Friday, July 28, 2006

Dont Stand So Close to Me

Remember when I said it was about to get ugly?
I think I am there. Ugly population: Avin.

Believe it or not I have actually been pretty diligent about this boot camp diet crap. I haven’t had anything wheat, flour, oat, rice, or potato esque since Monday. I also haven’t eaten anything partially hydrogenated, refined or high fructose corn syrup based either. However, I fear I almost suffered a setback last night due to rule number one on Oprah’s “What to eat” list.

Overall, eat lean protein, two fruits a day, and all the green vegetables you want.

This, my friends though totally harmless looking, is the kiss of death. Vegetables and I have a love hate relationship having nothing to do with their flavor. Last night with my lean, boneless chicken breasts marinated in a combination of Italian dressing, gray salt and a dab of Dijon mustard, I had a cup of steamed veggies. You know, broccoli, carrots and corn. I did not know at the time how poor a decision this would become.

My body, in what can only be described as a war-like offensive maneuver has done the only thing that it can to punish me for my insolent behavior. That maneuver my friends is gas. So bad is said tactical maneuver that it woke me out of a dead sleep last night at 2:30 am. See, the body knows there can be no rational thought when you have a ball of air the size of a basketball lodged behind your ribcage. I tried desperately to eat as many Tums Extra Strength as I could possibly muster at that hour, and craw feebly back to my bed, but I knew the damage had been done.

I had eaten the one thing that assured I would be in agony, steamed veggies. Anyone with a good bout of indigestion knows that Tums as a defensive tactic, once doubled over in pain is futile. At this point, the only cure is food, and preferably bread based food as to displace the empty black hole growing in your belly. Well, I refused to let my body win last night/this morning, (seriously where the fuck am I? What day is this?) and soldier on with the words “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels” echoing in my head as I tossed and turned fitfully.

This morning I woke up and ate a banana like Magilla Gorilla might try to slap box me for it, and drank another 3 glasses of water before I got out of the house. So far I’ve eaten two boiled eggs and 2 strips of bacon, hoping to finally stop belching like a drunken fool. Just 3 more hours till lunch….god help me.

Oh and BTW I noticed that a ton of people have been stopping by searching for those lil no fat, no sugar dicksicles I mean fudgsicles from the Oprah Show. I am not altogether sure what they taste like, but my mother loves these. At this rate they would probably taste like Coldstone if I could eat one right now.

These are the Fudgsicle Brand pops, and they say 40 Calories. I think this is what she was talking about.

I am also hearing rave reviews about this one and as soon as someone allows me to eat something white again I will try it for myself.

Check it out, 60 calories, no sugar added and fat free.

I assume if you don’t over do it, these will work for you too. Happy dieting and eat one for me!

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