Flashing Lights

You ever feel like you got a sign? Not one of those "This is the Lord talking" type signs. I just mean a little flashing red light. One that indicates.....well trouble. Two days ago I got one of those signs. Its never all that bad if the sign is just something like "I left the iron on" or "damn I forgot to feed the dog this morning". Okay that iron thing could be a problem, but really who hasn't done that?

The problem comes when your flashing light is about a friend. See, for some folks everyone is their friend. You know the type, acquaintances, coworkers, bus drivers, the guy at the gas station, the lady at the nail shop every damn body. I am not one of those people. I select my friends very carefully. Sometimes I haven't chosen well but typically the people I call my friends have been with me a long time. It takes a lot for me to add you to the fold. You have to be kind, honest and giving amongst other things but mostly I have to be able to trust you. Trust is absolutely number one in my book and once its gone it is damn near impossible to regain.

So, what is the payoff for being my friend you ask? Complete and total friendship loyalty. This means that no matter how great or small the problem, task or situation I will be there. I will hold your hand when you are scared, and I will drive to your house in the middle of the night and feed you chocolate if you are sad, or soup if you are sick. I will bail you out either financially or legally (but only on a pay week) and I will come get you from just about anywhere you might be stranded, drunk, depressed or just generally fucked up anytime day or night. I will laugh with you, cry with you, and help you push your kid out into the world.

I will eat with you, celebrate with you and even attempt to lose weight with you if need be. I will remind you how wonderful you are, how pretty you are and that no man worth his salt would ever make you sad. I will stand up for you, lie for you and even help you plot revenge against those who wrong you. You can trust me with your deepest secrets no matter how awful you think they might make you seem, and I will understand when I don't hear from you for weeks or months because you are embarrassed that you've made the wrong decision...again. I will help you write a love letter, a resignation or one of my famous "hit the curb" letters anytime you ask. I will defend you to the end, I will knuckle up for you and I will threaten to hurt, maim or cut others on your behalf. I will also give you the gods honest truth about a situation if you really want me to call it...but only if you ask.

I am serious about friendship and anyone who I call a friend knows these things about me so it hurts me when I realize that someone I call a friend has broken my trust. Someone I thought was a good friend hurt me today. I wont get into the hows or whys but when that little flashing red light went off, I was instantly angry, then I was ashamed and then I was just sad. I was really so disappointed in the person I called my friend but more than that I was disappointed in myself, because I really felt like I had chosen this person wisely, and their actions said otherwise.

I am not too proud to say that I didn't take it well. I felt underestimated, slighted, used, played for a fool and downright betrayed. It sucks and I was reminded by another very good friend that people who care about you don't treat you that way. So, as I sit here, typing this out, trying to make sense of what just happened I wonder if I give too much of myself to those who I call friends. Then I realized that all the things I've listed that I would do for my friends, they would also do for me, and have done for me. Without questioning or judging or thinking less of me. Like today very good friend Tandis brought me tissues when she knew I was too embarrassed to leave my desk with tears streaming down my face.

So thank you, Dia and Tandis for reminding me that I am strong, and that it makes no sense to cry off $22 mascara. Thank you for bringing me tissues, and cake that you knew I wasn't going to eat but that's beside the point. Thank you for quoting Jay-Z and Baby Boy and even Bad Boy's 1 in order to get me to laugh again. Most of all thank you for reminding me that true friendship exists. I love you both oh and please don't get into any trouble cause its not a pay week.