Sunday, October 29, 2006

Let Me Upgrade Ya

Good evening my lovelies. I am pleased to report that after a long and grueling day I am the proud owner of a brand new fresh off the lot jet black 2007 Toyota Camry (sorry Ash). Yes people I have a radio a real honest to goodness radio. I know yall are saying "big deal", but that's big shit for a girl that's been bumpin a battery operated mini radio for over a year. Yes, yes yall a radio is big pimp type shit.

I am going to try not to get out of pocket with this car and act like I am on some balla status, but the key word there is try. I mean chances are I am gonna act up and become that chick you love to hate for the next few weeks. Windows down, radio up going 90. Sorry but I am siced I can't help it. I haven't stopped grinning like a cheshire cat since I left the lot.

This morning I got my ass out the bed bright and early and I commenced to scrubbing what could only be described as the funk of 40,000 years off the Rav. I cleaned that car till it shown like the top of the Chrystler Building (yes I am quoting from Annie, don't gudge me, the bible says not to) and vacuumed till my arms hurt. I put in a fresh quart of oil and replaced my Young Jeezy Snowman Air Freshener with a new Little Tree.

I cleaned till my fingers went numb from the cold and then I took my ass to the dealership. I was sure I wasn't going to get a dime for my Exxon wax job and Armor All-ed tires, but the dealership didn't see through my little cleanliness ruse! I got 2500 large for the old gray mare, not too shabby for a car with a serious oil leak and no radio.

So 4 hours and about 50 signatures later I am at home and happier than I have been in a long time. Words can not convey the joy I am feeling tonight, but pictures can, so expect to see me in various poses around and about my new car. You know the embarrassing B-boy stance photos that most folks don't take anymore. Sorry but mom has a new camera and "the boy" loves to take pictures.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Loose Ends

The stalled at the light today after my trip to VA. I am just praying the thing decides to hold on till Sunday. Maybe I can make it till then, who knows. Very little to discuss today, sorry people. You all know about Isaiah Washington, Wesley Snipes, Michael from Project Runway and that Flavor of Love foolishness, so I dont have any good gossip discussion.

I bought some of that MAC mineralize skinfinish which I think would be better if I used the StudioMist foundation. I got the wrong color, so until I get that worked out I am not going to fool with either of them. I will keep you posted.

Oh and I wanted to mention a guy who goes missing every once in a while but is still a someone I consider a very good friend. He reads this from time to time when he isnt busy as hell. I just wanted to say that everything is going to work out, no worries, we are in the same boat. Okay, thats your plug.

Monday, October 23, 2006

I Am Not My Nose

I always forget that I’ve had plastic surgery before. Its funny because somehow an elective surgery where they break my nose with a hammer and chisel seems less painful and invasive than what I am about to undergo. Someone is going to tell me it’s the same, and I shouldn’t be scared cause if they can rip my nose off and reposition it, than I should be able to do this cervical shit. Nope, I am still convinced its different.

Anyway, so I am one of those fools who volunteers information about plastic surgery. Like I never faked like it didn’t happen. I hated my previous nose and that is just a fact. I whined and complained and fussed about it from the time I was 7 years old until I finally had the surgery. I kept asking my mom when my nose was going to look like hers. It never did of course. The issue was that I had basically no bridge to my old nose. It was very flat, which in turn made my face itself look wide and round. Well rounder than it already is. Bottom line is I hated it, and that’s not a “oh she is rejecting her blackness” hate it’s a “this thing is misshapen” hate.

That was the first thing I endured, “you want to look white” or “I sure hope you don’t turn out like Michael Jackson” or “people who have plastic surgery don’t love themselves”. Good thing I didn’t give a flying fuck what anyone thought or that they would be nice enough to liken my nose job to that of a man with serious body dismorphic disorder. Nope, only I had to walk around with that damn thing staring me in the face every day. It was getting to the point where I wouldn’t look at it when I looked in the mirror. I just couldn’t fathom why I got stuck with it. Oh I also had a very close friend say “I sure hope your mother tries to talk some sense into you” and “you know that stripper girl *insert my name/her name here* that Troy used to date got a nose job too”. Whoopee, some chick with the same name got a nose job. Are you upset cause I am going to change my look or that your man was dating a stripper? Lets just bring it in okay, stop with the drama.

Anyway, I promised myself if I were going to do this that no comments would matter to me, and I would never be ashamed of it. 3 years later I am the first to pipe up at a party if someone says “I was thinking about getting a nose job”. Most black folks act like plastic surgery is some sort of crime. Yes, yes I have seen Vivica and Lil Kim, it can be pretty criminal if you just run about all willy nilly getting any old surgeon to correct your face. Do your homework people. Find someone that wants to preserve your ethnicity and doesn’t just wanna chop you up for some cash. I actively sought out a black plastic surgeon who I am sure was more expensive but was very interested in making sure I didn’t turn out all pinched up.

Coincidentally, when I got home Friday night I started flipping through the new Essence magazing and who should I find with a feature story? None other than my surgeon Doctor Monte O. Harris and my dermatologist Dr. Elliott Battle! They are obviously doing a booming business and I can attest to both their skill, and fabulous care. After years of horrible acne Dr. Battle managed to clear my skin. He prides himself on making women love what they see. Dr. Harris does too but he isnt quite as boisterous about it. The article says that they are opening a new practice in New York in addition to the one here in Washington DC. In fact if you have ever heard me rave about IS Clinical Active Serum,(its at the bottom of the post) Dr. Battle is the one who I got it from. Their shop is called Cultura, and if you are interested its worth checking out. Seriously, its one of the better decisions I ever made. I love my not so new anymore nose, and I love that when I look in the mirror I no longer make a conscious effort to look around it.

I remember dating a guy before I had the surgery that said he could never marry a woman with a nose job cause he wouldn’t know what their kids would look like. Yeah so his ass was fired on stupidity alone, but really is it that serious? If you dislike something enough, shouldn’t you have the right to change it without being hassled or ridiculed? Cant you just flat out not like something and want to handle it? Anyway, I think so and it feels great to see what I always wanted to see in the mirror.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Fun Facts

I dont usually do these but I stole this from Toya, Enjoy

So, the idea behind this meme is that you bold every one of these things that you've done and leave the rest in standard typeface. So, here we go!

01. bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. swam with wild dolphins
03. climbed a mountain
04. taken a ferrari for a test drive
05. been inside the great pyramid
06. held a tarantula
07. taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. said "i love you" and meant it
09. hugged a tree
10. bungee jumped
11. visited paris
12. watched a lightning storm at sea
13. stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. seen the northern lights
15. gone to a huge sports game
16. walked the stairs to the top of the leaning tower of pisa
17. grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. touched an iceberg
19. slept under the stars
20. changed a baby's diaper
21. taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. watched a meteor shower
23. gotten drunk on champagne
24. given more than you can afford to charity
25. looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. had a food fight
28. bet on a winning horse
29. asked out a stranger
30. had a snowball fight
31. screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. held a lamb
33. seen a total eclipse
34. ridden a roller coaster
35. hit a home run
36. danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. adopted an accent for an entire day
38. actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. had two hard drives for your computer
40. visited all 50 states
41. taken care of someone who was drunk
42. had amazing friends
43. danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. watched whales
45. stolen a sign
46. backpacked in europe
47. taken a road-trip
48. gone rock climbing
49. midnight walk on the beach
50. gone sky diving
51. visited ireland
52. been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. in a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. visited japan
55. milked a cow
56. alphabetized your cds
57. pretended to be a superhero
58. sung karaoke
59. lounged around in bed all day
60. played touch football
61. gone scuba diving
62. kissed in the rain
63. played in the mud
64. played in the rain
65. gone to a drive-in theater
66. visited the great wall of china
67. started a business
68. fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. toured ancient sites
70. taken a martial arts class
71. played d&d for more than 6 hours straight
72. gotten married - yes
73. been in a movie
74. crashed a party
75. gotten divorced - YES!
76. gone without food for 5 days - Flu
77. made cookies from scratch
78. won first prize in a costume contest
79. ridden a gondola in venice
80. gotten a tattoo - 3 so far
81. rafted the snake river
82. been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. gotten flowers for no reason
84. performed on stage
85. been to las vegas
86. recorded music
87. eaten shark
88. kissed on the first date
89. gone to thailand
90. bought a house
91. been in a combat zone
92. buried one/both of your parents
93. been on a cruise ship
94. spoken more than one language fluently
95. performed in rocky horror
96. raised children
97. followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. passed out cold
99. taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. walked the golden gate bridge
102. sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. had plastic surgery - Nose, circa 2003
104. survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. wrote articles for a large publication
106. lost over 100 pounds
107. held someone while they were having a flashback
108. piloted an airplane
109. touched a stingray
110. broken someone's heart
111. helped an animal give birth
112. won money on a t.v. game show
113. broken a bone - skiing accident
114. gone on an african photo safari
115. had a facial part pierced other than your ears - Tongue
116. fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol - Not at anyone, I know what yall are thinkin
117. eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wildside note
where is 118?
119. had major surgery
120. had a snake as a pet
121. hiked to the bottom of the grand canyon
122. slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours - Flu
123. visited more foreign countries than u.s. states
124. visited all 7 continents
125. taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. eaten kangaroo meat
127. eaten sushi - All the time
128. had your picture in the newspaper - 3 years Softball Championship Team
129. changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. gone back to school
131. parasailed
132. touched a cockroach
133. eaten fried green tomatoes
134. read The iliad
135. selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. killed and prepared an animal for eating - Fish counts right?
137. skipped all your school reunions
138. communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. been elected to public office
140. written your own computer language
141. thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. built your own PC from parts
144. sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. had a booth at a street fair
146. dyed your hair - I dont even know what the original color was
147. been a dj
148. shaved your head
149. caused a car accident
150. saved someone's life

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

That New Car Smell...the Murphy's Law Edition

Have I told you good people about my car? Well if I haven't you should look at this and come back. You done? Okay great.

With that joke in the can, let me tell you all about the new car nightmare that is unfolding at my house. First off for those that don't know or forgot, I was stupid enough to move back home with my parents at the end of September. Foolishly I though this might be less traumatic than the last time I lived here for 6 months back in 97.

Oh silly stupid me I must have been smoking that stuff my son did a paper in health class this week on. Btw when did they start telling kids that marajuana is deadly?

No matter, let me cut to the chase. My car is dying and not slowly. It is ingesting oil at an alarming rate and has started a clipse/pharell type of "grindin" that makes me think either I am going to loose a tire or the axle is going to snap. To say that its a death trap is an understatement of epic proportions.

I still drive it every day as it chugs its way to death. Now the logical question is why not just go get a new car. Excellent question my friends with an even better answer. I can't, I don't own the piece of shit. It belongs to the two professional irritants I live with...jointly so I can't sell it or trade it without thieir collective signatures.

Surely you say, they must see your radioless busted whip coughing down the driveway every morning right? You would think that but no, not these two. They believe that this is a magical car that will last into eternity and beyond. Those pesky 150k miles and dangerous sounds are mearly a figment of my spoiled and greedy imagination.

Now lets all just take a moment to reflect. Car dying, parents dilusional, no sale. Ohhh I forgot the best part. They have each had 4 cars a piece in the ten years I have owned the junk box. Altimas and Lexuses, Four-Runners and Pathfinders, Infinities, Mercedes, Cadilacs and Mazdas. Yes folks you name it they have owned it.

I am not even asking for help, I am just asking for the right to unload this hooptie. I don't even want the $7.13 the dealer would give me for it...or charge me to take it. No I just want it gone. Too bad they think its fine and dandy. Attitudes change when I offer them a ride though. Somehow no one wants to think about walking back to the house or breathing in the toxic fumes hot off the engine.

So after the boss sent me to the outskirts of VA again last week and my car started really showing out, they finally agreed to entertain the idea of letting it go. However not without a fee. That fee ladies and gents is my soul and what's left of my sanity.

I did my homework, I priced the car I wanted, I know I can afford it and I am more than ready. Its the best car for the least money and I am ready. Except now they want to shop around for a better deal.

Can you feel my anger through the screen? Its blinding and hot and is threatening to destroy me. Someone please tell me WHY they are involved in ANY WAY?? I am buying the car, not these two crackheads. Who cares what it costs if I am buying it? Dad get that fuckin Auto Trader magazine out of my face!

If I don't get my 07 Camry someone is gonna die in this piece and when I tell them what happened they will deem it justifyable homicide and set me free cause this is just crazy.

What did I do to deserve these people? Why lord did I move here and why have you forsaken me?? Why did I quit smoking!! I am going to go sneek a bottle of wine into my room now and cry.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Busy, busy, busy

I am trying folks. I mean I have had all these great ideas and topics to cover last week but everytime I tried to post I got all involved in life.

There is the whole creepy old-guy stalker dude from my storage place that I wanted to discuss. That is ongoing and I will get around to the story sometime soon.

There was the whole every day on the toll road deal which is killing my poor old car and emptying my wallet faster than a mugger on the National Mall.

There is the end of The Ultimate Fighter, LOST, the Project Runway Finale, Ortiz vs. Shamrock and Kendall Grove's win against some no name fool.

There is just so much to say and I kow you are thinking "you are on here now, just spill it." Honestly I am on coat in on my nails and between loads of laundry and I haven't even come close to figuring out what to wear tomorrow.

Monday, October 09, 2006

An Open Letter to Terrell Owens

Dear T.O.,

We hope you enjoyed your stay in the city of brotherly love this weekend. We enjoyed having you as a guest in our home after your unexpected departure late last year. Thanks to your visit, sales of both Energizer and Duracell batteries skyrocketed! Both companies send their thanks. We hope that the extra added security we provided made you feel all warm and snuggly.

We are also deeply sorry that you seemed to be so angry when you left so we would like to extend a second offer to come and stay and play in the beautiful city of Philadelphia. Its clear that your 14 point loss was not your fault at all, it was everyone elses...right? Please dont cry, not on the field anyway. I mean at least stomp your feet and hold your breath like a child, but please no tears, its embarrassing.

We know that you don’t need us anymore, but after last night it should be abundantly clear that we don’t need you. We sure hope you can now feed your family on the crow you must be choking on this morning. Have a safe flight back to Texas! I guess that power of one thing doesn’t really apply to you now does it?

P.S. Don’t be mad at Drew Bledsoe, he tried to get the ball to you, but with us sacking him every play, he must have been pretty dizzy.

Very truly yours,

The Eagles

Thursday, October 05, 2006

When Keepin It Curly Goes Wrong

Dear fellow beauty bloggers:

I need help.

I am out of my tried and true Ms. Jessie’s Curly Buttercream and I am experiencing serious pocket shock just thinking about paying $58 for another jar.

I need some alternatives and they need to be as moisturizing and effective without being heavy or greasy. So, tell me what you know. Should I try Carols Daughter Healthy Hair Butter? Mixed Chicks Leave in Conditioner/Styling Cream or should I just fork over the $58 large and quit crying already?? If you’ve done a comparison, or you have knowledge of the effectivness of any, all or other types of curly cream let me know. I think with the help of a spoon and some patience I can get one more day out of my jar…..maybe.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006


I decided to use my lunch break today to write a letter. Enjoy!

Dear Paris,

I heard what happened last night, and for the record just let me say…HAHAAAAA!
Does your face hurt? It should. Here’s hoping that Shanna beat your ass worse than Nick Carter did a few years back. Tell Stavros he is a bitch for trying to fight Shanna and that you shoulda tried to handle it yourself. I can see how you might not want to considering how you got your ass whipped by Shannon Doherty over that Rick Solomon mess. A word of advice from my good friend Dia, if you gonna start taking men, you better learn how to knuckle up!

Today’s theme music in honor of Shanna “Stomp’em Out” Moakler
“Whoop that Trick” from the Hustle and Flow soundtrack.

Get’em lol

Just Please Stop

You ever want to kick someone in the throat? I do and let me tell you why. If you don’t know what you are talking about, you should just be quiet. Also, even if you think you know what you are talking about, you probably shouldn’t be SO loud and SO wrong with it as not to have people who are aware that you are loud and wrong overhear you.

Example, moving to DC after 20 years in the suburbs doesn’t qualify you to give a history lesson on the city. You didn’t grow up there, and you haven’t been there long enough to have a good grasp of the city or its residents.

When you talk about how great a portion of the city is that has undergone gentrification, don’t say how much “better” it is now. The black people that got forced out of their homes after living there for 50+ years don’t think its better. They don’t think its so beautiful now that they cant afford the property taxes, but hey I am glad you are enjoying your new coffee shop, pricy condo and trendy bar.

When you discuss the 60’s riots, don’t make statements like “The only black owned business on U street that survived was Ben’s Chili Bowl” because while you might be right about it being the only one to stay in operation the entire time, you are incorrect when you refer to Ben Ali as black. I know we all look alike but really, middle eastern isn’t Negro. It’s different, really I wouldn’t bullshit you.

Food in a black neighborhood does not equal “Soul Food”. Half Smokes, and chili isn’t soul food either, at least not in my household it isn’t. In fact don’t even use the term Soul Food, because what you mean to call it is Southern Cooking, and that would consist of more than hot dogs and fries.

Don’t give lessons on how that food is no good for you and “if you don’t care about your health, its great”. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Black people don’t sit around stuffing chili dogs in our faces all day. Don’t presume to understand what we eat and why we eat it either. Just cause there were black people in there, don’t assume that is a part of our daily diet.

Your ignorance is showing, stop talking, people can hear you. Black people, who’s family’s grew up in DC, who know that it’s not a bad or “rough” neighborhood just because they haven’t bulldozed the rest of blacks out yet.

Ben’s is a landmark, and a great place to go on a Friday night after being at the club or just generally hanging out. If you are a Howard U grad its not just a hang out, its an institution and a rite of passage. Its interesting, its fun and it’s a part of the city’s rich culture, but it is not a Soul Food restaurant, and I aim to point out that you look stupid saying it.

I even feel like it wouldn’t be so bad if you didn’t think you knew everything in the free fucking world about everything. Sure, you are smart and you went to school like the rest of us, but you don’t know everything and you shouldn’t pipe up to offer your unsolicited opinion on every subject being discussed. Especially a city you just happened to move to because it’s the “in” thing to do.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

That's Entertainment

Evening folks I am taking a page from the Musiclover handbook (that's my cousin) and setting up this blog. The mood for tonights blog is serene, and the music for tonight is Gratitude by Earth Wind and Fire. Lets start it off.

Thank god for ABC! That network used to really be a snore a few years back but Full House this aint! I am all about some abc. They are working it out this year with a full weeks line up of good quality entertainment, or at least its entertaining for me, and really isn't that all that matters?

I am super siced about the return of my all time favorite show LOST. Sure it scares the shit out of me sometimes and I am one of those annoying nerd types that checks out all the show related websites with the creepy supernatural links and shit. Terrible just terrible I know, blame Pangea.

I am excited about being so wrapped up in my show again, however I am not happy about my Tivo not being hooked up or the fact that I now have to discuss my favorite show with the dryest broad in history. Oh well.

I am also a Thursday night Grey's Anatomy junkie and frankly who could blame me? Its a great show written by a brilliant woman, with interesting characters and a soundtrack everyone loves. That and I just found out that McSteamy is going to become a full fledged cast member.

Now that man is dreamy, fuck a Patrick Dempsy. I would take Dr. Sloane any day of the week. And as much as I wanted to hate Addison, I actually cheered out loud for her when he emerged from the shower of her hotel room. Yeah I'm a fan.

Friday is my new fave, Men in Trees, which I hear is doing great in the ratings...god I hope my Tivo is hooked up by friday! We've discussed that show so I won't bore you, but my whole family is hooked, and I got themakeupgirl on board too.

Then there is dancing with the Stars and Ugly Betty which is super cute and comes on right after Grey's. I love America Ferrara and Vanessa Williams is so over the top nasty its just delightful!

Last but not least is Desperate Housewives which after falling flat last season has my undivided attention. At least I don't have to deal with another sopranos debacle this year. So this is why I love abc, and why if my damn digital cable ever gets connected properly I will be right in front of my Tivo every night of the week.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves

Evening folks! I am pleased to report that I have officially moved on up to the east side. I am safely snuggled into my one room in the corner of my parents house right next to my teenage son. What a proud moment. Now I know this is all for the greater good, however I can't help but feel that I have written my own eulogy. Here lies Avin, moved home at thirty, enough said.

Speaking of the move, it was just slightly worse than that time I packed myself into about 5 trashbags and slept on a kiddie mattress on my sister in laws section 8 apartment. Yes folks slightly worse. It was much worse than escape from the ghetto 2001, which included an apartment snafu that left me packed into my mothers garage during the September 11th tragedy. Yes folks this one takes the cake.

Let me start by saying that I am well versed in the art of moving. I have moved about 10 times in the last 15 years. I can pack anything, and fast. With that said I have only used a mover once before. That mover didn't really count though. It was a Army Transportation move that I went and scheduled one day in the little office behind "In Processing" up at Ft. Meade. I say it doesn't count because they came and put all my shit into boxes, catalogued it, and shipped it to Georgia.

Sure they broke one of my favorite Pfaltzgraff plates, lost the remote to the TV (before the invention of universal remotes) and broke the wood in our hand me down sofa, but the move was smooth, and all I had to do was say "put it there". Like I said it doesn't count. There wasn't any bullshit or haggling or threats, nooooo there was just packing, shipping and unpacking. How I miss Uncle Sam and his merry band of transportation specialists.

Somehow, I managed to get roped into getting a mover this time. By roped I mean forced by my mother. My dear sweet deluded mother who's last move was in 83 to the house I now call home. She is not only completely In the dark about things like rental rates, storage bin costs and movers she is completely oblivious to the fact that I have moved more times than I can count without the benefit of a mover. Just me, some men, some beer and a U-Haul.

I know what you're thinking, I must be the type that stands over to the side and says "put it there". Now despite the Army story, I am not that girl. Uncle Sam makes you stand back and do that crap for legal, liability type reasons. Besides, any former military persons or spouses know that if you get hurt on Uncle Sam's watch, you are only gonna get some Motrin and an ace bandage, its just not worth it. I say all that to point out that I haul my own shit.

I do just as much as the fellas I supply with breakfast, lunch, cold water and beer. I cut my nails off and get crunk with it. I know how to get the job done. Apparently, these are facts that my mother just didn't seem to fine impressive or interesting. I tried my best to skirt the mover issue, but she wouldn't let it go, and I have been trying out this non confrontational thing where I don't fight with my blood relatives every week. So I got a damn mover.

Not just any mover. I got a respected local mover who had been in business for umpteen years and assured me that my 3rd floor, two stop, storage bin move would be no problem. So Wednesday, these movers called to confirm my move date, negotiated dollar amount, time of arrival, number of crew members and to remind me that it was a 4 hour minimum charge, plus one hour for transportation. A fucking 5 hour move!! No one said that shit on the phone when I called. What the fuck do you do at that point though? Who else you gonna get to come get your shit two days before move day, the second to last day of the month. Who I ask you?

So I did the math, adjusted my account and attitude and soldiered on. Then Friday came, move day. I waited with my mother and her sisters for 12pm. Which came and went. I call, they say "shortly". 2pm, I call "oh they aren't finished at the first move" they say. Maybe 5pm they say. What the fuck I say! 5 hour move, 6 pm arrival, storage closes at 9pm, um excuse me but that's not gonna work. I aint paying for 5 hours when I can only get 3. I express my displeasure politely to the head asshole. He says "that's out policy". I again explain that 3 hors is not 5 hours. He again ignores me. I proceed to pitch a full on bitch complete with emphasis on "fucking outrageous" and " I aint paying for that shit".

Magically, movers call. They arrive, drunk. Or at least on their way to drunk. Maybe they were just passing through buzzed, but they all smelled like a distillery. They start packing it up at 5pm. Present me with paperwork. For those that don't know, I eat sleep and breathe contracts. I obsessively read contracts all day, checking and re checking, summarizing, and editing. That is my whole life...Contracts. So when I say I read the fine print on that low budget ditto copy contract, I aint blowing smoke.

I checked that shit for loopholes and general bullshit, cause their behavior up until their arrival had been sketchy at best. So I reluctantly signed, and started directing traffic. One hour and a half later, whole place is packed, and we are off to mom's. 10 min stop at mom's and on to Storage. We arrive and the lead drunk wants to settle up. Fine whatever, we are WELL under 5 hours and I took elementary math. I owe somewhere around $800. I will do what I can to explain this accurately, but I was temporarily insane for a while.

The lead drunk Al, informed me that I owed them $1339 and some odd change. First the room spun, then it got really warm, and then I think I blacked out. I do recall using the word "fuck" a lot, and calling my mother and father and asking them to come out and figure that shit out. I recall asking for Al to "itemize that shit" and I remember "the boyfriend" walking me over to a corner. I let them take over at that point because I was feeling real violent at the time.

Apparently this fucker and his boss were trying to work me, till they realized that lawyer-dad wasn't having that shit. There was some babble about stair charge and gas fee and some surcharge BS, oh and the best was the charges for packing materials that they won't move you without, but I couldn't get involved at that point.

Talking about, we told you over the phone. First, no you didn't, and second its not in your Playschool Contract, trust me I checked. I let "the boyfriend" and the old folks handle that shit. My ass was just too fucking angry. I know you are thinking, why not just tell em to fuck off? I would have, but they still had my shit, and basically they knew it. After some seriously annoying Attorney questioning, Al the drunk "realized" (read: gave up) and said "oops we made a mistake. Its an hour and a half unload, not a 4 hour unload, our mistake.

Motherfucker please! You're bullshitting, get over yourself already. We didn't finish till 8:50, thanks to those fucks. So like I said, it was a mess. Dad is going to pursue it, and I am never using a mover again. Drunk fuckers! So here is your plug All My Sons Moving and Storage. Fuck you very much for trying to dick me over. If its not in the contract I don't owe you and your alkie employees shit. Especially when the boyfriend did most of the unload.

Wheww I just realized how long this post is! More tomorrow, night!