Sunday, February 25, 2007

1/3rd Life Crisis

I must be having some sort of rebellious episode. If you know me personally you know that I am calmer and more settled than I have ever been in my life these days. I am reasonable, and I don’t usually rush to flip out. These things my friends are new things. New things that the old Avin was not aware existed. Not flipping out is new, compromise is new and not threatening to fight, kill, break bones or burn down things is a HUGE step for me. I have just been calm and it’s been good. It’s something I have gained a lot of pleasure from and I think I have grown leaps and bounds personally.

I say all this to preface my coming statement about rebellion. Folks, I am stifled and I am bored and I want to scream and act a pure fool. I don’t want to wear my hair reasonably, nor do I want to smile and make nice. I want another tattoo, I want to listen to Cypress Hill and La Coka Nostra on 10. I want to watch UFC while putting down a six pack of Miller Lite (bottle please no cans and dont think of offering me a damn glass or a straw) while wearing baggy jeans and timbs. I want my old damn life back and I dont want it to dry up and blow away like its doing. I am mad that I am not louder or faster, or wittier or meaner or just plain more me every damn day that I get a chance. I hate hair dye and concealer and advil after a work out. I want my damn cigarettes back, I don’t want to stop at two drinks and I don’t wanna have to put on moisturizer every damn day of my life. I am turning 31, and I am pissed off. I am becoming my damn mother and it sucks ass. This reasonable reliable Avin that crept in and took over my world is just maddening, and I think I am going on strike.

Maybe it’s a 1/3 life crisis because that would make sense to me. I am at the oldest of my friends but no where near the sanest. Or maybe just maybe I’ve been too reasonable, too sensible, too fucking likable and happy for my own good and I am realizing that perhaps it doesn’t quite fit. It’s like a pair of really cute sensible shoes that cut across the instep and its slowly working on my sanity. So I am on strike against 31, and being a damn sensible doormat. I'll be at the tattoo place if anyone needs me.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Its Hoodtacular!

My good friend The DJ's Wife posted a quote from Jason Whitlock on the foolishness that is All Star Weekend. See if you agree: "All-Star Weekend can no longer remain the Woodstock for parolees, wannabe rap artists and baby's mamas on tax-refund vacations." I agree with her when she says "Because as long as you have celebrities, athletes and anyone else with money in one place, your going to attract two things: groupies and stick-up boys. And they both have the same mission: to get in them pockets."

By the way my extra ghetto god-sister went this year and frankly when I heard I was no where in the vicinity of shocked. This type of "Gangsta Boo Where Them Dollas At" mentality is right up her alley (and our mothers wonder why we arent better friends) so I am with Mr. Whitlock on that tax-refund vacation situation.

It reminds me of the time my cousin (who frankly is no less ghetto) asked me to go down to the beach with her and our sons. I knew it was a weekend in Myrtle Beach, but what I didnt know was that it was Black Bike Week. I spent the week fending off jackasses trying to touch and video tape me, ignoring cat calls and being real pissed off about wearing a bikini. It was the ghetto at its finest with my 8 year old son watching. I know you are thinking, damn she has a fucked up family and you would be correct. Anyway, there are a few places you arent going to catch me, and All Star Weekend is one of them.

Life 2/07

Why were the tickets for Wicked in Baltimore so damn high??
Now I have to wait till July to go to Philly and see it. Not that it’s a huge deal to go to Philly, but I really didn’t want to have to wait. I guess only one phenomenal once in a life time concert/production can be seen per year. I got Mariah last year so I shouldn’t be so damn greedy right? Has anyone seen Wicked? I know a friend in NY saw it a year ago and loved it and I have been dying to go ever since.

Ohh and I finally saw Smokin Aces last weekend. Totally worth the price of admission if you like a good action flick. Everyone knows I love action, but I could really skip gore. I was trying to explain this to the boyfriend and he of course was making it seem like one shouldn’t be any different than the other. For instance, I can watch someone in a knife fight but I cant watch folks get cut up in horror flicks. There is a difference. Then we got into the whole what I can and cant watch like Conan vs. Saw. Seriously I don’t do horror EVER. Its designed to freak you out, its not like actual fighting, its just blood and guts. Anyway by the time we finished the discussion I felt like he still didn’t get it and we had been (in the words of my granny) all around Robin Hood’s barn and nothing was resolved. I am still not going to see any horror movies. He has a better chance of getting me to a damn gospel stage play, making me watch a love story or catching me reading a “sista girl” book. Its not gonna happen.

I talked to a good friend of ours yesterday and as I suspected, she is having issues. My friend caters on the side, and frankly she is one of the best damn cooks I know. She has a signature dessert that she makes that everyone loves, and this summer she made one for my mother. Well my mom’s sister (the soft touch one who sees only the good in all others) and her best girlfriend came over and we happened to have this cake. Now the best girlfriend is to put it mildly a snobby, stuck up rich bitch who thinks the world revolves around her…and yes that’s mild. She started going on and on about the damn cake and basically just annoyed the fuck out of us till we gave her my friend’s number. I mind you was STRONGLY against this. I tried everything I could to keep her from getting the number, but in the end her daily calls were finally too much for my mom and she gave in. I never heard anything about her contacting my friend, so I figured as with most things in her life, she got bored with it and decided it wasn’t worth her precious snob ass time.

Fast forward to last night, and I hear that rich bitch has been acting a plum fool to my friend. Trying to get her to deliver the cakes and getting pissy cause her phone calls weren’t returned immediately. Of course this heffa used my mother and I as a reference, so my friend has been unreasonably accommodating to her. I told her she could put the brakes on that shit. That woman doesn’t have my seal of approval, and if she can’t carry her spoiled ass to my friends house to pick up her shit, then she can tell her to kick rocks. I was pissed but not shocked because that’s rich bitch’s M.O. Just bully folks and harass them till you get what you want…but not over a $30 cake, I mean lest get some damn perspective here. If my friend makes me come get my shit, she is certainly not gonna deliver yours. Once I told her not to do rich bitch any more favors, she was quite pleased and said she wasn’t going to do anything else for her. She really doesn’t need the business, and frankly she doesn’t need the hassle either. Cooking is her passion, but it doesn’t pay the bills, and I am glad she isn’t going to entertain any of that ladies foolishness anymore.

Oh and I spent the morning up at my son’s school trying to convince them that I live where I live. This song and dancing gets my thong in a twist cause you cant just make one damn trip up there, its always 3 or 4 to get shit straight. Anyway they want more shit, so now I gotta go back up there next week. When I left that bitchmade security flunky was in the hallway growling at the late kids. Of course he tried to be nice to me, but once you bark at my kid we are always gonna have beef. Frankly I have beef with a couple people in that camp. I am not too particularly keen on the Guidance bitch who acted like I wasn’t speaking plain English on the phone to her, and I didn’t like her tone during the meeting we had either, and yall already know how I feel about that damn English teacher with his college essays and graduate program projects. I do however like the History teacher but I think that’s only cause he is good looking. Sorry I know focus, but seriously he is not too shabby…I wonder who I could hook him up with?

Friday, February 16, 2007

This Is Why I'm Hot.... The Remix Part Deux

There are a lot of things I have been meaning to blog about, but you know life kinda snuck up on me and hit me with a two by four. Here is the condensed version.

ANS: Please people this is not a 48 hours mystery. She overdosed, she died no need to call Fred, Daphne and the Mystery Machine out of retirement. Give the baby to the grandma, and shut up already. Homegirl was an addict and why anyone is shocked that she died is just crazy.

Snow/Ice Storm: Why is my kid still out of school? Get off your asses and scrape up that ice situation and get people’s power back on. Wednesday happened, can we move on with life or am I going to have to hear the sad sad tale of how the lil kiddies were off another damn day from school?

The Gym: I love my new fancy gym. I love going there, I love my workouts, I love that there is always a treadmill available. I don’t understand some of the people there but that’s not important. What is important is my love for this gym and the Precor Cross trainer. I might go tonight if the old folks bother me.

Extra Child Support: Ex & Fat wife say “Check’s in the mail” yeah right, NEXT!

Makeup: I stumbled upon some extra terrible photos of myself from 2003\sans makeup!!! I was paranoid before but now I am just downright obsessed. I am\nmaking it my life’s mission to never leave the house again without enough\nmakeup on to star in the Broadway Production of Hairspray.

Grammys: Why the hell didn’t Corinne Bailey Rae win anything? I know the exchange with Kanye and Common was staged but I really did need someone to tell him to quit his award show bitchin. Other than that I have no comment.

Formal Event: If the invite says black tie, and its held at the JW Marriott, and the mayor, a local news caster, a former governor and the former mayor of New Orleans show up do not I REPEAT DO NOT show up wearing a Chinese housecoat and no makeup. I MEAN YOU STEP SISTER! Please cut it out with the wick wack snatch back and stop looking like you serve tea over at Silver Palace. Bad enough I gotta talk to your drunk ass husband (crab incident 06 and I aint forgot bitch!) but this is our father’s time to shine and you cant even step up your game? Get it together, learn what black tie means and do not embarrass our dad like that. No wonder “the boyfriend” called you Kung Fu Hustle, NEXT!

Ebony Magazine: Since when does Raven Simone have $400 million dollars?

White Rapper Show/VH1: Damn it why yall get rid of Persia!! She was hella entertaining and starting to grow on me. Now I gotta listen to John Brown’s Halleluiah Hollaback nonsense for at least three more shows, oh and did anyone catch NORE carry the hell out of him and JusTreehugger? Pure Comedy.

ABC TV: LOST please step up your game. Ugly Betty you are doing BIG things. Grey’s please get Meredith’s character a backbone this season already, she is starting to piss me off with the Perils of Pauline act. Men In Trees, can you not have Marin sleep with every damn body in town??

Yep I think that’s all folks, I am sure I will have something else soon, but right now that’s all I can remember to tell yall about. Big ups to Brooklyn….is it obvious how bored I am right now? Have a great weekend!

Friday, February 02, 2007

For All "Intensive" Purposes

Somehow, someway this damn header on my blog has drawn some confused ass know it all questions from people. I guess if you don’t know me personally you might think I really meant "Intensive" but for the most part, people have gotten the joke. Until recently that is.

I got a funky comment about a week ago from an anonymous fool saying "It's Intents and Purposes you idiot". Shit! Thanks Capitan Obvious, I didn’t realize I was so stupid! I mean seriously this is a blog, do you really get hecklers on this thing? Someone seriously explain that shit to me cause I don’t understand. I know some other bloggers who have gotten some rude comments, so its no completely far fetched however I find it crazy to get your thong in a twist over something said on a random blog. Especially something that is a joke.

I don’t know maybe I have underestimated some of my audience and for those folks um...there is an X in the top right-hand corner that will save you from having to view what you may think is a syntax error. For the rest of you folks who I am sure got the joke, be careful out there! The language police is out and what you might think is funny could be just the thing that sets them off. Good Luck

Dressed In All Black...Like the Omen??

My mother fears lots of things but as I recently found out, her most prevailing fear is of the occult. Not so much devils and pitchforks per-se but more like abnormal people especially if they wear black clothing and makeup. I grew up with a school full of kids whose idea of rebelling was playing dress up or wearing too much makeup. It doesn’t phase me and I never think “Oh god look at the lip piercing and fingerless gloves, he’ll kill us all” In other words, fishnet tights and rock music have never been enough to fuck with me mentally.

We actually had a huge swearing and door slamming argument that started because the little neighbor boy has decided to be Goth. He was wandering up the street with his black nail polish and eyeliner and I think she just snapped. She was all in a panic about it and she had attempted to tell me about it no less than three separate times that day. I was hoping not to have to go there with her, but she wouldn’t leave it be.

You could tell that she was just distraught and fucked up behind it. In the back of my mind I knew she was having some sort of mental issue, but I chose to ignore it. Looking back on it now I should have just drawn my face in mock panic when she attempted to tell me how awful and terrible his look was. I should have recoiled in horror when she surmised that he would someday shoot up his school complete with trench coat...but I didn't. It was a stupid move on my part.

I tried unsuccessfully to explain that Goth is just another form of expression for today’s youth. Much like our baggy jeans, ripped jeans, tie dye, and punk rock pink hair. It really isn't the occult its more like dress up. But there is no talking to her about what she thinks is devil based. So this evening while watching the International Ballroom Competition (yes I watch PBS) there was one couple that did a sort of Goth-like tango complete with dreaded black eyeliner. She tried to freak out and almost couldn't watch. She just sat there with her mouth hanging open in disbelief. I couldn’t believe she was having the same reaction she had to the neighbor boy. It’s a dance for gods love.

In fact a Revlon commercial for their new Midnight Swirl lip-gloss which is a black cherry-deep red-almost black that when viewed on the seemingly normal model she made a horrified gasp. She said it looked like her mouth was dripping blood. I guess the whole look is just too much for her but frankly I am just confused by her reaction. Its dress up so what is the damn big deal a little black eyeliner doesn’t make the devil go jumping into a person’s body. She isn’t even all that religious which makes this even stranger.

I have tried to chalk it up to her age group and what their particular comfort level is with things that aren’t completely normal, but seriously its just too much even for me to comprehend or apparently discuss with her. The fact that I may have to spend another hour convincing her that kids like that don’t turn into terrorists or that kids who spend time alone don’t suddenly go Goth is more than I want to have to deal with. I think I am going to start slipping her anti-anxiety medication, because her behavior is just getting out of hand.