Damn it I'm fat! I am large and in charge apparently. My ass has extended to extreme proportions and in such a short time! Who knew that one could get so big so fast? In the summer of 2004 I was a slim trim size 4. All my clothing fit, and I even had remnants of my extra cute 6 pack. Well all that has changed. Somewhere between working out like a maniac and eating like someone was gonna snatch it for me, my body decided it was gonna carry me. I woke up one morning to a grumpy disposition and 12 pairs of slacks that didn't fit. No longer my happy little 4 I begrudgingly slid into a pair of extra tight 8's. A hold over from the dark ages (you know that time right after I divorced Hickbill Squarehead) that managed to hid themselves in the back of my overstuffed closet.
Now, I am not fooling myself into thinking that this weight just came and pasted itself to my thigh and ass region. I know that I slacked off in the work out department for over 6 months. I admit it, I like food and I hate running. I hate sweating and I hate crunches. I even hate Billy Blanks ugly ass screaming at me on DVD. But you know what? I hate being fat more than all of that. I hate looking like I raided some teenager's closet. I hate not being able to breath in and unforgiving pair of capri's, and worse than all that, I hate the feeling that I have WIDE LOAD tattooed to my ass and forehead for all the world to see.
During my lunch break this week, I finally broke down. Took my extra large behind to H&M and bought two pair of size 10 pants. Sobbing as I made the long walk of shame to the gay guy at the register. This morning I got up and ran like someone was chasing me, even though I was not happy about the jiggle and wiggle following close behind (no pun intended) me. I even ate right, skipped the Starbucks, took my vitamins, and drank two Vitamin Waters. By the way...the one labeled Perform is the most awful concotion god ever created. The sort of awful that makes you cuss out loud. For example: "Oh for fuck's sake what the hell is this shit!" "Oh my damn this shit is like turpentine" "Who the fuck created this shit and why!" "I wouldn't give this bottle of crap to a dog!"
Thank god I bought an essential that seemed to knock the paint thinner taste out.
Next time we'll discuss "So you think you can dance" cause I have a feeling it needs addressing.
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