I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas
Okay enough channeling Mariah although you guys all know how I Stan for her so don't judge me its the holiday season and (yes again) the bible says not to.
Really I am having a very tough time with getting into the Holiday spirit this year. Sure I am excited about my new place and yes I am ecstatic about my new job but damn it something is just missing. I tried going Christmas shopping this weekend, but I just wound up buying a whole bunch of shit for myself. Anytime my focus is on consoling my soul with shoes, clothes and makeup I am not thinking Christmas. I already know why I am like this and its because for the first time in 4 years I have no one to lavish my festive holiday spirit and gifts on. I am lonely, and I am sad and I don't know how to do Christmas alone. I can say with all certainty and conviction that not having a boyfriend for Christmas BLOWS.
I am not even talking about getting gifts. I am talking about having that loving warm holiday feeling where you sit and drink wine (yes I know wine again) and play music that has nothing to do with Christmas while you decorate a sad ass plastic evergreen with ornaments that are both too expensive and fragile for your Charlie Brown tree. It bothers me how affected I am by this. How could something so small ruin my entire holiday? My shopping list is practically empty, and the things that I have thought of getting for people aren't very creative at all which is so not like me. I haven't heard my favorite Christmas songs on the radio, we haven't decorated shit unless you count applying primer to dark brown trim and I am just blank.
My heart isn't in it and I think that's cause my heart feels like that random stray ornament that fell off the tree in the middle of the night and shattered into a million mirror like pieces. Am I being dramatic? Yeah possibly but damn it I am not happy and we all know what happens when people fuck with my Christmas Joy. I am supposed to be excited and all I can think is that in less than a month Christmas will be here and so will I, with my brand new house and my brand new job, getting tore the fuck down on a liter bottle of cheap Cabernet and probably missing him and obsessing about where he is and what he is doing....Merry Fucking Christmas.
If someone has a better idea of how I can get back my Christmas Joy without an industrial sized bottle of wine and going completely underground let me know, cause right now that's all I have in the way of plans.