Saturday, December 30, 2006


You ever just know folks are making shit up? Uggh the amount of frivolous liars on this planet is crazy. Take for instance these classic scenarios. I know that you all know these classic liars so if one seems familiar just drop me a line.

The Expert

The Expert is the guy or girl who knows Every.Fucking.Thing. There is never a situation or experience that the expert has not been involved in. For instance, the Expert may have had every job known to man, perhaps the expert was a war hero, a CEO, pro athlete, world traveler chief, cook, bottle washer and the Guinness book of world records holder for every record over the last ten years.

Now, the Expert may have actually been involved in or around some of these activities. The Expert may even know pertinent information that is important to the credibility of said stories. However, if you listen closely to the experts many stories, inconsistencies begin to appear. Dates and names, and especially places all seem muddled.

You can't be in 15 places at the same time. You can't work a 6 figure job in the states and be in Lithuania, Japan, Germany, and Korea, be an army ranger, play for the local Pro Football team all while in college. You also can't be a former professional model, dance for a ballet company, have dated or slept with 15 celebrities, get your degree in computer science, help out your adoptive parents and 8 siblings while being a bi-sexual mother of two with MS.

The Expert is usually easy to spot, he or she is always the first to pipe up and tell a story even when no one asked.

The Embellisher

The Embellisher isn't an expert and doesn't profess to be one. The embellisher only wishes to make their personal story greater. The Embellisher loves to be known as the person with the greatest story of all time. Say this liar went to London on vacation. Well instead of just doing the normal tourist retelling of their trip the Embellisher adds that not only did they get to see Buckingham Palace, but that they had tea with the queen and were invited to dinner with Muhammad Al Fayed after watching the prince play polo with his sons.

Perhaps the Embellisher got a present. Suddenly the present isn't just a ring or a bracelet but a one of a kind jewelry set from Tiffany or David Yurman presented on a stack of 800 count Egyptian cotton sheets by a man driving the new Maybach. Now you will never see any evidence of these unbelievable activities and once the story is told it might change 3 or 4 times after its first retelling. The thrill for the Embellisher is not the proof mind you but the story itself. The ability to make yourself larger than life is worth the stares and incredulous stares. No one ever believes the Embellisher, but that's not the point.

The No Point Liar

This is the person that has no idea they are lying after a while. They lie about shit that makes zero sense to lie about. Like what they ate or where they are or where they might go later. The No Point Liar hasn’t got any real reason for lying so it’s baffling why they do it. You'll call them as they are riding down the street wind blowing in the background and they will say "Yep I am just watching TV and getting ready to go to bed". Things that are just stupid that no one in their right mind even cares about. Who cares if you ate a burrito or a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner? No Point doesn’t even enjoy the art of a lie, in fact they don’t even know they are doing it.


This is perhaps the most creative liar of them all. Factoid jumps in when there is a need for an explanation. Mind you the explanation is ALWAYS wrong. Factoid is creative and wants nothing more than to be the brightest guy in the room. Factoid knows the correct distance to the sun, the speed at which light travels, the exact type of concrete used to pour flooring, the legal system by heart, the birthplace of obscure jazz musicians, the origins of hip-hop music, the type and brand of lace front wig that Tyra Banks wears, and the correct nationality for every person born between 1972 and 2006.

Factoid knows EVERYTHING and nothing. This type of liar is so easy to spot its comical. Life is like a Mad Libs book for the Factoid, it’s just a matter of filling in the blanks with what sounds correct. I wrote about a Factoid early on who knows everything from breast feeding to soul food. Only a complete fool or the Expert would fall for this type of BS. The Expert loves an opportunity to chime in and say "I did that too" so it’s easy to see why these two would get along so well.

Folks just love to lie and why I will never know, but if you recognize a liar feel free to call them out. I have decided that calling folks out is what's hot for the 07, and I am going to start with a few Experts.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Lil Wayne Returns and So Does Christmas

It aint my birthday but I got my name on the cake. Sorry I just wanted to say that.

I am starting to be annoyed and frankly with it being Christmas time I don’t like it when folks start fucking with my Christmas Joy. I love the holidays and I anyone who Humbug's my Christmas might get cut with something rusty. I am serious about it, don’t fuck with my Christmas Joy.

Seriously, I am going to have to stop allowing anonymous comments if this assclown doesn’t quit posting that nonsense on my blog. It was amusing the first time but now I am annoyed, so let me just address it and be done.

No, I didn’t fucking read it
No, I wont fucking read it
No, you wont get any more airtime on my damn blog
No, I don’t give a fuck what it said or what you hope to accomplish by doing it.

Please I am asking nicely (and anyone who knows me knows that is a fucking stretch of the highest order) leave my comments section alone.

With that said I would like to return to my Christmas Joy.

I am a Holiday person, I just happen to be a Baptist so that means I celebrate Christmas, BUT hold on now there. I love the holidays period. I don’t care if you celebrate Kwanzaa or Hanukkah or any other derivative thereof. I am all for it. Roll out the decorations and bring on the food and family and fellowship. This is what I love about the season itself.

Now I know you are thinking how odd it must be that I am a complete cynic all year round and then December rolls around and I get a soft heart. Well, its strange but true. I love Christmas music (but not that jazzed up crap) some old and some new. The season for me hasn’t fully started until I hear three songs. Let it Snow by Boys II Men, All I Want for Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey, and Santa Claus is Coming to town by Pleasure (its a defunct go-go group).

I am the queen of gift giving and I love to see peoples faces light up and enjoy their surprises. I love angels, and cards, and peppermint and cookies and everything in between. Yes folks Christmas is SERIOUS business for me.

I live for charity events like visiting the Holiday Coalition out at on of my properties. That was amazing and just filled me with the spirit of the season. I went hunting for the perfect gift for the child who's name I picked off the tree here in the office. I was so excited to wrap it on Sunday night I could hardly contain myself. My closet is stuffed to the gills with gifts for everyone I could think of, including a special gift for the dog.

Saturday I went up to "the boyfriend's" and helped him decorate the tree. We got a bunch of special ornaments from Pier One, and we drank wine and listened to music that had NOTHING to do with Christmas, but it was so much fun. He used to be a real scrooge but I try to get him to experience the magic of the season by spending time with family and friends. He was actually excited about the tree this year, but he would deny it if you asked him.

I have a recipe for a white hot chocolate that I am going to make for everyone this weekend. After I stop past the liquor store and Best Buy I will be officially finished and I can move on to my pot luck recipe for tomorrow's gift exchange!

Wheeewww! I didn’t realize its only 6 days till Christmas! Are you ready?

Monday, December 18, 2006

Oh My Side!

I officially quit Justin Timberlake.
I have been laughing all day about this SNL nonsense. I am going home, my sides hurt.

Merry Christmas

I dont think I can ever forgive him for these two either.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

More Confusing Than Lil Wayne Lyrics

Okay, so I get anonymous comments all the time. Some are cool, some are rude as fuck, and others....well then there are others like the one I got this evening. I just happened to be checking my gmail account when I stumbled upon an unmoderated comment (yes I do moderate comments and now I remember why) on Avin's Day.

It was in the topic "Just Catching Up" and I figured, oh great I have some unsolicited opinion on whether or not black comedians should be using the N word. Just what I want after a long day of driving and meeting and paying tolls. In a way I was thinking YES hate mail! Finally something to argue about that doesn’t involve the improper installation of a retail sign. I know, I know, I am weird as hell, but part of me is convinced that no one but my closest friends read this thing, and if there are others they are only reading up on me for a case study or something. Probably titled "What Crazy Looks Like" by Random Grad Student.

Anyway, man was I wrong! Some wingnut went and posted a damn dissertation in my comments about drawing disfavor from "the gods" and some other shit riddled with grammatical errors, typos and a severe under use of the enter button.

I gotta admit I did try to read it cause I wanted to see what side of the fence this lunchbox was sitting on, but frankly I gave up after the 80th run on sentence I was just fucking confused and bewildered. Really, its the strangest thing I have ever seen, and I am quite sure judging just by its length its a copy paste job, but someone had to write this nonsense initially. Anyway, I don’t have the energy to read the rest, I am about 1 cup of tea away from passing smooth out. Maybe one day if I am super bored or need to confuse myself for fun I will read it, but I just cant address it.

Anyone interested in reading this dissertation hit me up. I cant guarantee you that you'll understand it, or even be able to read it let alone complete it, but if you just gotta sleep and you need something stronger than Ambian and a Rubik’s Cube, I will forward it. It covers everything from AIDS in Africa to female genital mutilation, the crack epidemic to gang membership, black-on-black violence, Hip-Hop, Classic Rock, poverty, homosexuality, women, men, and anything else that might anger "the gods".

There s just confusion, and frankly I would argue...but I really just don’t understand it.

I am going the hell to bed, Good Night.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Sweet Escape My Ass

Would someone please explain to me what is going on with Gwen Stefani? I mean, I didnt discuss it when she went on the AMA's dressed like a gold lame Gretel, but I probably should have addressed it right then and there. Can I just have a moment of silence for the girl who made me sing "Trapped in A Box?"

Okay I am better now, but seriously someone hit me up. Call me, email me drop me a line and explain to me how you use a sample from the sound of music and yodel on your first single? I know she is trying to be edgy, I know that she is working with "lemme sing your hook" Skateboard P. but was there no one with the nuts to tell her that this was crazy?

Wind it Up is about the scariest single since that Popozao debacle FedEx put out. I really wanted to love it, and I wanted to support Gwen on her second solo outing, but when she broke into the yodling I stopped feeling bad about hating "Hollaback Girl". I am starting to fear that having that baby has robbed her of all common sense. I mean poor little Kingston, listening to his mommy yodel on record and thinking "Daddy better get Bush back together or we are screwed". At least thats what I would be thinking about now.

Then last night she was back on my damn TV on the Billboard awards in that one-piece gingham overall set with a live fucking sheep. I seriously have no words.

Just Catching Up

Sheesh I am tired as all hell. Last night was the office Holiday Party and we all had a great time. I am going to try and keep it brief as my homegirl has mentioned specifically that I not go too far in detail....but damn do I want to!!!

I do however feel like I got shorted a day on my weekend. Not that I don’t love the folks at my job, but when I just saw yall Friday, and then I see you Saturday and I only get Sunday to slow my brain, recuperate and think of anything but work...I feel shorted. Noting that my homegirl is going to give me shit about this one. Anyway, Christmas is coming and I have a ton of shit to do and no where near enough time or money to get it done. I think this happens every year but honestly I don’t really remember much these days. I actually started dreaming about work and that is never a good sign.

There was only one thing I wanted to address that’s been a recent head scratcher. Exactly who is calling for black comedians to stop using the "N" word? I am confused. First, I know that KKKramer isn’t really trying to say that because he hears this word from the likes of Paul Mooney, Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle that he got confused about it and thought it was okay to say it. I KNOW that’s not really his defense.

Second, I am not condoning the use of it, but if we are going to be real here lets just be real. Black people use that word, and it’s really not a secret. In our own families, in our own company yes, we use it and no it doesn’t mean the same thing. Maybe you are going to tell me "I don’t use it" well maybe you don’t but I bet your uncle or your grandma or your homeboy or someone in your circle does. I don’t know a black family that doesn’t have one soul in it who never said it. I won’t argue spelling or semantics I am just saying it exists amongst us for totally different reasons.

The point of this basically is the question, are we (as a whole) really taking responsibility for other people using this word?? Is it suddenly black people's faults that we are called racist names? I am fucking confused because that in my opinion is crazy. First that word wasn’t our creation, second when we flipped it and made it something else we didn’t do it for the benefit of others, third our use of it comical or otherwise has not and will not make it okay for others to use period. I know this is actually going to upset some folks but lets just get it into perspective, some shit is a cant for some people.

I just think it’s completely ridiculous to be put in a position of blame for this racist tirade. Mooney never condoned lynching when he said it so this "Black comedians have got to stop using the word" BS is just too much for me. How about you round up all the comedians who are confused about it, who think maybe its okay to say it and who have ill intentions by using it and you sign them to some sort of agreement, but quit harassing Chris Rock already. I already know he isn’t going to stop and frankly I don’t think he should have to. The distribution of blame is amazing in America and some how it’s always someone else’s fault.