It's Spring Again

Spring here in the DC Area can mean a lot of things. First and foremost it means that the weather will be hella unpredictable. I never understand why folks get so excited and confused by temporary breaks in the weather. Its Spring people, not summer. Put your damn clothes back on. We had one 80 degree day and suddenly the population loses its mind and starts breaking out the flip flops and shorts. Oh and let me not even get started on the open toe shoes. It was March, and it had snowed just the week before, but I guess that one day was enough to make everyone kirk out and think it was Summer.

I bet it wasn't summer a day later when it was 40 damn degrees and no one had a coat or even sleeves. I bet it wasn't open toe shoe weather when that driving rain was coming down and it was 35 that evening huh? I say it every year but I am going to make it known here that March does not equal Spring in Washington DC. If you got cold, soaked, or were generally caught off guard in your summer clothes then it serves you right. Put some damn clothes on and act like you have an ounce of sense already.

This weekend we went down to the Tidal Basin to see the Cherry Blossoms, which was very nice. Of course there were some fools down there in their shorts and fuckin flip flops freezing their fool asses off. It was 6am, it was 40 degrees and I had on a damn coat and some clothes cause my momma taught me common sense as a itty bitty child. Here are some of the pictures we took.

So to address "Spring" let me start with this. When digging through your clothes from the previous year. Try them on first I beg you. Do not keep or put on anything that is going to leave you looking like an exploded can of biscuits. If there is any doubt in your mind whether it looks crazy or not, ASK someone. Do not hop on the Red line and spend half the ride tugging at your pants. Do not show the office the upper portion of your breasts in a top made to fit your son. Do not wear your "club gear" to the damn office. Its super unprofessional and just tacky as fuck. A good way to check and see if its appropriate is to ask yourself if you have ever "gotten low" in any portion of this outfit. If so, its a poor choice.

Please fix your damn toes before you go running out in open toe shoes. NOT that I condone their use until after tax day, but if you must be that bold and retarded go get a pedicure. Above all else, dress appropriately for the office weather. Unless you work for the park service you will not be outdoors. The office will be air conditioned, and probably cold, so tank tops, pedal pushers and thong sandals are also a poor choice. I don't even know why I bother, cause the promise of warm weather does bring out the bammas.

In addition, I need to address this recent resurgence of "Passing". Passing, if you are unaware is something ethnic peoples did in order to gain entry into white society. The would "pretend" to be white in order to reap certain benefits. Now I know some of this still goes on in the black community, but what I didn't realize was how prevalent it is in the Hispanic and Latino communities. I am well aware that their are some folks who would rather be ANYTHING but ethnic, but it doesn't make it right. What you do is deny yourself the opportunity to learn and embrace your own heritage.

Trust and believe that most folks will know that you aren't white, and all the wishing and the praying in the world wont make you become white either. I just cant figure out how someone would so deeply hate their own race that they would pretend not to be it at all. I find it sad, and I also find it embarrassing but I guess if your intent is to assimilate and become more than what you think your race can be, then you don't care how it looks.

Its crazy to me because I remember growing up and having people assume my mother was white, and it used to make me so angry I would want to fight. Not because it wasn't feasible for my mother to be white, I am pretty damn light, but because I was proud to be black, and happy with my blackness and I didn't feel any different than any of the darker kids in my school. Back then, it was an insult and the folks who said it, used it as such.

My son, (though half white) is a black man. He isn't a mulatto man, he isn't a biracial man, he is black. There is no confusion in our household about that. He needs to be aware that no matter how light he is, and no matter who his father is, no one is going to look at him and mistake him for a Caucasian. If he gets into trouble, he will be treated like a black man. If he goes for an interview, they will see a black man, and when he gets a job he will have to work twice as hard just like he does in school just to be on the same playing field.

He absolutely will be subjected to racism, the black tax and stereotyping. He is and will be treated differently all of his life, and no one is gonna stop to ask what color his dad is. These (though I am quite sure some folks wont believe it) are the cold hard facts and frankly if I don't prepare him for that, then I have failed at my job as his mother.

I would love to see a day when folks aren't ashamed of their heritage. I would love to see a day when people aren't afraid to check the box they belong in. My guess is though if this is still happening today, its not going to change in my lifetime and that is a sad realization.

Criminal Minded

I have a strange hobby, and its probably not nearly as strange as I think. I like googling old boyfriends just to see what the hell I come up with. I never had a hit until recently which shocked me to shit of course. I dated quite a few guys in my life who just swore that with time and opportunity they were going to become "Big Shit" but so far I havent seen any of that happen. Guess we cant all be famous, but for those of you still waiting to make it big I wager you'll never do it like this. I ladies and gents can officially say that I dated a Federal Inmate. Something about that just cracks me up.

I dated inmate number 7779311 [1] back before I figured out that not everyone in life was on the up and up. I was 15 and he was 23 and I met him on my way back from the grocery store. It was summer, I was irritated with my little high school boyfriend and I was walking, he was driving and frankly that should have told me something right there. Silly me, I was in my rebellious stage and the idea of a 23 year old boyfriend sounded like the perfect bad girl thing to do.

Of course that decision was all sorts of wrong. I never bothered to ask what the hell a grown ass man would want with a 15 year old, or why he seemed to always have other peoples car titles. I didnt ask questions about the several different vehicles he would show up in, or how none of his stories seemed to make any sense. Partly because I liked bad boys and mean men, partly because I really didnt care all that much and I was still in school. It totally wasnt a serious relationship, it was just me, classic Avin, acting out.

Shortly before summer ended I got back with my high school boyfriend, and just stopped calling him. He went back to whatever rock he crawled out from under and that was pretty much that. I always wondered about him though, he had a very unique name and an even more unique story. His bayou upbringing and his funky bullshit stories always made me wonder what the hell was really going on with him. It was another life ago, and honestly I knew he was some type of criminal, but whether he was a petty dealer or an actual felon I never figured out...till today.

I had just got off the phone with a friend from his home state, and she was telling a story about another criminal she knew when she was a young girl. Come on ladies we all have the "I once dated a bad boy" story so lets not pretend that we didnt m'kay? Her story totally reminded me that I had my own convict story. So I got to picking around online and googled his name and there he was in all his glory.

The charges? Identity theft of 3 seperates professional atheletes and credit card fraud. Apparantly he has been at this since at least 1995, and to make matters worse, the cops knew who he was and had been after him for years. I'll hip you to a passage from one of the news reports:

The Feds think "Jailbird" found out they were on to him. Police staked him out and spent a day casing "Jailbird's" assumed hideout, but they think he got the heads up and bounced. Police indicated that "Jailbird" had a set of brass ones, and called 5.0 talkin about "You aint fresh as I'm I'z, ya'll got 2 months to get your shit together...good luck". Repeated attempts to catch his triflin ass went awry.[2]

It was by luck that they apprehended his ass in the first place. I think there was some sort of registration problem with the car, and the girl who was driving took off and led them on a police chase. When they finally pulled them over, she had no clue what his name was other than the the middle name he had given, and he had all three ID's on him with his face in place of the celebrities.

Funny stuff if you ask me, cause my first thought was that he looks nothing like those guys. AT ALL, and not only that the guys dont look alike. I wonder who was falling for this con? Anyway, it looks like he is doing a 9 year bid in the Federal Pen and frankly I find it funny. No I dont find identity theft funny, but I do find stupid criminals to be hillarious. Remember I have to get my dose of ignorance from somewhere and "I Love NY" is just about over so sue me. [3]

[1] My favorite song from "The Time" and I love a good music reference.
[2] Sorry, yall know I cant type what was really said, even though I pretty much translated the article verbatim , my version was a shitload more entertaining anyway.

[3] I know what you are thinking, that chick is really crazy well you would be right but dont judge me the bible says not to.

Amy, Amy, Amy

I have officially declared March Amy Winehouse Month here at Avin’s Day. Its been a tumultuous two weeks full of ups, downs, and liquor so its fitting that I would choose her to represent this month. For anyone who has ever had a broken heart, or some shit to say or just made one two many mistakes this CD isn’t just pretty music, its an anthem.

For those who don’t know, Amy Winehouse is only the most fabulous soul singer to cross the pond (sorry Corinne, you’ll always be my homegirl) in quite some time. Her songs drip with emotion and sorrow, yet you find yourself singing with your heart full and light. It’s the most bizarre thing. Think Sarah Vaughn crammed into the teeny tiny little body of a big haired, makeup laden Jewish Brit.

I’ve only been waiting for this album for a year. It was released in the U.K. to serious critical acclaim and has only picked up steam since. This week is her long awaited US debut, and I just cant get enough. The girl is phenomenal, but of course as with anyone who is able to completely display their emotions in artistic release, the lady has a few issues. The largest of which being her love for the sauce, which makes her unpredictable and dangerous to both herself and a few unlucky others.

You get the feeling that she has this small window where her star will burn white hot and bright but will fade quickly if she isn’t able to get a handle on the drink. It’s the soundtrack of her life and its messy and complicated, but that’s what makes it beautiful. Its layered, its heavy and its thought provoking and downright as blunt as it gets. Its as smoky as any blues bar and so personal it reads like a diary. Its just Amy, and its worth the money, so pick it up.

Now You Know...

Today I asked old dude who sits in the office next to mine if he had some sort of single mother issue. This is twice I count that he has said something extra stereotypical in that regard and frankly I figured that if I didn’t say something soon the ignorance would continue. Not one to really hold my tongue, but certainly not one to stir the pot, I made up my mind after being angry about his comment on Friday to point blank ask him if it was his belief that black women with children were all unwed.

Now I know what your thinking, “There goes Avin again jumping to conclusions”. Quite the opposite actually. When it occurred Friday I had sort of made up my mind to just chalk it up to life in field, however after I finished telling the story to my mother, “the boyfriend” and a few of my homegirls, they all said the same thing: “I would have cussed him out”. I didn’t think cussing anyone out was appropriate, but I did think that it warranted a discussion. So I approached him and asked if that’s where his head was at. I wasn’t nasty, I wasn’t rude I was just direct.

I think he was stunned, and not so much because it wasn’t true, but probably because he assumed that I just wouldn’t ask him something like that. Too bad. There are things you say in a work environment and there are things you don’t. Asking me if “my baby’s father is still in the picture” is one of them. The other? Asking if the pregnant girl I just mentioned is married. Neither have a damn thing to do with the industry I am in, and neither pass for polite get-to-know-you conversation. I am not altogether sure which question reeks more of sheltered socio-economic snobbery and borderline racism but make no mistake they are wholly inappropriate.

So basically his response was “I’m not that way”, and though I wanted to enquire exactly what way he meant, I think the pale shaken and stuttering way that he responded was enough. I wanted to ask him why he didn’t enquire about my ex-husband or the sex of the child or its due date instead of going directly to the questions he asked however it wasn’t important. I also wanted to bring up the fact that he always says “Now you have two kids right?” but that would just be splitting hairs. The fact of the matter is I already know why he asked what he asked there is no need for him to deny or qualify it. For some people its simple math Black woman + Child = No Daddy. Which to some may mean all sorts of other things like welfare, uneducated, societal drain, crime and poverty but lets just stick to what I asked about.

I am still sort of waiting for him to dust off the two stock responses I am used to hearing which are “I don’t see color” and “Some of my best friends are black”. Sure neither have anything to do with thinking that all black women get knocked by random MIA dudes, but it doesn’t seem to matter really when reaching for the “I’m Not A Racist” defense. I don’t even know that he is racist, he most likely isn’t, but I do know that he hasn’t had much experience with black people in his life, which may be the reason for the funky inappropriate questions. I’ll never be quite sure whether he is completely oblivious to the obvious pitfalls of asking such questions, but I do know that if given the opportunity to ask a similar one in the near future, he may mull it over a moment or two.

Ehhh it is what it is but I am under no obligation to let such things slide or fester. If I need to know something I will just flat out ask, especially if I feel like you’ve made some sort of uninformed judgment about me or those deem to be like me. I would hate to walk around here thinking that folks judge me based on my professionalism and hard work when it may really be about whether or not I was married when I gave birth. That’s something you just cant assume you gotta ask and part of being Avin is being okay with who I am every day. Its asking the tough questions, or maybe being the unpopular kid and certainly its about not being afraid to stand up for myself. So if I make folks tummy’s feel funny along the way then so be it, but like G.I. Joe said, “Knowing is half the battle”.

1/3rd Life Crisis

I must be having some sort of rebellious episode. If you know me personally you know that I am calmer and more settled than I have ever been in my life these days. I am reasonable, and I don’t usually rush to flip out. These things my friends are new things. New things that the old Avin was not aware existed. Not flipping out is new, compromise is new and not threatening to fight, kill, break bones or burn down things is a HUGE step for me. I have just been calm and it’s been good. It’s something I have gained a lot of pleasure from and I think I have grown leaps and bounds personally.

I say all this to preface my coming statement about rebellion. Folks, I am stifled and I am bored and I want to scream and act a pure fool. I don’t want to wear my hair reasonably, nor do I want to smile and make nice. I want another tattoo, I want to listen to Cypress Hill and La Coka Nostra on 10. I want to watch UFC while putting down a six pack of Miller Lite (bottle please no cans and dont think of offering me a damn glass or a straw) while wearing baggy jeans and timbs. I want my old damn life back and I dont want it to dry up and blow away like its doing. I am mad that I am not louder or faster, or wittier or meaner or just plain more me every damn day that I get a chance. I hate hair dye and concealer and advil after a work out. I want my damn cigarettes back, I don’t want to stop at two drinks and I don’t wanna have to put on moisturizer every damn day of my life. I am turning 31, and I am pissed off. I am becoming my damn mother and it sucks ass. This reasonable reliable Avin that crept in and took over my world is just maddening, and I think I am going on strike.

Maybe it’s a 1/3 life crisis because that would make sense to me. I am at the oldest of my friends but no where near the sanest. Or maybe just maybe I’ve been too reasonable, too sensible, too fucking likable and happy for my own good and I am realizing that perhaps it doesn’t quite fit. It’s like a pair of really cute sensible shoes that cut across the instep and its slowly working on my sanity. So I am on strike against 31, and being a damn sensible doormat. I'll be at the tattoo place if anyone needs me.

Its Hoodtacular!

My good friend The DJ's Wife posted a quote from Jason Whitlock on the foolishness that is All Star Weekend. See if you agree: "All-Star Weekend can no longer remain the Woodstock for parolees, wannabe rap artists and baby's mamas on tax-refund vacations." I agree with her when she says "Because as long as you have celebrities, athletes and anyone else with money in one place, your going to attract two things: groupies and stick-up boys. And they both have the same mission: to get in them pockets."

By the way my extra ghetto god-sister went this year and frankly when I heard I was no where in the vicinity of shocked. This type of "Gangsta Boo Where Them Dollas At" mentality is right up her alley (and our mothers wonder why we arent better friends) so I am with Mr. Whitlock on that tax-refund vacation situation.

It reminds me of the time my cousin (who frankly is no less ghetto) asked me to go down to the beach with her and our sons. I knew it was a weekend in Myrtle Beach, but what I didnt know was that it was Black Bike Week. I spent the week fending off jackasses trying to touch and video tape me, ignoring cat calls and being real pissed off about wearing a bikini. It was the ghetto at its finest with my 8 year old son watching. I know you are thinking, damn she has a fucked up family and you would be correct. Anyway, there are a few places you arent going to catch me, and All Star Weekend is one of them.

Life 2/07

Why were the tickets for Wicked in Baltimore so damn high??
Now I have to wait till July to go to Philly and see it. Not that it’s a huge deal to go to Philly, but I really didn’t want to have to wait. I guess only one phenomenal once in a life time concert/production can be seen per year. I got Mariah last year so I shouldn’t be so damn greedy right? Has anyone seen Wicked? I know a friend in NY saw it a year ago and loved it and I have been dying to go ever since.

Ohh and I finally saw Smokin Aces last weekend. Totally worth the price of admission if you like a good action flick. Everyone knows I love action, but I could really skip gore. I was trying to explain this to the boyfriend and he of course was making it seem like one shouldn’t be any different than the other. For instance, I can watch someone in a knife fight but I cant watch folks get cut up in horror flicks. There is a difference. Then we got into the whole what I can and cant watch like Conan vs. Saw. Seriously I don’t do horror EVER. Its designed to freak you out, its not like actual fighting, its just blood and guts. Anyway by the time we finished the discussion I felt like he still didn’t get it and we had been (in the words of my granny) all around Robin Hood’s barn and nothing was resolved. I am still not going to see any horror movies. He has a better chance of getting me to a damn gospel stage play, making me watch a love story or catching me reading a “sista girl” book. Its not gonna happen.

I talked to a good friend of ours yesterday and as I suspected, she is having issues. My friend caters on the side, and frankly she is one of the best damn cooks I know. She has a signature dessert that she makes that everyone loves, and this summer she made one for my mother. Well my mom’s sister (the soft touch one who sees only the good in all others) and her best girlfriend came over and we happened to have this cake. Now the best girlfriend is to put it mildly a snobby, stuck up rich bitch who thinks the world revolves around her…and yes that’s mild. She started going on and on about the damn cake and basically just annoyed the fuck out of us till we gave her my friend’s number. I mind you was STRONGLY against this. I tried everything I could to keep her from getting the number, but in the end her daily calls were finally too much for my mom and she gave in. I never heard anything about her contacting my friend, so I figured as with most things in her life, she got bored with it and decided it wasn’t worth her precious snob ass time.

Fast forward to last night, and I hear that rich bitch has been acting a plum fool to my friend. Trying to get her to deliver the cakes and getting pissy cause her phone calls weren’t returned immediately. Of course this heffa used my mother and I as a reference, so my friend has been unreasonably accommodating to her. I told her she could put the brakes on that shit. That woman doesn’t have my seal of approval, and if she can’t carry her spoiled ass to my friends house to pick up her shit, then she can tell her to kick rocks. I was pissed but not shocked because that’s rich bitch’s M.O. Just bully folks and harass them till you get what you want…but not over a $30 cake, I mean lest get some damn perspective here. If my friend makes me come get my shit, she is certainly not gonna deliver yours. Once I told her not to do rich bitch any more favors, she was quite pleased and said she wasn’t going to do anything else for her. She really doesn’t need the business, and frankly she doesn’t need the hassle either. Cooking is her passion, but it doesn’t pay the bills, and I am glad she isn’t going to entertain any of that ladies foolishness anymore.

Oh and I spent the morning up at my son’s school trying to convince them that I live where I live. This song and dancing gets my thong in a twist cause you cant just make one damn trip up there, its always 3 or 4 to get shit straight. Anyway they want more shit, so now I gotta go back up there next week. When I left that bitchmade security flunky was in the hallway growling at the late kids. Of course he tried to be nice to me, but once you bark at my kid we are always gonna have beef. Frankly I have beef with a couple people in that camp. I am not too particularly keen on the Guidance bitch who acted like I wasn’t speaking plain English on the phone to her, and I didn’t like her tone during the meeting we had either, and yall already know how I feel about that damn English teacher with his college essays and graduate program projects. I do however like the History teacher but I think that’s only cause he is good looking. Sorry I know focus, but seriously he is not too shabby…I wonder who I could hook him up with?

This Is Why I'm Hot.... The Remix Part Deux

There are a lot of things I have been meaning to blog about, but you know life kinda snuck up on me and hit me with a two by four. Here is the condensed version.

ANS: Please people this is not a 48 hours mystery. She overdosed, she died no need to call Fred, Daphne and the Mystery Machine out of retirement. Give the baby to the grandma, and shut up already. Homegirl was an addict and why anyone is shocked that she died is just crazy.

Snow/Ice Storm: Why is my kid still out of school? Get off your asses and scrape up that ice situation and get people’s power back on. Wednesday happened, can we move on with life or am I going to have to hear the sad sad tale of how the lil kiddies were off another damn day from school?

The Gym: I love my new fancy gym. I love going there, I love my workouts, I love that there is always a treadmill available. I don’t understand some of the people there but that’s not important. What is important is my love for this gym and the Precor Cross trainer. I might go tonight if the old folks bother me.

Extra Child Support: Ex & Fat wife say “Check’s in the mail” yeah right, NEXT!

Makeup: I stumbled upon some extra terrible photos of myself from 2003\sans makeup!!! I was paranoid before but now I am just downright obsessed. I am\nmaking it my life’s mission to never leave the house again without enough\nmakeup on to star in the Broadway Production of Hairspray.

Grammys: Why the hell didn’t Corinne Bailey Rae win anything? I know the exchange with Kanye and Common was staged but I really did need someone to tell him to quit his award show bitchin. Other than that I have no comment.

Formal Event: If the invite says black tie, and its held at the JW Marriott, and the mayor, a local news caster, a former governor and the former mayor of New Orleans show up do not I REPEAT DO NOT show up wearing a Chinese housecoat and no makeup. I MEAN YOU STEP SISTER! Please cut it out with the wick wack snatch back and stop looking like you serve tea over at Silver Palace. Bad enough I gotta talk to your drunk ass husband (crab incident 06 and I aint forgot bitch!) but this is our father’s time to shine and you cant even step up your game? Get it together, learn what black tie means and do not embarrass our dad like that. No wonder “the boyfriend” called you Kung Fu Hustle, NEXT!

Ebony Magazine: Since when does Raven Simone have $400 million dollars?

White Rapper Show/VH1: Damn it why yall get rid of Persia!! She was hella entertaining and starting to grow on me. Now I gotta listen to John Brown’s Halleluiah Hollaback nonsense for at least three more shows, oh and did anyone catch NORE carry the hell out of him and JusTreehugger? Pure Comedy.

ABC TV: LOST please step up your game. Ugly Betty you are doing BIG things. Grey’s please get Meredith’s character a backbone this season already, she is starting to piss me off with the Perils of Pauline act. Men In Trees, can you not have Marin sleep with every damn body in town??

Yep I think that’s all folks, I am sure I will have something else soon, but right now that’s all I can remember to tell yall about. Big ups to Brooklyn….is it obvious how bored I am right now? Have a great weekend!

For All "Intensive" Purposes

Somehow, someway this damn header on my blog has drawn some confused ass know it all questions from people. I guess if you don’t know me personally you might think I really meant "Intensive" but for the most part, people have gotten the joke. Until recently that is.

I got a funky comment about a week ago from an anonymous fool saying "It's Intents and Purposes you idiot". Shit! Thanks Capitan Obvious, I didn’t realize I was so stupid! I mean seriously this is a blog, do you really get hecklers on this thing? Someone seriously explain that shit to me cause I don’t understand. I know some other bloggers who have gotten some rude comments, so its no completely far fetched however I find it crazy to get your thong in a twist over something said on a random blog. Especially something that is a joke.

I don’t know maybe I have underestimated some of my audience and for those folks um...there is an X in the top right-hand corner that will save you from having to view what you may think is a syntax error. For the rest of you folks who I am sure got the joke, be careful out there! The language police is out and what you might think is funny could be just the thing that sets them off. Good Luck

Dressed In All Black...Like the Omen??

My mother fears lots of things but as I recently found out, her most prevailing fear is of the occult. Not so much devils and pitchforks per-se but more like abnormal people especially if they wear black clothing and makeup. I grew up with a school full of kids whose idea of rebelling was playing dress up or wearing too much makeup. It doesn’t phase me and I never think “Oh god look at the lip piercing and fingerless gloves, he’ll kill us all” In other words, fishnet tights and rock music have never been enough to fuck with me mentally.

We actually had a huge swearing and door slamming argument that started because the little neighbor boy has decided to be Goth. He was wandering up the street with his black nail polish and eyeliner and I think she just snapped. She was all in a panic about it and she had attempted to tell me about it no less than three separate times that day. I was hoping not to have to go there with her, but she wouldn’t leave it be.

You could tell that she was just distraught and fucked up behind it. In the back of my mind I knew she was having some sort of mental issue, but I chose to ignore it. Looking back on it now I should have just drawn my face in mock panic when she attempted to tell me how awful and terrible his look was. I should have recoiled in horror when she surmised that he would someday shoot up his school complete with trench coat...but I didn't. It was a stupid move on my part.

I tried unsuccessfully to explain that Goth is just another form of expression for today’s youth. Much like our baggy jeans, ripped jeans, tie dye, and punk rock pink hair. It really isn't the occult its more like dress up. But there is no talking to her about what she thinks is devil based. So this evening while watching the International Ballroom Competition (yes I watch PBS) there was one couple that did a sort of Goth-like tango complete with dreaded black eyeliner. She tried to freak out and almost couldn't watch. She just sat there with her mouth hanging open in disbelief. I couldn’t believe she was having the same reaction she had to the neighbor boy. It’s a dance for gods love.

In fact a Revlon commercial for their new Midnight Swirl lip-gloss which is a black cherry-deep red-almost black that when viewed on the seemingly normal model she made a horrified gasp. She said it looked like her mouth was dripping blood. I guess the whole look is just too much for her but frankly I am just confused by her reaction. Its dress up so what is the damn big deal a little black eyeliner doesn’t make the devil go jumping into a person’s body. She isn’t even all that religious which makes this even stranger.

I have tried to chalk it up to her age group and what their particular comfort level is with things that aren’t completely normal, but seriously its just too much even for me to comprehend or apparently discuss with her. The fact that I may have to spend another hour convincing her that kids like that don’t turn into terrorists or that kids who spend time alone don’t suddenly go Goth is more than I want to have to deal with. I think I am going to start slipping her anti-anxiety medication, because her behavior is just getting out of hand.

Confidence?

There is this message board that I used to frequent that I have since given up on over the last year. The reasons are pretty simple, its full of angry, simpering people with issues and axes to grind. It got out of control years ago, but I stayed, thinking that at some point it might get better. It didn’t, and I bounced. These days I try not to associate myself with things that intentionally irritate, rile or piss me off. The folks on there are welcomed to stay, for my purposes though, its just too damn negative. That’s really not the point of this post, but I do have to give some sort of set up to the story.

In a weak moment a few days ago I decided to skim this den of debauchery and anger, you know wondering if some of my old buddies might be lurking. In fact, the boyfriend’s cousin is on from time to time, and we don’t nearly get a chance to talk enough for my taste. He always has a thought provoking thread or two, and that I really like. Anyway, I came across this posting from a guy that I have only met once in person, but as with message boards, I know more about him than I probably should. He is also a blogger and sometimes I will read what he has to say. He has quite a following from what I gather. In any event, something set him off and he was ranting about women and their body issues. How when we question what we look like or we dont strut around like we rule the place men dont find us sexy, they find us pathetic. The jist of the thing was how what men find sexy is confidence.

I don’t personally have any issues with that assessment, sure confidence is sexy, but I don’t really think men know what real confidence is. I think they believe that the puffed up sex vamp behavior that is clearly a put on is really female confidence. You know, the girl you see wearing her club tops to work with meat squishing everywhere trying desperately to walk like her feet aren’t in two stiletto vices? Yep, her. The one alluding to sex in every convo, the one flirting with every man in the area, or better yet the one tossing her hair and bouncing around like a stripper pole is going to magically spring forth from the ground. Yep, that’s their idea of confidence.

Some of us figured that act out back in 9th grade after a few mini skirts and low cut tops got the guys drooling, but really is that confident or just good acting? I don’t really know any women who go through all that bullshit for themselves. The point he was trying to make is that when we are all just wandering around taking care of business in our homes and families or are concerned that perhaps we have put on a few pounds or desire a new hair style, we are at our lowest level of confidence. That switching and tossing is when we are in command. To him I say in the kindest way I know how, “Go fuck yourself”.

I don’t want to get into this guys illustrious former career in the porn industry, or the fact that his fiancé knows nothing about it and I wont even bother going into how some of that feeds into women’s feelings of not measuring up. I don’t hate porn, but I wont pretend that it doesn’t warp a lot of men’s ideas about women and healthy sexual behavior. I will however address the fact that men are idiots. I don’t know why this continues to boil up every time a woman doesn’t feel good in her skin, but let me tell you we ALL have issues with our self esteem, (ahem penis size) and it goes a lot deeper than confident=sexy.

Back in the days, when I was young and naive, I too thought that if I just whored it up a bit that people would see me as strong and confident. I got a ton of attention, but what I never got for it was self esteem or respect. When I see girls and grown women playing Jessica Rabbit now, the whole scene just reeks of insecurity. I wonder what must she think is so painful and damaging about the real her that she needs to cover it in an obvious disguise? I didnt feel good that way, and I cant imagine that they do either though of course you tell yourself otherwise.

My friend themakeupgirl and I had a discussion about this in regard to Mariah Carey and her choice of outfits. I love Mariah and I am a die hard stan, however when I look at her, I see pain and confusion. We agreed that at a certian age you should have acquired life tools that show you how to be sexy without being naked. She would still be fabulous without all the T&A if she just knew how. She could be very confident in her voice and her writing, but those outfits clearly dont give that impression.

I am confident in my work life, I am confident when I am taking care of my son. I am confident in a pair of jeans or fixing a doorknob. I am probably more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have been and yet if I am not playing Vicky Vamp for a man then I am suddenly not confident. I don’t want to launch into a tirade about it because I am just not sure it even warrants one. I like getting dressed up, I like being cute, but whether or not I am confident shouldn’t be contingent upon my style of dress or my seductive (or lack thereof) behavior. Does anyone else think this is just plain crazy?

I have heard that argument in regard to what is sexy a thousand times. I just know that they aren’t the same thing and I am tired of trying to explain that to men who think the way to confidence is with your face down and your ass up. Women have a lot to contend with, from images, to messages, marginalization and degradation. It occurs every day. We are discounted in our homes, on our jobs, out in the street and then we are supposed to look at ourselves and go, I sure am confident and that means I am sexy.

Men just need to call a spade a spade. If what you mean to say is that a woman who has no inhibitions or doesn’t seem to care that she is either half naked, being ogled, or is being thought of as less than a person because her ass is hanging out then just say you like that. But don’t get it all twisted up with confidence because that is a totally different issue altogether. Real confidence comes from inside and isnt wrapped up in a frilly package all the time, and sometimes its just being you, and loving that you, and yes that is sexy.

As long as we love who we are without pretense or judgement then confidence is there. All the extras are just that...extra. I may wear heels when I feel like it, and I may not always like what I see in the full length mirror, and maybe sometimes I think my comfy jeans and my favorite t-shirt are the sexiest thing I can wear, but I dont lack confidence in fact I am plenty confident, what I am not is an actress.

5 Things You Dont Know About Me...Avinsday Version

So I got tagged to do 5 things you don’t know about me over at 99 Products, but then I realized that I have a totally different audience here than I do over there and thus a totally different set of things that you guys don’t know about me. Its weird I know, but I also wanted to tag a few folks that don’t read 99 Products such as Bmoresthoughts, Glib Girl, Charcoal Ink, Thedj'swife and 44 Black. Yes I am talking to you guys so get to it.

1. I have always wanted to be different so my hair has been every color under the sun and I used to do things just to mess with peoples minds. Up until I turned 28 I had a tongue ring, a nose ring and several tattoos. I am such a tattoo nut that I used to be a part of a body modification online community. I still have the tattoos and the nose ring (worn infrequently) but the tongue ring had to go. I am still secretly a huge admirer of large interesting tattoos.

2. My 13 year old son is two full inches taller than I am even though he was born 3 months premature. His birth weight was 2lbs 8oz and he was on oxygen and an apnea monitor for the first year of his life, now he is taller than most of the kids in his school.

3. My favorite song in the world is "Let the Beat Hit Em" by Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam. That song has to be almost 20 years old now and every time it comes on I want to get up and dance. You could call it my theme song.

4. I know bits and pieces of a few foreign languages, Spanish being the strongest of them. I actually understand and speak Spanish well enough to get buy but the others are more like "where is the bathroom" in Italian or the numbers from 1-10 in Hebrew. I also understand and speak a little Greek and I am dying to try it out on a trip to the Mediterranean.

5. Almost all of my ex-boyfriends have received a "Dear John" email as their break up notification. Its not cause I am rude, its just because I am so much better on paper. Okay maybe its cause I am rude, but frankly at the point we are parting ways I am really not all that interested in how its done or how you take it. Emails are fast, effective and don’t have that whole messy conversation element to them.

Stop Snitchin

Why is there always one office snitch? You know the one. The one girl who is always listening to your conversation, or the guy who claims not to like several people in the office and then you see them chatting out in the hall. Well every office has one. Call them the big mouth, call them the gossip, I just call em, office snitch.

There is one particular person in my office who stays dry snitchin every day. How do I know? Well this particular snitch is always minding everyones business other than their own. They are quick to say what you have been doing all day but you cant even figure out what they been up to. They are always sneeking looks at your damn computer screen, or listening in on your phone conversations. My snitch always smiles just as I catch them ear hustling its very unnerving.

Today the snitch was actually hold up behind closed doors with a person that the snitch has on MANY occasions said they cannot stand. They have spent countless hours complaining about said individual, but thats not really important because the snitch hates EVERYONE. Or at least they think that no one is working as hard as they are. Then you see them pop up talking to the higher ups, or kissing butt. Its not like the higher ups dont know that who the office snitch is, but I guess they have to entertain all that nonsense just to be fair.

After commiserating with the one person they talk the most shit about, the snitch quickly switched gears and started bitching about someone else with them standing not 20 feet away. That's a pretty damn bold move, I mean what if the person overheard them? Where I come from, that shit will get you hurt or beat down in the parking lot after dark. I couldnt figure out if the snitch was out to gather more information on the person or to find out more alleged dirt about others. Anyway it was unsettling, and I started thinking about that whole ghetto nonsense with the "Stop Snitchin" T-shirts which is nothing like this but did make me giggle just a little. What if I printed up a whole mess of those shirts with the big red stop sign except they looked like this:









So what do you think? You could customize your company in the blank. I wonder if the office snitch would wear one? Probably just wait to see who wears it and run and tell the boss.

Fashion Missteps at The Golden Globes

Some folks just need a come to Jesus meeting when it comes time for an awards show. Time and time again there are folks who just cant get it right and then there are folks who usually get it right and then forget to make that oh so important left turn at Albuquerque. I lot of folks got it right this year but let me just point out a few that didnt.

Take for instance Cameron Diaz. I know one thing she wont be bringing back this year...Justin.
She looks like she got attacked by a disgruntled costume designer for Gone With the Wind. There are more ruffles on that thing than at southern cotillion...and get some bronzer already for the love of Mike!























I love me some Meryl Streep...however she was looking extra frumpy last night. Exhibit A clearly shows her wearing a large sack with some twine wrapped around it. As for her makeup, she needs to get the makeup team from The Devil Wears Prada on retainer, cause the patch and spackle job they did for her on that film was flawless.






















Then there is Vanessa Williams who Dia lovingly referred to as The Cowardly Lion. I don’t know, it looks like she got a hold of one of Beyonce's old "Work it Out" wigs to me. Lets not even discuss that fur. I mean honestly she is beautiful and all that extra hair and fur are just doing way too much.





















Speaking of Beyonce, homegirl's homage to Flavor of Love was just disturbing. By the way chica you can lay off the grease, you are going to the Golden Globes not the Golden Gloves. There is just no reason to be that shiny and slippery looking. themakeupgirl wanted to smack her, but I told her all that grease would just make her slide off.

Monday Ignorance Televised

I don’t know that I love NY, but this show is some comedy. As a full fledged reality TV addict, I am excited to see what happens on this show full of rejects. From what I’ve seen so far its full of rejects. The show started last night but I had been taking peeks at the previews for a month, and let me tell you it’s a hot ass mess. New York looks like a drag queen, and her mother…all I can say is wow. Whoever decided to name this broad Sister Patterson was truly off the mark, aint a damn thing church going about her.

99.5% of the dudes on this show are gay or DL and if they aint gay they are just bammas and cornballs. The best thing on that show is Chamo, who is NY’s stylist and perrrrr-sonAL assistant. I am hoping he is going to get lucky on this show, I mean why not bet on a horse that has a chance of actually winning. No pun intended on the horse/NY weave situation. Anyway, I actually lost brain cells watching that trash, but sometimes its good to remind yourself that life isn’t that serious.

Then as if I couldn’t kill anymore of my brain in an evening, I watched The White Rapper Show. Yes, yes I know don’t start. I don’t expect it to be any less ignorant than ILNY. I don’t care, go write to Jessie if you are mad about it. I don’t even know what to make of this show other than to say that it was pure comedy. The personalities are just insane, its like watching Making the Band all over again except Chopper is screaming “Ghetto Revival” every three minutes instead of “C-H-O-P-P….” anyway you understand its just as annoying. I understand brand marketing but damn, if you don’t know what you are talking about, then neither does anyone else.

There were/are some promising folks on there…none of the women mind you. Persia isn’t terrible but she can’t take down anyone but the other women and that King of the Burbs idiot. Who coincidentally bitched up the second Persia started in on him, which is never a good sign. I am positive there will be more fights but I hope Persia leaves her “sidekick” in her luggage next time.

Neither of the other two girls have it in them to stick around…and looks like next week the British girl (who couldn’t rap her way out of a hefty bag) is gonna start screwing one of the contestants. Damn, can yall be in the house 5 min? There was a twist ending that I didn’t see coming which kind of made me wonder about what the hell Search and Ego-Trip are doing with these delinquents but never mind the point is not to make sense, its to entertain and I am wholly entertained. I cant promise I will do a review of this chicanery but I might check in from time to time when it gets interesting or there is another fight….shit I might be doing a review of this thing after all.

100% USDA Grade A Bitch

So my stepbrother darkened our damn doorstep last night. I don’t know why he even bothers to visit. He is the phoniest bastard on the planet with all his "heeeyyy Avin" and shit. I think he only continues to do that cause I seem to be the only one in the family not completely snowjobed by his fake ass ways. I don’t fuck with him, I don’t talk to him, and I don’t have to. Basically, he is a con artist. Always has been from the time he was young, and even though we weren’t really young together, (there is a decent 10 year age gap) nor did we grow up in the same household, I have always known that he wasn’t about shit.

At 20 he came to live with us and proceeded to treat our house like his own personal Playboy mansion. I would come off the bus to him hustlin some bitch with a bad weave out of the house or trying to clean up the Jacuzzi area or just basically acting a monkey. I didn’t tell on his ass most times, even when I caught him and Fonceilia (yes you read that right) in his room. I was like 10 so what the fuck did I really care?

Then shit started going missing around the house. Little shit like alarm clocks and irons then it started being big shit like checkbooks and drivers licenses and jewelry. I came home one day to a knock down drag out fight between he and dad and he didn’t return after that.

Then the bounced checks started rolling in, and they informed us that he had been picked up for passing bad checks with some dude using my dad's checkbook and ID. That was his first trip to the clink. He got out, took up with some new girl with an equally stupid name and proceeded to hand out invitations to his wedding at his sister's (not me) wedding reception! Him and Kikoko or Misono or whatever the fuck her name was were being mad ignorant with it too, not that handing out invites at a reception isn’t ignorant already.

Then he and Mykiko or whatever, split up and we get a call that he is back at the "gated community" for credit card fraud. Anyway from there it was just a string of shit, gambling debts and jail, stealing from his mother and jail, robbing someone on the street for their company bank deposit and jail of course. That time the cops came banging on our door and who should they get but me. I don’t know jack about my stepbrother other than he is a thief and a con, so all that D.O.B, current address, height and weight shit was lost on me. I gave them my dad's number at work and went back to bed (fuckin 7 am and I worked nights) I didn’t have time for that shit. Then he lost his mind and did the ultimate, this fool robbed a damn bank. Why they didn’t set the jail on top of him and throw out the key is beyond my comprehension, but he got somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 years, I think he only served 5. Fucking bootleg justice system.

So he reappeared from his "stay" and everyone started acting like he was all good again. I of course know better, but you know all that debt paying and shit had them confused. My dad let him stay with us AGAIN. This was during that year where my ex-husband was in Korea, and I worked at a job that paid me cash. I let them know early that if one dollar was missing out of my money that I would call the cops before he could finish saying his new girlfriend's name.

Anyway, he came and went without incident and managed to take up with this 19 year old girl and get her pregnant almost immediately. Poor thing, I shudder to think about that poor little girl and her mother sometimes. So he got a job working for his mother AGAIN, because he is too good to do work that doesn’t require him to wear a suit and tie everyday (non degree havin asshole) and his mommy is rich. She pays for his car and his apartment and his child support and he uses his paycheck to gamble and impress stupid women.

So I didn’t hear much about or from him for a long time, till he showed up unannounced at the house one day and managed to find a way to finally try and con me out of my cash. He parked his shit can vehicle right up under the spare tire on my Rav4 and I didn’t realize how close he was as I was leaving. I "TAPPED" his car producing zero damage. This is where I fucked up. I told him I tapped the car. Con artist must have seen dollar signs and started immediately bitching about how his hood was damaged.

Now, the car was a joke to begin with, so I don’t even know how he managed to pull that off with my dad, but some how he did! He convinced dad that it would cost $800 to fix his hood from the damage I supposedly caused. Dad wrote the body shop a check and proceeded to ask me to refund his money. My mother actually wound up paying it which had I known she was going to do, I would have begged her not to. I couldn’t afford to pay that clown $800 for a non existent scratch. Well, I coulda gave him $20 a month for 3 years but didn’t even see how that was fair.

6 months later we are going to his grandmother's funeral, and Con-job is following us when I notice something interesting. There hasn’t been any body work done to his shit can car. Not one bit. I don’t know how he did it, but he managed to get that money from the body shop dad wrote the check out to. I wouldn’t have been so mad about it, but that fool was planning on robbing me like that and instead robbed my mother! I pointed that shit out too. I wanted everyone to know they had been had yet again.

So another year or so passes and that bitch shows up at the house with his new flavor of the week woman. Yet another attempt to impress a bitch with shit you don’t own, but never mind all that. This asshole actually has the balls to bring up the car incident and talk about how I destroyed the hood of his car. Yall can already guess how this went cant you?

I lost my fucking mind. Seriously, if I coulda fought him I would have right there but instead I commenced to cussing his ass out and rolling out every last one of his con jobs, arrests and misdeeds in front of Quintessha or whoever. I let loose on his ass and I cant even tell you how many bitches and motherfuckers he was that night. I think he really believed he had gotten away with it and no one knew. I set his ass straight on that shit, and I let him know then that he might be able to fool everyone else, but I knew he was a bitch and a thief from way back and he would never get another fucking dime out of me or my mother, trust and believe. I even added for good measure that he should go cry to mommy about how mean I was to him, maybe she would pay an extra month of his rent at 35 years old. I know, cruel but necessary.

After that I washed my hands of him. I don’t engage in conversation with him, I don’t have need to be in the same room with him, and I damn sure don’t give a fuck about nothing that happens with or to him. We are done, and I am good on him forever. Oh yeah I think that was the visit he stole more checks from my father and had his account bouncing again to the tune of $2000. If I had to bet I would say something was missing from the house on last nights visit too, but I cant call it. They wanna keep pretending he isn’t a thief or a liar, then that’s on them, but he has no more times to mess with me. None.

Black Folks And Weight Loss

I don’t know what it is about trying to lose weight in a black family but it is far from easy to do. I wont say all, because I have a bunch of girlfriends who’s families constantly pressure them to slim down, but for a lot of us changing the way you live isn’t the biggest hurdle its overcoming the influence of your family.

I had an incident this weekend where I immediately became the “diet villain” when I had a hypoglycemic attack. I am hypoglycemic, so I am well aware that I need to eat with more frequency than the average person, but this time it wasn’t my fault. This time I was attempting to help someone put together a massive Sleep Number bed and had mentioned not once but twice that it was time for me to stop and get something to eat. I was ignored. They just kept right on working while I became increasingly sick. I finally just deserted them and went downstairs for some juice (against my damn diet plan) and a glucose tablet. Suddenly I am a jackass for letting it get that far.

Granted I could have left them when I first mentioned I was hungry and fading, but I figured that since they all harp on me about eating constantly, they would understand that I wasn’t just being greedy and I needed to eat. Nope, no one got it. So while I am sitting at the foot of the stairs, sweating profusely and feeling dizzy, I hear them (them being my mother, my father and “the boyfriend”) talking about how irresponsible I am about my own health.

Now for my mother this has everything to do with what this diet allows you to eat. She basically doesn’t believe in this whole cutting out carbs bit, so to her my diet is just stupid and dangerous. Granted, it might be both of those things if I didn’t eat other things to keep me energetic and full, but to say its cause I am not eating carbs is just crazy.

For “the boyfriend” its about losing my figure. The figure I cant stand mind you. The one where I huff and puff and squeeze myself into jeans that should fit, or skirts that used to fit. Everyone knows that black men like curves, and I am not talking about doing away with my curves, but basically so what if want to lose weight? I don’t like being thick and uncomfortable if I can be thin and happy. I know this sounds rude but really, its not about him or his preference about my body.

When we met I was a 4 and he was liking it just fine, now suddenly I am not right unless I am a damn 12? Get the fuck outta here with that. Seems like he can go to the gym every night and beat himself into a new size but if I do it I am suddenly Nicole Ritchie and attempting to starve myself. The thing that really upsets me about that is that at some point thick becomes fat, and the whole conversation might turn into how I have managed to let myself go which I have heard men say about women numerous times.

So I was then forced and by forced I mean brow beaten into eating a bowl of beans and rice, also not on the aforementioned diet plan which made me angrier than I have been in a long ass time since what I asked for was an apple and some of the left over chicken in the fridge to get my blood sugar level elevated. Then I was made to feel like a jackass again for not promising to quit the diet altogether.

This my friends is no isolated incident. Every attempt I have ever made to lose weight has been met with distain and ridicule. I have been chastised for not putting sour cream on a potato. I have been yelled at for not wanting fried chicken in favor of baked, I have gotten rolling eyes and shaking heads when I say I am going to go run. I have even been given excuses why I shouldn’t exercise and trust me they are all stupid and just plain crazy so I won’t mention what was said about it. I have also had immediate family tell me that I am “not supposed to look like that anyway” that I guess being thin.

This isn’t just my mother, this is aunts and uncles and grandmothers and family friends who all think the minute you embark on a diet you are turning your back on your blackness. Suddenly being curvy isn’t good enough, or you are making some sort of statement about their health. I am doing neither, I just want to be happy in my clothing.

My mother constantly complains about her size, yet she isn’t going to do a damn thing to change it. She wont change her diet, she wont work out and she just expects it to magically fall off. When I take a proactive approach however, I am being stupid or irresponsible.

Its not just me either, one of my best girlfriends catches shit every time she gets back on the wagon, yet they have no problem patting her on the hips and asking what she has been eating. Another friend has a totally unsupportive husband who actually mocks and belittles her diet, even doing things such as bringing fatty foods home to eat in her face. I am sure they have all been told how dumb they are too. I just wish folks understood that wanting to look good isn’t stupid and having the guts to do something about it is far from irresponsible. I don’t know why dieting is such an affront to your family members if you are black?

So for all parties involved (who don’t read this damn thing anyway since it also falls under the stupid and crazy catagory) and who think that its stupid for me to want to lose weight or I don’t know how to help myself. I want you to know that I am just fine and I am going to continue my diet. I have managed to live on this earth for 30 years without doing myself any real harm and I will continue to live the way I see fit. I don’t need any of your nagging, neck wagging, eye rolling or snide comments thank you, and I don’t give a flying fuck why you think its important to chastise me about it. Worry about your own damn lives and let me live mine and stop trying to screw with my happiness. I was black before I started this diet, and I will still be black long after, and its time for you all to grow up. Go listen to Fiona Apple’s song Extraordinary Machine, and maybe you will figure out that I am not quite as helpless as you all wish I was.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T What The Hell Does That Mean For Me??

I swear there is no justice in this world. I've been slowly realizing that lately. I mean, I always knew shit was generally fucked up but recent developments have made that reality glaringly clear.

Ever since I moved home I have been realizing just how spoiled my son is when he is here. Beyond all the video game BS and the fridge stocked with all sorts of teen goodies, and his ability to pretty much come and go through the neighborhood at will, there is the issue of his damn room. Now the room is always a mess, but that’s a teenager thing, not a spoiled kid thing. What I speak of in terms of his room is his ability to basically hold up in there like Osama.

I get home from work about 6:30 every night and I never have to wonder where he is cause his ass is in his room. Door locked, chillin. Not doing homework, not interacting with his grandparents, just chillin in his damn room doing god knows what. Now 90% of that time is spent watching the damn cartoon network. This I know because he can recite every show that was on and discuss at length what went on in these shows, but that’s not the fucking point. The point is basically that he has been afforded a level of privacy that I am just not able to attain.

A 13 year old! I mean it boggles the mind. My mother NEVER goes in his room, she just calls for him at the foot of the stairs and he either comes down...or doesn’t. Now that in and of itself infuriates me because when I was his age if my mother called me I better haul my yellow ass downstairs in a fuckin hurry. See my mother is old school in the way that if she decides that she needs you, and she decides to either whisper it, yell it or even think it, you best get your ass to her attention. This old-school attitude however has not translated to my son. This lil bamma can do just about anything he feels, and if she calls him, its merely a suggestion and not an order.

This of course totally undermines my authority and if I happen to call him or mean business then I am being harsh. In addition, while his room is completely off limits mine seems to sustain more foot traffic than Grand Central Station. Every night I come home someone has been all up in my room, just touching shit. Shit is moved, or missing or askew every fucking day of my natural life. EVERYDAY. Its ri-gotdamn-diculous! Now I am not a neat freak, and I understand that this is her home, but for all intents and purposes, the room I sleep in should be my damn room. Free of foot traffic and prying eyes and touching hands.

For instance, every day I come home this damn chair is back in front of my TV. All my lil beauty products have been moved about, and lets not even get into the closets. My closet is forever being re-arranged by someone who aint me. Then there is this god awful lamp, whose purpose I have yet to decipher. Its just there, and though I managed to shove it into a corner, it always winds up somewhere in the middle of the damn floor or blocking access to my dresser. Shit is just fucked up consistently. There is no "I had to go in your room for xyz" there is no warning, just total access all day every day.

I am one of those folks who knows what they touched and when, so when I get home and all my shit is fucked up or moved around yet again I know it sure as fuck wasn’t me that did it. Not to mention that the Comcast idiots, in an attempt to remedy our internet issues, went and put the damn router in my room. They did finally move it, but not before they rifled through all my shit and unplugged my damn Tivo. I swear there is nothing sacred, private or off limits about my damn life.

It wouldn’t be so damn bad if I could find my shit once its been moved. That shit to me is insane. I put things in places that work for me not for visitors. If my bills are on the desk then I want them right there on the desk, not in a shoebox on the floor under my bed. Yet the boy has dishes, glasses, phones, a computer with internet and a locked door that is treated like the quarantine ward at the hospital.

But when I speak up or try to correct it I am wrong. Its hard as fuck trying to keep peace in this place, cause my issues with him turn into fights with his grandparents who seem to think their darling little cherub can do no wrong. I mean am I so wrong for wanting my own privacy and trying to get my son to spend less time hold up in his room? Half the time living here is like prison with better food. I get chastised for not eating the prepared meal and wanting to (heaven forbid) buy my own damn meal. I get shit on for wanting to actually leave the house one day out of the weekend to see "the boyfriend" and I have to report my comings and goings like I am on fucking work release. Someone explain it to me, cause I don’t get it. I thought I was afforded some type of respect at this age but I guess that just doesn’t happen when your ass moves home.

The Return of No White Stuff

Okay so the new year is here and I am going back on my Oprah Bootcamp No White Stuff diet. For those that don't know, I decided to do this during the summer with great results. I lost 20lbs even though I wasn't able to keep up with the rigorous workouts. There are 8 in a week and though my math sucks, I am smart enough to know that means I have to work out twice in a day. I have enough trouble trying to work out every day of the week.

Anyway it works, but its not partcularly fun, but I have a decent amount to time to get down to my fighting weight and I am more aware of the pitfalls, cravings and hallucinations. Sugar deprivation is by far the worst so I need to have enough snacks on hand to combat my cravings.

I also need to eat enough food to make it from one meal to the next. Lots of different fruit helps and so does water. Also, making sure that you aren't stuck eating something you know you shouldn't when you are starving is important too. That's how you wind up drinking lemonade or eating a can of beefaroni instead of a salad or veggies.

So I of course will be charting my progress here along with thedjswife and Dia who are also back on board. Themakeupgirl is also joining in with a slight modification to her plan that includes some whole wheat. I am anxious to see how the next month turns out so wish us luck!

I also meant to mention that if any of my fellow bloggers or readers want to join in I will send you all the information and I will add you to the group. The more the merrier I say!

Lies

You ever just know folks are making shit up? Uggh the amount of frivolous liars on this planet is crazy. Take for instance these classic scenarios. I know that you all know these classic liars so if one seems familiar just drop me a line.

The Expert

The Expert is the guy or girl who knows Every.Fucking.Thing. There is never a situation or experience that the expert has not been involved in. For instance, the Expert may have had every job known to man, perhaps the expert was a war hero, a CEO, pro athlete, world traveler chief, cook, bottle washer and the Guinness book of world records holder for every record over the last ten years.

Now, the Expert may have actually been involved in or around some of these activities. The Expert may even know pertinent information that is important to the credibility of said stories. However, if you listen closely to the experts many stories, inconsistencies begin to appear. Dates and names, and especially places all seem muddled.

You can't be in 15 places at the same time. You can't work a 6 figure job in the states and be in Lithuania, Japan, Germany, and Korea, be an army ranger, play for the local Pro Football team all while in college. You also can't be a former professional model, dance for a ballet company, have dated or slept with 15 celebrities, get your degree in computer science, help out your adoptive parents and 8 siblings while being a bi-sexual mother of two with MS.

The Expert is usually easy to spot, he or she is always the first to pipe up and tell a story even when no one asked.

The Embellisher

The Embellisher isn't an expert and doesn't profess to be one. The embellisher only wishes to make their personal story greater. The Embellisher loves to be known as the person with the greatest story of all time. Say this liar went to London on vacation. Well instead of just doing the normal tourist retelling of their trip the Embellisher adds that not only did they get to see Buckingham Palace, but that they had tea with the queen and were invited to dinner with Muhammad Al Fayed after watching the prince play polo with his sons.

Perhaps the Embellisher got a present. Suddenly the present isn't just a ring or a bracelet but a one of a kind jewelry set from Tiffany or David Yurman presented on a stack of 800 count Egyptian cotton sheets by a man driving the new Maybach. Now you will never see any evidence of these unbelievable activities and once the story is told it might change 3 or 4 times after its first retelling. The thrill for the Embellisher is not the proof mind you but the story itself. The ability to make yourself larger than life is worth the stares and incredulous stares. No one ever believes the Embellisher, but that's not the point.

The No Point Liar

This is the person that has no idea they are lying after a while. They lie about shit that makes zero sense to lie about. Like what they ate or where they are or where they might go later. The No Point Liar hasn’t got any real reason for lying so it’s baffling why they do it. You'll call them as they are riding down the street wind blowing in the background and they will say "Yep I am just watching TV and getting ready to go to bed". Things that are just stupid that no one in their right mind even cares about. Who cares if you ate a burrito or a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner? No Point doesn’t even enjoy the art of a lie, in fact they don’t even know they are doing it.

Factoid

This is perhaps the most creative liar of them all. Factoid jumps in when there is a need for an explanation. Mind you the explanation is ALWAYS wrong. Factoid is creative and wants nothing more than to be the brightest guy in the room. Factoid knows the correct distance to the sun, the speed at which light travels, the exact type of concrete used to pour flooring, the legal system by heart, the birthplace of obscure jazz musicians, the origins of hip-hop music, the type and brand of lace front wig that Tyra Banks wears, and the correct nationality for every person born between 1972 and 2006.

Factoid knows EVERYTHING and nothing. This type of liar is so easy to spot its comical. Life is like a Mad Libs book for the Factoid, it’s just a matter of filling in the blanks with what sounds correct. I wrote about a Factoid early on who knows everything from breast feeding to soul food. Only a complete fool or the Expert would fall for this type of BS. The Expert loves an opportunity to chime in and say "I did that too" so it’s easy to see why these two would get along so well.

Folks just love to lie and why I will never know, but if you recognize a liar feel free to call them out. I have decided that calling folks out is what's hot for the 07, and I am going to start with a few Experts.

Lil Wayne Returns and So Does Christmas

It aint my birthday but I got my name on the cake. Sorry I just wanted to say that.

I am starting to be annoyed and frankly with it being Christmas time I don’t like it when folks start fucking with my Christmas Joy. I love the holidays and I anyone who Humbug's my Christmas might get cut with something rusty. I am serious about it, don’t fuck with my Christmas Joy.

Seriously, I am going to have to stop allowing anonymous comments if this assclown doesn’t quit posting that nonsense on my blog. It was amusing the first time but now I am annoyed, so let me just address it and be done.

No, I didn’t fucking read it
No, I wont fucking read it
No, you wont get any more airtime on my damn blog
No, I don’t give a fuck what it said or what you hope to accomplish by doing it.

Please I am asking nicely (and anyone who knows me knows that is a fucking stretch of the highest order) leave my comments section alone.

With that said I would like to return to my Christmas Joy.

I am a Holiday person, I just happen to be a Baptist so that means I celebrate Christmas, BUT hold on now there. I love the holidays period. I don’t care if you celebrate Kwanzaa or Hanukkah or any other derivative thereof. I am all for it. Roll out the decorations and bring on the food and family and fellowship. This is what I love about the season itself.

Now I know you are thinking how odd it must be that I am a complete cynic all year round and then December rolls around and I get a soft heart. Well, its strange but true. I love Christmas music (but not that jazzed up crap) some old and some new. The season for me hasn’t fully started until I hear three songs. Let it Snow by Boys II Men, All I Want for Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey, and Santa Claus is Coming to town by Pleasure (its a defunct go-go group).

I am the queen of gift giving and I love to see peoples faces light up and enjoy their surprises. I love angels, and cards, and peppermint and cookies and everything in between. Yes folks Christmas is SERIOUS business for me.

I live for charity events like visiting the Holiday Coalition out at on of my properties. That was amazing and just filled me with the spirit of the season. I went hunting for the perfect gift for the child who's name I picked off the tree here in the office. I was so excited to wrap it on Sunday night I could hardly contain myself. My closet is stuffed to the gills with gifts for everyone I could think of, including a special gift for the dog.

Saturday I went up to "the boyfriend's" and helped him decorate the tree. We got a bunch of special ornaments from Pier One, and we drank wine and listened to music that had NOTHING to do with Christmas, but it was so much fun. He used to be a real scrooge but I try to get him to experience the magic of the season by spending time with family and friends. He was actually excited about the tree this year, but he would deny it if you asked him.

I have a recipe for a white hot chocolate that I am going to make for everyone this weekend. After I stop past the liquor store and Best Buy I will be officially finished and I can move on to my pot luck recipe for tomorrow's gift exchange!

Wheeewww! I didn’t realize its only 6 days till Christmas! Are you ready?

Oh My Side!

I officially quit Justin Timberlake.
I have been laughing all day about this SNL nonsense. I am going home, my sides hurt.

Merry Christmas


I dont think I can ever forgive him for these two either.

More Confusing Than Lil Wayne Lyrics

Okay, so I get anonymous comments all the time. Some are cool, some are rude as fuck, and others....well then there are others like the one I got this evening. I just happened to be checking my gmail account when I stumbled upon an unmoderated comment (yes I do moderate comments and now I remember why) on Avin's Day.

It was in the topic "Just Catching Up" and I figured, oh great I have some unsolicited opinion on whether or not black comedians should be using the N word. Just what I want after a long day of driving and meeting and paying tolls. In a way I was thinking YES hate mail! Finally something to argue about that doesn’t involve the improper installation of a retail sign. I know, I know, I am weird as hell, but part of me is convinced that no one but my closest friends read this thing, and if there are others they are only reading up on me for a case study or something. Probably titled "What Crazy Looks Like" by Random Grad Student.

Anyway, man was I wrong! Some wingnut went and posted a damn dissertation in my comments about drawing disfavor from "the gods" and some other shit riddled with grammatical errors, typos and a severe under use of the enter button.

I gotta admit I did try to read it cause I wanted to see what side of the fence this lunchbox was sitting on, but frankly I gave up after the 80th run on sentence I was just fucking confused and bewildered. Really, its the strangest thing I have ever seen, and I am quite sure judging just by its length its a copy paste job, but someone had to write this nonsense initially. Anyway, I don’t have the energy to read the rest, I am about 1 cup of tea away from passing smooth out. Maybe one day if I am super bored or need to confuse myself for fun I will read it, but I just cant address it.

Anyone interested in reading this dissertation hit me up. I cant guarantee you that you'll understand it, or even be able to read it let alone complete it, but if you just gotta sleep and you need something stronger than Ambian and a Rubik’s Cube, I will forward it. It covers everything from AIDS in Africa to female genital mutilation, the crack epidemic to gang membership, black-on-black violence, Hip-Hop, Classic Rock, poverty, homosexuality, women, men, and anything else that might anger "the gods".

There s just confusion, and frankly I would argue...but I really just don’t understand it.

I am going the hell to bed, Good Night.

Sweet Escape My Ass

Would someone please explain to me what is going on with Gwen Stefani? I mean, I didnt discuss it when she went on the AMA's dressed like a gold lame Gretel, but I probably should have addressed it right then and there. Can I just have a moment of silence for the girl who made me sing "Trapped in A Box?"

Okay I am better now, but seriously someone hit me up. Call me, email me drop me a line and explain to me how you use a sample from the sound of music and yodel on your first single? I know she is trying to be edgy, I know that she is working with "lemme sing your hook" Skateboard P. but was there no one with the nuts to tell her that this was crazy?

Wind it Up is about the scariest single since that Popozao debacle FedEx put out. I really wanted to love it, and I wanted to support Gwen on her second solo outing, but when she broke into the yodling I stopped feeling bad about hating "Hollaback Girl". I am starting to fear that having that baby has robbed her of all common sense. I mean poor little Kingston, listening to his mommy yodel on record and thinking "Daddy better get Bush back together or we are screwed". At least thats what I would be thinking about now.

Then last night she was back on my damn TV on the Billboard awards in that one-piece gingham overall set with a live fucking sheep. I seriously have no words.

Just Catching Up

Sheesh I am tired as all hell. Last night was the office Holiday Party and we all had a great time. I am going to try and keep it brief as my homegirl has mentioned specifically that I not go too far in detail....but damn do I want to!!!

I do however feel like I got shorted a day on my weekend. Not that I don’t love the folks at my job, but when I just saw yall Friday, and then I see you Saturday and I only get Sunday to slow my brain, recuperate and think of anything but work...I feel shorted. Noting that my homegirl is going to give me shit about this one. Anyway, Christmas is coming and I have a ton of shit to do and no where near enough time or money to get it done. I think this happens every year but honestly I don’t really remember much these days. I actually started dreaming about work and that is never a good sign.

There was only one thing I wanted to address that’s been a recent head scratcher. Exactly who is calling for black comedians to stop using the "N" word? I am confused. First, I know that KKKramer isn’t really trying to say that because he hears this word from the likes of Paul Mooney, Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle that he got confused about it and thought it was okay to say it. I KNOW that’s not really his defense.

Second, I am not condoning the use of it, but if we are going to be real here lets just be real. Black people use that word, and it’s really not a secret. In our own families, in our own company yes, we use it and no it doesn’t mean the same thing. Maybe you are going to tell me "I don’t use it" well maybe you don’t but I bet your uncle or your grandma or your homeboy or someone in your circle does. I don’t know a black family that doesn’t have one soul in it who never said it. I won’t argue spelling or semantics I am just saying it exists amongst us for totally different reasons.

The point of this basically is the question, are we (as a whole) really taking responsibility for other people using this word?? Is it suddenly black people's faults that we are called racist names? I am fucking confused because that in my opinion is crazy. First that word wasn’t our creation, second when we flipped it and made it something else we didn’t do it for the benefit of others, third our use of it comical or otherwise has not and will not make it okay for others to use period. I know this is actually going to upset some folks but lets just get it into perspective, some shit is a cant for some people.

I just think it’s completely ridiculous to be put in a position of blame for this racist tirade. Mooney never condoned lynching when he said it so this "Black comedians have got to stop using the word" BS is just too much for me. How about you round up all the comedians who are confused about it, who think maybe its okay to say it and who have ill intentions by using it and you sign them to some sort of agreement, but quit harassing Chris Rock already. I already know he isn’t going to stop and frankly I don’t think he should have to. The distribution of blame is amazing in America and some how it’s always someone else’s fault.

Borat who?

Déjà vu seriously go see it. Its been a long time since I actually liked a movie enough to sit in a crowded ass theater on opening weekend and endure the hot ghetto mess that is Arundel Mills Mall. We decided to have dinner over at Chevy’s which was good. The boyfriend was already looking at me like it was a major mistake to go there for a 9pm movie with Ray-Ray and Uzi Clip but since we haven’t had a date night in months, he decided to risk it.

We did have a few irritants of course, like homegirl in the seat in front of me who was at very least 400lbs and talking on two cell phones at the same time. The Boyfriend leaned over to me at one point and said “I don’t care who that bitch is, she don’t need two damn phones and she aint that damn important” which caused me to snort my sprite through my nose. Of course she never heard me coughing though cause she was too busy yacking through the opening credits. It’s a testament to how good this movie is that she actually shut up and paid attention.

Was it “Man on Fire” good? Not quite, but was directed by the same guy, so it has that same feel to it. Tony Scott has a real knack for capturing scenes. It’s a different way of seeing that most of us just don’t think about. It really sets his movies apart from others.

I think Denzel did a great job (as usual) and I even liked a fatter Val Kilmer. It was great to see Erica Alexander again and Paula Patton did a fabulous job in her role. I think for a newcomer she is really about to do some really big things. In fact she and her husband are both doing big things this year. Her husband being Robin Thicke who’s CD I love so dearly.

So before I go on a Robin Thicke tangent, I will just stop there and say go see Déjà vu cause its totally worth it.

360 Degrees

Its easy to forget that karma really does exist sometimes. For years I have thought that karma was something that folks who got the short end of the stick said to make themselves feel better after getting screwed. I never really thought that the screwer got what they deserved in the end. Well, with the exception of the "I'll believe it when I see it" ideas I have about my exhusband ever getting a tiny scrap of the horror and evil he dished out to me and his son, I am pleased to report that indeed some things do come full circle.

Take for example one of my family members. He shall remain nameless because I am never really sure if anyone in my family reads this. Anyway, this particular family member tormented me for dating and marrying a white man from the time I was 13 until long after my divorce. I was told to "become white" my son was referred to as a "half breed" and I endured countless years of just general bullshit and snide comments associated with the fact that I had the audacity to date, marry and procreate with a white man. These comments have caused my mother to disown, and cuss out this particular individual, but lets not get stuck on that, lets get to the karma portion.

Fast forward, this particular family member who has a child older than my child and this child is actually a grown adult now in the process of embarking on a very lucritive career. VERY LUCRITIVE. The racist ass family member is and has been pleased as punch with the prospect of his child's earning potential. What this family member wasnt particularly pleased with was his child's choice of girlfriend. A lil white girl from Boston. Anyway, Wednesday evening we got a phonecall stating that not only was this girl 5 months pregnant BUT everyone has known for months with the exception of racist family memeber and wife. That ladies and gentlemen is karma.

When I heard I actually burst into laughter. I figure it couldnt have happened to a nicer guy and now all those years of ridicule I endured will finally mean something. Sometimes when you refuse to learn the lesson that god presents to you, he finds another way for you to learn it. I am sure it wont be easy and I am sure that his son now has to think about how important his career is or how he plans to care for this child but it can be done, I know I am living proof. Maybe tolerance is something you cant just talk about when you think its appropriate or in polite company. Maybe you have to do more than pay it lip service, and what better way to do that then to be forced to love the very thing you have vowed to hate.

Personally, they have my love, support and blessings and I cant wait to welcome that baby into our family. I think there is a world of love to be gained from our family and not all of us are assholes. Some of us will love you and accept you no matter what color you come out.
In other news I would like to take this opportunity to send one up to the lord for him to take a moment to teach the exhusband a few lessons. Particularly the one about public humiliation and can I be there to see it is all I ask cause I feel like he is WAY overdue to learn something.
Just a suggestion.

NEWSFLASH: Racism Alive and Well In America

Yeah I am sure yall are shocked right?

Well guess what I was actually taken aback by this one. Michael Richards, the comedian who played Kramer on Seinfeld lost his mind on Friday during his stand up routine at The Laugh Factory in West Hollywood. Apparantly, he was being heckled by some black guys in the audiance, and I guess comedians dont get heckled anymore or something, because he came completely unglued (or as I like to call it, showed his true colors) and started screaming and calling them niggas. Take a look for yourself.

http://www.tmz.com/2006/11/20/kramers-racist-tirade-caught-on-tape/

There was mass confusion apparantly because he must have been in the middle of his act when he decided to scream that and I quote "50 years ago we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass." Hmm, did he just advocate lynching two people who paid to see his show? I mean someone spell it out for me cause I am obviously too stupid to see how that could mean anything other than lynching.

Then he proceeds to go off with a stream of "niggers" and "motherfuckers" that made my jaw drop. Folks started getting real upset in the audiance and the two guys proceed to leave. The guys start screaming at him on the way out, which for all intents and purposes seemed pretty mild to me. Most folks would have charged the stage and stomped the life out of him. These guys started name calling back. Richards tried unsuccesfully to make light of it by saying "They're going to arrest me for calling a black man a nigger" but the damage was done, and folks were rolling out in droves.

Now, I personally never watched Seinfeld all that much. Mainly cause I figured I had other shit to watch in the same time slot, but it wasnt personal. I guess there are still a ton of folks who have us laughing every day that would just love to lynch us if we got out of pocket. Yes ladies and gents racism is still alive and we still have a long way to go.