Cool

The new year is bringing some new changes and I think its high time for a ton of them. I was on the phone last night at an ungodly hour with one of my homegirls discussing all the reasons why lots of random folks will be getting pink slips from our lives this year and I started thinking about out completely liberating getting older has turned out to be.

See it used to be I was so totally consumed with maintaining friendships and not pissing anyone off that I was scared to cut folks loose. I think its that whole youth and popularity thing that has most of us twisted up for a while, but as you age you figure out that you are just too busy to put up with bullshit.

I mean its difficult enough trying to keep in contact with people that you like. Its hard enough to convince your friends that you are still a good friend and that you do care about them when you are bogged down with mortgage payments and business meetings and financial issues. Its not like they don't get it cause they are right there with you, but for most of us its damn near impossible not to feel like a jerk cause you missed their birthday, anniversary, promotion. You aren't a bad friend and a complete asshole cause you cant seem to remember to make a phone call to anyone but your damn office.

As for people you don't want to deal with...why the fuck bother? You have limited time and energy and really do you want to spend another minute justifying this friendship when you could just cut it loose? I vote no. I thing the same is true for anyone in your life who is a brain drain or a colossal time waster. Cut them. I mean you don't have to be mean about it. You could go the route I always go which is to cut them back and then slowly phase them out. Sure you can be honest and bold about that shit in some cases (men) but for the rest of them just let them fade to black.

Speaking of men....I have an announcement to make. This is 2009, and if you have not heard from me since before the ball dropped I have some disappointing news. Your contract was not renewed for the new year, consider yourself laid off effective immediately. Please do not attempt to call me, as you will be sent straight to voicemail. If you repeatedly attempt to harass me by any technological means (text, email, incessant phone call type assaults) I may answer...but you will not like it. So far I have asked two male persons to delete my number from their phones. I have asked another to stop contacting me by email and I have outright igged that sorry manipulative former boyfriend to his face on New Years Day. Y'all know who you are. Contract cancelled, Cheers!

People I mean business. I am swabbing the decks in the 09. I am tired of fooling around with loser ass, fail ass people who have nothing to offer me or the world in general. In fact if you have failed at life in general (legal issues, fidelity issues, transportation issues, employment issues, reality issues, borderline psychotic fascinations with lying, jail, history, sports, politics and other things that not only bore the piss out of me but reveal you to be a loser of epic proportions) then do the world a favor. Climb up something high, like a building. Get up a running start and dive the fuck off of it. You are a waste of space and even though other people wont say it, I will. Kill yourself.

Harsh? Sure it is, but its also the truth. Now if you'll excuse me I have some top shelf Bloody Mary's to make to celebrate my 2009.

Cheers!

Santa Baby

Christmas has come and gone and basically I am no worse for the wear. Had to tighten the belt a little bit but I was still pretty generous with the Christmas gifts I was able to provide. It all goes back to that rule I have about folks fucking with my Christmas Joy. I wont stand for it.

So right before the holiday I was pulling some pretty evil shifts at work, and while I understand they were necessary, they sho nuff kicked my ass. I mean, in the last year I have seen some of my coworkers age tremendously, and I don't want to fall in with that crowd. I already dye my hair and I am not about to spend what little money I have left over each month on botox or whatever else wont make my face droop. I just have to slow my roll a little bit and ease back on my stress levels.

The first thing I could do to scale back my stress would be to go and punch that fat bitch employee of mine in her throat. That evil sorry bitch tests the limits of my patience every day. She is sneaky, she is insubordinate and more than all that, she is just a lazy fat sow who spends half the day cuddled under the left nut of our bitch made project manager, and the other swinging from our customers balls.

As her direct supervisor (which she would argue) I have written her up, and counseled her several times about how she behaves towards her coworkers. I have even had the Program Manager get her straight, but the fact of the matter is, the tiny bit of work she does is not work that anyone else wants to do, so if the customer doesn't mind her cranking out mediocre shitbag work on the daily until March then fine. I'll fire her ass when the task is over.

The other thing I could do to cut down on my stress levels is go back to working out or doing yoga. All I seem to manage to be able to do is drink mass quantities of red wine. In fact most of the gifts I got this year were wine related. Glasses, decanter, opener, wine bible, actual wine.....you know good stuff. I recently went to my favorite liquor store to pick up a few bottles and presents for Christmas, but I guess I left with too many, cause they asked was I gonna drink it all myself. I wanted to say "well not all at once!" but I just said know and started thinking that perhaps I am in there too much. Then they proceed to tell me that they are open Christmas Eve and Christmas Day just in case I forgot anything. Ha ha wise guys, very cute. If I need more wine this week I wont come here thank you. Everyone is a damn critic.

So I did buy these tiny bottles of Ciroc Vodka that were on sale and pass them out to my coworkers. Let me tell you what, those dudes were elated! I never seen such joy from a damn little bottle of liquor in my life. I bought 10, put a red bow on them, and passed them out. Big huge hit. Yay me! Perfect gift that says "hey, I just wanted you to know that during this holiday, I care about they type of vodka you consume, Cheers". Not that I think its right to put any more cash in Diddy's pocket, but its whatever.

As for my Christmas, I didn't get anything I wanted from Santa. I didn't get Autotune, Terrance Howard didn't leave the country and from what I gather is still pretending to be a singer. Worst of all, Common was not wrapped in a bow under my tree when I woke up. Now granted I am not always the nicest lady, but I have been pretty fucking good this year. Though I have threatened, I haven't physically assaulted anyone. I let my sorry ass fuck up cousin stay here and thought he is gone now he broke up my shit and stiffed me on half a month's rent. I cut back on the use of the word fuck to a considerable degree, and what few dudes I deal with I have been mostly nice to them.....sort of. Look I am trying. The very least that I could have gotten was Common, come on Santa work with me here!

Speaking of random ass dudes, I have never felt as disappointed in my options as I am right now. Even worse, these options could be on entirely different sides of the socioeconomic spectrum and still be fail ass losers. I don't know how that happens, but maybe I should be checkin for ugly dudes or something. Seems like the better looking they are, the more shit they got with them. Oh and don't even get me started on the married loser who was sniffing around. People never cease to amaze me.

Last but not least I think I finally have the motivation to get some of this extra weight off. For the longest though, I just didn't give a shit. I mean its very difficult to want to lose weight when more dudes are checking for you than when you were thin. That kind of negative/positive reinforcement is very difficult to argue with. Sure I like being thin, but I also like food too. The other morning after working like a fool, cooking most if not all of Christmas dinner for the entire family and getting next to no sleep, I started thinking about New Year's Eve with Tres Yellards and started flipping out. What the hell am I going to wear!!!! Well I finally mustered the nerve to drag out my dresses and guess what??? They fit! All of them.

I don't know why, cause I am pretty damn big and haven't done a damn thing to fix it, so I will just take it and pray that they still work at the end of the damn week. Tres Yellard's are headed to some restaurant to partake in 6 course tasting menu with sake parings. Then we will hightail it back here to Casa Avin to sip wine, eat little desserts and count down to the New Year. No boys, no clubs, no bullshit. I will leave that shit to the young folks. I don't fuck with clubs anymore (cause I think after you get to a certain age you should have better shit to do with your life) and I damn sure don't have any desire to be hold up with one of the loser brigade. Me and my homegirls got this "fun" thing down to a science.

See you in the 09!

FAIL

How did I forget about my fail ass cousin!!! OMG I cant believe I left this part out but here goes. My cousin, younger and clearly not as smart as a man should be at 25 is a total and complete blower. By blower I mean he is a damn mess and he has come to live in Casa Avin. Being the nice chick I am, I offer up a room in my house for this dude who I witnessed being born so that he will have some place to stay after being ousted from his main chicks house in VA. somehow someway this fool (a teacher btw) got himself a DWI in a neighboring state and now is not allowed to drive in that particular commonwealth.

Now, he already has a baby by a random chick up in the northern part of the country, and he got said chick pregnant while he was awaiting a lucrative basketball contract overseas. However, he managed to fuck that up and is now substitute teaching in the area. So, last summer the brizzle and the baby come down for a visit while he is living with my mother and while I know he is not still with her, he flips and does the ultimate. He drops the momma and the baby off at the airport, and then picks up this random brizzle and brings her back to my momma's house on the same effing day. I was hot, cause this is not how my family rolls but whatever.

Now I seen random brizzle all over his damn MySpace page looking all extra pressed and whorish all up on the cousin. I don't have shit to do with that really but I find her to be stupid and clearly without class for coming back to a house where the baby momma just left. Just stank. Anyway, fast forward to two weeks ago and Fail ass cousin needs a place to stay. Now I guess I forgot about Random Brizzle #1, but homechick is still around.

Now mind you I never met her until tonight, but I have met PLEANTY of other random brizzles going in and out of my home like its a damn bus station. There is Brizzle #2 who showed up at 5 am for what I can only guess was some hoodrat shit and Brizzle #3 who I only got a glimpse of going out the door. So now I am thinking Brizzle #1 is the main Brizzle cause she is in my goddamn kitchen right the fuck now. Have I mentioned my issues with OCD and not wanting folks to touch my shit? Yeah I am there right now.

So not only has FAC had 3 separate whores in my home, a dude who wont shut the fuck up and broken my dresser drawer but he hasn't paid me my rent, he wont put his damn dishes in the dishwasher and I am ready to throw his bitch ass out.

Oh and my mother says "oh you wont even know that FAC is there, he is never around and really quiet". Another reason why mom needs to be put in a home, and I need my fuckin head examined. Pray for me, cause I think I might have to kill him if he doesn't get an overseas contract soon.

The Green Light

I shouldn't wait so damn long to update but I swear life just gets in the way. I always think about posting, but when I get home I am just too damn tired, and in a few weeks time things change drastically, but I am ready to go right now so lets see if I can give you the scoop on some of the bigger items going on since my trip to Alabama.

Work work work. I guess work is just fine, things are the same as they ever were which is busy, but that is to be expected I guess. Lets just not talk about it okay, I gotta get up and be there again tomorrow and I ain't pleased.

I did manage to attend the NKOTB concert with my friend Rachel and it was amazing. Yes I know what I said about not being their biggest fan (that would be Rachel) but I did really have a ball being 13 again. There is something so liberating about being able to have fun without a thought as to who might care how silly you look. I screamed at the top of my lungs, I sang all the songs I knew and I actually danced. I got a little static from one of the kids at work but really, who gives a shit. I actually went in the next day and showed my coworker my merch and I even harassed her with the the "Right Stuff" dance most of the day. A good time was had by all. Oh and that last pic is of a 40 year old Jordan Knight. Fellas, please step your game up.

On the home front mom got her knee replaced and seems to be recovering very well. I don't want to speak on that much or else she will call me and I will have to go over there and do some shit for her that my father should be doing. He has been completely useless and I am not particularly surprised, I am just tired as shit.

I have dyed my hair twice in the last 2 months. The first color (though everyone seemed to like it) was some sort of sickly orange pumpkin looking shade that I could not get rid of fast enough. I think going lighter is just a damn mistake at this point. Unless I am willing to fry it with bleach and spend a fortune then I just shouldn't do it. Fail ass fucking color had me pissed for weeks. Then I dyed over it with a very dark brown which I love. I need to get it cut though because I think I am super bored and its not nearly as sophisticated as I would like it to be.

Then there are the things that I cant elaborate on. Like the old friend who has become a new friend that I am attempting to get to know again. Its new and its scary and its old and its familiar and I have no clue what the hell is going on really. I keep telling myself that shit changes, and I've changed and that maybe my friend has changed too but it all feels the same, and that shit makes me nervous. I don't know if I have the energy and its just fuckin complicated. So I think I am just going to pray on it and hope it goes well. Yes me pray, don't act like I don't pray! I might cuss like a sailor, and tell folks to eat a dick on a regular damn basis but that has nothing to do with my personal faith.

I have been fighting to lose what has become an obscene amount of weight that crept up from what I can only assume was the gates of hell or the dunkin donuts (same difference) and applied itself everywhere it could. I have been sporadically going to the gym and trying to work it off, but with mom's needs and the kids troubles in school I haven't had a second to breathe much less run on a treadmill.

The most irritating thing about the weight gain is not the fact that I am a little wider or fuller in the middle, its these new ridiculous chi-chi's that sprang up on my chest! I have never been a super flat girl, but never has my cup runith over. I cant even begin to guess what size these things are, but they are a pain in my ass. I cant sleep on my tummy at night, my shirts all ride the hell up like I am attempting to recreate a music video, one of my bra's actually broke. BROKE people!!!! I went out shopping for new bras and went a size up only to find that those motherfuckers don't fit either. I refuse to believe that I have moved into a D cup in less than a year. That shit is super impossible and can only be described as complete and utter bullshit. Kenya says that losing weight isn't going to make them go away and that I am stuck with them for life, but I think she is just attempting to scare me.

Also, I just got back from NYC, which was fabulous. I actually went up for a day shortly after returning from Alabama to attend a fashion week dinner, but the motherfuckers in my office effectively ruined that shit for me by calling me all damn evening. Not only that but they started calling me again on Monday morning at the crack of dawn which caused me to come all the way back home early and miss out on a bunch of fun type shit.

This time I went to visit my homegirl Heather and partake in a fabulous meal of KFC. No not that kind, I am talking about Korean Fried Chicken. She has been telling Li and I about it for months, but we finally got a chance to get up there and taste it for ourselves and let me tell you it was totally worth the drive. Oh yeah that was the other thing, I drove. Apparently the Acela ain't got shit on me cause I made it from the top of 495 to the Lincoln tunnel in 2 hours and 45 min. I didn't even think I was going that damn fast but folks are saying I broke some sort of land speed record in the Camry. Who knew??

We also attempted to see Stetsasonic (the original hip hop band) at the Knitting Factory that night, but let me tell you what, it did not happen. Sure we saw some wack ass battle rappers and of course we saw Just-Ice and the Jungle Brothers (minus a member) and I think YZ was on stage at one point but no we never did see Stetsasonic. Why do you ask? WELL, turns out the promoter was straight booty, and the show was all over the place. The company was great, there were plenty laughs, there was lots to drink, but there was no Sally. None.

There was however a random ass appearance by Keith Murray who came on the stage with about 45 random ass negroes. He managed to get out two familiar songs, one verse of Special Delivery and The Most Beautifulist Thing all late and wrong but he didn't sing Lifted so at that point I didn't give a shit AND it was like 12:45! Once he got of the stage we just knew Stetsasonic was next but nooo. All of the sudden there were more random fail ass negroes on the stage. That's when we broke the hell out. Heather's friend Steve was pissed, Li and I were tired, Heather was disappointed and we were all hungry. Once our bellies were full we retired to Casa Heather and the next morning we headed back to DC.

We had a ball though, between the bloody mary's, laughing with India, cutting up with Steve, makeup, hair and music convo with Heather, playing with Syd V. and twittering non-stop a good time was had by all. Gotta do that again real soon.

Well that's the best I do this go around.

The Business

I am so happy to be home from my business trip. Let me tell you that the last place you want to go in August is Alabama..trust me. Sure we got a ton accomplished but between the heat the smell, the briefings and organizing I am whipped. It wouldn't be so bad if that's all I had to do, but the nature of my position requires me to do a whole lot of meeting and greeting. That and a healthy dose of babysitting. Grown ass men are not to be trusted on Tdy period. Twice I was sure we would get kicked out of an establishment or that the comments produced from their mouths would surely offend. Damage control is my life and granted I cause my own share of shit, but I don't advertise and it pretty much flies under the radar.

So my trip started with 3 delays in Atlanta and missing, wet luggage at midnight in a Podunk town in a shitbag airport. It pretty much went downhill from there despite my best efforts. I will however admit to being on a completely dismorphic pms tear that was accelerated by a dumb ass question and resulted in some seriously hatefilled and alcohol feuled text messages which while I am aware were totally spiteful weren't totally off base or that far out of character for me. Ehh whatever I apologized, but I swear some folks got it coming.

I swear I try to be nice, but really other folks make it so damn difficult. In truth, everyone is good with me till they fuck up and do something stupid...and that my friends is something you do not want. I am practically surgical when it comes to anger. It becomes a blind rage that shoots forth with crazy intensity and zero remorse. There is a "god help you" that is automatically applied to a person on the wrong side of my wrath. I'm not unfair, I just have a super low tolerance for anything bullshit related.

This time it started with the question "are you mad at me" recieved on day 4 of 7 after another long ass day playing hostess with the mostest and sitting in boring meetings with several adult children. I was continuing to discuss work with work folks we depend on when this question appeared on my phone. I think I heard myself snap at that point. The match was lit and every one and thing in my wake was not only scorched but charred and cremated. It was sent to elicit a response and it got one. My response? A sustained stream of fucks that later evolved into me telling a co worker to eat a dick. Oh well he had it coming too.

I have yet to figure out why this generation produces such soft, nutless men. I have joked about it on occasion, I have even hinted about it, and sometimes (such as this one) I have called the nutless bitchmade man out to their face.....all to no avail. I don't know that pointing out the problem actually ever solves it. I think for some its another opportunity to pretend they aren't neutered skirt wearing pussies. Gutless, witless grown ass men unable to handle their own lives, families, subordinates, ex-wives, jobs, money and affairs all while letting people punk and push them around laughing at their weakness and crushing them under foot like little sticky pink marshmallow bunnies. I will get into real men and the ability to keep and carry one's own nuts another time, but yes this exactly what sent me in to a fucking tailspin.

So now I am finally home (bought my freedom) as though home doesn't present it's own damn challenges. I am just going to attempt to enjoy my weekend and not cause or entertain anymore shit. I do know two things. 1. Don't chase pavements. Give the hell up and let shit chase you and 2. When in the deep south do not expect straight hair no matter how much product you attempt to use.

Chasing Pavements

I think my purpose on this planet is to untangle this crazy life of mine day after day. Its either that or I have been put here to document the fuckery. Things are insane and yeah yeah I know you are thinking "damn she always says that" but really there are just no words for the insanity erupting from my situation these days.

I had a shitty run in with the ex recently thanks to my mother who somehow after 32 years in the education field didn't understand my asking her if he was at the house. Of course she says no and I walk dead into an ambush. I don't know why people just don't go away. Its so easy, I mean I go away! Now I got this fucker texting me, trying to nudge his big ass into a window that ain't open. One word: FAIL

I did manage to get a new iPhone, I mean come on y'all knew I was going to get one. After all the drama and stupidity surrounding the loss of the last one, I just couldn't see my life continuing without the new one in my life. I did it the same way I did last time. Ordered it on direct fulfillment and kept it moving. Avin waits in no line.

There is also this work drama unfolding, but if you read this thing you already know I cant talk about it. I mean I would if I could but who the hell knows if someone is monitoring this thing right?

Sleep is forbidden. Diddy is right (damn I hate to admit that) and apparently I cant seem to get any sleep in this piece recently. Its one of those things where I wake up 3 or 4 times a night wondering why the hell I am awake. The other night I actually woke up and thought how nice it was that this was only the second time I woke up as opposed to the third or the fourth. Crazy right? Someone mentioned that I should get up and blog in the middle of the night when I wake up but I cant really see my way to getting out of the bed and firing up the PC to bore the hell out of y'all with my late night ramblings, I mean this is bad enough! Yeah I need to rest, it would probably help.

I think I am going to Alabama for some conference the end of the month and guess what will not be with me? That's right folks my iPhone. I am leaving it safe and sound here at Casa Avin and I am going to make due with the crank powered POS model. Sure I cant do anything with it, but really do I need the type of heartache I endured in June? Me thinks not!

Oh and my mother has gone completely insane. I don't know what happened to her or if this is the onset of senility, but she is completely batshit crazy. She has done and said some amazingly padded room type of shit lately and I am just wondering if my insurance will cover her committal. I love her, don't get me wrong, but she is not right these days and I don't see it getting any better anytime soon.

I think I had more to talk about, but I am just going to continue to chase pavements, sleep and paper.

Its Not My Problem

The world is filled with folks who feel that nothing is their damn problem. Why is that exactly? I mean sure not everything is your problem, but a good portion of all the bad shit that happens on a daily basis occurs because folks just don't feel like they have any personal responsibility for anything anymore. Take for instance the situation with my niece, time and time again I hear "she isn't your problem" or "are you sure you should get involved" and to that I say "Who the hell else is gonna do it if I don't?" Y'all are the same fuckers who will be bitching about how the world has gone to hell in a damn hand basket cause no one is checking for these teenagers out here. I just get frustrated thinking about how folks not only don't see that being a part of this world doesn't involve living in a bubble and pointing fingers at shit that isn't right. Sometimes damn it you gotta get involved. Cognitive Dissonance is running rampant in America and I refuse to be a part of the problem. I cant change everything, but I will do what I can, and I am deciding to start right here.

I Am Not My Phone.....I think.

Ive been robbed people! ROBBED, or as the boyfriend so eloquently put it when I told him "someone caught you slippin and you won't ever see that joint again" thanks baby, you sure know how to make a girl feel good.

Sometime Tuesday evening during dinner my iPhone went missing. Just up and grew legs and walked right out of my life. I wasn't too worried at first, as soon as I realized it was absent I called back to the restaurant and asked them to go look for it. Of course it was no where to be found. The guy on the phone said that once the cleaning was done it would probably turn up. I assumed as much and went back to my lumpy ass hotel bed to try to catch a few winks.

So for the first whole day that my beloved iPhone was missing I just decided to be in denial. Someone would be kind enough to turn it in right? Someone somewhere would find it, feel my pain and sadness from losing the one constant in my life. The most counted on and treasured item I own. So I just didn't think about it. This morning I woke up in my lumpy ass hotel bed in a cold sweat. My phone, its out there somewhere, cold alone, and off! Sadness washed over me like I assume soap and water would wash over Jim Jones if he had ever had a bath before. I wanted to throw myself in front of that damn sorry ass trolley that keeps ding, ding, dinging past my window every 3 minutes. Depressed? Yeah you could say that. Dramatic? Well, if you know me then you know full well how I feel about that phone.

I should have guessed that my poor phone wasn't safe here in a city full of cowboys and geeks. I mean its an IT convention! I haven't ever seen a more busted bamma ass group of folks all gathered together in one spot in all my 32 years. So now I sit using this crank powered piece of shit office phone trying not to think about all the things that I could be doing with my iPhone like listening to my Hall & Oates Greatest Hits or sending out funny text messages. I am just disturbed all the way around. So I called AT&T to see what if anything could be done to locate my best friend, and let me just tell you that I should have saved my Verizon minutes.

That motherfucker was so not helpful AT ALL. Then to add insult to injury he tells me that I cant replace my beloved phone because Steve Jobs is unveiling a new version next week, which wont be available for purchase till the end of the month and I will probably have to sell a kidney to get.

How will I Google song lyrics now people??? How can I effectively judge the distance between my condo and the coldstone if I cant map it from the palm of my hand? I wonder if it was that vendor guy we ate dinner with. He was extra shady and seemed a lil too interested in my phone. Call the coroner! There's gonna be alot of slow singin and flower bringin if my iPhone starts ringing. I did tell you that the thing is not on right? Either someone thinks they are slick or they just haven't found a place to hook it up yet. I am waiting on those bastards. Seriously I am starting to think it was that vendor guy. He was WAY too friendly. So people, if you know me, hit me up one mail and give me your contact info again and pray for me, cause I have a 2+hour flight back to civilization tomorrow and I have to do it without the dulcet tones of Mariah, Estelle, Lil John or Steely Dan. I never thought I would quote a child molester but "Heaven I Need A Hug"

There will be updates people....Trust and believe!