Sunday, December 28, 2008

Santa Baby

Christmas has come and gone and basically I am no worse for the wear. Had to tighten the belt a little bit but I was still pretty generous with the Christmas gifts I was able to provide. It all goes back to that rule I have about folks fucking with my Christmas Joy. I wont stand for it.

So right before the holiday I was pulling some pretty evil shifts at work, and while I understand they were necessary, they sho nuff kicked my ass. I mean, in the last year I have seen some of my coworkers age tremendously, and I don't want to fall in with that crowd. I already dye my hair and I am not about to spend what little money I have left over each month on botox or whatever else wont make my face droop. I just have to slow my roll a little bit and ease back on my stress levels.

The first thing I could do to scale back my stress would be to go and punch that fat bitch employee of mine in her throat. That evil sorry bitch tests the limits of my patience every day. She is sneaky, she is insubordinate and more than all that, she is just a lazy fat sow who spends half the day cuddled under the left nut of our bitch made project manager, and the other swinging from our customers balls.

As her direct supervisor (which she would argue) I have written her up, and counseled her several times about how she behaves towards her coworkers. I have even had the Program Manager get her straight, but the fact of the matter is, the tiny bit of work she does is not work that anyone else wants to do, so if the customer doesn't mind her cranking out mediocre shitbag work on the daily until March then fine. I'll fire her ass when the task is over.

The other thing I could do to cut down on my stress levels is go back to working out or doing yoga. All I seem to manage to be able to do is drink mass quantities of red wine. In fact most of the gifts I got this year were wine related. Glasses, decanter, opener, wine bible, actual know good stuff. I recently went to my favorite liquor store to pick up a few bottles and presents for Christmas, but I guess I left with too many, cause they asked was I gonna drink it all myself. I wanted to say "well not all at once!" but I just said know and started thinking that perhaps I am in there too much. Then they proceed to tell me that they are open Christmas Eve and Christmas Day just in case I forgot anything. Ha ha wise guys, very cute. If I need more wine this week I wont come here thank you. Everyone is a damn critic.

So I did buy these tiny bottles of Ciroc Vodka that were on sale and pass them out to my coworkers. Let me tell you what, those dudes were elated! I never seen such joy from a damn little bottle of liquor in my life. I bought 10, put a red bow on them, and passed them out. Big huge hit. Yay me! Perfect gift that says "hey, I just wanted you to know that during this holiday, I care about they type of vodka you consume, Cheers". Not that I think its right to put any more cash in Diddy's pocket, but its whatever.

As for my Christmas, I didn't get anything I wanted from Santa. I didn't get Autotune, Terrance Howard didn't leave the country and from what I gather is still pretending to be a singer. Worst of all, Common was not wrapped in a bow under my tree when I woke up. Now granted I am not always the nicest lady, but I have been pretty fucking good this year. Though I have threatened, I haven't physically assaulted anyone. I let my sorry ass fuck up cousin stay here and thought he is gone now he broke up my shit and stiffed me on half a month's rent. I cut back on the use of the word fuck to a considerable degree, and what few dudes I deal with I have been mostly nice to them.....sort of. Look I am trying. The very least that I could have gotten was Common, come on Santa work with me here!

Speaking of random ass dudes, I have never felt as disappointed in my options as I am right now. Even worse, these options could be on entirely different sides of the socioeconomic spectrum and still be fail ass losers. I don't know how that happens, but maybe I should be checkin for ugly dudes or something. Seems like the better looking they are, the more shit they got with them. Oh and don't even get me started on the married loser who was sniffing around. People never cease to amaze me.

Last but not least I think I finally have the motivation to get some of this extra weight off. For the longest though, I just didn't give a shit. I mean its very difficult to want to lose weight when more dudes are checking for you than when you were thin. That kind of negative/positive reinforcement is very difficult to argue with. Sure I like being thin, but I also like food too. The other morning after working like a fool, cooking most if not all of Christmas dinner for the entire family and getting next to no sleep, I started thinking about New Year's Eve with Tres Yellards and started flipping out. What the hell am I going to wear!!!! Well I finally mustered the nerve to drag out my dresses and guess what??? They fit! All of them.

I don't know why, cause I am pretty damn big and haven't done a damn thing to fix it, so I will just take it and pray that they still work at the end of the damn week. Tres Yellard's are headed to some restaurant to partake in 6 course tasting menu with sake parings. Then we will hightail it back here to Casa Avin to sip wine, eat little desserts and count down to the New Year. No boys, no clubs, no bullshit. I will leave that shit to the young folks. I don't fuck with clubs anymore (cause I think after you get to a certain age you should have better shit to do with your life) and I damn sure don't have any desire to be hold up with one of the loser brigade. Me and my homegirls got this "fun" thing down to a science.

See you in the 09!