Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Do not spend another summer fat!

So says the queen of all Media

Well Oprah, I dont know. I mean its so clear this summer is shot, but this weightloss thing is tricky for us regular gals without millions, a personal chef and a trainer. Cut me a lil slack okay. Her Bootcamp show was on last night, so let me just catch ya up real quick like.

Oprah says:

You have eight workouts a week with one day of rest.

Um, thats one workout too many there sista girl. I dont know where you get 9 days in a week but I sure dont have em. By my accounts that means I gotta do some shit twice a day which unless its eating Coldstone is going to be very difficult.

The main rule: eliminate the white stuff—bread, pasta, potatoes, rice—as well as candy, pastry, cookies, cake.

Oh this bitch is trippin! What the hell is left if I cut out everything white? Lets not even start on the rice, I mean damn even prisoners get rice.

For the first month, stay away from whole grains (brown rice, oatmeal, whole wheat cereals and breads). After that, you can slowly add them back

Fuck! She is serious about this rice shit. Not even brown rice??? Can I live?

No alcohol.


You must stop eating three hours before bedtime. Do just this, Oprah says, and you'll lose weight.

A sista is gonna be dead somewhere. Period, point blank.

Then she suggested this "snack"

Oprah adds mulling spices (a mix of cinnamon, allspice and cloves) and lemon and orange slices. And she always drinks the tea from a beautiful cup. Oprah uses this tea as part of her evening ritual in order to avoid snacking after her strict 7:30 p.m. eating cut-off time. Just be sure to use caffeine free herbal tea!

I could drink that shit out of a Faberge Egg and It wouldnt do dick for my appetite come 11pm.

For afternoon cravings she has a cup of green tea, a handful of almonds and slices of apple and Parmesan cheese.

Oprah has discovered a no-fat, no-sugar fudgesicle that satisfies her chocolate cravings.

Is it me or do these look like lil frozen dicks? Sorry, sorry I am just crazy with hunger.

Anyway, she had some other shit on there which was just as futile in the satisfaction department if you ask me, but hey I know she is trying to get folks to preserve their sexy. I just dont know that I am capable of food that comes in handfulls and more workouts than days of the week. I aint signing her contract, best I can do is promise Miss Sophia I will try.


Anonymous said...

LMAO STOP IT GIRL...I almost spit my water out at the damn screen.

Nichelle said...

I think I'm going to start out by at least eating breakfast. Bob Greene said that most people that have trouble with their weight don't eat breakfast. They aren't hungry in the morning because they ate so much the night before. That's me!

Avin said...

themakeupgirl - I am sorry girl but some of these rules for a girl like me are just comical

Nichelle - I am trying to do that too. I run into problems when its 12 noon and I am starving instead of just having some fruit or boiled eggs in the morning.

maryann said...


the part about the faberge egg is my favorite part. you are hilarious!

on a more serious note, however, oprah is genuinely crazy if she thinks any sane person would pick up this diet.

Avin said...

Maryann - I don' know about you, but a pretty cup has never made me feel full. This diet looks like its full of consequences and repercussions!

DotSpot said...

ya'll gotta realize O has folk helping her out with this no white, no whole grain, frozen dick pops diet than we do! all oprah had to do was say "and then stick your finger down your throat, and you'll lose weight in weeks"

GTFOH with that!