Monday, December 20, 2010

I'll Be Home for Christmas

Yesterday I witnessed (albeit by playback) a bonafied Christmas Miracle. The Eagles, my Eagles (you're not the boss of me) pulled off the win of the mothergrabbin century yesterday evening.

It was in the final moments of the game (that no network on the east coast saw fit to televise, which held the coveted top seat of the NFC East, that I spent the better part of yelling at my ESPN ScoreCenter app on my phone) when DeSean Jackson's 65 yard punt return put the Eagles at 10-4 and gave them the coveted big piece of chicken at the head of the NFC East table.

What can I say? It was the comeback story of the year. I just wish that I could have actually seen the damn game instead of watching the Colts and Jaguars. I ought to march down to FOX and kick the fuck out of whoever decided this lineup. Why in the world would you decide not to play a game that important on network TV on the east coast? I almost had a coronary cause of you whomever you are.

I do have a question though. Who was the idiot who kicked off to DeSean Jackson? No seriously, who said to themselves "I'm going to kick it to the fastest little boy in the NFL. Oh wait I know who it was, it was you.

This genius laying spread eagle *snicker* is Matt Dodge. His super smart coach Tom Coughlin had instructed him to kick the ball out of bounds. That worked well. I am sure there was a meeting shortly after that game.

So speaking of my team, lets talk about them shall we? I'm going to start with Vick, who for all intents and purposes has been doing really great things with his time in Philly. I think he just needed to have the opportunity to try. In the lead for Pro Bowl votes, putting up crazy numbers passing and scoring and not to mention he has been unwilling to complain or cry about some of those decidedly fucked up plays that have caused him certain or possible injury. BTW, we can get into the debate about whether or not you think that he has the same protection a Manning, Brady or even Rivers has out there another time. I know where I stand on it but that's neither here nor there.

So, I know what you are going to say. "But Avin he killed dogs" and I will say yes, I agree with you on that proven fact. Then you will say "but there is no way that we should allow him to live or breath after spending two years in the pen and basically making no money in the NFL for this and the next however many seasons while he repays his debt." And to that I will say "look, do I approve of what he did? Nope. Do I think that there are some fundamental cultural differences in his upbringing that didn't alert him to this as reprehensible? Yep.

So, I am not excusing it. I am however applauding the fact that he has chosen to own his crimes and do something about them in the face of the public. I haven't seen R. Kelly admit to peeing on 14 year olds or Ben Rothelsberger admit to sexually assaulting teen girls, doesn't stop y'all from coppin that album or swinging that towel so STFU about Vick. At least he actually seems sorry.

Next up, DeSean. Dear sweet DeSean. My sweet little (and I do mean little) 24 year old prodigy. I am thankful for your presence on the Eagles every Sunday, Monday and Thursday you play. I am filled with team spirit every time I see you run down the field to score and I cheer for your every silly little touchdown celebration.
How.mother.fucking.ever. I feel the need to scold you on a repeated basis for your ignorant ass behavior. When we won last week you sort of irritated me cause you wouldn't let Michael Vick do his after game interview. You were all in the shot like Diddy used to be back in the day (oh wait, he is still all in the shot, never mind) and poor Mike was just trying to answer the questions. Here you are throwin up gang signs in the back acting like a 12 year old. Then you got a chance to talk.

(Long deep exasperated sigh) I said then "he is young, and excited and its okay". So I mention on twitter how happy I am about the win and one of my Eagle fan friends says to me "Yeah, but I don't ever want DeSean to act like that again in life". Being the Stan I am, defended him and proceed to follow his tweets. Partly because I knew how excited he was, and partly because he reminds me of a considerably smaller, less attractive version of my 17 year old son. True story.

Anyway, fast forward to me having to hear from someone on Fox's sports commentator panel announcing the Eagles win. They cut to the game winning touchdown and there is DeSean. Running his little tiny yellow heart out, and the end zone is feet away, and this (breathe Avin) child...this child runs away from the end zone and then back in to win the game.

Two things went through my mind at that moment. Thank you sweet minty Jesus for that win and what would have happened if he dropped that ball or god forbid someone caught up with him in time to tackle his crazy monkey ass?? I think the whole of Philadelphia would have been waiting for his return to dismember him. He says (or they say, or some damn body said) that he did it to run the clock out, but I know showboating when I see it. I didn't make it this far without knowing when you are trying to get your shine on instead of doing what you are supposed to do. So of course I check twitter and he starts sending these tweets after the game that make me want to choke him. Sigh.

I say all this to put out in the air that I need him to grow up quickly. No one is questioning your talent, but you are annoying and you make me want to hurt you. Less talking, less tweeting, less stunting and more catching and running. that's it.

Okay, enough with the football. My mother just informed me that Christmas dinner will include 28 people this year and one very important quasi relative. My stupid ass step-brother. Seriously, why me? What would be the purpose in having him there? Lord I have been patient and kind this year in the face of adversity (and you know who and what I am talking about) so why would you set him up to be cussed out at Christmas time? That just doesn't seem fair to me. Here's wishing for another Christmas miracle that makes him go poof and disappear from my presence on Christmas day. I am just glad my man is coming. He has already been alerted to the fuckery and has been waiting a lengthy period of time to crack someones face for them. I sure hope Step-Conartist stays in his lane. Could be embarrassing.
Happy Holidays!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Bitch are you crazy?

I've seen some pretty bold things in my day. I've seen all types of people talk slick and attempt to get away with it. I've seen folks pretend they aren't throwing shade when they clearly are and I've seen some pretty blatant attempts at presenting fuckery as genuine however, never in all my years have I heard of something this bold. The honorable (and I use that term as loosley as I do when describing Nikki Minaj as a rapper) Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas wife Virginia "Ginni" Lamp Thomas lost her mind and got real reckless last week. In some misguided folly, Mrs. Thomas decided that 19 years was just too long to sit quiet and picked up her flip phone (come on you know all know that old batch got a jitterbug flip phone) and dialed up Anita Hill.

Write for your audiance Avin. First, I forget that some of yall were still in diapers when this went down. My baby neice who was born in 91 is now almost twenty and has a child and a husband. My son wasnt even thought of, and my boyfriend was 10 (yeah I like em young so what?) so lets take it back.

Back before the black community started referring to Justice Thomas as Uncle Clarence Thomas on a fulltime and regular basis. This crazy negro was chairman of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Anita Hill worked with/for him and spent an inordinate amount of time fending off repeated advances and other acts of workplace fuckery. Some of which were graphic recountings of hardcore pornography, and asking his female coworkers about their breast size. There was also some random ass foolishness about pubic hairs and coke cans. So when the Thomas confirmation hearings began, all of this came to light. Even crazier was the fact that he was presenting himself as some sort of ultra conservative with a lily white wife. He likened it to some sort of high tech lynching. I dont have a clue what was high tech about anything in 1991 with the exception of the Sony Discman but hey, you call it dancing I call it shuffling. Mind you, I was only 15 so even my memory on all this is a little hazy. I was way too interested in De La Soul, herringbone chains and Champion sweatshirts. You want more info, google it.

Now, maybe you are thinking that after all these years Ginni wanted to bury the hatchet and offer Ms. Hill an olive branch. You sadly would be incorrect. Mrs. Thomas in her infinite wisdom made that call for one reason and one reason only. To ask the woman who suffered untold amounts of public humiliation at the hands of her crazy ass husband for an apology. In fact, here is the exact message she left:

“I would love you to consider an apology sometime and some full explanation of why you did what you did with my husband. So give it some thought and certainly pray about this and come to understand why you did what you did. OK, have a good day.”

That sound you just heard was the collective WTF from every black woman in the nation. First, let's talk about the logistics of this here call. Ms. Hill, a professor of social policy, law, and women's studies at Brandeis University received this call on her work voicemail. Now I don't know about you but I can not even fathom someone calling me on my job to solicit a donation much less an apology. This is my damn place of business. If it's not work related you better stay the hell off my phone. Second, the context of this call should have been enough to send Ms. Hill downstairs to her car to remove her jewelry and Vaseline her situation before taking a road trip to beat the brakes off this bold ass bitch. Third, in what alternate universe does Ginni Thomas live in that would suggest to her it would be a grand ass idea to ask the woman her husband sexually harassed for an apology?

Now, to Ms. Hills credit she didn't gather her homegirls and ride on that bitch. No, she simply listened to the message and turned the recording over to the police. Kudos to her for displaying both class and professionalism during what I can only imagine was a very stressful and crazy incident. Had that been me, you, my momma, your momma, Janice down at the post office, Ke-Ke in accounting or Barbara who works the desk at your hairdresser we'd have all been in jail right now or at least the lead story on the 11 o'clock news.

I don't know what would posess this obviously batty old white biddy to lose her mind like this but I sense it might be two things. One, she is attempting to put the spotlight on her new found profession in the Tea-bagger game. Thomas started a nonprofit tea-party affiliated lobbying group, Liberty Central, to organize conservative activists, issue score cards for Congress members, and be involved in elections. The group is aimed at opposing what she has refered to as the leftist "tyranny" of President Obama and Congressional Democrats. Or two she honestly is as fucked up and nutso as her husband. See I do remember her slightly from those hearings. Looking dowdy and brainwashed standing there supporting this husband who clearly wasnt the person she so desperately needed to believe in. She was sad. Look at her little milquetoast dress and tragic little haircut.

It was 91 but theres no excuse. Let me show you some picks of my momma at that time. It wasnt a game.

So, after shaking my head in disbelief over this nonsensical nonsense I discussed this with my man, my mother and my roommate. My man said that it's clear that Mrs. Thomas is some sort of bare-knuckle boxing champ the likes of Cain Velasquez because she would have to know she was the baddest bitch in town to pull a stunt like that on a black woman and not wind up dead. After I stopped laughing I knew that couldnt be it.

My mother simply chalked it up to the hype surrounding her teabag aspirations. She also said that if Uncle Clarence had any sense he was somewhere thunking the shit out of Ginni for boiling this shit back up to the surface. Yes, Clarence we had almost forgot about you up there chillin in the highest court in the land. Well...I had anyway.

My roommate (who is biracial half black and white) said that Mrs. Thomas was "a stupid white bitch" (her words not mine people) and that this shows the type of blind devotion to her man that only a white woman could have. She also added thats the reason she lets black men know up front that her momma is black in case they wanna get it twisted and think they got them a tan Becky to push around.

Truth be told some black men who like white women do so because they like the subservient nature and blind dedication that some of these women bestow upon their men. Is it politically correct to say that? No. Do we all talk about it? Hell yes. Black men have said it time and time again. They are tired of the drama and loud mouths that come with black women and they opt for lighter (pun intended) alternative. The chatter amongst us black women though is that nine times out of ten the black men that prefer white women wouldn't register on our radars anyway so it's no huge loss. I mean look at Clarence. You wouldnt want him and that tidbit only strengthened my belief in Anita Hill's story. She was young and attractive then, and though not young anymore she is still pretty fly.

Thomas on the other hand. Well just look at him.

No wonder you had to sexually harrass someone.
In any event, what do you think caused Virginia Thomas to take leave of her senses and call Anita Hill? I personally feel like its two fold. Part tea-bag crap and part heaping helping of salty ass hate. They seem happy dont they....Dear God 2.0 indeed.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Live Fast and Die Young

Yeah I know, just go on and give me the "where the fuck you been" look and lets keep it moving. My life is busy. Yes I say that every time I reemerge and peep my head out to type a few lines on this thing. Truth is truth, I am busy. Okay I am not THAT busy but I do have another new job that I am attempting to learn and another boatload of fun responsibilities. The good news is that with the exception of my roommate's funny money situations fucking up the Internet payments nothing should prevent me from getting on here and typing out the equivalent of a hot 16. Or a lukewarm 16 whatever.

Things are good I guess. I mean my job is some craziness but its a damn sight better than that place I was before. I think I may have actually harmed someone there if I had to stay any longer. The boy is a senior now. Still driving me insane, still doing dumb shit but now he does dumb shit with a beard. He is lazy as shit and I spend more time fussing at him about doing things than he actually spends doing the thing I fuss at him about. He is still a good kid though, he is just a boy. I expect this kind of behavior out of boys at this age.

Who knew back when everyone was looking down on me for being an unwed teen mother that my son might actually grow up and graduate from high school with college aspirations? Oh and fuck every last one of you who talked shit about me or acted like my IQ went down for having a baby at 17. I still see some of you bitches around town and I hope you enjoy being fat...again fuck you.

That said, I have a new roommate. There are too many things I want to say about that but I just cant get myself worked up on that level right now. Unless I gave birth to you, purchased you or married you there wont be anyone else living with me ever again. I am not stable and I cant take it. People talking to me in the morning, suggesting shit, moving things, not paying for shit. Too much uh uh nope cant do it.

So you know there is a man lol. I haven't had much success talking about men on this thing so I wont. He is wonderful that's all Imma say, and I love his dog. They both make me very happy and keep me from going to jail. Its nice.

Other than that you know the drill. Dieting as usual (I am beginning to think that's all you do after 30) paying bills, and making observations about the world around me. We have to talk about football this season and my exit from that place of employment. We MUST talk about some of my favorite shows like DWTS and Glee as well as Hawaii 5-0 and this season's Ultimate Fighter. We need to discuss some of the garbage that's hit the airwaves since I disappeared and some of the good stuff and great concerts Ive been to this year. We also have to talk about the serious stuff too like politics, race and parenting.

But mostly, we just have to talk and not run 100 miles an hour. No more living fast and dying young lol.

They say we can't be livin' like this for the rest of our lives
Well, we gon' be livin' like this for the rest of tonight
And you know they gon' be bangin' this shit for rest of our lives
So live fast and die young, live fast and die young, live fast and die young