Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The Good Life

I have that Kanye West song on repeat everywhere. Its on my radio, on my iPhone, its in my head and on my mind every day. What a difference a few months can make. I try not to get myself too bogged down by life most times, but I have to admit that since right before my homegirls wedding life really had me going through it. If you read this thing you have a pretty good idea of what I was trying to handle. I have a real bad habit of thinking that I alone can take on the entire world, be super mom, super girlfriend, super homegirl, super daughter, and super employee all in one. No task too great, no problem too difficult to solve. Well folks, lets just say that I knew something was horribly wrong when people started to avoid my office for fear they might catch me crying....again.

I seriously cried every day, for over a month. Every.single.last.day. It was mostly happening in the office though, which was causing people to peek around the corner to check and see if I was in the middle of creating my own personal river before they came to talk to me. I also gave the hell up on all types of eye makeup. I just cant afford to cry off $22 Dior Show mascara every damn day, I mean its just not cost effective.

Needless to say, my friends were instrumental in getting me to realize what was going on, and that I was just dealing with too much at once. Everyone has a limit, and I had reached mine. So for once, at the constant prodding of my friends and family members, I decided to do the unthinkable and put me first. Gasp! I know I was shocked too, and trust me I fought back, but between the unexplained pains up my whole left side, not being able to eat solid food for almost a month and having severe panic attacks to the point where I was beginning to fear driving, I conceded defeat and just stopped fighting it.

It hasn't been easy, I mean I have had big things on my plate, like my year check up to make sure those pesky pre-cancerous cells hadn't returned. Trying to purchase a condo for me and my son to live in, after staying with my parents for the last year. Trying to manage a super difficult job where things were getting harder and harder to handle and of course, relationship issues on top of it all.

Well, I sit here typing a little wiser, a lot stronger and with the greatest news that I can possibly impart. I am cancer free, I settled on my condo yesterday and best of all I got a new job! A new job that I am so hopeful about. It seems so tailor made for me and I cant wait to hit the ground running. Not only that, but I was so worried that while staying at my current job (which I was told had a lot to do with my inability to eat or sleep) paying for my mortgage would make me pretty much the poorest person alive. Not only will I be able to comfortably pay my mortgage, but there will even be a Christmas for my son this year. This means more to me than you can imagine.

I also started taking Yoga classes to try and get a handle on all this stress. The only issue is that now I am leaving my job and I have to find a new instructor. My gym offers it, but its in the middle of the day and well we all know I cant do that. I will just have to find a way to make time for it because I really think its important.

There are still things that I have to work on, like trying not to take on the world. There are still issues that I feel are unresolved and may never be, but I do know that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and maybe its only just a little, but that's enough to keep me reaching forward. I really feel like without the help of a few key people these things would still feel so insurmountable, but I am glad to say that Ive been able to get by with a little help from my friends. You know who you are.

Its the good life, better than the life I lived when I thought that I was gonna go crazy. Sing it T-Pain!

Thursday, November 15, 2007


Sometimes life will throw you for a loop and its hard to get back on track. What I am going to do is try. I had a very weird dream last night and woke up thinking "This is completely insane, look at yourself" and thats just what I did. I looked at myself long and hard in the mirror this morning. I promised myself that I would do better and that I would feel better.

So on the long rainy ride into work this morning I started thinking about all the things that make me feel better. I got a danish, I got my coffee, I popped in Lil John and I sang along. I plan to have sushi for lunch. I am going to hit the gym after work and I am going to try to get it together once and for all. I am going to spend time with my kid and I am going to let my friends make me laugh. I am going to make a phonecall that needs to be made and try to get back what I've lost.

Tomorrow isnt promised so I am going to live like today is the last day, dance like no one is watching and correct the mistakes I make before they snowball out of control because what doesnt kill me makes me stronger.

Thanks Kanye

Friday, November 09, 2007

Flashing Lights

You ever feel like you got a sign? Not one of those "This is the Lord talking" type signs. I just mean a little flashing red light. One that indicates.....well trouble. Two days ago I got one of those signs. Its never all that bad if the sign is just something like "I left the iron on" or "damn I forgot to feed the dog this morning". Okay that iron thing could be a problem, but really who hasn't done that?

The problem comes when your flashing light is about a friend. See, for some folks everyone is their friend. You know the type, acquaintances, coworkers, bus drivers, the guy at the gas station, the lady at the nail shop every damn body. I am not one of those people. I select my friends very carefully. Sometimes I haven't chosen well but typically the people I call my friends have been with me a long time. It takes a lot for me to add you to the fold. You have to be kind, honest and giving amongst other things but mostly I have to be able to trust you. Trust is absolutely number one in my book and once its gone it is damn near impossible to regain.

So, what is the payoff for being my friend you ask? Complete and total friendship loyalty. This means that no matter how great or small the problem, task or situation I will be there. I will hold your hand when you are scared, and I will drive to your house in the middle of the night and feed you chocolate if you are sad, or soup if you are sick. I will bail you out either financially or legally (but only on a pay week) and I will come get you from just about anywhere you might be stranded, drunk, depressed or just generally fucked up anytime day or night. I will laugh with you, cry with you, and help you push your kid out into the world.

I will eat with you, celebrate with you and even attempt to lose weight with you if need be. I will remind you how wonderful you are, how pretty you are and that no man worth his salt would ever make you sad. I will stand up for you, lie for you and even help you plot revenge against those who wrong you. You can trust me with your deepest secrets no matter how awful you think they might make you seem, and I will understand when I don't hear from you for weeks or months because you are embarrassed that you've made the wrong decision...again. I will help you write a love letter, a resignation or one of my famous "hit the curb" letters anytime you ask. I will defend you to the end, I will knuckle up for you and I will threaten to hurt, maim or cut others on your behalf. I will also give you the gods honest truth about a situation if you really want me to call it...but only if you ask.

I am serious about friendship and anyone who I call a friend knows these things about me so it hurts me when I realize that someone I call a friend has broken my trust. Someone I thought was a good friend hurt me today. I wont get into the hows or whys but when that little flashing red light went off, I was instantly angry, then I was ashamed and then I was just sad. I was really so disappointed in the person I called my friend but more than that I was disappointed in myself, because I really felt like I had chosen this person wisely, and their actions said otherwise.

I am not too proud to say that I didn't take it well. I felt underestimated, slighted, used, played for a fool and downright betrayed. It sucks and I was reminded by another very good friend that people who care about you don't treat you that way. So, as I sit here, typing this out, trying to make sense of what just happened I wonder if I give too much of myself to those who I call friends. Then I realized that all the things I've listed that I would do for my friends, they would also do for me, and have done for me. Without questioning or judging or thinking less of me. Like today very good friend Tandis brought me tissues when she knew I was too embarrassed to leave my desk with tears streaming down my face.

So thank you, Dia and Tandis for reminding me that I am strong, and that it makes no sense to cry off $22 mascara. Thank you for bringing me tissues, and cake that you knew I wasn't going to eat but that's beside the point. Thank you for quoting Jay-Z and Baby Boy and even Bad Boy's 1 in order to get me to laugh again. Most of all thank you for reminding me that true friendship exists. I love you both oh and please don't get into any trouble cause its not a pay week.