Friday, July 28, 2006


Okay this word is very regional and pretty much pinpoints me being somewhere close to the DC/PG county line. There has been some outside discussion about the word that even my 63 year old mother uses to describe folks who just have it wrong.

The word itself is a derivative of the word Alabama. Folks who came from Alabama were country, and without the style and finesse that the DC folks possessed. Apparently, some time in the early 70’s it became a common word to use in order to describe any folks deemed country, no matter what state they hailed from. My parents generation developed a fondness for referring to midwesterners as bammas. I dont particularly feel thats the case these days, but the sight of a pair of "Now and Later Gators" will make the word spring to mind/

Of course, our parents use of the word just translated into our use of the word. We however expanded the definition a little. Bamma basically describes anyone who has generally fucked up in word, deed or dress. It has properties, such as:

Why you got that bamma ass coat on – The coat is either busted or just crazy looking
That bamma needs to shut up – This person has said or done something stupid
That’s straight bamma – Defines a litany of actions that could be considered stupid

I cant even begin to cover all the ways this word is and can be used, it would just take me too damn long.

Also, I know a lot of people who are instantly offended by it, and question its use and validity. I am 30, it still holds water in my opinion, and I still use it pretty much daily. I just called the guy downstairs the “IT Bamma” just last week. Folks who want to argue this word have usually been called a bamma a time or two. Sure its not fun, but we call each other bammas for sport here, so we don’t take as much offense.

Which, brings me to the point of this here topic. The bamma downstairs in accounting.
THIS bamma is a trip. Negro comes to the office every day in ankle socks and short pants. Not just ankle socks mind you, white athletic ankle socks. This my friends is your classic bamma. I don’t work at Modells, nor do I work at any retail, fast food or other laid back establishment. This is a white collar industry where you can’t just come to work looking any old way. Ankle socks, even on casual Friday, with black pants and black shoes are a bamma move. I should have guessed it though, cause he is from Philly and not even and Eagles fan. That said a lot right there.

Anyway, there you have it the word Bamma. If you want to contribute your experiences or understanding of the word feel free. If you want to debate its validity, we can do that too bamma, I got all the time in the world.

Dont Stand So Close to Me

Remember when I said it was about to get ugly?
I think I am there. Ugly population: Avin.

Believe it or not I have actually been pretty diligent about this boot camp diet crap. I haven’t had anything wheat, flour, oat, rice, or potato esque since Monday. I also haven’t eaten anything partially hydrogenated, refined or high fructose corn syrup based either. However, I fear I almost suffered a setback last night due to rule number one on Oprah’s “What to eat” list.

Overall, eat lean protein, two fruits a day, and all the green vegetables you want.

This, my friends though totally harmless looking, is the kiss of death. Vegetables and I have a love hate relationship having nothing to do with their flavor. Last night with my lean, boneless chicken breasts marinated in a combination of Italian dressing, gray salt and a dab of Dijon mustard, I had a cup of steamed veggies. You know, broccoli, carrots and corn. I did not know at the time how poor a decision this would become.

My body, in what can only be described as a war-like offensive maneuver has done the only thing that it can to punish me for my insolent behavior. That maneuver my friends is gas. So bad is said tactical maneuver that it woke me out of a dead sleep last night at 2:30 am. See, the body knows there can be no rational thought when you have a ball of air the size of a basketball lodged behind your ribcage. I tried desperately to eat as many Tums Extra Strength as I could possibly muster at that hour, and craw feebly back to my bed, but I knew the damage had been done.

I had eaten the one thing that assured I would be in agony, steamed veggies. Anyone with a good bout of indigestion knows that Tums as a defensive tactic, once doubled over in pain is futile. At this point, the only cure is food, and preferably bread based food as to displace the empty black hole growing in your belly. Well, I refused to let my body win last night/this morning, (seriously where the fuck am I? What day is this?) and soldier on with the words “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels” echoing in my head as I tossed and turned fitfully.

This morning I woke up and ate a banana like Magilla Gorilla might try to slap box me for it, and drank another 3 glasses of water before I got out of the house. So far I’ve eaten two boiled eggs and 2 strips of bacon, hoping to finally stop belching like a drunken fool. Just 3 more hours till lunch….god help me.

Oh and BTW I noticed that a ton of people have been stopping by searching for those lil no fat, no sugar dicksicles I mean fudgsicles from the Oprah Show. I am not altogether sure what they taste like, but my mother loves these. At this rate they would probably taste like Coldstone if I could eat one right now.

These are the Fudgsicle Brand pops, and they say 40 Calories. I think this is what she was talking about.

I am also hearing rave reviews about this one and as soon as someone allows me to eat something white again I will try it for myself.

Check it out, 60 calories, no sugar added and fat free.

I assume if you don’t over do it, these will work for you too. Happy dieting and eat one for me!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

This...Is...The ReCap

I got a ton to post so lets get to it.


I was siced for a minute when I saw that Donyelle and Travis had been paired together. A few posts back I said how big I thought they could be doing shit if paired up. However, that big shit did not come to fruition. The Lucky Charms Leprechaun better known as Shane Sparks managed to fuck their shit WAY up. The dance could have been tight as shit if only they could have seen what the fuck they were doing! Lucky went and made them wear masks. Great, now not only cant we see, but we cant get our moves in sync. Shane can fuck up just about anything I tell ya. Then they had to do the foxtrot. I mean does anyone look good doing this dance? It looks like the hokie pokie and no one ever likes it. I think they just throw that shit in there for Mary Murphy to clown.

On to Allison and Ivan, who were back with none other than my Latin lover Alex DeSilva. That man has it going on. They were off the hook just like last time. How is it you manage to get the same partner and the same dance that was the best dance of the night last time? Their second dance was probably one of the better hip-hop routines to Ne-Yo's "Sexy Love". I bought the chemistry on both routines, and I am digging old girls straight hair. No matter lets keep going.

Natalie and Ryan...Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, we need to talk honey. I mean I know I’ve said it before but in a dance routine, there should be at least one male. Honey, you are not it. I just need you to butch it up a touch or something. Stop having me thinking that Natalie is either dancing alone or with her sister Claire. Not that it matters but Sean was good. But my guess is you are going home today sweetie. Natalie of course was great in both the disco routine and the contemporary but I don’t know if its enough to keep her in the game. She has some serious competition these days.

Next were Benji and Heidi. Now, I don’t know about yall but it seems a touch unfair to pair these two. They are cousins and have been dancing together since they exited their respective wombs. Anything they do is gonna look tight cause they have history, not to mention they are damn good at what they do, but that’s beside the point. Their first number was a Broadway routine to a song from Dreamgirls. That tore the roof off the sucker, though I sorta felt like Heidi was holding back. The second number was a Mambo for your ass by Alex "you can get it" DeSilva. Except Alex what is going on with that big pink ruffled shirt? Oh who am I kidding, yall know I don’t care. Look, I gotta give credit where its due, and anytime you can spin a bitch with your leg, you got shit on lock. It was serious, and frankly after that routine they are the couple to beat. Sorry Donyelle and Travis. I mean I love yall, but this was some "other" shit that yall cant quite work out.

So overall there was some excellent dancing, but I swear fo god if they show Dmitri's ass in the audience one mo gin I am gonna scream. Let it go, you lost.
Busta Rhymes is performing tonight....I don’t quite know what to say about that. Anyway on to the next show....

Project Runway

Challenge: Story & Outfit for Model & Dog

Okay, now I want yall to know I LOVE PR, however...when I saw they were dressing dogs last night I almost cut that shit right off. See I don’t get the phenomenon of dressing your dog up. Pets don’t like clothing, and frankly look downright stupid in them, but for the sake of this blog and episode continuity, I watched it. Thankfully the dogs were only dressed for about 20 mins of the show, so I could contain my outrage.

Where do I start?? Perhaps with Alison, who when she saw this whole challenge was hype as hell and started working on the perfect ensemble for woman and dog. Homegirl was serious with it too. She was the only one I thought had no direction issues last night. She just ran with it.

Laura ran with it too, with her matching tweedy/marabou collar suits. Jeffery and Robert did a fab job too, and of course so did Uli and even Vincent with his crazy ass did alright too. Bonnie, Kayne and Michael all did fab too.

Lets cut the bull, I want to talk about this crazy ego maniac fugga Keith. Who are you? Really? I mean we get that you design well, but could you tone down the bullshit already? You do not know everything. You do not get to dictate who gets what sewing machine and when. You are not allowed to call someone "Bad Mommy" because you don’t like what they said to you. Most of all you don’t get to not do part of the challenge cause you think its stupid. Please get off your high horse and cut the crap.

Heidi almost ate your ass for breakfast when she found out you didn’t make shit for that dog. So what if your dress was off the chain, your attitude sucks and you didn’t finish the damn challenge. Had the nerve to go off on Bradley, talking about "you cant just give up". Hello asshole, at least Bradley had ideas for the damn dog. You weren’t even thinking about designing shit for that dog and you know it. I am glad that Nina, Heidi and Ivanka (who coincidentally turned out to be a beautiful young lady) pulled the fuck outta his card. He shoulda gone home for that shit, but of course...he didn’t.

Bradley on the other hand who 10 min before show time was still sewing his top, managed to wow the judges with probably the most fug outfit I have ever seen in life. Billowy ass balloon top and boring gray skirt. And the dog! Let me not start on the dog with the tie! I mean fuck, this dude must be talented cause he was no where near close to trying on this challenge and they loved it. I must not know shit about fashion. Anyway, last but not least were frumpy ass Katherine and Angela's crazy ass.

Angela's outfit was super terrible. It was like runway hooker with dog, but I knew she had fucked up when she started sewing those little rosettes on that skirt. Also, I need her to stop it with the skirts. They aren’t cute on her, and they are worse on the models. Just cut it out already, and stop the Tom Foolery.

Katherine...honey Tim Gunn totally warned you. Why couldn’t you just work out that lil hoodie for the model? The dogs outfit was better than the model's. Everyone and their momma knows that when Tim Gunn hates something, or suggests help, you listen like he just gave you winning lottery numbers. Don’t be like "oh I didn’t have time" bitch make time! Without the hoodie, the judges immediately started fucking with your dress design, and bam just like that, your ass is sent packing.

On another note, Uli won the challenge which surprised the shit out of me. Her creation was fab, but Alison's was so much better in my opinion. Judging from Alison's reaction, I wasn’t the only one shocked she didn’t win.

Anyway, next week someone is getting thrown off the show. I hope its as good as the 50-11 previews suggest, cause they have been promoting it since before the season started. I hope its Keith. Seriously dude, who are you???
Later people

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

You have appeared to my life, feel like I'll never be the same....

Okay this is going to sound like I am bragging, but I swear that I am not. Everyone who knows me knows that I am a huge MAC cosmetics devotee. I am a cosmetics Stan really, but none the less MAC is my all time favorite. Funny considering for a while there I felt like their products were way too matte for a gal like me.

I have a serious addiction problem with MAC, and if held at gunpoint I couldn’t successfully name all of the products from them in my purse, the ones I own…well lets just say they owe their 3rq quarter earnings boost to little old me. I have tons and tons of various shades of lipstick, lipgelle, lipglass, lipconditioner, lacquer, lustreglass, lipliner and the like. These items consume an entire plastic basket in my closet. I wont even bore you with the foundations, cover-ups, eye shadows, liners, pigments, paints, brushes and blushes I own. We don’t have that kinda time.

Well, two weeks ago when the boyfriend and I went to Vegas, I took my makeup of course. Now, I wont get into how, cause that’s just personal and some shit is best left unsaid as not to have folks drawing conclusions about me, but I managed to break all my powder based MAC makeup. It was like being hit by a truck. I seriously died a little, trying desperately to scoop my powders into little piles. Seriously there were big fat tears on my little brown cheeks, and it was all I could do not to have a complete mental breakdown.

Good news is, the boyfriend (who not terribly adept with things like products and cosmetics) is well aware of my MAC addiction. So much so that we discuss things like if we got rich what we would do for the other. My gift to him would be one of those gigantic loud ass, fully tricked out Harley’s built by none other than the folks at Orange County Choppers. His to me? My own MAC heaven. A vanity built especially for me with every product that MAC makes with a back up supply and delivery of my favorites and replacements whenever I see fit. This is EXACTLY why I am marrying this man. He gets it. For that idea alone I promised to throw in 50 yard line season tickets to the Philadelphia Eagles, its only fair.

Back to Vegas. Anyway, seeing my utter despair, the boyfriend drove me to Caesars’ Palace Forum Shops where there was a trusty MAC store. So elated, I ran in and grabbed the items that were broken. It was only four things but it might as well have been 40. Studio Fix in C6, Bronzer in Golden, Eye shadows in Honesty and Mystery. Just as I was beginning to feel better the boyfriend (who does NOT go into or near the MAC store) comes in. I think something is wrong…oh no do we need to go??? I will hurry baby I promise I am thinking. He marches over to the sweetest MAC artist ever with a tube of concealer (who by the way was eager to help me unlike the rest of them stuck up bitches) and says. How much does something like this cost? She says $12. He says, “Great, listen you let her pick out about $150 worth of stuff in here, when she is done just wave for me, I will be sitting right over there” and he kisses me on the forehead and leaves.

This is EXACTLY why I am marrying this man. Had me grinning like a kid with a Bomb-Pop fresh from the Ice Cream Man! Sigh, life is good sometimes. I picked out all types of new and wonderful things. Things I had seen but couldn’t justify paying for, like blotting papers and moisturizer! Green cleanser and brand new unreleased anywhere lipglasses. I felt like a princess. Needless to say the man is wonderful, and I am so absolutely grateful.

So, I am not bragging, I am just happy and I say this cause this story just came from a woman who’s had more bad years than good when it comes to men. I’ve been divorced for 9 years now and the ex never lets me forget it. I have been trampled and stepped on and dismissed and just generally dicked around for more years than I can count. I had given up hope, kissed too many frogs and I was really ready to be alone forever and that’s when he showed up. Two years later, we are basically inseparable.

Ladies, don’t give up. He is really out there and he will really be what you need him to be, just remember that he is the one who understands you completely and maybe that doesn’t always come in the package you expect. He is going to love you, and you are going to deserve it and your blessings will come.

Of course when they do come you will want to strangle him most of the time and wonder why he drives you as crazy as he does, but it will all be worth it.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Do not spend another summer fat!

So says the queen of all Media

Well Oprah, I dont know. I mean its so clear this summer is shot, but this weightloss thing is tricky for us regular gals without millions, a personal chef and a trainer. Cut me a lil slack okay. Her Bootcamp show was on last night, so let me just catch ya up real quick like.

Oprah says:

You have eight workouts a week with one day of rest.

Um, thats one workout too many there sista girl. I dont know where you get 9 days in a week but I sure dont have em. By my accounts that means I gotta do some shit twice a day which unless its eating Coldstone is going to be very difficult.

The main rule: eliminate the white stuff—bread, pasta, potatoes, rice—as well as candy, pastry, cookies, cake.

Oh this bitch is trippin! What the hell is left if I cut out everything white? Lets not even start on the rice, I mean damn even prisoners get rice.

For the first month, stay away from whole grains (brown rice, oatmeal, whole wheat cereals and breads). After that, you can slowly add them back

Fuck! She is serious about this rice shit. Not even brown rice??? Can I live?

No alcohol.


You must stop eating three hours before bedtime. Do just this, Oprah says, and you'll lose weight.

A sista is gonna be dead somewhere. Period, point blank.

Then she suggested this "snack"

Oprah adds mulling spices (a mix of cinnamon, allspice and cloves) and lemon and orange slices. And she always drinks the tea from a beautiful cup. Oprah uses this tea as part of her evening ritual in order to avoid snacking after her strict 7:30 p.m. eating cut-off time. Just be sure to use caffeine free herbal tea!

I could drink that shit out of a Faberge Egg and It wouldnt do dick for my appetite come 11pm.

For afternoon cravings she has a cup of green tea, a handful of almonds and slices of apple and Parmesan cheese.

Oprah has discovered a no-fat, no-sugar fudgesicle that satisfies her chocolate cravings.

Is it me or do these look like lil frozen dicks? Sorry, sorry I am just crazy with hunger.

Anyway, she had some other shit on there which was just as futile in the satisfaction department if you ask me, but hey I know she is trying to get folks to preserve their sexy. I just dont know that I am capable of food that comes in handfulls and more workouts than days of the week. I aint signing her contract, best I can do is promise Miss Sophia I will try.

Monday, July 24, 2006


I think my reward for getting this weight off is going to be a brand new tattoo. I couldn’t think of what I wanted when I was in Las Vegas, but I am seriously starting to rethink that dragon I saw. Being born in the year of said dragon it will have meaning, and wont be some “I was bored and didn’t know what to get” type deal that only another sun or moon might yield. I cant draw so thats out, and I want it to be original so it looks like its going to cost me a pretty penny. There is no way I would ever get flash. I hate flash with a passion.

Flash, if you are unfamiliar is that crap they post all over the walls of your local tattoo parlor or in the books on the counters. Flash is the stuff you are likely to see someone else sporting. Like everyone I know has that damn black panther including the boyfriend. Now, please don’t get it twisted I LOVE a man with tattoos, and there is something immediately moistening in all the right places when it comes to a fine man and his tattoos. The boyfriend has a few that still make me swoon and guys have NO clue how the right tattoo might seal the “getting the draws” deal for the right girl. However, its cliché to get the same shit over and over. The most wore out male tattoos are:

Tiger on chest – seen it on everyone including a guy on Real World, Cisco a model and a cousin of mine. Its not sexy, try again.

Black Panther – EVERYONE male and female has this thing in various sizes. Please be original and stop going to shit bag tattoo parlors. Not all tattoos should be $60. If you get a gigantic orange Koi off the wall and they only charge you $60, you are not getting quality work, period.

Tribal Armband – Okay, I know these were the rage at one point, and I totally got it back then. If you have one from 98 then I won’t give you too much grief, but please for the love of god, don’t go get one now, let it die. I don’t know who even started that trend, but it seems like they are everywhere.

Happy/Sad Faces – Either as masks, or as clowns, these are probably the ones I hate the most next to having Love and Hate tattooed on your knuckles. I never figured out why dudes felt like this one was so original. Everyone thinks theirs will be better or different. “Laugh now, Cry Later” hasn’t been new or different since the ese’s in Cali were doing it back in the 80’s. Just a tip fellas, women hate having a sneering evil clown or mask staring back at them in bed. I don’t wanna think about being fucked by the evil clown…or the crying one either come to think of it.

Praying hands – There has got to be another way for you to memorialize your homeboy Tito. I’ve seen this one in various stages too. Hands alone, hands with rosary, hands with rays of light, hands with cross in the back, hands with Jesus in the back, hands with Mary in the back. I am not trying to take away from anyone’s ability to remember a friend or family member but this is over done and tired and not in the least bit sexy. Remember again fellas that not only am I not interested in sex with the clown faces I am also not interested in reading Tito’s eulogy while we are fuckin either.

Memorable tattoos are very hard to come by these days. In fact its hard to remember the last time I saw a guy with a tattoo that I wanted to molest, (the tattoo not the guy) but every once in a while I will see one, and wonder if he has those damn faces tattooed on him somewhere and laugh to myself. I understand if you cant draw, but that’s what your tattoo artist is there for. They will design some shit for you that with have the girls lined up at your door. Its gonna cost you, trust me, but it is well worth it not to have every other asshat rockin your tattoo. Its original, its yours forever and you never have to pick that damn set of praying hands off the wall again.

I am Fat and Mad and...

Its about to get ugly!

I know that if blogged a time or two or forty about my weight and my desire to go back to being the girl I once was, but this time I mean it. I am prepared to do the absolute unthinkable to drop 30 lbs by the end of the year. What exactly, I am not sure other than running every morning and sometimes evening like my life depends on it. Cutting out all meat products. No fast foods, no fried foods, no sodas, sugars or desserts. There will be nothing but tuna, pasta and salad for the next 5 months I am fed the fuck up. The last straw was looking at the pictures of myself at the wedding I attended last week. I don’t normally put myself out on the corner of first and front like this, but if public humiliation and torture are the only ways for me to be serious about this than so be it.

This is what I used to look like:

And this is the house that Chipotle and Coldstone built.

and no, I am not pregnant, though at least if I were I could blame something other than being greedy.

Seriously, there is going to be some psychological trauma, starvation and serious pain coming. I used to be so cute, and I used to be so proud of my little size 6 body, but a 12 is just crazy, and I hate even searching for something to wear these days. So when I finally go back to looking like this:

I will finally shut up and be happy.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

An Open Letter To Pharrell Williams

Dear Pharrell:

You are fucking up. As a concerned listener and devotee of your infectious beats created with your compadre Chad Hugo, I feel its my personal duty to point out that you my dear are without a doubt on some different shit. Cut it out already.

I first noticed you slipping shortly after "Excuse Me Miss" dropped. You were supposed to be putting out the new N.E.R.D album which had been delayed for the 50-11th time. I was cool with your hooks, and I wasn't even all that pissed about your incessant "Ummm Yes Sirrrrrr" on every damn track. I was feeling your beats and that's all that mattered.

Then all of the sudden, you were rapping and singing on every fuckin track, and hocking that retarded Ice Cream shit. You were suddenly everywhere, and I couldn't look up without you singing the hook or the damn bridge on something. I mean what happened to beats, and btw where the fuck is Chad? I only remembered his ass was missing after seeing Kelis in "Young Fresh and New" the other day.

Oh and may I add a big WTF to that steaming pile of shit you did with Gwen Stefani. Congratulations you actually managed to fuck with her cool points, and yes she had a fucking ton after "Holla Back Girl" fuck you very much.

Now, every two seconds you are on my tv with Con-yey's gassed up ass singing that shitty "Number 1" song. I can't take it! But the last straw for me is Sleepy Brown's "Margarita". Clearly the song is a summer banger (did I say that?) however, you managed to sing the hook on a song with an actual R&B singer on it. Sleepy was more than capable of singing the hook on his own damn song, but here you come fucking up.

If memory seves me correctly, you aren't a good a singer, and you arent that great a rapper either.So I am begging, for the love of god, go let Chad out of the basement, dust off your Neptunes hat, put up your StarTrac salute, get back in the studio already and just do beats. That's all nothing else, just beats and hurry.

I am at my wits end with you and I can't fully comprehend your Kanye connection either so quick fast quit him like Jamie did and be on your job please and thanks. I expect results like you are writing "Rump Shaker the Remix" so get crackin. Don't be too upset, I am writing a similar letter to Timaland.

Card Puller

Friday, July 21, 2006

They want me with my hands up...Shooter

Who's a girl gotta sleep with to get Robin Thicke's album to drop??

First I read on fourfour that the album has been pushed back not once, not twice but 4 times!
Then I go over to Crunk & Dis and there's this video for Shooter which was on the last album but nevertheless it was a damn good song and its only better thanks to none other than that gremlin Weezy. Damn I hate to admit when Cash Money does something right, and frankly Birdman Jr. has been working some ish out for a minute now with The Carter II. Let me not get hung up on that though, back to Robin. Its been forever since wanna love ya dropped, and even longer since A Beautiful World, but I still listen to that shit like its extra Rhymfest brand new. I was waiting on A Beautiful World to drop before they changed its name from Cherry Blue Skies. Just someone cut me a break and give me Robin back.

On a funny strange note as I was picking through my morning gossip rags, I run into this tidbit on E Online about non other than Fred Durst.

Fred Durst announcing his engagement to Krista Salvatore, a 21-year-old Rhode Island native who he met over Memorial Day Weekend, according to a post on his MySpace account. We give it until Labor Day.

Okay for those who don’t know, I was seriously in love with said Limp Bizkit frontman for a time back in early 98 (and maybe a little after) I am FAR from proud of this but it needs to be addressed. Dude is a car accident, a motherfucking mess and a half who won’t be engaged, let alone married for more than it takes his next album to plummet to the bottom of the charts. There, I said it!

Why did I like him? Good question. The guy is short and fat and about the skuzziest human being alive but I have every one of Limp’s albums with the exception of that Cold War era Perestroika, arm bars and facist pigs in the Czech Republic nightmare they created after Results May Vary. WTF was that shit anyway? I mean did Shitney fuck you up that bad?

Not to mention, the guy gained a rack of weight on top of being fat, and never was really a very eloquent fellow (agreeance??? remember that shit?) but back in 98 he was a former (not all that great) tattoo artist who penned Counterfeit which was the absolute love of my musical life at the time. This was the same guy who put the group Staind on, I mean the Nookie video alone should give him some sort of credit. Not to mention there were several decent hits on Significant Other.

Well... didn’t he turn out to be a huge disappointment with his wiggly fat body and his “I’m the shit” attitude? Then I see him in a disguise of sorts in a tape with some porn producer. I don’t know the clown’s name, but he is the one who likes throwing raw meat at women’s asses (A1 winner) and shit. Then this MF gets a playboy chick pregnant but looks like he might pull a “that ain't my baby” and then he posts some incoherent bullshit about being in love with a then thin and K-Fag free Britney Spears who still managed to diss the fuck out of him. I mean what does it say about you when white trash won’t even admit to being your woman?

Finally he lost his mind and did the ultimate! He videotapes himself fucking some random ass broad. Grainy Paris-Hilton like camera phone-fuck session, huge gelatinous belly in the frame and eency weensy weenie bobbing around all tragic and shit. FUCK I say! What was I thinking!! Was I really attracted to this Shitney Spears loving tool?? What in the holy hell ever gave me the idea that this guy was remotely okay?? What was I smoking, drinking or popping that lead me to believe he was attractive? Uggh anyway let’s just say I’ve seen the light and mended my blind ass ways. Now I gotta work on that Colin Farrell thing. Sheesh I need therapy.

Thursday Blues

This was going to be a happy post, all about how Dmitry got kicked off SYTYCD last night, but its not. A very dear soul left this earth Friday the 14th, and her viewing was this morning. No words can accurately express how saddened I am for her family. You are all in my prayers and thoughts. She will live in our hearts forever.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Throw'em Under The Bus Wednesday

Okay folks I am back on track with the SYTYCD update, and I got a sprinkle of Project Runway too.


I didn’t update last week cause I was in Vegas but if you don’t know, Ashley and Musa got the boot. I didn’t watch it because I was in Vegas doing Vegas things which don’t have shit to do with regular network TV.

So this week, they are down to 8 and they decided to step the game up. These poor tired ass kids have to do 3 routines. Two paired and one solo and they only had one week to perfect it.
I won’t go in order because the program was like 2 hours and I think I’ve figured out that watching too much TV has a direct correlation to this gray hair I found. Anyway, let’s start!

Martha and Ivan
First dance was a hip-hop routine to Cassie's Me and U (which btw is starting to grow on me, and I am starting to agree with the masses that she looks like Melissa from RWNO) that was just a hair off. Martha seemed like she was sleep the whole time but Ivan did just fine.
Their next routine was a Waltz that in the words of Diddy looked "Real Regular".
Martha's solo to Gwen Stefani's "What ya waiting for" was extra terrible, and I couldn’t figure out that big green floppy ass hat or her outfit. Ivan did the same shit he always does with the pop and lock, but this time he did it with those skate-shoes and an air hump move that failed miserably.

Next, Donyelle who had the misfortune of being chosen by none other than that ballroom bitch Dmitri. First dance was the Lindy Hop and homegirl ripped it as usual, and what's that??? Did Dmitri choke? Couldn’t get that hop right huh? Well good luck tossing her under the bus. Girlfriend looks like she can beat the Russian right out of you, don’t play.
Then they did a Mary Murphy Samba to the BEP's "Hey Mama". Ballroom Bitch was showboating as usual, and had his shirt open to his naval. Donyelle did her thing and for once I never got an actual critique from the judges. They must have been tired of growing gray too.
Donyelle's solo to Bun B's "Git it" was of theee hook. Dmitri did that same ass bullshit. NEXT

Travis and Heidi did a fierce Paso Doble where she was hanging by her legs from his back in the beginning. Then they did a contemporary number to some Celine Dion song, where they both did an excellent job, Travis more so with that one than Heidi, who coincidentally is looking less like the crypt keeper now that someone else is doing her makeup for her.
Travis solo was beautiful, and Travis, sweetie, you know I love ya, and I know you are a Mo, but you gotta make it a lil less girly sweetie. Please and thanks.
Heidi ripped it again as usual, no question no comments, just flawless.

Then there were Alison and Ryan.....where do I even begin?
First they are doing a Mia Michaels contemporary number and Ryan's legs look better than Beyonce's. Is that a black onesie? Are they wearing eye patches!!! What is this Pirates of the Caribbean nonsense??? Then Broadway...who is the woman in this dance I mean really? Ryan why aren’t you the one wearing the garters?? Ryan's solo was alright but I need him to stop adding so much sugar to the tank. Alison was alright, and I think she is safe this week, but who really knows.

Last but not least are Natalie and Benji
Great Jazz routine to India.Arie's Wonderful. They are both excellent dancers. I felt like they might just give Donyelle and Bitch Boy a run for the finish. Ooops I may have spoken too soon, cause that hip-hop number to Pitbull's "She's Freaky" was um not so hot. I need Shane Leprechaun Sparks to sit the fuck down already. His routines are always shitty no matter who does them, and stop trying to make that girl move her ass cheeks independently. You are watching WAY too much porn and Luke videos.
Natalie's solo was beautiful as usual, and Benji was on fire.

My going home prediction? Ryan and Martha

Project Runway: Throwing folks under the bus continues...

Challenge: Pageant Gown for Miss USA
Everyone listened except two groups Milan and the lil dykey girl and Wendy Pepper Volume 2 and the neurotic professor of design disaster. One dress looked like something the cat threw up, and the other had these space wings. The issue with WP2 and the Neurotic Professor wasn’t the dress as much as these two spent the entire time fighting. I never knew who did what or was going to do what. All I knew was when elimination time came, there was serious dodging of big yellow busses. Both of them were calling each other to the corner of first and front and in the end...neither of them went home.

Ratings is my theory, but poor poor Milan with his rotten log dress and his desire to prove to mommy dearest that he was a REAL designer. He cried bitterly as he packed his things, and I felt sorry for him but couldn’t quite gauge whether or not his accent was real or a pretentious accessory. Anyway, the dykey girl tossed him under the bus too. Talking about how he should go home if it was between the two of them. Bitch you saw that dress was too short too, least you could have done was add some fabric or finish the hem. Poor Milan. Anyway, that’s that folks, until next week.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

So how much do I believe in Tide to Go???

This shit just saved my $110 Beige Banana Republic slacks. My dumb ass bit into a fresh Cherry. Not your average Maraschino, dessert topping in a jar cherry. No, this was a real ass pitted cherry, where the liquid that comes out is darker than blood! We ALL know that berries stain, and my dumb ass wants to play with bright ass purple liquid and expensive beige slacks. So of course I got that shit all over me, I was already close to heart attack/cry in a fit of rage mode at the prospect of having to walk around with a blood-like substance all over my crotch for the rest of the day, when I remembered I went back into the apartment for my Tide to Go this morning and shoved it in my purse.

I grabbed it thinking there is no damn way this will ever work but maybe I can get it to not look so period-like. So I started working on the biggest stain and dabbing it with a dry dinner napkin I found in my drawer. About 3 min later the stain starts to lift and it transferring to the napkin!! Now I am SICED, and I am rubbing for dear life. I used just about all of what was left in it, but I have been toting this thing around for about a month now and using it frequently, so I don’t know how much liquid was in it. Enough to shake around I guess.

Well its about a half hour later, and you cant even tell I had the most ridiculous cherry accident in the world. I have to get these washed pronto, but seriously, for a pair of beige pants I have NEVER seen anything work like this! I am going to go buy 5 more of these after work and just plant them everywhere. Its serious folks, if you are anything close to being clumsy, run to the store and get one or twelve.

I have returned...again!

The nerve of me posting with my missing in action ass right?

Well between Vegas and this wedding I went to, Ive been busy busy busy!
First I would like to commemorate my blog turning 1 year old on July 16th!

Anyway, enough partying. Vegas was great as usual. We went to the casinos.

We went to Hoover Dam

We fried in the hot ass sun, won nothing and ate ourselves sick.
All in all it was a great trip. We have to do this more often, but preferably not when its 106 in the shade. Then we went to a beautiful wedding where a ton of ghetto ass folks showed up. Just ridiculous!