Friday, August 31, 2007

I'll Even Cut My Hair And Change My Name

So I chopped off all my hair. Yeah, I couldnt think of a good way to start this post so I figured I would just come right out and say it. After weeks of torturing my poor hair with bonded tracks and attempting to go back to my regular hair style after removing them, I was just fed up with it and had Ana hack it off. I havent had short hair since my son was a baby, but I know I like it. I also know that its very freeing. Its light, and its beautiful.

So as the hairdresser is chopping down what could only be described as a lopsided flaxen briar patch, I was texting with a friend who I thought was going to break out into that line from International Players Anthem "Dont do it! Reconsider, read some literat-ure on the subject" cause she was highly upset with me for even suggesting I was going to cut it.

I tell you like I tell her, its hair and it will grow back. Seriously, I am not all that attached to it. In fact as I was toting around that full bag of tracks last week I was very unhappy with the prospect of having permanent long hair. It was hot, and I had to spend way too much time dealing with it. Pressing it, curling it, trying to keep it out of my face. I understand that long is the way to go for a whole bunch of folks, but for me, I am going to keep it easy. It cant be so bad, I got more compliments on it in an hour than I ever have on that look I was sporting before. God bless the Dominicans.

I think I just needed a change really. So many things in my life are so heavy right now, and I just need something to be young, fresh and new if you get my drift. I even managed to soak off those acrylic nails I was ever so fond of.....yeah right. I guess for me, my worth doesnt come from a head full of hair or a full set. No, I seem to manage just fine without them.

Other than that, life is starting to return to normal I guess. The old folks returned from their jaunt around the world. They are both violently ill and I have been trying to quaranteen them both to no avail. I dont understand what it is with sick folks and touching things. Just go sit somewhere already.

The whole issue with the starvation weightloss worked out, but today was the very first time I have had the opportunity to go to the gym, but hey what do you do. At least I havent gained any weight since the wedding. I promised my homegirl that this time next year we would go to Ocean City and I would be wearing my old small swimsuits. Two-piece mind you! I dont play, I keeps it real.

Okay, I have to go practice the Cupid Shuffle so I can show up/embarrass my son. What are mom's for?

Friday, August 24, 2007

Bury Me In 93

Pour out a little liquor, bury me in some Used jeans
A Champion top and a cherry push pop
Bury me in 93, nothin more nothin less,
When I get where I'm goin, I just gotta be fresh

Okay okay maybe I am being a touch dramatic, but if you had seen what I saw last night, you might recite Young Jeezy lyrics too. Last night I witnessed something so heartbreaking that I may never recover. Sit a spell and let me tell you about it.

So "the boy" and I have been home alone for the last few days while the old folks jaunt across the Mediterranean by cruise ship. I am sure they are having a blast. Me and the boy are actually having a blast too, its called peace and quiet. Since the wedding I have been attempting to catch up on my reality TV. I missed a lot, and I have to apologize for promising to review SYTYCD this year and totally giving up mid season but I hear Sabre won and deserved it.

I've been a bit on the stressed out side and trying to lose an enormous amount of weight in a really short period of time. I was going to write about the "dress debacle" while it was occurring but I figured Dia might read it and have a panic attack. Long story short, since February I have gone from 175lbs to 150lbs. That last 5-10 being the hardest to budge and though its not right, I went on a starvation diet for two weeks. The dress fit, and I stopped living in the gym and off tomato, cheese, water, red bull and apples. Don't try that at home kids. There is nothing cute about hypoglycemic attacks while me.

Anyway, I am getting sidetracked (its probably residual hunger) so back to my reality TV catch up. Last night I watched one of the Rock of Love episodes (highly recommended reality filth) and this new show came on behind it. Mission: Man Band.

Now I had heard about this show in passing, but I didn't know who the hell was on it or really what the hell it was about. I know yall think I spend my whole life memorizing rap lyrics and watching trash TV but really there is more to me than that. Well, after that diet there isnt much of anything left of me so I will just stick to the topic. While I was busy sitting around cursing these damn acrylic tips and trying press and curl a head full of bonded Yaki #4, I realize that the boys (excuse me Men) on this show used to be real life performers.

We have Chris Kirkpatrick from NSync, the kid who wasn't the Lachey brothers or the funny looking kid from 98 Degrees, The guy who sang that one annoying song about girl and Abercrombie from LFO and some fat guy in a hat with a beard. Who the hell is that exactly???

So I paid it no mind, kept on flat iron curling the nonsense on my head when I hear them start talking about the fat kid and drinking. Seriously WHO IS THAT GUY??

That's when I got out my trusty iPhone (yes I bought one, don't judge me the bible says not to) and started trying to Wiki this Mission Man Band show, when suddenly I heard the guy's name. Bryan Abrams. Shit, I know that guy, why do I know that guy I am thinking and suddenly, they flash on his face and it hits me like Blake hits Amy Winehouse at 4am.


Yeah so you are lost right now, but I am seriously still traumatized by my revelation. Bryan is the Bryan of Mark, Bryan, Kevin and Sam Color Me Badd fame. The same Bryan that I spent countless hours drooling over and taping pictures of next to my shrine of Mark Wahlberg in high school. The Bryan that I would probably have stepped over any man (maybe not Marky Mark) to get to just for a few bars of "I Adore Mi Amore".

Coincidentally I had a boyfriend who attempted to sing that song once and almost ruined it for me forever. Thanks a lot Jason Swoyer wherever your ass is. Never mind the fact that I still have the original Color Me Badd CD in heavy rotation on my iPod and still remember all the words to "All For Love" and "Thinkin Back" (okay you see my devotion right) I mean I never gave a damn about the other members of the group, but let me assure you that if Bryan had a fan, it was me.

Yes he came in on my list right under Mark and Jon B (lawd dont get me started) so you know it was serious.

Why am I all hyped up and heartbroken (yes I think I can safely say its heartbreak) about all this. Well let me hip you to a few photos. This was the Bryan I knew and loved back in 93.

And this is the Bryan of 2007's Mission Man Band:

They sorta got him cleaned up for the promo shots but I mean damn is this really better?

Seriously, why am I the last to know everything? Why didn't anyone say something to me about this? Or did no one else know? Just call me on the phone, send me a damn text or something and explain it to me. I mean I am reasonable. It seriously took me half an hour to close my mouth. Then I had to call The Makeup Girl and tell her to turn it on. We just sat in stunned silence. I mean, it was just too much for my head full of weave to process.

I know that not everyone stays the same size forever. I am WELL aware of that fact. I also understand he has had some pretty hard times, some alcoholism, a couple baby mommas and a stint working in a tire shop. I will give him the tire thing, Suzy tells me that they are no bullshit and all she did was truck them from one end of the building to the other.

So now they are a band called Sureshot, which is okay with me I mean....I am a touch too old for boy bands (but for some reason not too old to crank dat soulja boy in a public place) but you know how I feel about reality TV. As long as it doesn't get in the way of Lobster Wars and Anchorwoman (how the fuck did this get cancelled so fast???) I will be okay. Besides there isnt shit on right now, all my shows are on hiatus, and I cant keep watching Ninja Warrior and old UFC matches, its giving me strange ideas and we all know I am not stable. I certainly hope that they can get Bryan to drop a few pounds. I mean I might still have a place in my tiny cold little heart for him.

In the words of Fresh from Crunk & Disorderly "Please put Bryan on the tippy top of your prayer list". We want you to know we do it All 4 Love Bryan.

Monday, August 20, 2007

My Best Friend's Wedding

This weekend, the beautiful Ms. Dia B. became a Mrs. I was so honored to be a part of her special day and to stand up for her as her bridesmaid. For anyone who doesn't know it, Dia is one of my very best girlfriends. Though we've only known each other for a few years, we became close like sisters almost immediately. Its funny, because I have always had people in my life that I considered to be friends, but not very many that I ever felt like I could trust. Dia is just good people. We have been inseparable for years now, and I would feel lost without her friendship.

The wedding was a fabulous event and Dia looked just like a princess. After me and her sisters quit cutting up in the foyer of the church, and we issued warnings to the youngest sister, we made the middle sister go pee for the 50-11th time (she is 4 months pregnant), Juan the matron of honor got her tissue game in check and Tremaine quit dancing, we all got it together and made it down the aisle. Now the youngest and the MOH will cry at the drop of a hat, so I knew they weren't going to make it. What I didn't know was that we would all wind up crying the moment they opened the doors for Dia's walk down the aisle. Seriously....I lost it. I couldn't hold it in because I knew that my best girlfriend was about to embark on a lifetime of joy with one of the greatest guys I have ever met.

EVERYTHING was perfect (well we had a slight hair snafu, but that's unimportant) and I mean everything. The makeup, the hair, the dress, the family, the bridal party, the flowers, the cake the music and even the fuzzy soft slippers you bought for each and every one of us so we didn't have to teeter around on our wedding shoes the whole reception. Dia was perfection, and I am not sure I have ever seen a more beautiful bride. Saturday we were all a family, everyone. Even the boyfriend said that he loved how everyone was so comfortable. You knew that they were there just for Dia and Captain.

So this is for my best friend Dia. I love you, and I am so unbelievably happy for you and Captain and the boys. If you ever need anything, whether its the shirt off my back or the last penny in my pocket, its forever yours to have. I will stand by you, and I will support you and I will always make sure you know that my family is your family. So when you run back your tape of the wedding and you see me crying in my tangerine dress, just know that those are tears of joy, and pride and happiness. Thank you both so much for choosing me to stand up for you, and I will continue to stand up for you and your family forever.

Congratulations Dia & Captain
Love Always,