Well, for those wondering I didn’t get good news from my doctor. It looks like they want me to come back in next week and trust me I am not happy. The basic story is this, I have precancerous cells on my cervix, and I am pretty sure the next step is surgery. Shit, to be honest I don’t know what she is going to tell me. She may say that the cells have already metastasized. I don’t fucking know, I am just tired of not fuckin knowing. I am tired of getting poked and stabbed and biopsied…I am fucking tired of it.
I feel like my world is caving in on me, and I am just trying to keep from crying at my desk every five minutes. I want to be positive, I want to be brave about all this, but frankly I am just terrified and more than a little pissed off. I’ve done the right things and I feel like I am still punished for it. Ahh fuck it, I cant even write about it without crying and I cant have folks asking me what is wrong. I just cant deal right now.
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7 comments:
aww...I am so sorry hun. I'll think positive thoughts for you.
I know it's hard to do this but thank the universe that it's PREcancerous and not Cancerous.I had this same thing back when I was 19 in 1997 and I had a colcopsy(?),where they froze the cells and let them pass like a period.It was crazy painful for about two days but I never had anymore problems til I had the boys( then I found that I had a weak cervix,how odd).I deeply understand the when it rains it pours, but out of each struggle there is preparation for goodness. Hang in there, chick!!!
*hugs* that is just awful news but you have to try and be positive for your child and for you too (i know i sound like a motivational video) but rebellebap is right, hang in there!!
crying is okay too -- at least you'll get your anger out that way. stay strong girl!!
Thanks you guys, I am trying to keep it together. I am just not happy about dealing with this right now. Not that it would be good any other time, but I am just so stressed right now with the move.
Just a few months ago, I was preparing to have fibroids removed. But my uterus was acting so loopy (no medicine worked and I almost died of blood loss from over-active menstrual cycle) that they thought I might have cancer and were planning on cut everything out...everything--just as I had finally found a man who loved me and wanted children.
Despite everything, he stuck by me and so did my loved ones. I now have a huge, vertical scar from my navel to my pubic mound. But I still have my uterus. Everyone was so supportive; my friends turned my hospital room into a hip club. After I recovered, I threw a "Thank God I Still Have My Uterus" party. (ask me for pics and I'll show you) I needed to show my friends gratitude for loving me and supporting me and to remind myself that everything you survive is worth a celebration.
When your time has passed, don't forget to throw yourself a party for being a beautiful, strong woman.
Peggy thank you. I know that its not the end of the world, but it sure feels like it. I know that I am very lucky to have the kind of support that I have, and I also know that things will get better. I have just not been excited about the idea of surgery. I promise I will take your story to heart and remember what you've been through. Thank you so much for sharing with me.
Oh Avin, I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. These ladies have given you some fabulous advice . . . I can only say "yeah, what she said!" and encourage you to keep a positive attitude. (Not "Woo hoo - Yay! Precancerous cells!" But just a quiet confidence that you will make it through this and everything will be okay.) I really do believe in the power of positive thinking . . . .
(((hugs)))
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