Well, for those wondering I didn’t get good news from my doctor. It looks like they want me to come back in next week and trust me I am not happy. The basic story is this, I have precancerous cells on my cervix, and I am pretty sure the next step is surgery. Shit, to be honest I don’t know what she is going to tell me. She may say that the cells have already metastasized. I don’t fucking know, I am just tired of not fuckin knowing. I am tired of getting poked and stabbed and biopsied…I am fucking tired of it.
I feel like my world is caving in on me, and I am just trying to keep from crying at my desk every five minutes. I want to be positive, I want to be brave about all this, but frankly I am just terrified and more than a little pissed off. I’ve done the right things and I feel like I am still punished for it. Ahh fuck it, I cant even write about it without crying and I cant have folks asking me what is wrong. I just cant deal right now.