An Open Letter To Pharrell Williams

Dear Pharrell:

You are fucking up. As a concerned listener and devotee of your infectious beats created with your compadre Chad Hugo, I feel its my personal duty to point out that you my dear are without a doubt on some different shit. Cut it out already.

I first noticed you slipping shortly after "Excuse Me Miss" dropped. You were supposed to be putting out the new N.E.R.D album which had been delayed for the 50-11th time. I was cool with your hooks, and I wasn't even all that pissed about your incessant "Ummm Yes Sirrrrrr" on every damn track. I was feeling your beats and that's all that mattered.

Then all of the sudden, you were rapping and singing on every fuckin track, and hocking that retarded Ice Cream shit. You were suddenly everywhere, and I couldn't look up without you singing the hook or the damn bridge on something. I mean what happened to beats, and btw where the fuck is Chad? I only remembered his ass was missing after seeing Kelis in "Young Fresh and New" the other day.

Oh and may I add a big WTF to that steaming pile of shit you did with Gwen Stefani. Congratulations you actually managed to fuck with her cool points, and yes she had a fucking ton after "Holla Back Girl" fuck you very much.

Now, every two seconds you are on my tv with Con-yey's gassed up ass singing that shitty "Number 1" song. I can't take it! But the last straw for me is Sleepy Brown's "Margarita". Clearly the song is a summer banger (did I say that?) however, you managed to sing the hook on a song with an actual R&B singer on it. Sleepy was more than capable of singing the hook on his own damn song, but here you come fucking up.

If memory seves me correctly, you aren't a good a singer, and you arent that great a rapper either.So I am begging, for the love of god, go let Chad out of the basement, dust off your Neptunes hat, put up your StarTrac salute, get back in the studio already and just do beats. That's all nothing else, just beats and hurry.

I am at my wits end with you and I can't fully comprehend your Kanye connection either so quick fast quit him like Jamie did and be on your job please and thanks. I expect results like you are writing "Rump Shaker the Remix" so get crackin. Don't be too upset, I am writing a similar letter to Timaland.

Sincerely,
Card Puller