A Champion top and a cherry push pop
Bury me in 93, nothin more nothin less,
When I get where I'm goin, I just gotta be fresh
Okay okay maybe I am being a touch dramatic, but if you had seen what I saw last night, you might recite Young Jeezy lyrics too. Last night I witnessed something so heartbreaking that I may never recover. Sit a spell and let me tell you about it.
So "the boy" and I have been home alone for the last few days while the old folks jaunt across the Mediterranean by cruise ship. I am sure they are having a blast. Me and the boy are actually having a blast too, its called peace and quiet. Since the wedding I have been attempting to catch up on my reality TV. I missed a lot, and I have to apologize for promising to review SYTYCD this year and totally giving up mid season but I hear Sabre won and deserved it.
I've been a bit on the stressed out side and trying to lose an enormous amount of weight in a really short period of time. I was going to write about the "dress debacle" while it was occurring but I figured Dia might read it and have a panic attack. Long story short, since February I have gone from 175lbs to 150lbs. That last 5-10 being the hardest to budge and though its not right, I went on a starvation diet for two weeks. The dress fit, and I stopped living in the gym and off tomato, cheese, water, red bull and apples. Don't try that at home kids. There is nothing cute about hypoglycemic attacks while driving...trust me.
Anyway, I am getting sidetracked (its probably residual hunger) so back to my reality TV catch up. Last night I watched one of the Rock of Love episodes (highly recommended reality filth) and this new show came on behind it. Mission: Man Band.
Now I had heard about this show in passing, but I didn't know who the hell was on it or really what the hell it was about. I know yall think I spend my whole life memorizing rap lyrics and watching trash TV but really there is more to me than that. Well, after that diet there isnt much of anything left of me so I will just stick to the topic. While I was busy sitting around cursing these damn acrylic tips and trying press and curl a head full of bonded Yaki #4, I realize that the boys (excuse me Men) on this show used to be real life performers.
We have Chris Kirkpatrick from NSync, the kid who wasn't the Lachey brothers or the funny looking kid from 98 Degrees, The guy who sang that one annoying song about girl and Abercrombie from LFO and some fat guy in a hat with a beard. Who the hell is that exactly???
So I paid it no mind, kept on flat iron curling the nonsense on my head when I hear them start talking about the fat kid and drinking. Seriously WHO IS THAT GUY??
That's when I got out my trusty iPhone (yes I bought one, don't judge me the bible says not to) and started trying to Wiki this Mission Man Band show, when suddenly I heard the guy's name. Bryan Abrams. Shit, I know that guy, why do I know that guy I am thinking and suddenly, they flash on his face and it hits me like Blake hits Amy Winehouse at 4am.
OH SHIT! That's BRYAN.
Yeah so you are lost right now, but I am seriously still traumatized by my revelation. Bryan is the Bryan of Mark, Bryan, Kevin and Sam Color Me Badd fame. The same Bryan that I spent countless hours drooling over and taping pictures of next to my shrine of Mark Wahlberg in high school. The Bryan that I would probably have stepped over any man (maybe not Marky Mark) to get to just for a few bars of "I Adore Mi Amore".
Coincidentally I had a boyfriend who attempted to sing that song once and almost ruined it for me forever. Thanks a lot Jason Swoyer wherever your ass is. Never mind the fact that I still have the original Color Me Badd CD in heavy rotation on my iPod and still remember all the words to "All For Love" and "Thinkin Back" (okay you see my devotion right) I mean I never gave a damn about the other members of the group, but let me assure you that if Bryan had a fan, it was me.
Yes he came in on my list right under Mark and Jon B (lawd dont get me started) so you know it was serious.
Why am I all hyped up and heartbroken (yes I think I can safely say its heartbreak) about all this. Well let me hip you to a few photos. This was the Bryan I knew and loved back in 93.
And this is the Bryan of 2007's Mission Man Band:
They sorta got him cleaned up for the promo shots but I mean damn is this really better?
Seriously, why am I the last to know everything? Why didn't anyone say something to me about this? Or did no one else know? Just call me on the phone, send me a damn text or something and explain it to me. I mean I am reasonable. It seriously took me half an hour to close my mouth. Then I had to call The Makeup Girl and tell her to turn it on. We just sat in stunned silence. I mean, it was just too much for my head full of weave to process.
I know that not everyone stays the same size forever. I am WELL aware of that fact. I also understand he has had some pretty hard times, some alcoholism, a couple baby mommas and a stint working in a tire shop. I will give him the tire thing, Suzy tells me that they are no bullshit and all she did was truck them from one end of the building to the other.
So now they are a band called Sureshot, which is okay with me I mean....I am a touch too old for boy bands (but for some reason not too old to crank dat soulja boy in a public place) but you know how I feel about reality TV. As long as it doesn't get in the way of Lobster Wars and Anchorwoman (how the fuck did this get cancelled so fast???) I will be okay. Besides there isnt shit on right now, all my shows are on hiatus, and I cant keep watching Ninja Warrior and old UFC matches, its giving me strange ideas and we all know I am not stable. I certainly hope that they can get Bryan to drop a few pounds. I mean I might still have a place in my tiny cold little heart for him.
In the words of Fresh from Crunk & Disorderly "Please put Bryan on the tippy top of your prayer list". We want you to know we do it All 4 Love Bryan.