Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Rescue Me Spoiler Alert!!

Okay so if you watch Rescue Me last night you were as floored as I was by Janet's "New Boyfriend" and if you didn’t see it stop reading right now and keep it moving cause I am about to tell it.

Not O'Reily!! How she gonna be sleeping with O'Reily?? (I refuse to call Dean Winters by his Rescue Me name just like I refuse to call Adebisi "Mr. Eko" on LOST. Everyone from OZ keeps their old name. Det. Stabler is always going to be Keller and Johnny Gavin is always going to be Ryan O'Reily)

So how about that shit! Talk about a twist. I think Tommy is going to lose his mind once he finds out. Basically, O’Reily has privileged information and not to mention he is practically Tommy’s confidant. I can’t figure out who I am more disgusted by, Janet or O’Reily. The funny part is the kids seem to be completely cool with it, cause they aint telling Tommy shit. Tommy can kiss that “future sobriety” mess goodbye. First the priest brother with the predilection for young boys, now your other brother is screwing your wife/ex-wife. Not to mention your whacked out sister (Tatum O'Neal) is banging that dumb ass co-worker boy Garrity. Tommy gets a hold of that info (which it looks like he might just do per the "tune in next week" part of the show last night) Garrity is a dead man. I seriously love this show, but I gotta admit there are a few shows I missed last season, so I am all out of the loop on how Sheila got away from the abusive Lesbo, and I don’t really know why the hell Laura is gone either. Thanks to my trusty Tivo, that will never happen again.

Oh I almost forgot, before I watched RM, I watched Last Comic Standing. Some of those folks are hysterical. Others…not so much. I am rooting for a few whose names I can’t remember at this very moment, but if they make it through the next round I’ll mention them here. The redhead with the whore joke is worth mentioning for sure. Get this, I see Michael Collier as one of the hopefulls and he doesn’t get picked? What the fuck is that? That guy is on my TV set every night on ComicView. Who would have guessed a show on BET doesn’t pay well? Imagine that.

Well I wish I had more to discuss, but that was the highlight of my evening.
Later people.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006


I just wanted to add that I hate coming back to work after a 3 day weekend.
Its hard to get started and even harder to keep moving.

Its 90 trillion degrees outside today
My hair looks like a ch-ch-ch-chia!
Lychee may taste good but it causes sores in your mouth
Bowie is the white trash capital of Maryland
I ate a bag of Andy Capp Hot Fries
I want to go buy MAC makeup and shoes for the rest of the evening
I get off at 5:30
Porkrind never showed up, thank god!
My new favorite songs are Kick Push by Lupe Fiasco, Holla at me Baby by DJ Khaled, Hustlin by Rick Ross, and Why ya wanna by T.I.
I was supposed to go get gas at lunch and didnt
I was supposed to go to the bank at lunch and didnt
The guy in the office next to me is trying unsuccessfuly to grow a beard
The guy in the office next to me must be colorblind cause he wears lots of yellow, pink and green
and finally, no matter what a stripper tells you, there is no sex in the Champagne Room

Memorial Day Weekend

Time to update this thing and boy do I have a story to tell today.

I am going to skip out on the LOST commentary but I do have a few TV related points to make.

PLEASE people quit bitching cause all of the islands questions werent answered. It would be called the series finale if they told you everything, not season finale. If you hate the show that much then stop watching it. Quit fucking it up for the rest of us that like a good mystery.

The Deadliest Catch on Discovery is one of my new favorite shows. Not cause I like fishing, and not cause I find fishermen remotely sexy in any way shape or form. No, its cause that show is just so damn interesting. I dont know how they made a show about crabbing out in Alaska remotely entertaining, but they did it.

The season premiere of Rescue Me starts tonight! I already set the season pass on the Tivo.

So you think you can dance is back....You know, I tried to discuss this show once before on this blog and I just couldnt do it. So I am attempting yet again to make sense of this shit. First off, where do these people come from? I mean I know I say the same shit about the American Idol hopefulls, but seriously unless youve had formal training, where do you get off thinking you can do the Foxtrot on national TV? Second, is there some sort of prize or notariaty that comes with winning? I havent seen the winner from last year dancing anywhere. I've seen Charles Grigsby, Niko Smith and Mandisa more times than Ive ever seen the winner boy from SYTYCD and Shit, he didnt even get a guest spot on Dancing with the stars! How prestigous can this competition be?? I am just confused. However I am mildly entertained enough to keep watching. Besides I have to see if the lil alcoholic boy relapses. If so they can put him on A&E's intervention and maybe he will gain some celebrity..but it wont be from this shit, TRUST.

Finally, I get to discuss my Memorial Day weekend and the cookout that almost turned into an episode of cops. It starts with my idea to have a mini cook out at my mothers place (cause she has the grill, the pool, and the patio enclosure, oh and the money for food) with me and the boy and the man and mom and dad. The man suggests that we go to the DC Wharf to pick up some crabs for our lil event. So, at 6:45 am Sunday morning I am filling up on caffinated water and ephedra diet pills and driving to the watefront. After much haggling (I dont do that shit, I leave it to the man) we got a 1/2 bushel of live jumbo males for $106. Now, I am siced cause I get to cook crabs which I havent done in years.

Mom and I spend the rest of the morning cooking and preparing the other food, cause if you know anything about crabs, you know that they arent really food. They are good, but you would have to eat the whole bushel yourself in order to get halfway full, and even then you would be hungry again inside of an hour.

I run out to grab a few last minute items, and when I return my step sister and her family are there. Apparantly they were invited as well. Now I dont dislike my stepsister, I mean she is alright if you like the completly spinless, refuses to do anything to her nappy ass head, pickaninny braided, no cooking skills having, let your husband spend up your money and order you around type. Her kids are alright I guess, if you like the whiney competitive type where they only eat rich folks food. Frankly I aint even gonna sugar-coat the husband. He is a former drug addict, current alcoholic with a nepoleon complex who looks like someone hit him in the face with a rubber mallet and a bag of nickels.

I return from the store to Pande-motherfuckin-monium! This short fat asshole is trying to cook my damn crabs. Not only is this fuck trying to cook them, but he is trying to BOIL them. All at once! In one fucking pot. My hundredandsixfucking dollar blue crabs! I told him to go fuck himself he aint put in on shit! Suddenly I am the bad guy! I am trying to fuck up the cookout cause I dont want my damn expensive ass crabs bobbing in water. I am being hushed and being told its "Okay". Pardon the fuck out of me but no its not OKAY! Fuck him and I dont care if he gets mad. Anyone with an ounce of sense knows you steam crabs not boil them you fucking drunk midget! When I got no support from the rest of the family, I bounced. I knew it was either going to get bloody and ugly real fast or I was gonna have to go. So I grabbed my keys threw the boyfriend the duece and rolled.

Half an hour later I come back, and my shit is boiling on the stove and I aint saying shit. You want Avin to shut the fuck up, then thats what she will do. I am not helping any of you fuck up my shit anymore. Needless to say the crabs were soggy and fucked up. Each one poured its own personal river when you opened it. No words can convey how pissed off I was about that shit.
So I made myself a solemn promise. When next I am in the company of that short fat fuck, I am going to make him a nice tall glass of Dieter's Iced Tea. You may have got me once asshole, but it will never happen again. Next time you do anything I dont particularly care for, I am going for your throat.

So thats that, another fun filled weekend where I try not to kill someone. Hope yours was better than mine. In fact, I would love to hear from anyone who's weekend yielded an actual fight. And no I dont mean the Hughes vs Gracie debacle Saturday night and may I say a big WTF to that!
Later folks.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Trying Harder...Day 1

So, in an effort to get my shit together on this blog thing, I have decided its a good idea to address each of the topics that I brought up in "I'm Terrible" over the course of a few days, or until I get tired and Pork Rind gives me more of her work to do. Oh and YES I will be discussing Ms. Carey and her fashion or lack thereof, but not in this particular posting. Here is the letter I just wrote to the Devine Ms. O. or as we underlings call her Oprah. I wanted to say something about the Legend's Ball/Weekend special that was on Monday night. Oh and a big fuck you to Dubya for making me wait an entire week to see it so he could talk about shooting the immigrants back into Mexico. Anywho, here's the letter.

Dear Oprah,

I wanted to write and let you know how much your Legend's special meant to me. I am going to try not to cry as I write this, since I am about to go into a meeting in a minute. I was moved to tears from the moment your guests started arriving. Not only was I in awe of the legends, but I was inspired by the "Youngins" you chose to carry on and continue their traditions. I was most pleased to see that black women of all colors were represented, because being a light skinned black woman, I think that sometimes people don’t consider us "black enough". I don’t mean you Oprah, I just mean sometimes black folks have a tough time recognizing other black folks as black. I am beginning to ramble, but I just wanted to let you know how inspiring and amazing your special was and I feel like the world got to see that black women really do love each other, and we really do want to see each other succeed. Thank you so much and I hope you put the special on DVD so that we may all watch it again and again.

I wanted to tell her how some of them crab ass hating bitches on the board were talkin shit about it and how these triflin ho's are the reason I felt like I had to write the letter in the first place, but I wasnt trying to put a negative spin on the situation. I also should have asked about getting a copy of that picture they took, but I thought that would surely land my letter into "File 13". Well gotta go, Lost is on tonight and I plan to discuss all of the crazy quirks, turns and general scary bullshit I watched when I log on tomorrow.

Oprah's Lemon Martini's for everyone! See ya!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

I’m terrible

I am a terrible spiteful, evil thing for neglecting my own blog for the safety and hilarity of others. I have committed whole blocks of time to the reading of my beloved “gossip rags” and yet every time I think about my poor excuse for a blog I cringe.
Why when I have a wealth of opportunity and material working here at this job. Why when I could discuss such great topics as my new fat boss and her many nicknames. *sidebar* just know that if its pork related, it’s her I am referring to. I could discuss my best friend and her new business as she has gone and appointed me her “MAC Cosmetic’s Correspondent” Somehow she manages to update her blog every stinking day. I could discuss Oprah’s Legend’s Ball/Weekend and how I fought back tears just watching the damn thing and no I don’t give a damn that Mariah’s naked again thank you! Just watch the show and shut up. I could go over all of my favorite show’s season-enders and how my addiction to LOST has now infected my boyfriend. I still can’t visit those eerie ass websites though. Some shit is too much even for me. I could chat about my oh so hum drum life and how I am feuding with my apartment people for like the 50-11th time in 5 years because everything in my apartment is broken including the ceiling. Perhaps I could regale you with stories of my super cute pup Maddie or my super crazy mother Carolyn or my super mental boyfriend?
I could discuss all these things at length every stinking day; however I choose to waste my life away reading blog after blog about celebrities I will never meet or know. These are e-people who have taken both the time and the energy to make my life a little more joyous by showing me pictures of Britney Spears falling, and Golden Brooks looking like the Chronicles of Noyadidnt. I am particularly embarrassed to report that while I have done zero updating since my bout with nicotine and my parting of ways with a former friend who shall remain nameless, I have actually been irritated when my favorite blogs haven’t been updated in a timely manner. The NERVE of me, I mean really! So here I sit, trying to discuss what could would or should be entertaining in the life of a woman working in the Maryland burbs. I can think of NOTHING. All I can think about is how I want to go home, how I wish I hadn’t read all my favorite blogs so damn early in the day, and how I hope Pork Belly doesn’t need me to do anything else this evening before I leave, and how I wish that my body looked remotely like this.

Damn you Furtado! Here I sit looking like a bag of Idaho Gold’s and you have the audacity to be thin! I am gonna overdose on tuna and Asian Salad from McDonalds.
Oh and MySpace is the EmmEffing Devil. I boycott it! I don’t believe in it, support it or acknowledge its existence. If I were able I would “crush it like a jelly bean” a la LL Cool J’s I’m bad video. Anti-Christ I tell you. I gotta go, looking at those pictures is starting to piss me off again.