Thursday, August 31, 2006

Why I Love Them - An Ode to Project Runway

I haven't made mention of who I am rooting for on Project Runway until now, but that’s because I have been slyly admiring them for the entire season, and I didn’t want my overall opinion of them to color whether or not I felt they were worthy of the title. My choice? Michael

He seems to be the most innovative of all the designers (even though I hated that seersucker cargo pant thingy last night) and he obviously has the skill. I love everything he's designed so far (barring the damn pants) and I really think he has a clear shot at the title. Now, that being said, he has zero personality. Unless you count that "teach Kayne to work the runway" thingy he was doing last night. Other than that he has a few funny quips and a very dry deliberate delivery. Maybe its the Atlanta "I'm southern" thing, who knows. Oh, and his tooth disturbs me, other than that, I think he can win it.

Who I love on the show, but I doubt will win is Laura Bennett. Laura is the funniest person I’ve seen on TV in years. She is so quick with her wit and sarcasm, if you weren’t paying attention (or were just brain dead) you would totally miss it. Here is why I think she is so hilarious.

In reference to the ongoing Jeffery hates Angela's mom squabble:

"it's a one day challenge and we don't have time to dick around with everyone's personal problems".

When picking fabrics at Mood:

"my choice is so tasteful compared to you guys"

On why she never dresses down:

"because with five kids it's a slippery slope into sweatpants and a minivan"

When explaining Angela's style and what specifically she and Michael hoped to get toned down:

"full-tilt boogie Angela extravaganza of puff that she's usually working with"

When the cast discovers that is pregnant with her 6th child:

"I'll just throw it on the pile with the others"

I just love her. There is just very little filter there and I have to respect that. Even when she is being totally serious there is such a snide edge to it. I so appreciate her presence on this show. I hope when I get to be 42 (minus 5 of the 6 kids) I will be half as bold and 3/4's that sarcastic about life. Laura, I salute you!

Would You Be My, Could You Be My..Won't You Be My Neighbor

My stress levels are out of control and I can’t seem to find any peace lately.

If I haven’t said it here before, I am finally moving out of my shitteous apartment (you know the one with the leaky roof/shower, gang activity, radio thieves and the bat) at the end of September. This would be a wonderful thing for me to report, except I am moving back in with my parents after living on my own for the last 10 years. Actually, that isn’t correct, I got divorced about 9 years ago, and for 5 years I lived with my ex-husband in various places that make the apartment I am leaving now look like the Palace of Versailles. Before that I lived with he and his sister, and well if you don’t count the 6 months I had to move back in with my folks between the divorce and moving out on my own, I haven’t lived at home since I was 14. That’s 16 years by my estimation. That’s a long ass time to get used to having your own rules, and privacy.

So, why am I moving back in with my teenage son in tow? Well you are already hip to the apartment scenario, so that's one. B, I am broke and the rental office seems dead set on charging me more money, to live in their slum. Article 7, I am trying to save money and possibly be able to purchase a home next year. Paragraph 14, I am tired of my fucking radio getting stolen, and last but finally not fucking neighbors suck.

The don’t just suck a little either, and its not just this particular group. I have lived in this craptacular hovel for 5 years, and there have been 4 different sets of neighbors next door, each with their own set of issues. The first neighbors were a family of 5. I am pretty fucking sure that is a two bedroom apartment next door, but nevermind. The husband came banging on my door at 7 am on a Sunday morning. If he had known anything about me at all, he would have known that its not appropriate to speak to me before 7 am on ANY day of the week, let alone a Sunday. That right there set him up for failure with whatever he hoped to discuss with me.

Turns out it was my smoking that caused him to wake me the fuck out of a dead sleep. Apparently my smoking was filling his entire apartment with smoke and his children had asthma. I asked him had he spoken to maintenance, because the 3 cigarettes I smoked in the evenings shouldn’t be "filling" his apartment with smoke. Apparently he didn’t like my response. I think he was angling for me to say I would quit. People are hysterical.

Anyway, after not getting me to comply with his implied demand at 7 am on a fucking Sunday morning, he proceeded to tell me how the walls were so thin he could hear all of my conversations. I couldn’t figure out what that was supposed to mean to me either. Sure, I am loud as fuck and most times talking about something completely inappropriate, but hey who doesn’t? Then his wife pops her head out of the door, I guess she was going for the hard sell with the baby in her hands.

I agreed with him that the walls were thin, and that I could hear his baby crying morning, noon and night. I also reiterated that he needed to speak to maintenance and stopped short of telling him to kiss my ass and go eat a dick for waking me up so early. See, I can be nice. I said goodbye and chained three jacks. Sure I didn’t usually smoke that early, but hey I was up. They moved out shortly after that exchange, but I mean come on, there were 5 of yall in a damn 2 bedroom, you needed to go anyway.

The next group was either 2 or 3 guys...I could never tell. They didn’t speak AT ALL or make eye contact. They didn’t cause me any problems but I swear they were setting up a terrorist cell. They had visitors at all hours of the day and night, and I couldn’t be sure, but I don’t think either of them worked. Anyway, they left before their year was up.

Then came the college girls, or just out of college girls. They were young and really excited to have their first place. How do I know that? The walls are thin remember? So they moved in and their respective boyfriends were always there. They started off with me bad because they were just loud and partying till 3 and 4am on work nights. That and they didn’t understand that even if you don’t request solicitation, its still your job to clean it up if it lands on your doorstep. After staring at a pile of leaflets and phonebooks for 3 weeks, I finally tacked a note on their door. It just basically said that there was no maid service in the complex, and even if they didn’t want the shit, its still their shit. Oh and stop kicking that phone book down the hall, no one is coming to take it away for you. They calmed down about 2 months in, and suddenly one of the boyfriends disappeared. Shortly before they moved out, "the boyfriend" (mine not theirs) told me he overheard a fight between the girls and the left over boyfriend about living in sin and all sleeping in the same bed and having sex and what not. I didn’t personally care what they did long as they were quiet, but they were gone earlier this summer.

This brings me to the final set of neighbors a couple from Pennsylvania. And not just any couple, a white couple, in my crap ass neighborhood. Not that there aren’t white couples in my neighborhood, its just not common, and its also not exactly safe. One block up, and one block over you have more single family homes and white people than a few, but where I live, not so much. Something tells me they didn’t get a good feel for the neighborhood before they agreed to the place. First, they blocked me in with the moving truck. Then, the broke the door to the apartments moving shit in. They, like the young girls don’t believe in picking up their own solicitation shit. They also fight every single night. Not just squabble, I am talking full on Fucks and Bitches at 3 am. EVERY NIGHT!

Oh wait I take that back, some nights they don’t fight, some nights they get high and watch horror movies at 2am and then act out every scene. They even get the dog involved in their nonsense. So that’s screaming, cussing, fighting, full volume TV, trash piling up, dog barking bullshit. What do I do to deserve these people??? I mean why is this okay? I already know that the girlfriend hates her job, and doesn’t get off till like 1am, and the boyfriend doesn’t materialize until 10 or 11 pm from his job. I just cant be that invested in your personal business, even if the walls are thin.

I do however appreciate knowing that while you interrupt my sleep at 3 am, I have the esteemed pleasure of introducing you to the world of MTV Jams at 6am every morning…Volume 10, *smile* Seriously…Ask about me. I am not sure how familiar they were with Lil John's Snap Ya Fingers, but I trust that they know most of the words now, as it comes on at least twice in an hour. I can’t guarantee its working, but the less drama they cause me at night, the lower I will keep the volume in the morning. It’s just that simple.

The trick is to just hold on and make it to Sept 30th without kirking out on these people, or launching a full scale Rick Ross assault. I mean, I have waged war against a neighbor or 5 in my day, but I just don’t think I have the energy right now, I still have to pack for shits sake! I just want quiet.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

A-B-C Easy As Cold Fusion

Gosh do I have anything to talk about today? Other than blogger acting crazy?

Oh wait I do have something to post about! My son’s first day back to Middle School.
Oh what a day it was. 8th grade, top of the school and guaranteed a seat (in the back) on the bus. Nothing could stop him now, except his new English teacher and a confusing new schedule, fuck you very much MCPS!

I came home to find my once excited son in a damn panic state. What’s wrong you ask? Well I soon found out from the syllabus. Apparently, on the very first day the English teacher, who I imagine to be a pompous vertically challenged little fuck of a man has assigned a 350 word essay on value systems and how they relate in two ways to a pre-chosen quote. Not bad right? I mean it could be worse he could need sources. What if I told you its due tomorrow? So now, he has the misfortune of exploring how syntax applies to a particular quote he has never heard of, (which by the way was incomplete and very fucking obscure) relates to his own system of values, and how these values are supported by personal experiences that directly relate to the quote, by Thursday morning.

Sure that’s great oh and did I mention why I think he is a pompous fuck? This was his intro to the syllabus:

"knowing how the plot and characters are woven to create a story isn’t enough this year, you will need to understand the intricacies of each layer as well as how the underlying actions of each character and their behavior create and shape the story"

Yeah did I mention this was 8th grade??? What a jackass. There was more about how grammar and syntax would help to shape the scope of their projects and how certain actions were expected and necessary in order to fully complete the course to his satisfaction. There was also some bullshit paragraph about Aretha Franklin and Respect. I assume that was for my benefit as the parent cause no child of 13 could possibly have a good grasp of that song. It was pretentious to even roll that one out. So, I say this with pride. I can’t wait to cuss this fucker out.
There is one every year, and he is it. Some “I shoulda been a college professor” asshat, angry about not being respected and adored in his educational field. Last year it was his asswipe band teacher, who spent most of the time cussing at the kids and calling them stupid. The year before that, it was the smarmy fuck math teacher who told them how he didn’t have an issue failing any of them. Then it was Homegirl science teacher who couldn’t handle the class and decided to make them all call home even though only 3 of them were acting up. How do I know that? She told me, and then proceeded to tell me how the three kids who started it were juvenile delinquents whose parents didn’t care about them and how she knew they would all be in jail before 18.

Way to inspire and encourage! Shape those little minds and make them feel glad to attend school under your tutelage! So before anyone goes there, I am not anti-teacher. I am pro-teacher, I was raised by a teacher, and I have countless teacher friends who are all interested in giving their students the tools they need to succeed in life. I am an involved parent who helps with homework every night, and never misses a Parent Teacher conference. I call teachers and ask “How is he doing” or “what can I do to help” so please don’t pin that on me. It stands to reason that not all teachers are good teachers, and not all kids are doing what they are supposed to, but I will tell you that I am involved enough to know what is and isn’t happening with my kid, in his classes. It In the grand scheme, my son is just an average good kid. Doesn’t cause trouble, doesn’t have issues, always in class trying his hardest, even when he doesn’t understand it and my guess is with this guy it just wont be enough.

My son isn’t a genius, school doesn’t come easy to him, but he always gives it his all, and he tries to get the best grades he knows how, but things like this have proven to be much more damaging to his self esteem than boosting. Its horrible to come home after your first day with a big ass project that you have no idea how to start. Shit even in college they give you a week to get it done. I don’t want my son to hate school, but that’s where this is headed. If you could have seen the look of disappointment on his face last night, it would have broken your heart.

So no, I wont reserve judgment for this guy till the parent teacher conference in October. I just don’t give a fuck what his story is or why he thinks this is appropriate. Call me anything you want, but I am the one who has to go home and look at my child and say “don’t be discouraged”. I am the one who has to tell him that 8th grade isn’t horrible and that he wont get left behind because he doesn’t understand this shit. Sometimes teachers are just assholes and learning how to maneuver around them is the hardest lesson that year.

I wont even get into the rotating class periods by day thing where he goes to periods 1-5 on Monday, 6,7,1,2.3 on Tuesday and starts with 4 on Wednesday. That shit boggles the mind. Who thought that shit up? Shit who could remember that? Anyway, welcome to 8th grade 2006.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Updates!! Get Your Updates!

Yes its Friday, and its time for The Ultimate Fighter 4 recap! Yayyy I know you ladies are so excited. I promise to only do this once a week cause I know you guys don’t care, but the guys…they care trust me, Siteminder says so.

First, I want to tell everyone how much I appreciate you guys thinking about me yesterday. I am dealing with a health condition that could have pretty dire results that I have no control over. I can only pray about it, so I welcome extra prayers and well wishes.

Second, the diet. I clowned Oprah the first time I saw the Bootcamp rules, but seriously there is something to this. This Monday I officially made it 4 weeks without any carbs, starches or refined sugars. This is the toughest thing I have ever done hands down, and I am pleased to report that I am down a full size and a half. My 8’s are tight, but I can get them on. The tens are loose, and I am wearing clothing I haven’t had on in two years. The workouts have been tough to keep up with and I assume if I were working out as much as she suggested I would be in an 8 by now.

Its weird, people in the office are starting to ask me what the hell I am doing to loose all this weight. I am really pleased with the results and even though Oprah suggests slowly adding back some brown rice and wheat flour, I cant seem to bring myself to do it. I’ve been too siced about my pants fitting to care about adding back sugar and flour. So my reward for going a whole month without the “White Stuff” was a cupcake from Cakelove in downtown Silver Spring. $3 that cupcake was, and let me tell you, it tasted like 1 million bucks. I ate that cupcake for 20 min and the paper was clean. I didn’t miss one crumb!

So, themakeupgirl, DiaBrillante, and my girl Tia from my old job all created “No White Stuff” where we can trade stories and struggles and recipes as well as vent about unsupportive family members. They are all two weeks behind me, but just as determined. Everyone is starting to feel a little give in their clothing, and it can only get better from here! My guess is I’ve dumped about 15 lbs. Sure this was harder than quitting smoking after 16 years, but like the saying goes “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels”.

TUF Episode 2

Last night I witnessed probably the bloodiest fight I have EVER seen in life between Gideon Ray and Edwin DeWees. Seriously, I am not a squeamish girl, but I actually turned away a few times. It basically went like this. Gray team gained control after Shonie Carter beat Rich Clementi last week. Dana White (President of the UFC) decided he was keeping the losers in the house, so Clementi gets to stay.

I don’t know what happened between fight night and the next day but blue team Charles McCarthy starts wild’n out about being picked next and starts harassing the gray team about it. When time comes for the pick, Shonie Carter sings “Charles McCarthyyyyyy its not YOUUUUUUU”. Except McCarthy decides to step forward like a nut case. Shonie says again that its NOT YOUUUU, but McCarthy’s crazy ass just stands there looking foolish. Shonie chose 32 year old Gideon Ray to go up against Edwin “Baby Face” DeWees for this weeks fight. Later both teams clown the shit out of McCarthy for acting an ass. He seems embarrassed but it doesn’t stop him from flapping his gums about it. Personally I cant wait to see this fool get his ass whipped. Stop being so eager for your beat down McCarthy.

That day, the blue team decided they were taking a “day off” from training and let me tell you George St. Pierre was not a happy guy. He flat out called them lazy and unwilling to work. (French accent here) “ze ah la-zee, zee vet er ahhns, zeh don’t want to wurrk” Reminds me of my friend Genevieve’s old boss at CafĂ© Normandy “Gene- Vieve! Yu ahh late! Du you want to be fih-herd!!! Seriously though they shoulda put in some sort of training time instead of laying around the octagon looking crazy.

Anyway, both guys have 0-2 records in the UFC despite having fought in countless other fights. Gideon got a bad cut in his first fight and the doc called the fight. Second time, he was basically getting his ass whipped because he underestimated his opponent.

DeWees who is 23 and looks 16 had his first fight against Rich Franklin. He fought his ass off but the ref saw it differently and stopped the fight. Second fight was with Chris Leben and though he started strong, Leben got the submission. Franklin and Leben are two of the most dangerous men in the UFC and basically losing to those two doesn’t really say much. Its not like you lost to some bottom circuit loser, you lost to two of the greatest.

Anyway, fight starts and DeWees is the aggressor, with Ray trying to fend off the attack. First round goes to DeWees. Second round starts and DeWees quickly gets Ray in a half guard. Ray is fending off the onslaught of punches when he throws a razor elbow uppercut to DeWees forehead and splits him. Basically this sets the tone for the rest of the evening. DeWees forehead is pouring blood like a faucet and he is bleeding so bad he is covering the wound with one hand and punching Ray with the other. The entire octagon is covered in blood, and the doctor takes a minute to assess the wound, and he decides that DeWees can continue the fight. Now personally, I woulda just checked the fuck out at that point. His head wasn’t dripping blood, it was pouring on to the canvas like a bottle of syrup. Fuck I just knew the kid was a goner at that point, but round two ended and Dana comes out and says it’s a draw at this point and they are going for round 3.

Kids face is still pouring and now Ray is covered in it. Kids hair is bright red and they are still pummeling the shit out of each other. Round ends with a decision, and low and behold DeWees pulls it out. Un-fuckin-believable! I half expected that kid to pass out, I know he lost more than a pint of blood behind that cut. Anyway, there was little discussion afterwards other than Ray saying that the fight should have been stopped behind that cut. I am inclined to agree, but the kid clearly didn’t let it fuck with him too much.
Anyway next week it looks like Matt Serra is going to have issues with a new trainer they are bringing in. I like Matt, I think he is a good dude, so I probably wont care for this guy either.

Have a great weekend folks!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Good Thoughts and Prayers

I have a really important doctor's appointment today, so any good thoughts you have would be greatly appreciated.


Wednesday, August 23, 2006

So Much for Double Duty

Ehhh so I am lazy or busy, something. I dont know but trying to post both Rescue Me's recap (which wasnt the season finale btw) and that MAC review was just too much for lil old me.
I am ambitious and all, but frankly between work and trying to keep certian folks from driving me nuts (i.e. Porkrind) I cant get shit done. I even screwed up a project cause she kept interrupting my ass. WTF go back to eating and playing on your IM. Leave me the fuck alone already.

So, the MAC event was fun, but I wish I had invited Ashburnite. I was in VA and I dont know a soul except themakeupgirl who would have wanted to attend out there. I was basically doing this on my own, and you know its always helpful to have someone come with you who will basically tell you if they got you painted up like a french whore. I get the distinct feeling she would let me know.

Stoli sponsored the event and its always nice to get free drinks, even if the waiters are all up in your personal space. There was a lemon one and a pomegrante one, but of course I didnt drink the lemon. The drinks were good but the Hors d'Vours were scary. Who pairs beans and ham on a cracker anyway?? Downgrade.

So, I didnt get into the drama that was occuring up and through that lil MAC store, or them ghetto bitches that wouldnt get the fuck outta my way so I could get to the damn displays. Big Bitch MOVE! Stop crowding the damn hallway already. You know that the MAC store aint bigger than a minute, and you and your homegirls are all in my way. Take your damn fruity drink, and your loud talk, and Keshia and Nay-Nay and move the hell on. Yall aint buying shit, yall just causing an issue and asking stupid questions.

Sometimes I hate the MAC store, cause its a damn free for all. Folks jockeying for position, and acting like they are the only ones in the store. Its small, its cramped and everyone wants an artist's attention. Dont even get me started on some of the artists. Its like they purposfully hire the most "thats so last season, I am so over it" bored children on the planet. They are too goth, too cool, too punk rock, A-town Stomp prettier than you are. Jesus, can I just get someone to help me round up the 50-11 products I am going to need?

I make it a practice never to jockey for position. Just wander and wait to see which one of the children will ask if I need anything. Its usually the nicest one of the crew that asks cause I go in understated. Seriously I dont dress up for the MAC counter. What the fuck for? I might wanna try some shit on, and my BBQ liner and Double Shot Lipstick with Blacktrack Dipdown and C6 foundation might fuck with the look the new shit is going to give me. I mean I am not going in there looking like vagrant, but fuck its the MAC counter lets get this shit into perspective.

I think thats half the reason I am not approached quickly in there. I dont need to look like Beyonce when I shop. I am not going to a red carpet even, its the damn mall. Anyway, whomever is lucky enough (smart enough) to ask if I need anything usually just scored because I NEVER leave without at least $100 in MAC. Then the lil bored and saltys want to be upset because Andrea just sold me the entire new line, and Tee Tee only wanted a lipgloss.

Rule number one, never assume someone doesnt have money. Its a mistake of the highest order. My mother NEVER dresses up either, its not her style, but dont let the smooth taste fool you, if she wants she will really march into Niemans and buy herself a new David Yurman ring on a whim. Regular ass day, momma plunks down 2k for a ring she thinks is "pretty".

Ive seen bitch ass sales women leave the counter when she walks up, thinking "this N cant afford this" and I just laugh. If old saleslady girl was checking, she woulda seen the 10k diamond my mom was rocking, or the uncut emerald she had custom made. Got herself all thrown off by the Target capris and Chico's top and lost a big sale. Oh well.

So for the most part the night was great and I didnt wind up having to fight Keisha or Nay-Nay which was good cause I didnt have on the proper footwear for all that.

Catch yall tomorrow, maybe I will have a little more inititave and tell yall about my fantastic weight loss!

Monday, August 21, 2006

MAC Cosmetics Correspondant for Themakeupgirl

This Wednesday you guys can find me over at themakeupgirl as a guest blogger on my best friends blog. I promised her I would give an in-depth review of the new MAC fall line after I attend their exclusive event Tuesday night. I also promised I would keep it clean which I will, but I can't promise I won't be sarcastic. That's just asking too much.

However, as MAC's most devoted Stan, you can count on a good review. I will probably be ambitious and do double duty by posting the season finale recap of Rescue Me. I am just driven like that I guess. Work however might take a back seat cause, well you know I gotta prioritize! So remember, Avin, themakeupgirl, dusted off halo, best behavior, just MAC no cussing...promise.

Besame Cosmetics

A few weeks ago I got an email invitation from Besame Cosmetics to try out some of their products. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge fan of new beautiful cosmetics, but Besame isn't just another pretty face on the cosmetics block.

Gabriela Hernandez has created a fabulous line of cosmetics that are sure to become a big seller. First, let me tell you that Ms. Hernandez has the best marketing I have ever seen in cosmetics. The box came filled with beautiful packaging. The red and gold bag held the most elegant box containing a sample of their "warm" collection. A slim golden cylinder beautifully decorated with the same signature flowers was the first thing I spied. The very 1930's packaging was a treat for the eyes, but the chocolate kiss, a deep red-brown shade, lipstick sold me immediately. Its designed so that you can use it as a lip liner and lipstick.

I used the contoured tip to line, and applied the lipstick with the flat surface. I have to say I felt very "Old Hollywood" applying it. The formula is rich and creamy without being heavy. A little goes a long way and it stayed with me most of my work day even after my banana! I then moved on to the translucent powder which is sheer enough for everyday and not at all cakey. It also comes in a very retro powder box with its own cute puff.

In addition there was a little blush compact in sun kissed that looked just like an engraved pill box. Its surprise was the hidden mirror in the lid and its satiny finish.

Needless to say I have been using them all week and I can't wait so see what else they offer. The website offers trial sizes for a reduced amount so you can grab plenty of goodies. I highly recommend these products and trust me you will not be disappointed. I am on the quest for their lip glaze to give my chocolate kiss lipstick that movie star glamour. So what are you waiting for?? Get some already!!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

So last night the King of West Coast Swing's little boy won SYTYCD.

Good for you Benji, I figured you would win. You were just a touch more popular than Travis who I understand has some very fem pictures floating about the internet these days. I wont even attempt to recap that 2 hour debacle of lights sounds and Shane "I pity the fool" Sparks with his mini fro-hawk. This cat is unbelievable!

Ciara did a fine job on her performance but she needs to let go of whichever stylist put that extra bag of Yaki #22, 18 inch bone straight in her head. She looked like a sheep dog. I just knew she was gonna come flying off that stage blind as hell. Thank god someone turned on the wind machine near the end of the performance, but damn like Coco Channel said about accesories, do that with your hair and just leave out a bag.

Fergie performed and did "London Bridge" which is my new guilty pleasure I am sad to report. I love the song, but I am so vexed by her damn walking shorts. They are hideous and worse they do nothing to accentuate that pancake she keeps referring to as a hump. I also have trouble buying her youthful act since she is damn near 40 and got more plastic surgery than Vivica. Song still cranks though.

Speaking of songs...Timberlake
Sorry folks, I know yall are gonna get out your pitchforks on me, but seriously I adore "Sexy Back". I forgive him for tossing Janet under the bus after "Tittygate". I mean I cant even say that Janet didnt give him a pass on that. None of the black producers stopped working with him, and he was just singing something last year on Charlie will you go get your wheelchair and sit still Wilson's CD. No one seems all that pissed with JT. I for one dont care about it. That was a plan that THEY cooked up. When shit backfires you cant cry about who got blamed more, especially when yall knew a titty was involved.

I have a Rescue Me Update but I am never sure anyone is really listening. Since there is one one more show I guess I will post it. Scroll past if you dont care.

Tommy comes home to find that Lou brought home a nun who is leaving the order in two weeks. Tommy doesn’t really seem to give a damn that she is leaving the order, only that Lou is fuckin a nun in his house, which he considers a one way trip to hell (not that he wasn’t going anyway).

Chief has the Ms. Cleo the Jamaican lady over to the house and she is making some serious mention of the two of them getting naked. Chief is no where near ready for that and sends her home but later goes to Tommy for a lil extra "help".

Sean and Maggie have been beefing about the whole "church wedding" bit and Sean finally convinces her to go to the priest and see about getting a real wedding. Well, you know from the jump Maggie is going to act a fool. She first tries lighting up in the rectory, and then she starts telling the priest off, who actually says that an exorcism that he performed once was more pleasant. They leave not speaking.

After trying to burn the damn house down, Tommy's dad runs away from home and winds up drunk at the grave of Tommy's mother. Tommy and Lou spend most of the day searching pubs for him and then realize where he has gone.

Franco finally sat down with his girlfriends supposedly retarded brother, and figured out that the fool really ain't retarded at all. Turns out he just likes being able to scream out nicca every five minutes and he doesn’t want guys taking advantage of his sister. So Franco asked his permission to date the sister, and after seeing that neither of them is as stupid as they look they worked it out.

Sheila shows up at the fire house to talk to Tommy about buying a beach house together. This bitch is loco on an extra level, but I knew that when she slipped Tommy the roofies and pretended like he got drunk just to screw him. BTW I think she is going to end up pregnant too. Last I see Sheila she is going to go talk to a real estate agent about buying the beach house.

Lou suggested that they move his uncle and Tommy’s dad in together since they both seem to be out of control lately. Lou is still thinking about moving and going on the boat. Johnny (Tommy's brother) was trying to convince Janet to name their (or whoever's baby) Namith Gavin in honor of Joe Namith. Janet was less than thrilled.

Chief finally got around to screwing the Jamaican woman with a lil help from the happy blue pill courtesy of Tommy ( I think Sheila brought it from that stash she confiscated from Damien) however midway into the second course, he started having chest pains, and old girl rolled out on him cause she is an illegal and doesn’t want anyone to know she was there. Chief of course flops face down on the floor, no ambulance no nothing.
Meanwhile Johnny is on a stakeout talking shit with his partner about whether or not Madonna or Cher has the better ass, (like either one of them dried up white women are a candidate for anything that has best or ass in the title) and he gets gunned down by a faceless suspect. Now he is face up on the ground.


What in tarnation was going on last night??? Did they really put my girl off the show in favor of Vincent? Lemme tell you, "it was the nightmare of my life" for them to pick that piece of garbage roll over what just happened to be an ill fitting cute dress. Its not her fault her model got body. I mean damn. Poor Poor sweet Alison, we will miss you. I hope Laura bites Vincent's head off in his weasley little sleep, even though she had chicken cutlet titty peeping out of her dress. Oh and I like Michael, but that look did nothing for me. That was some old Fashion Plates/Paper Dolls BS he came up with. So I totally get why Jeffery was mad. Laura shoulda been mad too. Her dress was on point. We will just see what Tim Gunn has to say about all this chicanary next week.

What In The Rear Naked Choke Is Going On???

Wow, talk about UFC news. Pink is the New Blog has a picture of none other than our dear Tito Ortiz and Jenna "I was married now I am dating Dave Navarro or am I?" Jamieson from her MySpace page.

"Pink reader Becky sends in this photo of Jenna Jameson lookin' pretty chummy with Ultimate Fighting Champ Tito Ortiz that was briefly posted to Jenna's My Space profile:"

Kind of interesting, I mean dont you have to be int he dark for that type of green "Paris Hilton-esque" exposure to happen? I wonder if they were lying down.

Honestly I cant be mad at either of them. Jenna is a very rich woman and I damn sure wouldnt turn Tito away on a cold night. So who the hell is Dave Navarro seeing???

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

One Last Shot At The Title? How Siced Am I???

So after waiting all damn summer for the new season of The Ultimate Fighter to return, it is finally here!

I am more than excited at the prospect of watching a new Forrest Griffen, Kenny Florian, Keith Jardine, Ed Herman or Mike Bisping. But really? I would be ecstatic if there were another Kendall Grove type. I love me some Kendall Grove.

The sexiest 6'5 Hawaiian I have EVER laid eyes on (he's also the only 6'5 Hawaiian Ive ever seen so that helps) oh and did I mention he kicks ass like no body's business? Last season Kendall demolished every contender that came his way. He even beat Ed Herman who still got a contract. The Herman kid is a brawler and not called "short fuse" for no reason but I dont typically have love for redheads. Back to Kendall, who is now living and training at Big Bear with Tito Ortiz. He is just as good as it gets in my opinion.

Note the tattoos fellas, they arent your garden variety bullshit either. These are damn good creative well thought about tatoos damn it. Not a Laugh Now Cry Later to be found on this man, no siree! Just thinking about him makes me sweat...nevermind let me get back to business.

These guys here are the future big swinging dicks of the UFC or the future embarrassments. Need I remind anyone of Rory's pitiful ass exit last season where his girlfriend called him home? Come on dog! This is the UFC for god sakes. You can get your ass kicked around the octogon for 3 min and never shed a tear but your girl calls and suddenly you bitch up and go home?

In any event I will be giving the new T.U.F 4 season episode recaps, much to the dismay of many of my girls who come here looking for either cosmetics tips or rants. I love yall, I promise, and I will continue to keep up with Project Runway and any and all wonderful cosmetics I come across in additon to the regular rant but ladies, UFC is near and dear to my heart. Besides, what other time can you openly drool over other men with your man in the room???

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Not So Beautiful

I am going to apologize up front for how angry this is going to sound, but make no mistake I am angry. This needs to be addressed and I don’t know if I am the right one to lead the charge, but

This month’s Essence magazine came in the mail and I finally sat down last night to thumb through it. So on the cover I see this:

*sidebar* Beyonce looks great of course

So, I already KNOW what they are getting ready to talk about. I don’t know where I heard it or how many years ago, but I’ve known for quite some time about this supposed secret sex destination for black men. They are talking about none other than Rio De Janiero.

Maybe it was all the videos with the black men in Rio, or maybe it was the ex-boyfriend of mine who seemed so amped to gather his closest friends and go 4 or 5 years ago, but I already knew the deal with Rio. If you don’t know, basically this is the head gasser capital of the free world. Any black man who is willing to spend the money can screw as many Brazilian women as he chooses in any quantity or fashion. They are traveling in droves to Rio in order to get their rocks off for a few hundred bucks. These guys are telling any dude who will listen too.

Apparently, it was always a popular destination for black men, but not until Snoop’s “Beautiful” video did tourism skyrocket. One guy in the article was discussing how all his boys go every year and how great and fantastic it is. The women are cheap, and there are plenty of them and they just love black American men. Since prostitution isn’t illegal down there, its pretty much a free for all. Does anyone see me warming up to a tirade yet? No? Well its coming…give it time.

The main reason given for these guys loving Rio so much is because the women basically cater to their every whim and need. These girls pamper and baby them, and give in to their every desire be it sexual or domestic. Cooking, massaging, two women, four women, you know basically anything goes and what man wouldn’t just love that. One guy said that he went for the purpose of getting everything his girl at home wont provide. “They let you be the man” he said. Another said that he enjoyed being able to sit in a bar surrounded by beautiful women who were willing to do whatever whenever for him, and he couldn’t do that in the states. One other man said that he went down for his bachelor party and had to rethink getting married. Ya'll ready? Good.

This is the sickest, the saddest and the most ridiculous shit I have ever in my whole life been witness to. The men that go to Rio are sad little children who need to have their hands held and be coddled. Words can not begin to convey how sickened I am by the notion that these men are doing this. I was having trouble even finishing my damn dinner, and I was so immediatly angry that I started to sweat. ANY MAN so obsessed with getting “special” treatment from some dirty Brazilian hookers is unsure of his manhood. PERIOD. If you need a bunch of foreign women to tell you how great and how amazing you are, then you really need to get your head examined. That is by far the most blatant form of low self esteem and frankly it makes me want to vomit.

Not that I dont appreciate Essence shedding light on the subject, but where is the fucking line between informing and advertising??? It was like they were selling time share points! All these personal accounts from tired ass men. From bus drivers to CEO's and travel agents. It was just appauling. WTF is Essence doing? These men cant handle having a women back home who would be strong or independent or have her own brain, so they go somewhere and they pay money to fuck women who are basically living in poverty and the only way for them to feed themselves and their families is to sell their bodies and pretend they like these men. They like your money, they do not like you. You are stupid and unreasonable if you believe that these women would ever want you for real if you didn’t either have money or a ticket out of Brazil.

I hate guys like this. They are the same dudes driving around town in BMW’s living in apartments or with their parents. Their priorities are all fucked up. I will get on the “why I’ll never date a guy driving a beamer” speech another time, but this needs to be addressed. How many of these guys going to fuck prostitutes are using condoms? How many of these low self esteem-Mike Jones motherfuckers are the prime reason we have issues in the black community. They say they don’t want women to be golddiggers, yet they compete with each other using BMW’s and Jewelry as a means to attract.

They say they don’t want a woman who is so independent that she won’t cater to them, but I don’t see any of them assholes offering to let their women be housewives. They love that money you make, but you need to be subservient not make more than they do. They want a woman who is sexual, but not too sexual then she is just a whore. Or not too little, cause then they can just find someone who will do what you wont. This black woman vs. black man shit is a product of their own doing. They use and abuse here at home and then do the same thing in Rio and call it a vacation.

You cant run around fucking women and dropping babies all over town and then want to marry a wholesome virgin. You cant want a big house and car and all sorts of shit but not be willing to either work for it or let your wife make more than you do. You absolutely cant expect a woman to work all day, come home and treat you like the damn children and fuck at your request and you ain't done shit but breathe! It doesn’t work that way, and my suggestion to any black American man, who feels like his lot in life is so terrible with his black American woman, then PLEASE by all means take your sorry, low self esteem having ass down to Brazil and move in with one of the hookers. The sooner we get rid of you dick measurers the better. You basically shit on everything that is the black family. You spit on the tireless hard work and support that the black woman has provided you since slavery all because we wont kiss your feet every five minutes. So please, for the love of god do us all a favor and get your ass to Brazil and don’t ever come back.

And for the record, any man of mine who even suggested that he alone, or with Craig and them, go to Rio is a fucking goner. There wont be any explanation, there wont be any tears or pleading. There will be him and his suitcase saying goodbye for good, and he best be moving there because I am just the type of bitch to set fire to all your shit once you go. I am as serious as cancer about that too, that’s the most disrespectful shit I’ve ever heard of next to fucking some bitch in my bed. As much as I truly and dearly with all my heart love my man and have searched for him for the last 9 years, one hint that he wants to go to Rio will have him single as fuck and his shit all out on the curb, trust and believe. I’ll never look back either, because it confirms that he is not the one for me. It confirms that he needs his ego stroked, and it confirms that he doesn’t give a fuck about himself as a man, let alone me as a woman.
WHEEEEWWWW that was rough huh? Well sometimes its like that.

So keep going to Rio folks, maybe someone will find you alluring and special there, because its obvious you just cant cut as a man here and yeah…I said it.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Virginia is for Hustlers...At least thats what The Clipse says

I am off to Virginia Beach with my son and his cousin this weekend. Mom is coming too, but she is only going down to ditch me for her best friend Pat. I guess it could be worse, I could be stuck riding without her in a car with two 13 year olds yacking about what a great singer/dancer that Chris Brown boy is and which of them is going to beat the other at some random Playstation game.

I promised that I would take them down before school started back up. So far all I have worked out is that we are going to the beach one day and Busch Gardens the next. I think that’s enough for a pair of teenage boys. I'll be back Monday, hopefully tanner and probably significantly lighter in the pockets. Thirteen year olds eat like someone is about to snatch it from them.

Enjoy your weekends! I am sure I'll have some nonsense to report about when I get back.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Time Flies When You Don't Moisturize!

Its funny how you look up and realize you aren’t a kid anymore. I know I am no longer the youngest or the thinnest girl in the room, but at least I can still be cute and young looking. I have always been devoted to moisturizer, even as a kid. I used to use the regular pink Oil of Olay at like 12 and 13 just because I saw my mom use it so much. I don’t think it had any SPF back then, and frankly my use of it was just pointless but it started a very good habit.

These days I only use Cetaphil moisturizer. It’s the only one that doesn’t break me out, and my skin is soft and oil free all day. Its SPF 15, so I don’t have to worry so much about sun damage. I am religious about my moisture and every day that I think I might forget, one look in the mirror tells me I won’t have another “today” to moisturize and prevent wrinkles or damage. Once you walk out that door, its one day down that you could have done something, and god knows I don’t want that to bite me in the ass 10 years later. I dont want to wake up looking like the Crypt Keeper and neither do you, so get thee to a bottle of something that will keep you looking like Joy Bryant, and not Bryant Gumble.

Monday, August 07, 2006

The Bat Part II

So I spent the better part of my weekend being scared shitless of a flying rat. This winged intruder seems to have either gone back from whence he came, or has taken up residence SOME where in my fucking room. Either way, I aint even thinking about sleeping in there until I am sure that fucker is gone. I can’t even get my OCD to slow down thinking about the bat germs this motherfucker is spreading all over my damn bedroom. I am going to be boiling and bleaching shit for weeks behind this. Let me just get yall up to speed.

So when I left yall, I was cowering on my damn sofa like an asshole trying to figure out what I did to deserve living in the worst apartment complex in all of Maryland. I obviously was mistaken when I said that nothing could be worse than the roof leak that poured water into my house like Dunn’s River Falls for months on end, and the mold that is now growing unabated against my back patio door. I was clearly confused when I said that maintenance could not have provided a slower more apathetic response to any concern great or small. I my friends, stand before you, corrected.

I waited for the damn rental office to open on Saturday morning at 10 am before I stormed down there crazed with insomnia and anger about the damn bat situation. I of course had to talk to the little sissy-ass tenant relations manager. The same pansy ass bitch that came into my apartment unannounced 2 weeks after my roof basically collapsed and then wrote me a letter saying the condition of my apartment was unsanitary. Well you ass, no shit! Could it be the 3 gaping skylights being created by mother nature, or the black mold growing everywhere??? Don’t fuck with me asshole, I will wait for you with a baseball bat. So this time I was just waiting on him to say something bitchy that would cause my crazed state to shift into overdrive and smash his face in. Didn’t happen…but I wish it had.

This fool calls Animal Control and says that he will send the exterminators out to “handle it”. When? I don’t know, but he assures me that the Animal Control folks will be out today. So I go back to the same bat infested apartment I had trouble even staying in that night, to wait for the cavalry. The cavalry did come…at 2:30pm and in the form of a very butch looking woman who showed up with a flashlight and a work glove. Yeah she seems professional. So she tells me all about how there are just SO many places for that lil disease ridden fucker to hide in my damn bedroom. How he probably has a nest behind the wall and such, and how they have been out to this complex numerous times for bats. What.In.The.Fuck I say! Then she goes on to further horrify me with a story about a woman whose vents were filled with babies. BABIES people. Why I didn’t faint on the spot still eludes me.

So, this bitch tells me she cant find it, and its probably chilling somewhere and will come back out tonight if I (I shit you not) open the window at dusk and let some bugs in. Then, close it back and wait till the bat comes out to eat them. Then call them back to get it. I wonder if she could tell I was giving her the “is this bitch crazy” look. Then the bitch left. I just stood there, looking deranged wondering how the fuck that was going to happen. So I rolled the hell out and went to my folks house. Waiting for animal control is one thing, but staying willingly in a house with a damn bat trapped in my bedroom is quite another. I just couldn’t do that. So I stayed over the boyfriends house the last two nights, and he was brave enough to go in there and try to scare the damn thing out, but to no avail. I don’t know, I am just not real keen about going back in there. I mean all my shit is in there, but fuck it. I cant do it. What if the lil bastard has rabies? I mean we all know I don’t like getting my blood drawn, I cant see having all them damn shots cause I was too stupid to keep my black ass out of a known bat-habitat. So I don’t know what I do now, but I’ll keep you posted.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

The Bat

Words can not even begin to express how furious, and traumatized I am at this moment. There is a motherfucking bat in my bedroom. Its 3:30 and I wake up to scratching noises, which I couldnt place, and couldnt make sense of. I got up, pissed that my sleep was broken, and headed for the bathroom. I decided at that point there was nothing better than watching an old DVD for a little while to put me back to sleep. I grabbed my copy of Crash, and headed back to the room.

Scratching is still happening, and now I am thinking "is that a damn mouse?" "do mice come to 3rd floor apartment bedrooms?" and thats when it happened. This brown "thing" shimmys its way out of a crack between the beams in my ceiling and starts flying around the room!!! Of course now I am screaming and under the covers trying to figure out why there is a motherfucking BAT in my damn room. Horror movies are right, there really is no one to hear your screams in the middle of the night. I think after about 5 min, the bat calmed down and found a place to perch. I decided that if the damn bat got into the rest of the apartment, my life was going to be over. I'm no punk damn it! No bat is gonna have me hold up under my comforter afraid to move! I mean I aint THAT scared but I also dont make chasing down rodents, insects or other annoyances a habit either. Someone else is cut out for that job, and his or her name aint Avin.

So, I talked myself up when I was sure he was sitting still, and bolted from the room faster than I have moved in years. I was even coherant enough to hit the off button on the TV. Then I remembered "my cell phone is in there" FUCK! I managed to peek in, grab it and roll out again, making sure the door was tightly fastened behind me. NOW WHAT???? Suddenly I am wishing I hadnt advocated so staunchly for keeping my room "however the fuck I like" cause someone chasing that bat is going to get a real eyefull of ungoodness. Fuck I am stubborn!

Is it not bad enough I live in this shit hole apartment, but now I am forced to contend with a flying rat? Are they fucking kidding me? Well I have moved from terror to just being plain old blown. How long do I have till sun up? Is this considered a maintainance emergency? How do I make sure that no other bats come waltzing up into my house at all hours of the night? I just cant even work my mind around this. Someone pray for me.

I woke the boyfriend up by phone (about 15 calls) and asked what the fuck to do. He says and I quote "You can either shoo it out with a broom, or spray it with a water gun." Excuse me??? Is he fucking insane? Me, I am going to chase down a damn bat, in my wifebeater tank and sleep pants? ME? Right, yeah okay what other options do you have cause I dont have me doing neither of those. The other choice...go sleep out on the couch, which I would do, if I werent so damn consumed with the fact that there is a damn BAT in my room!

Call me crazy, but sleeping after that incident is going to be a little less than easy. Uggh so now I am cleaning. I mean, I was going to do it later anyway, why not get started since I am awake and pissed off. I have plenty laundry to do, and some general straightening of the kitchen and living room. Why not be productive when a fucking bat chases you out of your own damn room at 3am? The room you pay an outrageous amount of rent for at that! Fuck it, there are no words. I will keep yall posted.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Avin's Got A Brand New (Cosmetics) Bag

Speaking of Body and Image, I have to tell everyone about some of my new favorite cosmetics. Some of these things are expensive though, but most are just easy breezy standards that I live by.

Frederic Fekkai Technician Conditioner

I only bought this stuff because I found a tiny little sample bottle floating around the Sephora right before my trip to Jamaica. Between the sun and the sand and the salt water, my hair was saved thanks to little pea sized dollops of this wonderful conditioner. The little bottle was $8.00 and the 8 oz bottle is $19.50. Needless to say I guard it with my life. Something is screwy with blogger today so just go to Sephora to pick it up.

Salerm 21

When I started going to my Dominican salon in Silver Spring, this was the first thing I noticed them putting on EVERYONES hair. I didn’t really think much of it until my hair started growing like crazy. Now I cant leave Ana’s shop without a bottle in hand. I think you can buy it online, but it is a Dominican made product so you might have to search.
I get mine for $10, but I am not sure what it costs online.

Sebastian Laminates Gel

Tried and true I have trusted this lightweight glossy gel to perk up any hairstyle curly or straight, wet or dry. I forgot how much I loved it until I spied a bottle in my beauty closet a few months ago. Its sort of greasy feeling in your hand, but dries beautifully soft and not sticky. You can get it for about $10-$15 at CVS or any drugstore.

Ojon Treatment

I was watching QVC about two years ago when this came on the TV. The spokesmodel had the most beautiful hair I had ever seen, and I was really taken with the idea of this natural palm nut oil replacing all the other gunky ones I had tried. Needless to say I love it, my mother loves it, themakeupgirl loves it and my son who has had the worse dry scalp issues is a devoted user of the shampoo, conditioner and treatment year round. Oh don’t get it on your face if you are prone to breakouts. The oil is very strong. The 5 oz is $55 but well worth every penny.

MAC Tinted Lip Conditioner in Beige

This stuff is a MUST HAVE. I actually heard about it a long time before they started selling it. I think someone jumped the gun in either Essence or Lucky, because they started talking about it, and I was immediately on the hunt. I ran to my MAC store only to be told that they didn’t know what I was talking about. I was heartbroken but not deterred, so I just scouted the store until it arrived MONTHS later. I use it every day instead of lipstick during the summer. Soft and pretty and great with a liner pencil in Cork or Stripdown, and a quick swipe of lusterglass in Beaux or Spring Bean.

MAC Bronzer in Golden

This isn’t new stuff, but the pretty turquoise packaging is. I always get this in golden and use it during the summer in place of blush or tint. It’s a little sparkle, and a little sunkissed golden brown. Just the right thing to highlight those sunpoints.

Egyptian Magic

Now, this stuff is a godsend. Well a makeupgirl send really. I burned myself back in April with the curling iron, and was in absolute agony. However, I was way more upset about having a big nasty scar. I was crying to my sis makeupgirl when she started telling me about this cream that does EVERYTHING. I was skeptical, but I went out on lunch to Whole Foods and tracked it down anyway. A week later there was no scar, and the scab I did get came right off. Its list of uses is unreal, but for me it has replaced my lotion, and any burns or cuts are quickly swiped with it. $25 but totally worth it for how many uses it has. I know the packaging is perquacky and super bootleg, but really dont let that put you off.

IS Clinical Active Serum

This is the holy grail of all acne meds. I have had acne all my life, and never has a product done what it purported to do. I was duped into buying this by my ultra expensive dermatologist and almost choked when I realized that I had paid so much for it. If you are red, puffy, blotchy, or irritated in anyway, this will take it away. Redness is immediate, but blemishes usually take 24 hours. I use it so carefully and so slowly because its so much money. The boyfriend came over one day and had a zit that wouldn’t go away. I took one drop and pressed it to the bump that afternoon. The next morning it was gone, and he was trying to steal my bottle! I make him buy his own now, turns out its great for stopping razor bumps too! $110 -$120 online and in your overpriced dermatologist.

Enjoy and have a great weekend!

Body & Image

I apologize in advance folks, this one is going to be a doozy.

I was up at ass crack o'clock this morning, willing myself on to a treadmill. Feeling slow, but still really excited to get my workout. I was even more excited that no one was in the fitness room (despite the strange cat pee smell in there) and I could put the TV on anything I wanted. I chose VH1's Jump Start, a block of morning videos that are all sort of up beat and current. I prefer to listen to anything dirty south, Lil John, or Rick Ross-like on my ipod while I work out because it gets me moving, but I can watch a video or two while I run. Let me tell you, between Nelly Furtado, Beyonce, and Janet I was really feeling like a million bucks. Imagining my body shrinking with every step. 45 min later I emerged and headed back home, thinking "I am going to be the fiercest 30 year old in Maryland". I came in and cut the videos back on, just in time for them to start playing "Buttons" by the Pussycat Dolls. My whole fucking attitude changed in one instant, and I will get to why in a second.

First off, anything that can take me from feeling great to feeling like shit cant be good. I have been in an out and out fight with what my body should look like since I was 16. Up until then, I just never cared or never looked but after 16 I became stuck between a burger and a free-weight.

I always had a really positive self image, and I grew up very average in height and size. I was always a 9-10 and I was really pleased with that. Clothing fit, looked nice, no issues. Suddenly I was someone's wife and mother and my size 10 body didn’t measure up to all the other women throwing themselves at my husband. He of course only wanted me to wear a burlap sack so no one would attempt to check me for a figure, and so began the issue of weight.

He went to Korea for a year, and I lost 3 sizes. My new size 4 body was a result of too much stress and caffeine and not enough food and love, but it was getting me all kinds of new attention, and who could pass on that? When my ex-husband returned he went to great pains to mock my "boy-like" body, and lack of hind quarters. So frequent were his insults when we moved down to Georgia, that I abandoned my quest to be small and began eating again in earnest.

In that 18 month period I gained back ALL of the weight I lost, and packed on an additional 2 dress sizes. Now a 14-16 I could only wear sweatpants, and sweatshirts. Gone were all my cute little clothes and figure flattering dresses. I of course didn’t understand at the time that he was doing some serious long term damage to my self image. He wanted me big because no one else would look at me, and I couldn’t risk upsetting him and being insulted daily.

At 21 years, and 189 pounds I came back home to Maryland. Fat, defeated and broken. My mother feared for me, my friends looked at me in disbelief and even I didn’t recognize myself. The damage was done. I didn’t even know where to begin to get the weight off, and I didn’t for about 3 years. My divorce didn’t help, my parents concern didn’t help, I just couldn’t make that idea that I was fat and unlovable out of my mind.

Then of course someone paid me some attention, and though my brain still screamed "No one will ever love you" I started basically starving myself in order to cut the weight. For 3 years I worked out like a mad woman, doing crunches in the living room at all times of the day and night. Eating cans of tuna and nothing else. Popping diet pills like candy and slowly wasting away. I started having anxiety attacks, heart palpitations, night sweats and insomnia. I don’t know that I slept well for 6 months, and my acne went completely nuts. Again my family was worried, and screaming at me to do something about my now size 2-3 body.

I eventually got off the diet pills and started gaining back the weight slowly, but all the while feeling crazy for even gaining one pound, because now weight for me was either too skinny or too fat, and because my image of normal had been damaged so early on, I couldn’t conceive of being happy in a size 10. Well, somewhere between now and then with the help of some serious counseling and some great friends I got back to my 10.

That was last fall, and I was really feeling good about what I saw in the mirror. All my clothes fit, and I was still working cute lil outfits and such. Food finally didn’t have a negative connotation in my mind and I figured why bother counting calories? I am fine just like this and happy too for once. Except I forgot that I still needed to work out. So I was a 14, am a 12 working on a 10.

Okay, so why did my demeanor change after watching the Pussycat dolls? Simple, this is exactly the type of image that propelled me into the weight loss nightmare. I want to feel good about losing weight, not feel trapped into it. These are a pack of talentless girls, who sing about how to entice a man. Not so bad you say? Well couple that with their lack of clothing and your 12 or 14 year old daughter/sister/niece watching it and then see what you say? Is it okay for her to prance around singing the homewreckers anthem "Don’t Cha"? Is it okay for her to want to dress like that? Or maybe is it alright for her to aspire to have that body? And then ask yourself what she might do to get that body. Will she be up all night popping ephedra, risking a heart attack just to be thin and liked by some boy? Will some man tell her that she is fat and worthless and will never be like those girls? What will happen to her?

See, this is what I think Oprah and Jill Scott are talking about. Women are absolutely being marginalized. They are being told that they hold no value without rail thin bodies. They aren’t good enough if they aren’t willing to be "Raw" like them, or sexy enough to steal a boyfriend. Where is the pride in begging a man to "Loosen your Buttons". If it wasn’t enough that we let the men do that to us, now we are doing it to ourselves. Gyrating and begging some man for attention and approval. Now every little girl who thought she was beautiful in her size 10 jeans feels pressure to be a 2 in a sports bra and hot pants. Does anyone else see how sick this is?

So while I don’t have issue with sexy, I do have issue with who that "sexy" is for. Is it you owning that title for you, because you look great and feel great at any size? Or is it you pushing your body to unreasonable limits because some video, song or made up group told you that’s your only path to love. We gotta stop this, or at least give our girls (and boys for that matter) the tools in which to deal with what they see and hear.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to be thinner. I want to feel great when I come out of the house too. But I don’t want to kill myself for it, or aspire to be something I am not for someone else. If I choose to be a 6, then its gotta be because I feel great in that 6, not because I was guilted into it watching a video. Nor am I saying that I am suddenly some rap hating, hard charging feminist now. I am still going to get crunk with my work outs, but something has to give if every song is about giving head or fucking. I never want one girl to look at a video and think she has to look or act that way for some boy. I never want one boy to assume that a woman is there for his pleasure and humiliation. The question is, what happens next?

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Recap Blahhhs


I don’t know, I just wasn’t feeling either of last nights shows. They both seemed super boring and predictable. Its down to the final six couples on So You Think You Can Dance, and you would think the show would be at a fever pitch. Sadly that’s just not the case. Even Project Runway’s promo’s from last week held the promise of drama, but even that was just ho-hum in my opinion. Well, anyway here we go, and trust me its going to be brief.

Ivan and Natalie – They started with a snore of a jive. I wasn’t really paying it much attention. Then they moved on to the worst contemporary number I have ever seen. It was extra super weak and silly. I felt like the choreographer really let them down. Oh and Mia Michaels flat out called Natalie fake. Nice, that’s gotta build a girls self esteem. I wonder how she would feel if someone called her fat and bald headed? Cause she is. Natalie’s solo was a sore too. It seems like she is repeating the same moves over and over. Ivans was actually great this week, but I don’t think its going to save him.

Donyelle and Benji – Broadway number was just okay, and their hip-hop number was awful. The judges liked it, but they spent so much time running around the stage it seemed like they were bound to fuck up. Thanks to Shane Sparks and his “amazingly” shitty choreography, these two looked spastic, and the dance looked forced. In solo’s Benji worked it out, but finished on a very girly looking move, and Donyelle just seemed to throw herself about to “And I am telling you” from Dreamgirls. I don’t even know if she had planned that number.

Travis and Heidi – They started with a waltz that for some reason even Mary Murphy didn’t hate. I gotta admit it was pretty, but boring as all hell. I went to go get more water during the number, and most times I don’t even bother to move. Then there was the weak attempt at African dance, though it probably could have been better if that namby-pamby weak ass Wade “My own dance show sucked” Robson hadnt created it. I cant even get into how many ways I hate this dude, but for his Michael Jackson copying ass to create anything “African” is comical, and they looked comical doing it. Best performance of the night my ass! They must all want a turn suckin Wades dick or something, cause they were all full of kissy faced love for that clown. Anyway, Travis did his spinny solo as usual and Heidi did the same Rhumba/Salsa she always does too.

My going home prediction: Natalie and Ivan

Project Runway

Biggest build up and let down of the summer. They spent the whole pre-season saying that someone is getting kicked off, but when the time came to give them the boot it was just stale and boring, and not even a really scandalous reason. I was thinking, stolen designs or tampering with a competitors sewing machine, or fighting, stabbing or fucking in the work room. Something, anything! Anyway I will update that tomorrow. I just don’t have the energy today.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Oprah’s (modified) Bootcamp Day 10

Believe it or not I haven’t had one bite of refined sugars, starch or flour in 10 whole days. Let me tell you, life is real different. Lets first start with the food shall we? The first few days I struggled to find actual food to eat. Let’s face it when every meal you eat contains starch, or carbs its difficult to figure out what you should be eating instead.

Most days this is my food situation:

Breakfast: 2 boiled eggs, bacon or low fat ham, banana
Lunch: Tuna/Chicken on salad with lemon juice dressing. Two slices of cheese and a nectarine.
Snack: 4 pepperoni slices, handful of almonds (not roasted)
Dinner: Salmon/Chicken, Veggies

And even though I clowned Ms. Sophia about her tea thing, I’ve been drinking chamomile tea with sliced ginger about an hour before bed and it seems to really stave off the hunger.

I did have to modify the diet a bit though. I have low blood sugar, which can really wreck my day if I don’t have enough glucose in my system. So I don’t adhere to the two fruit rule. I eat a banana usually before I go work out or if I feel weak or low, I will eat a plum. I cant expect fast results from a carrot, and I cant chance passing out at work or behind the wheel. So far it doesn’t seem to have affected my results, which is great.

The workouts however are another story entirely. I don’t know where Oprah is getting all this time to work out, but my life is a touch too busy to be running around sweating every 5 min. Some mornings I can get to the treadmill and some mornings I cant if I have to be at work early. Some nights I can get there, but not if my son or my mom need me to do something. I can barely fit 4 workouts in a week, let alone 8. I still say she is hittin the pipe on that one.

So what have I lost? Well, I am not altogether sure since I don’t believe in scales.
I measured myself on the 23rd and again on the 29th. I have lost an entire inch off my waist, and thighs and hips. Yesterday, my pants slid on, and today the shirt I couldn’t get my arms in without doing some serious damage to my circulatory system went on with ease and I have room. So folks, I am surviving and feeling great I might add. Oh and bonus, my skin is beautiful and clear. My hair is shiny and pretty and I feel like a million bucks.

Last but not least, I managed to turn down the one thing that I believed impossible to turn down, Coldstone. My son wanted some last night after being stuck with his hillbilly daddy, his wife with their dirty ass kids for a month. Poor child only ate McDonald’s from what I understand. I wasn’t all that shocked really, the wife makes Jamie Pressley’s role on “My Name Is Earl” look refined and classy. This is the same bitch who spent 3 hours spouting off about how she cooks every night and how she makes everyone eat their veggies. My son has complained about her "vittles" on several occasions, and mentioned that she cooks infrequently.

I knew that shit she was talkin was a lie cause if she ever tried to make HickBill Squarehead eat a vegetable it would go something like this. “You raggedy bitch, I taint eating that shit, go fix me a steak woman!” Then he would motion like he was gonna knock her into next week, throw in something about one of the young’uns playing out in the mud puddle and how she needed to hurry up and birth that baby so she would stop cryin all the time and get back to serving his Pabst ice cold like told her to, True Story.

Anyway, my son who is a gorgeous tall (5’9) healthy 13 year old boy, came back here all emaciated. Like I can feel his bones! I am guessing there was only so much “chow” to go around in a house with 5 kids, two adults and a bun in the oven. My son is spoiled, I know this, however he also gets 3 good meals a day, and healthy snacks. Seeing him 10 lbs lighter pissed me the fuck off among other things but I wont get into now. So I took my sweet boy to Coldstone, and I Ms. Avin, didn’t eat one single bite. Nor did I ask to lick the cup or his fingers. I am winning damn it! Avin 1 Coldstone 0!