Friday, September 04, 2009

Run This Town

So my whirlwind vacation is coming to a close and I am sitting here typing from the freezing cold Las Vegas airport. I'm the only one remotely awake since we opted not to go to sleep the last night of the trip. Probably not the brightest idea but hey sue me. Las Vegas has been a blast, even though it got off to a semi rocky start.

In all the years I've been traveling never have I had my luggage broken, but that's just what happened in this case. My favorite piece of luggage got it's handle busted the fuck up somewhere between DC and NV. Of course I complained but honestly I was just happy and surprised that the bitch made it. My damn tags were missing and it was limping along on it's back like a flipped turtle on the carousel. Sure it hasn't made my life the least bit easy but it's minor in the grand scheme.

Speaking of uneasy, I have determined that Vegas only has two settings. Hell and winter. Everywhere you go you are either cooking or freezing. There is no happy medium. I am going to knock the wind out of the next person that calls this shit a dry heat. You know what else has a dry heat? Your oven on 450. I bet you aren't interested in posting up in that bitch neither so can it with the crap.

Not only that but there is an abundance of extra type ignorance in thus town. No not the obvious ignorance and debauchery that usually occurs in this town but the bumpkin type hayseed-esque, what's a crosswalk, walmart dresses are sexy, look paw there's Negros kind of backwoods fuckery. I'm sitting next to some ignorant bitch and her get-er-done husband right now. I just figure that you should we a little savvy when you travel and perhaps don't wear hunters orange.

Anyway, it's one of thoes trips where you spend too much money and stay out way too late and laugh about it the next day. We sorta got off to a slow start due to our arrival time. We didn't manage to do anything that evening but we more than made up for that.

Honestly this is the first time I've traveled with people who haven't gotten on my last fucking nerve. My girls are the greatest, no bullshit.

So I don't think I had ever been to a club in Vegas before this trip...and this is my 4th trip out here. The club is a really different experiance here. First, you better pick the right one. That's off the break because you could possibly spend a bunch of money in an extra wack club. The club at Tao was one of those buy a table and look pretty clubs where no one talks to each other and no one dances. Sure you are cute but WTF? My assesment of Tao? Great gift shop, awsome completely overpriced food and a tired ass club.

Then there's maybe it's the music, or the heavily poured drinks. Shoot it could even be the layout, but that club cranks. Sure we almost had to beat the breaks off a drunken guy chasing Kenya around the club but that wasn't too bad really. There was honest to god dancing. I acted a straight up fool just like i promised. I am making a Vegas club playlist cause it was that live in there.

We had a ball and if every night could have been that night I'd never leave Vegas. Kenya seemed really surprised at our popularity with the international men. Me? Not so much. I fucks with all types of dudes on the regular, so Asian or Arab men checkin for me is not new. Yeah I know I've said I want to move there before so you aren't shocked. It's probably no where close to that much fun if you live there.

Sure I coulda used one more day of tanning. Of course I could have had a few more Patron Margaritas, no, I didn't get to wear all my new outfits and none of us won a dime on the slots but truly and dearly it was a great trip.

My only regrets so far are minimal. The to do list for the next trip looks like this.

1. Bring more money
2. More sushi, less Asian fusion
3. Don't let US Air handle all or part of your trip.
4. Don't book shit with Frontier Airlines.
5. Wear what you want, you'll still be killin the rest of those fail hoes every day.
6. Start making your intentions with fine men known early lol. I mean you Bronson.
7. Start tanning earlier than noon and being hungover is no excuse.
8. Stay a full week at least.
9. Pick the right clubs.
10. If anyone asks you who's gonna run this town tonight just look at your girls and smile.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Rockstar lifestyle might don’t make it indeed. Lemme tell ya what, I
am so over fail dudes and their delusions of grandeur. Everyone can’t
be rich and famous, and most of these guys aren’t even going to come
close. Fail ass cousin falls into this category and runs with a bunch
of other fail dudes who aspire to be more than they can ever hope to
be. FAC thinks he is a professional basketball player, however he has
no contract, no prospects and certainly no money in his pockets. Okay
that might not be true considering he is always mooching off his poor
little girlfriend.

However, this fool is short on my rent this month to the tune of $150
and he still out popping bottles and buying tables and shit. His
friend who can only be described as some sort of phony dreadlock Rasta
thinks he is going to be the next R&B sensation. I guess he hits the
studio between janitorial jobs down at the local high school. The
other little tragic boy thinks that if he memorizes all the stats for
every player in the NBA and NCAA he will be the next Jim Rome or
SportsCenter correspondent…current occupation? Camp counselor. None of
them ever have a pot to piss in and the window they could throw it out
belongs to someone else 99% of the time. Let them tell it they are on
their way to being celebrities.

FAC actually had the nerve to complain that when he was at a club he
couldn’t afford to be at, and the headlining performer took the stage,
he and his entourage were unceremoniously kicked off the stage. First,
who the fuck are you to think that you should be on stage with a real
performer. He doesn’t know you, or ya mans and them. No one cares if a
substitute teacher, a custodial engineer and a camp counselor are
getting put off the stage. In fact, no one would care if yall got put
out of the Taco Bell. You and your fail ass buddies are nobodies. End
of story.

So its countdown to Vegas for Tres Yellards aka 3xY or if you will,
them yella bitches. We touchdown in sin city on Wednesday and I don’t
think the city will be the same. I plan to act a straight up asshole
and so to 2 & 3. We are going to cram as much fun into our little trip
as possible. Party, party, party. I of course have been on this
hellish diet where I basically eat air and water and pray that my
bikini doesn’t look like a rubber band stretched over a tire. It’s not
been fun. Not to mention I have considerably cut back on drinking. I
actually went 8 days without a drop of liquor and I was doing pretty
good. Then my momma had a party and that all went to shit. Then my
buddy came over last night and we killed two bottles of red while
chomping on pizza. Uggh I gotta go to the damn gym or something cause
I don’t want to undo all the hard work I have done. I managed to
grease myself into a dress I haven’t worn since Dubya’s first term in
office two weeks ago, and I am not about to go back to wearing tents

So I have my eye on this guy who isn’t new but I guess I just realized
that I like him more than I did before. Okay that’s a fat lie,
actually I have always thought he was attractive, I was just otherwise
entangled in some dumb shit with random dude. Now I am single, and I
am bored out of my mind and I think I just made him a target. I don’t
even know if he is interested, I just know I like what I see. I am
sure I will come to some sort of decision soon, but really I am not
too pressed about it. I am just going to see where it leads me.

Other than the normal bullshit, like work and life things have been
pretty cool. The searing hunger seems to be keeping my mind off of
petty bullshit and the lack of available ass. See, diets do work. I am sure I will have some sort of report upon my return, but who really
knows. I say so little here these days and what happens in Vegas is
supposed to stay there. I can dig it, and my guess is you can too.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Bad Habits

So I’ve been missing, yes I know missing in action for what I think is close to 6 months. I’ve been busy, and not the good kind. I’ve mostly been working like a fool and attempting to make it “okay” that 70 hours of my week is spent selling furniture or playing contract apprentice. It’s a lot. I rarely see my kid anymore, not that he is upset about that. He is 16 so truthfully, he isn’t checking for me all that frequently.

Dating….whooooo yeah that’s a nonexistent thing. Sure I could be dating in between jobs or driving all over the state but why give up a few precious hours of sleep just so I can be irritated and or disappointed?? I just keep waiting for something to give or someone decent to stroll into my life. Right now I am just having a hard go of it and trying to make better decisions. I’ve recently made some poor ones and some really smart ones too. I just wish they were all consistently smart. I think I am going in the correct direction though.

Last month I went to my girl Justine’s wedding out in some waterfront town. Gorgeous venue, beautiful ceremony… strange ass wedding though. I took the kid cause I didn’t want to invite the dude that I just fired. Men are always so weird about weddings and I am sure he would have been a total wet blanket. That and the guy who was the best man at my wedding now seems to have the hots for me (15 years later) and could have made the whole scene awkward. Not that it wasn’t already awkward by any means. It was fun but it was strange and though I expect a certain amount of fuckery when dealing with my girl Justine, this just went above and beyond.

First there was my kid having a hypoglycemic attack and kneeling in the grass in his $200 suit trying to get right. Then there was the best man debacle. He doesn’t drink but chose that night to do so. Oh that and he kept touching me. Very weird. There was the odd tribute to my friend that died. The couple who was married, who isn’t married, who are getting married again that showed up. Oh and the random appearance by some girl I just pretended not to know. I can’t even get into all the other hinky things but take my word for it, it was weird.

I lost weight to get into this amazing dress which looked great. I say this after going carb free for two weeks. I am finishing up some McDonald’s right now. I was starving. I will get back to my grind after this week, right now I am just hungry as a beast and I work too many hours to pretend like a salad is going to cut it. I have less than a month before I jet off to Las Vegas with Tres Yellards and I know that all of August will be filled with carb free days nights and weekends as I attempt to whittle my body into the tiniest of outfits. I plan to act a straight asshole.

It’s weird that when I finally take a second to update all I can think about is all the things I want to say but cant. I don’t expect that anyone ever reads this thing again, but I really just don’t know anymore. I feel  like spilling my guts and telling everything that plagues me from the dude I just dropped to the stress with my father to the fact that I think I am starting to have anxiety attacks again, but all those details down on paper don’t really solve shit. They don’t help me to feel any better and they don’t change a damn thing. I still feel heartbroken, I still feel irritated and I am still way too damn busy to get into any of it. All I want out of life right now is one day off from both jobs where I can throw on a pretty sundress and spend it sipping Margarita’s.

What I do want to mention is that Facebook is the devil. I know I said that about 4 years ago in regard to MySpace but let me tell you this FB stuff is much worse. It all seemed like good clean fun at first. See a few folks updates that you haven’t seen since 93. Catch up with people you were buddies with back in the day and such, but then it took a very dire turn. See I realized that the recently fired dude is on FB and his page is unlocked and well you know my penchant for googling folks, so of course I checked out his page. That turned into a tool to match his whereabouts with his lame ass excuses. On the real, FB is what got him canned. If you stand me up and you don’t call me all the next day to qualify your egregious error, and I check your page and all day you’ve been playing Mafia Wars……I know you aren’t dead or in jail. Since those are the only two excuses I accept for a no call no show, then you are instantly fired. Benefits cancelled, no COBRA.

The next incident was when I realized my sorry ex-husband was on FB. I didn’t care at first, but when he started trying to friend everyone I associate with, I started wondering about his motives. Friday he tried to friend E-Money and I know they never had one solitary conversation ever in life. Why so pressed to get in with my people? So I went against my original assertion that I would not post anything remotely personal or retaliatory for a status. I just went on him full tirade style completed by pointing out that friending him was a bitch move.

Then came the blast from the past dude (who I affectionately refer to as Rebel Without a Clue) who showed up chatty as a MF. He perhaps fails harder at life than the guy I just fired and I didn’t even think that was possible. Of course due to his penchant for Evan Williams and his extensive multi-state criminal record he is really into me. You know the jailbirds love me.

Finally, on Friday I had the unadulterated Gaul to look at the new folks who have joined from my class and low and behold there is the one dude I probably have been searching for since 10th grade. Long story very short he was my first boyfriend back in 7th grade. There were make ups and break ups but we never could get it together and trust we never will. I immediately added him as a friend and scanned his page being nosey as hell. Well I learned a few things.

First he is engaged, second he is absolutely gorgeous. We are talking full on amazing looking and now I am hating. Damn it why did I do that??? I feel like I was better off not knowing what happened to him. I am hating so much that I actually changed my profile picture!  I am completely consumed with him and his new fiancĂ©e….well fuck. Hate in my heart blood in my eyes I haven’t seen this dude since 96 and I have the nerve to hate on his situation and mostly cause I want him for myself.

We chatted a bit over messaging, and he seems super happy. HEY!! I know what you’re thinking was nice, I congratulated him on his new life and fiancĂ© and family and wish all good things to come his way. See, I can be nice even if I am hating and consumed with jealousy. That’s what we call personal growth. So for the last three days I’ve been drowning my hate/sorrow/jealousy in Color Me Badd songs and sitting around reminiscing like an asshole. What is my major issue??? I wish them the best…I am still hating. So in conclusion Facebook is the devil and I need to spend less time on there and more time doing something productive.

Saturday, January 03, 2009


The new year is bringing some new changes and I think its high time for a ton of them. I was on the phone last night at an ungodly hour with one of my homegirls discussing all the reasons why lots of random folks will be getting pink slips from our lives this year and I started thinking about out completely liberating getting older has turned out to be.

See it used to be I was so totally consumed with maintaining friendships and not pissing anyone off that I was scared to cut folks loose. I think its that whole youth and popularity thing that has most of us twisted up for a while, but as you age you figure out that you are just too busy to put up with bullshit.

I mean its difficult enough trying to keep in contact with people that you like. Its hard enough to convince your friends that you are still a good friend and that you do care about them when you are bogged down with mortgage payments and business meetings and financial issues. Its not like they don't get it cause they are right there with you, but for most of us its damn near impossible not to feel like a jerk cause you missed their birthday, anniversary, promotion. You aren't a bad friend and a complete asshole cause you cant seem to remember to make a phone call to anyone but your damn office.

As for people you don't want to deal with...why the fuck bother? You have limited time and energy and really do you want to spend another minute justifying this friendship when you could just cut it loose? I vote no. I thing the same is true for anyone in your life who is a brain drain or a colossal time waster. Cut them. I mean you don't have to be mean about it. You could go the route I always go which is to cut them back and then slowly phase them out. Sure you can be honest and bold about that shit in some cases (men) but for the rest of them just let them fade to black.

Speaking of men....I have an announcement to make. This is 2009, and if you have not heard from me since before the ball dropped I have some disappointing news. Your contract was not renewed for the new year, consider yourself laid off effective immediately. Please do not attempt to call me, as you will be sent straight to voicemail. If you repeatedly attempt to harass me by any technological means (text, email, incessant phone call type assaults) I may answer...but you will not like it. So far I have asked two male persons to delete my number from their phones. I have asked another to stop contacting me by email and I have outright igged that sorry manipulative former boyfriend to his face on New Years Day. Y'all know who you are. Contract cancelled, Cheers!

People I mean business. I am swabbing the decks in the 09. I am tired of fooling around with loser ass, fail ass people who have nothing to offer me or the world in general. In fact if you have failed at life in general (legal issues, fidelity issues, transportation issues, employment issues, reality issues, borderline psychotic fascinations with lying, jail, history, sports, politics and other things that not only bore the piss out of me but reveal you to be a loser of epic proportions) then do the world a favor. Climb up something high, like a building. Get up a running start and dive the fuck off of it. You are a waste of space and even though other people wont say it, I will. Kill yourself.

Harsh? Sure it is, but its also the truth. Now if you'll excuse me I have some top shelf Bloody Mary's to make to celebrate my 2009.