I have that Kanye West song on repeat everywhere. Its on my radio, on my iPhone, its in my head and on my mind every day. What a difference a few months can make. I try not to get myself too bogged down by life most times, but I have to admit that since right before my homegirls wedding life really had me going through it. If you read this thing you have a pretty good idea of what I was trying to handle. I have a real bad habit of thinking that I alone can take on the entire world, be super mom, super girlfriend, super homegirl, super daughter, and super employee all in one. No task too great, no problem too difficult to solve. Well folks, lets just say that I knew something was horribly wrong when people started to avoid my office for fear they might catch me crying....again.
I seriously cried every day, for over a month. Every.single.last.day. It was mostly happening in the office though, which was causing people to peek around the corner to check and see if I was in the middle of creating my own personal river before they came to talk to me. I also gave the hell up on all types of eye makeup. I just cant afford to cry off $22 Dior Show mascara every damn day, I mean its just not cost effective.
Needless to say, my friends were instrumental in getting me to realize what was going on, and that I was just dealing with too much at once. Everyone has a limit, and I had reached mine. So for once, at the constant prodding of my friends and family members, I decided to do the unthinkable and put me first. Gasp! I know I was shocked too, and trust me I fought back, but between the unexplained pains up my whole left side, not being able to eat solid food for almost a month and having severe panic attacks to the point where I was beginning to fear driving, I conceded defeat and just stopped fighting it.
It hasn't been easy, I mean I have had big things on my plate, like my year check up to make sure those pesky pre-cancerous cells hadn't returned. Trying to purchase a condo for me and my son to live in, after staying with my parents for the last year. Trying to manage a super difficult job where things were getting harder and harder to handle and of course, relationship issues on top of it all.
Well, I sit here typing a little wiser, a lot stronger and with the greatest news that I can possibly impart. I am cancer free, I settled on my condo yesterday and best of all I got a new job! A new job that I am so hopeful about. It seems so tailor made for me and I cant wait to hit the ground running. Not only that, but I was so worried that while staying at my current job (which I was told had a lot to do with my inability to eat or sleep) paying for my mortgage would make me pretty much the poorest person alive. Not only will I be able to comfortably pay my mortgage, but there will even be a Christmas for my son this year. This means more to me than you can imagine.
I also started taking Yoga classes to try and get a handle on all this stress. The only issue is that now I am leaving my job and I have to find a new instructor. My gym offers it, but its in the middle of the day and well we all know I cant do that. I will just have to find a way to make time for it because I really think its important.
There are still things that I have to work on, like trying not to take on the world. There are still issues that I feel are unresolved and may never be, but I do know that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and maybe its only just a little, but that's enough to keep me reaching forward. I really feel like without the help of a few key people these things would still feel so insurmountable, but I am glad to say that Ive been able to get by with a little help from my friends. You know who you are.
Its the good life, better than the life I lived when I thought that I was gonna go crazy. Sing it T-Pain!