesterday, in chat (which I vowed not to go back to after the Europe incident) she is going on and on about her quest to kick the habit. Rewind: See before we left for Europe I said to her "Girl, I gotta quit, my stomach is on fire and I cant be thirty puffing on this shit" Said bitch politely looked at me and said "Ehh I don't know, I'm not ready to quit just yet" to which I replied, "well I gotta cut it out, but I cant do it before we leave, its gonna be to hard not to smoke in countries full of smokers" Bitch agrees, and lights up again, having and expressing no intention of quitting.

Fast Forward to yesterday. The whole chat crew (yuuch I hate that) is praising her for trying to quit. They are asking questions, and cheering her on like Zab Juda or some shit. Mind you, I mentioned again last week that I was quitting but no one gave me that type of ass kissing respect. Now IMO there are only a few reason why they wouldn't. 1. The don't figure Imma quit. 2. They don't care if I'mma quit or 3. They like kissin that bitches ass.

Whatever the reason, I am fuckin incensed! The bitch wasnt even thinking about Zyban until I told her I got a script for it. The bitch doesn't even have a good reason (other than she stole my 30 year old excuse) for quitting. She is just on some old "I wanna be like Tiff" shit again. You want to be me so motherfuckin bad and I just don't understand why???

But, I digress....This rookie, 10 year college smoker, swinging from my tits is NOT gonna beat me to quitting. FUCK HER! I don't roll like that! Go buy yourself another pack of Newports and shut the fuck up, but I promise you will not get to the finishline before I do. Now, I am going upstairs on the roof to puff and make this week count. I pray for those souls who anger me in the next few weeks, but that bitch is going down