Rescue Me - Condensed and SYTYCD

Okay I am not gonna go too far with either of these recaps but you'll get the basic drift.

Rescue Me - Chlymidia

Mrs. Turberdy is caught screwing her students, and Sheila finds out her son was one of them. She tells Tommy what happened and that the teacher gave them all Chlymidia.

Tommy spends the rest of the episode trying not to pee fire. Alicia (Susan Sarandon) steals Franco's daughter, and tells Tommy that the little girl feels disposable, and when Franco is ready to talk she will be there.

Maggie threatens to kill Tommy because Sean Garrity broke up with her. Sean decides he and Tommy are no longer friends. Probie is having trouble filling out his transfer papers. He and the roommate are still calling each other fags.

Chief's brother in law brings him a check to pay for his sisters upkeep at the nursing home, but rips it up when he sees the neighbor come down the stairs in her nightgown.

Oh and O'Reily's ex-wife is back in town, and though not interested in joining Tommy's plot to get back at Janet and O'Reily at first, next week's previews suggest otherwise.

SYTYCD Last nights show was fire (did I mention I am not a voter?)

Lets get right to it: Last week Joy and Jason got voted off which was no surprise to me. I figured someone was going to get it and it wasnt going to be that bitch ass Dmitry. He stays throwing his partner under the bus, but I will get to that in a minute.

First up were Ben and Ashley who I thought looked extra cute but got saddled with a shitty routine. It was supposed to be hip-hop to Ushers "Caught Up" but It didnt look like it to me. Ursha sucks anywho, so I see why they didnt do so well. Old hip-hop chick called it "STRAN'GE" and all I could think was "How much of white America just did that Scooby Doo head tilt and hrrrh move"

Then Heidi and Ryan got out there and did the Cuban Rhumba. The crypt keeper thought it was going to be some old American Rhumba BS, but it was more like tribal African dance. I gotta hand it to Leatherface though, she worked it, and the routine was off the hook. Remind me to have that Alex Da Silva's baby m'kay. Crowd loved it, Judges loved it..straight fiyah.

Next up were Ivan and Alison who wore OUT the Argentine Tango. They are fucking, I am sure of it. This was another Alex (mybabydaddy) Da Silva routine and it was hotter than the Afro Cuban dance. Those lifts and drops and all that chemistry between them was almost too much for an old girl like me. Da Silva keeps this up and I might just become his stalker.

Then there was Dmitry's (throw a bitch down and step on her) ass and Aleksandra doing the waltz. Of course Dmitry is the god of all things ball room but just like he carried the shit out of Joy, he did the same shit to Aleksandra. Rolling his eyes and acting like she is too stupid to breathe. Look just cause cackling ass Mary Murphy wants to fuck you, doesnt mean you are all that great. Go sit down.

Then one of my favorite couples came out. Donyelle and Benji. They did some sort of Pop Jazz to Dani Minogue's "Put the needle on it" which I swear I have heard before. Anyway they of course proceeded to run it better than lil Chris Brown. Homegirl was serious with it, and Benji was not hardly playing. Stran'ge! Poor Poor Musa and Natalie... How sexy could yall be doing the foxtrot anyway? I loved the outfit Natalie was wearing, but thats where my accolades stop. It was very ungood and nothing I hope they ever have to repeat. Sadly even after the bang up job they did last week, they might not make it this week thanks to this shitty routine.

Jessica and Jaymz. First, I hate to keep bringing this up, but wtf is with his name?? Seriously I know you arent exactly a white guy, but um...your name is really fucking me up. Either your momma was ignorant as hell or you are a pretentious name changing fuck. Whewww okay with that said, I loved their routine to "Lets Go" by Frou Frou. That song is a Greys Anatomy song, I know it. It was contemporary, but she did a damn good job. The whole routine I am thinking she looks like someone, and I finally figured it out. She looks like a cross between Fiona Apple and Lee Lee Sobieski. See for yourself.

Just as I am thinking CAN WE GET TO TRAVIS ALREADY!!! Here they come. That boy is the TRUTH! I cant call it any other way. Martha...well um, she has great legs. Why does she have to look so diesel in the upper body and face? Anyway, they did another not quite hip hop routine to Chris Brown's Just fine, where Travis pretended to persue her, and Martha pretended not to be a tranny. Ehh I knew the judges would hate it but as usual Travis was hot to death (did I just say that?) and if I were voting he would get mine every time.

So my prediction for this weeks losers? Aleksandra and Musa though I wish it were that bitch ass Dmitry. He need his ass whipped just on GP. Later Ladies and Menses

Crazy Wednesday Crap

So I dont really feel like rehashing all of what is going on today but there is a shitload of gossip a-happening in Hollywood

First for a bunch of pics of the BET awards with its non-singing folks and shitty sound system, go to Crunk & Disorderly, its two stories down. Fresh has the good shit on that. Me I can only comment on the fact that Keishya Cole's new name is Superhood, and the bitch cant sing, but you knew that already.

Next is Shitney Spears and her attempt at damage control. How exactly do you follow a catastrophic interview were all sorts of shit was going wrong with naked photos? I mean how does that work exactly. Wanna see the naked bumpkin? Go to Perezhilton's site. Oh and if you are the least bit bored, take out your frustrations on Federfuck with this game. Its worth it trust me.

Third is the debacle that is Starzilla's exit from the view. It truly has become a media nightmare. I dont care to hear about what she thinks or what Barbara W. thinks, or what her flaming Fire Island hubby thinks neither. I mean she is entitled to her tantrum I guess. Everyone should be allowed to kick over that trash can Dave Chapelle style when you quit. Wanna hear more about Star and all that is The View? Go see Trent at Pinkisthenewblog. He has it covered. Just scroll past Shitney, the Bey, the BET run down and Nicole and Keith Urban.

Oh and just for shits and grins, my cousin sent me this and frankly I cant stop laughing. Maybe its not right for a Psych major to laugh so hard at this, but I mean damn this girl is off her rocker!

University of MD + Student Loans = Complete Bullshit!

Why me? Why the fuck does it have to be me?? I am a semi nice person with a decent head on her shoulders. I typically don’t fuck with others unless provoked, yet and still I get the short end.

Someone at UMCP or FAFSA is lying their asses off. Either I don’t owe Maryland U money, or I don’t owe 5k for classes in 04/05. Which the hell one is it? It can’t be both! How do I owe you money if I am paying that money back right now??? All I was trying to do was register for my classes, and here comes the bullshit brigade of what I supposedly owe. This is exactly why I hate school. I should have just gone to Beauty school and said "fuck higher education". I should have learned a damn trade or become a caterer.

Nope, I wanna waist my life giving all my hard earned money to Maryland U. Its too late to back out of this damn degree now. I have lost years of evening sitting in classes watching assholes lecture. I have put countless miles on my vehicle going to and from campus and circling parking lots looking for free parking, or paying for parking. No, I have wasted countless precious hours doing shit I hate for this fucking degree and damn it I will have it. If only to set it a blaze in defiance of all the time effort and money it has cost me.

I will fight it out with the financial aid fucks on campus, but I will finish this damn piece of shit degree if it kills me. I want my fucking life back.

The Ultimate Fighter 3 - Final Octagon

T.U.F 3 ended Saturday night and it was an excellent show.
5 fights and the main event was the least exciting.

Unfortunately I missed watching it on Saturday night since I was busy steaming crabs and having fun with the boyfriend and his family. We were exhausted by the time we got home so I had to catch the action the next morning. Judging by the UFC website I must have fast forwarded through a fight, because they mentioned Ross and Rory and I didn’t see any parts of that.

First up were Keith Jardine and Wilson Gouveia which was a really decent fight.

I figured Jardine was outmatched the way Gouveia practically ran the first two rounds, but then Keith got his shit together and mangled Wilson the last round, which IMO clenched the win for him. Judges agreed too, 29-28 Jardine from each of the three judges.

Then the Ultimate Fighters took each other on for the contracts and titles.
Middleweight bout between 6'6 Hawaiian Kendall "Spider" Grove and Ed "Short Fuse" Herman was well worth the wait.

That was by far one of the best fights I have ever seen, and neither of them was willing to go down. Including Grove, who was slammed on his head and neck repeatedly by Ed who was trying to break a tight Triangle Hold. At the end Ed looked like he was in difficulty too, when Kendall had him in a vicious rear naked choke. Ed held out for what seemed like an eternity, holding his breath and turning an alarming shade of red, refusing to tap. I think he would have let Kendall kill him rather than tap. In the end the decision had all 3 judges giving Kendall the fight, but in a stunning turn of events Dana White awarded them both contracts. I actually cheered out loud, because they both deserved it. It was the damn closest fight I have ever seen.

Then there was the Mike Bisping Josh Haynes light heavyweight fight. I don’t have much to say about this, not really. I kinda feel like Josh has been outmatched by most of the dudes on the show, and he damn sure didn’t have a prayer in hell of beating Bisping. The announcers kept on yammering about how much heart Josh showed, but I never really saw him do anything to strike back, except throw that wild errant head-down windmill. Most of the fight it was him trying to fend off the attacks from Bisping. Big John finally stopped the fight when it was clear Josh was getting his ass whipped. Surprise, he didn’t beat Bisping. Yawn, stretch lets keep it moving.

Next I watched the Main Snore...I mean Event.
Kenny Florian laid the smack down on Sam Stout in a mind twisting 46 second in the first round. It was over so fast I didn’t enjoy it.

That fight ended so fast that I looked up and Matt the deaf guy and Jesse who got his ass beat by Josh two weeks ago are in the ring slugging it out. Matt easily beat Jesse like everyone else seems to, and that was that.

Matt who I give props for being a great wrestler would have worked my nerves as much as he worked Bisping’s. I really wanted to see those two go at it, but something tells me I have to wait a while longer. So there ya have it folks, your T.U.F. Champions!

See ya next season! (Oh wait, I’ll still have to report on the Shamrock/Ortiz fight.)

Like A Star

Okay if you havent heard already, the new must have CD this summer is Corinne Bailey Rae's self titled debut. Think the poetry of Fiona mixed with the sweet soul of Amel Larreiux, without the anger or hidden meaning. Like a british Goapele/Sade. Its sexy without being overt, and playful without being childish. Makes you want to sit on the porch with a tall glass of lemonade and a pretty sundress.
Check it out for yourself on Hear Music First on VH1. The whole album is available for a good listen, but I already bought my copy from iTunes. So, highly reccomended for summer, so girl put your records on, tell me your favorite song, you go ahead...let your hair down.

Top 5 Challenge - Ghetto Games

Top 5 Ghetto/Innapropriate things you've done at your desk.

1. Plucked my eyebrows - It was an emergency! I looked like Wolfman Jack!
2. Listen to the unsensored Hip-hop Yahoo station and sing along.
3. Take off my toenail polish - Okay that was an emergency too, I didnt have time to fix it before I left the house. (I also repolished them just now)
4. Pop gum or my knuckles or both at the same time.
5. Lotion my feet with a big ass jar of beauty supply store lotion.

Yes I know I suck. So name your 5, I dare you.

I Could Have Watched All Night

So I am FINALLY ready to discuss SYTYCD (So you think you can dance)

Took me a minute, but never mind all that, lets get to it!

There are a few couples on this show that amaze me, and other that I am just not quite sure what the hell is going on.

First up last night was Martha and Travis, who last week did a very convincing broadway dance to "Steam Heat". I loved the performance but her suspenders/shorts/jog bra w/sequins outfit was a horrible distraction!! Travis on the other hand looked great, but damn why they gotta set the sista up like that? This week they did a crumping routine to probably the wackest song they could find Ja Rule's "Clap Back". This was a perfect opportunity for me to see someone work the hell out of E-40's "Tell Me When to Go" but no, they chose that lil rat boy's song. BTW has anyone seen or heard from Ja Rule? That midget is missing in action, NOT that I want him back or anything, I just think its fishy when you have all this beef and then dissapear. I bet he is locked up in 50's basement. Anyway, Travis worked the hell out of that song, while Martha just kinda did her best to keep up. It was a good performance IMO, one of the best of the night, but I already see who the star in this combo is, and it aint Martha.

Next up were Jessica and Jaymz (who's name irritates me).
They did the foxtrot to "Why Dont You Do Right". It looked okay to me, but it wasnt any big damn deal.

Third up were Allison and Ivan, who did an off-beat hip-hop dance to Busta's "Touch It".
No comment

Next, were Joy and Dimitri who were supposed to be doing a Samba, but let me tell ya, Dimitri spent the routine flinging Joy around, and Joy is NO Stacy Keebler when it comes to the Samba. That lil girls legs didnt even look like they were moving. Plus, she had that frozen deer in headlights look on her face the whole time. Needless to say the judges ate her alive.

Now, best performance of the night as far as I was concerned belonged to Natalie and Musa. They worked the hell out of Goapele's "Closer" with a contemporary number. Now I hate contemporary/lyrical, cause I feel like its just crackhead-dance. You neither need rhythm nor timing to make this dance work, and I just cant get that to make sense in my head. Despite the fact that I dont consider it dance, these two just had amazing chemistry, and Musa who is a hip-hop dancer, made that shit look easy. I was impressed, but I also like the song so that might have colored my opinion a bit.

Then there was Brian and Heidi the crypt keeper. How old is this bitch? She looks 45 in the face. Its terrible. I mean is it sun damage, cause if so I am never going outside again!
These two did a pop routine to Walkaway by Kelly Clarkson. No Comment

Next, lil Ashley and Ben did American Jive to Great Balls of Fire. I found it entertaining, and I thought they did well for two dancers who dont really mess with that style. They are cute and fun to watch anyway. The asscrack judge who's name I always forget, the one who's the shorter, younger hip-hop version of Randy Jackson. He didnt like it at all but hey, I never like what he wears so we are even.

Aleksandra and Jason did Old School hip-hop to The Wrath of Kane by Big Daddy Kane. Hated it!

Finally it was time for the last act...this show was two emm effing hours last night!
Donyelle and Benji did the cha-cha to some song I didnt know, but it got the most applause and it was straight fire if you ask me. Some of these kids are pretty talented.

Okay thats my recap, Enjoy your day!

Rescue Me - Sparks

Somehow I thought this weeks episode was going to be more about them rescuing the bus full of rich kids and the backlash after they "supposedly" left that black guy to die. All of about 10 min was dedicated to that story line. The rest of the show was basically Tommy and his trials and tribulations.

Franco is still seeing Alicia (Susan Sarandon) and feeling weird about it cause she is so much older and his daughter loves her. Sean finally came clean to Tommy about seeing his sister Maggie, even though Tommy already knew. Lou is still all fucked up about his wife leaving him and the hooker/porn star taking him for all his cash, so he tries to end it all on the third rail of a subway, except a homeless man gets in the way trying to kill himself first. Lou finally tells Tommy whats been going on and moves in.

Probie who last week had his head on his roommates shoulder as the show went off, was this week getting a blowjob from the roommate while watching the damn hockey game!! That confirmed it for me, but wait! They actually argue about the fact that neither of them are ghey cause its "just blowjobs" Um, where I come from, when you are a male with another males dick in your mouth thats ghey. Anyway, fistfight ensues cause Probie though perfectly fine with receiving, is not down with giving, which he asserts makes him "less homo" than roommate dude. Whatever yall just stop already, yall are ghey.

Janet calls Tommy for a sit down meeting so they can divide up all the marital assets, Maggie calls on the back of Janet's call to say that she is screwing Sean but doesnt love him, Sheila calls to instruct Tommy to go to the sperm bank so they can produce a male aire for Tommy's dad now that Connor died. Why these two dont just have sex is beyond me, they were doing it all last season, and now its a problem? Mrs. Turberdy calls on the back of Sheila's call to say that she needs Tommy to come over and give her some or she is calling his nephew to handle the job.

See, I dont like this Teacher/Student(nephew)/Tommy storyline. I dont find remotely interesting but apparantly this is every man's dream and what the fuck ever.

So Tommy goes to see the teacher tramp, then goes to the sperm bank and cant manage to produce enough so he has to come back the next day. Which he does and proceeds to drop the cup at the crucial moment. Desk dude askes him to come back the next day and produce more, this time without the dust and dirt from the floor. Somewhere in this, Tommy at the end goes to see Janet to hash out the divorce crap. O'Reily is at some bar a half hours drive away, per their agreement, and leaves once Tommy gets to the house.

In classic Tommy and Janet fashion, they fight and then wind up screwing on the couch just before O'Reily gets there. Of course he doesnt catch them though, Janet's changes her top and Tommy is long gone. Un-fuckin-believable! This show gets wilder each time I watch it.
Anyway, next weeks previews show Teacher Tramp in handcuffs, and something about her giving the 3 students she was screwing Chlamydia. Next frame you see Tommy itching which means Janet's gotta have it and will give it to O'Reily who will eventually find out that Tommy screwed Janet. Clusterfuck and new rib breaking beatdown ensues I am sure.
Later

The Day the Music Died

Sometime over the last couple years, music in general took a big fat nose dive. I don't remember exactly who started this crappy music trend but I am sure it was sometime right around Coolio and Gangsters Paradise.

I am particularly dismayed at the state of hip-hop in general. The shit that passes for music these days is just astounding. Now, don't get me wrong I am a rap head. I like it now, and I liked it then. I however don't like stupid shit, rap or otherwise. Laffy Taffy...wtf? Good Googly Moogly...Are you fucking serious? This shit I can not get with, and I have been known to bounce to some pretty ignorant shit. I blame this candy and nursery rhyme phenomenon on Nelly. Him and his Down Down Baby hand clap bullshit and Speedy Gonzales rapping have just fucked the game all up. Suddenly everyone can just run around singing about any damn thing.

Speaking of Nelly, yesterday themakeupgirl and I were discussing Janet's new single "Call Me" with none other than the prince of nursery rhyme rap. We agreed that this cut sucks the high hard one. What the hell is Janet doing singing this 22 year old bullshit anyway? The track is weak, Nelly is weak, and JD! Can we just talk about JD for a minute??? Jermaine -we represent the lollipop guild- Dupri. Tell me how you gonna set your girl up like that? I mean you manage to pull off the comeback of the century for Mariah Carey and yet you cant fashion a decent first single for your damn girlfriend?? Makeupgirl suggested that perhaps he signed a contract that he would save all his dope beats for Mariah. Otherwise, there is just no good explanation for this shit.

This is the same crosseyed midget who brought us So So Def Allstars "My Boo" and Chris Cross "Jump", "Money Aint A Thing" with Jay-Z, and "Welcome to Atlanta" with Luda among other songs. We know he can produce good music, and thats why I am so confused! All he can muster for the woman who still decided to date his crappy ass after the IRS came an took all his shit was this crap crap crap ass "Call Me" single with Nelly! Shit even Beyonce got Slim Thug and Bun B!! Nelly's last hit was "Tip Drill" and trust me, no one was interested in the lyrics to that song, just the video.

I mean we all know that Janet is no Mariah, and frankly I dont have Janet doing any serious soulful music, but shit if you are the reigning queen of pop music (cause Britney fell off faster than a billy goat down an Applilachian trail) the act like it. Be on some "I lost 70lbs and my new shit is tighter than Rhythm Nation, Janet, Velvet Rope, All 4 U, and Damita Jo, so fuck you very much and have a great day" shit. Don't come wack! I mean, if the midget cant touch the pedals in the Bentley, then you wouldn't let him drive would you? He is obviously not touching the pedals on this one, so don't let that fool drive your career! I mean, I side with who I fuck, but he isn't in charge of a multi-million dollar career and record deal either. Come on, what good is all that weightloss and photoshop if you wind up sitting next to Christina Milian and Tweet wondering what the fuck happened?

Beyonce is sitting somewhere right now counting her cash while Jay holds her purse, thinking to herself "Thank god, for Mr. Def Jam and The Master Cleanse". Speaking of Bey, I hear she didn't get good feedback on her new single with Hov either, but chances are it wont matter when her album drops. Its supposed to come out on her 6th 25th birthday later this summer, just in time to beat Janet out of the gates. Bet you no one wack like Nelly is going to be on her damn album. Mr. Def Jam aint having his woman look all crazy singing mother goose rhymes, believe that!
Alright, that's it, later!

Today was a good day

Heel, toe, do-si-do come on baby let's go!
Caddilac, BlackJack baby meet me out back
Get down, turn around go to town Boot Scootin Boogie

1. Ahhh, you just ever had a morning where shit turned out right? I woke up before the alarm which is mindblowing.
2. I was out the door exactly at 7:30 and I dropped off my son's PSP charger to him, went to the grocery store, had breakfast with the King, and still made it to work by 8:30.
3. Hogmaw's is in a good mood
4. I saw myself in a skinny mirror...dont you just love those???
5. The boyfriend called to ask me which cruise I would like to take next year.
6. Happy go lucky 90's Country music is playing on Yahoo radio

Life is so extra nice sometimes. Okay, lets get down to business.

First, I am not going to talk about Shittney Spears. If you want the bomb recap of the trainwreck she staged on dateline read Melissa's page. I cant even get into it with that level of detail. Her shit is clear, consice and funny as fuck.

I been feeling like death lately so I have chosen not to update with any type of consistancy. No one wants to hear about my health issues anyway. First up is Rescue Me.

I missed talking about the most graphic and believable asswhippin I have ever witnessed in TV history last week and for that I apologize. For those who didnt see it, Tommy finds out that Janet's been giving the goods to O'Reily (Johnny Gavin) at his fathers 50-11th birthday party. Apparantly Tommy dropped the napkin and these two are playing squeeze the knee under the table. Kids all close, grandad like 2 feet away. Damn, yall just couldnt wait could you? So Tommy catches the hand holding and proceeds to dive across the table for O'Reily's throat. From there it turns into a UFC fight with Tommy using every elbow and ground and pound tactic his Irish streetfightin ass can think of. Janet's dumb ass tries to intervene but she gets knocked back.

FFWD - Tommy sends O'Reily through a car window, walks off, Janet stays with dumb ass beat down brother bleeding in the street. This week, Tommy isnt talking about it, and the focus shifts to him and Mrs. Turberdy's (sp) ho ass. I have no love for this storyline. Anyway, long story short Franco is screwing Susan Sarandon, Lou is broke and a pissy drunk on weekends and evenings, and Probie is GHEY! Or at least thats how they made it look. Oh and Tommy knows that Sean is sleeping with his sister Maggie. So much for this week.

Next up SYTYCD...I dont have the energy.

NEXT!

The Ultimate Fighter

I find this show so disturbingly addictive. Its like Real World but you get the pound the crap out of your roommates every week...wait bad example. Its like Tough Enough season 1, but without the women, Hardcore Holly and the back injuries. This was the last show to determine which four would fight it out for on the 24th for the Middleweight and Light Heavyweight titles, oh and for a UFC contract. The first fight between Ed and Rory was not half as entertaining as watching the two of them fuck up each other's gear. Kendall Grove started all that shit by writing Rory is gay all over the house and on his gear. Rory, who I think is a lil slow to begin with, immediately thought it was Ed. Now, the backstory on Rory (hey that rhymed) is that he is just a dirty ass slob. Anytime you have other dudes calling you funky and dirty, you know its a problem. Ed used to room with the slob, but couldnt seem to keep the level of funk from fucking with him, so he first moved in a plant, when that shit didnt work, he moved the fuck out.

Cut to the gym a few days later. Rory apparantly feeling slighted by Ed's decision to move out, makes the incorrect assumption that Ed was fucking with his gear. Corky takes out a magic marker and writes all kinds of 3rd grade BS all over Ed's gear oh and did I mention, he took Ed's glove and wiped his bare stankin ass with it. Ed in turn finds out and decides to piss on Rory's headgear amongst some other juvenile BS. In the end they have a screaming match, and the the actual fight, in which Ed (who previously looked like he just wanted to go the fuck home) commenced to taking Rory all the way down to Chinatown in round two. Tito was lookin mad dissapointed in Rory, and he knew old dude just basically waved the white flag. Pitiful, you discrace Team Ortiz!

Next fight was between the British Brawlers Mike (I whip ya when I wanna) Bisping and Ross (kick a mufugga when he's down) Pointon. I was sorta worried about this one, but that flying knee that shot out of no where and connected with Ross chin was the precursor to a can of jolly ol'e British ass kickin courtesy of "The Count" Done deal! Pack your shit Ross and say hi to the queen for me, cause your ass is going home. Anyway, the fight was off the meter and everyone was happy go lucky at the end! They even promised to have a pint afterwards!

All this shit was the lead up to the much anticipated Shamrock vs. Ortiz fight. I'll discuss that one later.

Well one last thing, this morning in my haste to leave I made the mistake of spilling some shmutz on my pants. So I get one of those new Tide On the Go thingies and 5 mins later the stain is gone and I dont look like a jackass with shmutz on her pants. Seriously, go cop that shit, its mad crucial. Yeah anyway it works.

See ya!

Sugar Smacks + Clusters - 1/2 Sugar = Kashi Go Lean

I now know why Kashi Go Lean doesn’t get soggy. It’s made from Styrofoam. Once again I am going to try and get on the weight loss bandwagon. So today I will be a good girl, eat my sticks and rocks cereal, and go to the gym and run at lunchtime. I will eat my lemon juice covered tuna, with my oh so tasty triscuts, drink plenty of water and try not to go home and eat everything in sight.

The thing that I hate about dieting is how limiting it is. I have choices, but they are shitty choices, and none of them taste like a burger from 5 Brothers. I can eat grilled chicken with brown rice, or ramen noodles without the seasoning packet, a teaspoon of soy sauce and steamed veggies. I can eat every type of lean cuisine known to man. I can eat cans and cans of tuna in various forms from plain, to mixed with Taboule Salad, or couscous. I can even splurge on a fat piece of salmon to throw on the Foreman, seasoned with Gray Salt and served on a bed of pilaf or pasta. None of these things excite me. I don’t find any of that stuff remotely fun or enjoyable to the palate. This eating light situation is for the birds. Not to mention every time I cook something remotely healthy, my boyfriend looks at me as if I have just presented him with Rat Poison Stew.

He is the monkey wrench in all my weight loss plans because he resists any attempts to eat anything that wont speed his journey to high blood pressure and diabetes. I can’t seem to get him to exercise either. Saturday mornings I wake up ready to run or walk or do something that doesn’t involve watching whatever Tivo recorded while I slept. The boyfriend however seems averse to anything sun or outdoor related. Some mornings its worth dragging him out of bed, others…not so much. That’s why today I have decided to start running again. I just simply can’t count on him as a workout buddy. When we were in Jamaica this spring we went to the resort gym together. I ran nonstop for 30 min on a broken ass treadmill because some asscrack was using the good one to take a leisurely stroll. Thanks jackass, this is Jamaica, go walk on the damn beach and give me my fucking treadmill. The boyfriend lifted weights. Now, I won’t knock weight lifting, but he did zero cardio. Then he tried to say that playing basketball the other night (i.e. throwing up bricks for 10 min) was enough cardio.

Did I mention he is a former Army Drill Sgt? So on the off chance I do get him to come out to the lake he ruins it. This fool LOVES to bark out orders, babbling about 40 lb ruck sacks and 20 mile marches and all kinds of BS. Sure guy, but you were 25, not 32. Stop staring at me calling out your crappy cadence while I take my run around the lake. I don’t need a fitness instructor, I just need someone to shut up and keep up, especially since you are about 40% red meat, and 60% alcohol. I need him to go take a look at that belly he is rocking these days, and how he can’t seem to get his shirts to cover it. Wish me luck people, I hate running and I LOVE Coldstone.

We Belong Togetherrrrrrrrrrrr

Oh Mariah why have you forsaken me!! Why must your tickets cost so much and why oh why is your show on a Thursday night! The very idea that I might miss her on tour is much more than I can stand! So now I am begging my boyfriend to buy me tickets.
*sigh*
I just know this is going to go over poorly.
Pray for me people

White on White thats Rick Ross or Avin's pants...you decide.

Good Afternoon and all that good stuff. It’s another fun filled hot ass day in Gaithersburg, MD the interracial couple capital of the world. Don’t write me letters okay, I'm perfectly fine with it sheeesh some folks are so touchy! Besides you can’t be this yellow and not be white somewhere.

Today I submit to you for your general entertainment this point to ponder If Avin wears white pants on a random Thursday after Memorial Day of course, and goes out to an Italian restaurant for lunch where the bulk of what is served is oily or tomato based, how long before the fashion disaster occurs? I am pleased to report that as of this moment, I have not destroyed said big white sized 12 pants with extra large ass inside. Yeayyyy for me! Day's not over folks.

I have a few topics to discuss today if I might. First, I was watching the news last night, and they were talking about an airbag theft ring. This story completely disturbed me as I could not get my brain around thieves wanting airbags. Now from what I gather, they are being sold to these bargain basement repair shops for a couple hundred dollars. Then you say "but why do you care Avin?" It’s simple really. I drive the extra shittiest of shitty vehicles. Okay maybe it’s not Ray Cash's Old School Delta 88, but lemme tell ya, my 10 year old Rav4 has seen better days. It still manages to get me from point A to point B, albeit slowly and while leaking oil, but it does the trick. The reason for my concern is this. I live at the corner of ghetto and gang, where I have been robbed on two separate occasions for my head unit. About a year ago I decided that I wasn’t providing anyone else with Kenwood gifts, so I just carried it and didn’t buy a radio.

Cute right? I might as well write OWNED across that picture. I just fuckin flat out refuse to buy a new damn radio. They aint getting me again damn it. For a while I would just listen to my ipod on the way to the metro. Then I quit the job with Hitler and started having to drive out here to west hell. Well I realized that there is a huge difference between listening to an ipod for a 5 min ride and having to listen to it for 45 min in both directions every day. So I broke down and got a radio...

Awww YEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH that shit is Fiyah Right??? Don’t hate don’t hate!! Yall aint fresh as I'miz...What you know about that???

Okay I am done trippin, seriously this shit has gotten me a rack of confused ass looks and big loud ass laughs. Folks have offered to buy me a new radio after looking at that thing. The best by far was my best friend Suzanne who got in and said "When did you get Sirus Satellite Radio?" Then she commence to cracking up so hard I almost put her ass out. This shit is demoralizing! So imagine me, no radio, empty dashboard having Avin, comes out her craptacular two bedroom closet for work and my airbags are gone. I mean, can you just feel what type of humiliation would come from that? I would have to just drive that bitch off a bridge. Seriously, am I really gonna replace airbags in a 10 year old bucket that doesn’t even have a radio? I don’t see it. So yeah, I am a touch paranoid about the airbag thieves, SUE ME.

Second topic - So You Think You Can Dance
And folks, don’t take that title so loosely, that shit is real. Most of these asshats (ashburnite's word) only "think" they can dance, cause physically that shit aint happening.

Case in point: Frozen Face Tap Dancer Girl

I will admit she was working the foot portion of the routine, but she looked dead from the neck up. She was just stunned into a botox stare. That shit was crazy, and then she had the nerve to say she was smiling afterwards. Girl you better run back that tape. You were doing no parts of smiling.

Next up: Ghetto Ballet Lorenzo Lamas

Seriously, this dude is exactly why I got involved in psychology. If I had finished that damn degree I could be living in an Estate home off what his delusional brain could yield alone. This clown tells some hokie ass darkness of evil, and how he was in a ballet company story for a full 5 min before he prances out in a black onesie and proceeds to fuck up every ballet move known to man. I’ve seen 4 year old girls that could flip a pirouette on your ass like Baryshnikov and this fool wobbled his corny ass into a grande jet'e that looked like a shaky crackhead hover/dance. I am glad they didn’t go light on his ass. You could hear a collective "WTF" after he was done. Mary and Brian dug in that ass. Sorry Lorenzo, you aint fooling nobody. NEXT!

Next was: Language Barrier Girl

I kinda felt bad for her cause it was clear she didn’t understand how serious *chuckle* this show is. I mean she was just having some fun with a move "this kind of move" and "this kind of move" and "this kind of move" She had "All kind of move" (yall hating) and poor thing. They seriously hurt her feelings. Tears and the whole nine, but I gotta give it to her cause she did sorta carry the fuck outta them with "How high education they have?" I fell out! How high indeed girlie, go ask em cause I kinda wanna know that shit now.

Last but not least was: Sweaty Stripper Girl

Okay how do you not know you are sweating through your leotard? I mean the pit stains were amazing. She needs to go botox that shit or something cause its not cute. I could smell the funk through the TV. All that gyrating with your leotard hike up your chorcha is not cute. She was swinging her arms and head around so much Mary commented that she looked like she was being attacked by a swarm of bees. You are a stripper and not a very good one if you are flinging sweat to and fro like that. Uggh just nassy.

Makeupgirl left me an angry ass message last night which bordered on blind rage about this show. I was too busy laughing to call back, this show is high quality entertainment I shit you not!
Okay so this was long and ridiculous, and I just thought I had a few things to say. I best get back to work. Everyday I'm Hustlin...

Rescue Me Spoiler Alert!!

Okay so if you watch Rescue Me last night you were as floored as I was by Janet's "New Boyfriend" and if you didn’t see it stop reading right now and keep it moving cause I am about to tell it.

Not O'Reily!! How she gonna be sleeping with O'Reily?? (I refuse to call Dean Winters by his Rescue Me name just like I refuse to call Adebisi "Mr. Eko" on LOST. Everyone from OZ keeps their old name. Det. Stabler is always going to be Keller and Johnny Gavin is always going to be Ryan O'Reily)

So how about that shit! Talk about a twist. I think Tommy is going to lose his mind once he finds out. Basically, O’Reily has privileged information and not to mention he is practically Tommy’s confidant. I can’t figure out who I am more disgusted by, Janet or O’Reily. The funny part is the kids seem to be completely cool with it, cause they aint telling Tommy shit. Tommy can kiss that “future sobriety” mess goodbye. First the priest brother with the predilection for young boys, now your other brother is screwing your wife/ex-wife. Not to mention your whacked out sister (Tatum O'Neal) is banging that dumb ass co-worker boy Garrity. Tommy gets a hold of that info (which it looks like he might just do per the "tune in next week" part of the show last night) Garrity is a dead man. I seriously love this show, but I gotta admit there are a few shows I missed last season, so I am all out of the loop on how Sheila got away from the abusive Lesbo, and I don’t really know why the hell Laura is gone either. Thanks to my trusty Tivo, that will never happen again.

Oh I almost forgot, before I watched RM, I watched Last Comic Standing. Some of those folks are hysterical. Others…not so much. I am rooting for a few whose names I can’t remember at this very moment, but if they make it through the next round I’ll mention them here. The redhead with the whore joke is worth mentioning for sure. Get this, I see Michael Collier as one of the hopefulls and he doesn’t get picked? What the fuck is that? That guy is on my TV set every night on ComicView. Who would have guessed a show on BET doesn’t pay well? Imagine that.

Well I wish I had more to discuss, but that was the highlight of my evening.
Later people.

Yawn....

I just wanted to add that I hate coming back to work after a 3 day weekend.
Its hard to get started and even harder to keep moving.

Its 90 trillion degrees outside today
My hair looks like a ch-ch-ch-chia!
Lychee may taste good but it causes sores in your mouth
Bowie is the white trash capital of Maryland
I ate a bag of Andy Capp Hot Fries
I want to go buy MAC makeup and shoes for the rest of the evening
I get off at 5:30
Porkrind never showed up, thank god!
My new favorite songs are Kick Push by Lupe Fiasco, Holla at me Baby by DJ Khaled, Hustlin by Rick Ross, and Why ya wanna by T.I.
I was supposed to go get gas at lunch and didnt
I was supposed to go to the bank at lunch and didnt
The guy in the office next to me is trying unsuccessfuly to grow a beard
The guy in the office next to me must be colorblind cause he wears lots of yellow, pink and green
and finally, no matter what a stripper tells you, there is no sex in the Champagne Room

Memorial Day Weekend

Time to update this thing and boy do I have a story to tell today.

I am going to skip out on the LOST commentary but I do have a few TV related points to make.

PLEASE people quit bitching cause all of the islands questions werent answered. It would be called the series finale if they told you everything, not season finale. If you hate the show that much then stop watching it. Quit fucking it up for the rest of us that like a good mystery.

The Deadliest Catch on Discovery is one of my new favorite shows. Not cause I like fishing, and not cause I find fishermen remotely sexy in any way shape or form. No, its cause that show is just so damn interesting. I dont know how they made a show about crabbing out in Alaska remotely entertaining, but they did it.

The season premiere of Rescue Me starts tonight! I already set the season pass on the Tivo.

So you think you can dance is back....You know, I tried to discuss this show once before on this blog and I just couldnt do it. So I am attempting yet again to make sense of this shit. First off, where do these people come from? I mean I know I say the same shit about the American Idol hopefulls, but seriously unless youve had formal training, where do you get off thinking you can do the Foxtrot on national TV? Second, is there some sort of prize or notariaty that comes with winning? I havent seen the winner from last year dancing anywhere. I've seen Charles Grigsby, Niko Smith and Mandisa more times than Ive ever seen the winner boy from SYTYCD and Shit, he didnt even get a guest spot on Dancing with the stars! How prestigous can this competition be?? I am just confused. However I am mildly entertained enough to keep watching. Besides I have to see if the lil alcoholic boy relapses. If so they can put him on A&E's intervention and maybe he will gain some celebrity..but it wont be from this shit, TRUST.

Finally, I get to discuss my Memorial Day weekend and the cookout that almost turned into an episode of cops. It starts with my idea to have a mini cook out at my mothers place (cause she has the grill, the pool, and the patio enclosure, oh and the money for food) with me and the boy and the man and mom and dad. The man suggests that we go to the DC Wharf to pick up some crabs for our lil event. So, at 6:45 am Sunday morning I am filling up on caffinated water and ephedra diet pills and driving to the watefront. After much haggling (I dont do that shit, I leave it to the man) we got a 1/2 bushel of live jumbo males for $106. Now, I am siced cause I get to cook crabs which I havent done in years.

Mom and I spend the rest of the morning cooking and preparing the other food, cause if you know anything about crabs, you know that they arent really food. They are good, but you would have to eat the whole bushel yourself in order to get halfway full, and even then you would be hungry again inside of an hour.

I run out to grab a few last minute items, and when I return my step sister and her family are there. Apparantly they were invited as well. Now I dont dislike my stepsister, I mean she is alright if you like the completly spinless, refuses to do anything to her nappy ass head, pickaninny braided, no cooking skills having, let your husband spend up your money and order you around type. Her kids are alright I guess, if you like the whiney competitive type where they only eat rich folks food. Frankly I aint even gonna sugar-coat the husband. He is a former drug addict, current alcoholic with a nepoleon complex who looks like someone hit him in the face with a rubber mallet and a bag of nickels.

I return from the store to Pande-motherfuckin-monium! This short fat asshole is trying to cook my damn crabs. Not only is this fuck trying to cook them, but he is trying to BOIL them. All at once! In one fucking pot. My hundredandsixfucking dollar blue crabs! I told him to go fuck himself he aint put in on shit! Suddenly I am the bad guy! I am trying to fuck up the cookout cause I dont want my damn expensive ass crabs bobbing in water. I am being hushed and being told its "Okay". Pardon the fuck out of me but no its not OKAY! Fuck him and I dont care if he gets mad. Anyone with an ounce of sense knows you steam crabs not boil them you fucking drunk midget! When I got no support from the rest of the family, I bounced. I knew it was either going to get bloody and ugly real fast or I was gonna have to go. So I grabbed my keys threw the boyfriend the duece and rolled.

Half an hour later I come back, and my shit is boiling on the stove and I aint saying shit. You want Avin to shut the fuck up, then thats what she will do. I am not helping any of you fuck up my shit anymore. Needless to say the crabs were soggy and fucked up. Each one poured its own personal river when you opened it. No words can convey how pissed off I was about that shit.
So I made myself a solemn promise. When next I am in the company of that short fat fuck, I am going to make him a nice tall glass of Dieter's Iced Tea. You may have got me once asshole, but it will never happen again. Next time you do anything I dont particularly care for, I am going for your throat.

So thats that, another fun filled weekend where I try not to kill someone. Hope yours was better than mine. In fact, I would love to hear from anyone who's weekend yielded an actual fight. And no I dont mean the Hughes vs Gracie debacle Saturday night and may I say a big WTF to that!
Later folks.

Trying Harder...Day 1

So, in an effort to get my shit together on this blog thing, I have decided its a good idea to address each of the topics that I brought up in "I'm Terrible" over the course of a few days, or until I get tired and Pork Rind gives me more of her work to do. Oh and YES I will be discussing Ms. Carey and her fashion or lack thereof, but not in this particular posting. Here is the letter I just wrote to the Devine Ms. O. or as we underlings call her Oprah. I wanted to say something about the Legend's Ball/Weekend special that was on Monday night. Oh and a big fuck you to Dubya for making me wait an entire week to see it so he could talk about shooting the immigrants back into Mexico. Anywho, here's the letter.

Dear Oprah,

I wanted to write and let you know how much your Legend's special meant to me. I am going to try not to cry as I write this, since I am about to go into a meeting in a minute. I was moved to tears from the moment your guests started arriving. Not only was I in awe of the legends, but I was inspired by the "Youngins" you chose to carry on and continue their traditions. I was most pleased to see that black women of all colors were represented, because being a light skinned black woman, I think that sometimes people don’t consider us "black enough". I don’t mean you Oprah, I just mean sometimes black folks have a tough time recognizing other black folks as black. I am beginning to ramble, but I just wanted to let you know how inspiring and amazing your special was and I feel like the world got to see that black women really do love each other, and we really do want to see each other succeed. Thank you so much and I hope you put the special on DVD so that we may all watch it again and again.

I wanted to tell her how some of them crab ass hating bitches on the board were talkin shit about it and how these triflin ho's are the reason I felt like I had to write the letter in the first place, but I wasnt trying to put a negative spin on the situation. I also should have asked about getting a copy of that picture they took, but I thought that would surely land my letter into "File 13". Well gotta go, Lost is on tonight and I plan to discuss all of the crazy quirks, turns and general scary bullshit I watched when I log on tomorrow.

Oprah's Lemon Martini's for everyone! See ya!

I’m terrible

I am a terrible spiteful, evil thing for neglecting my own blog for the safety and hilarity of others. I have committed whole blocks of time to the reading of my beloved “gossip rags” and yet every time I think about my poor excuse for a blog I cringe.
Why when I have a wealth of opportunity and material working here at this job. Why when I could discuss such great topics as my new fat boss and her many nicknames. *sidebar* just know that if its pork related, it’s her I am referring to. I could discuss my best friend and her new business as she has gone and appointed me her “MAC Cosmetic’s Correspondent” Somehow she manages to update her blog every stinking day. I could discuss Oprah’s Legend’s Ball/Weekend and how I fought back tears just watching the damn thing and no I don’t give a damn that Mariah’s naked again thank you! Just watch the show and shut up. I could go over all of my favorite show’s season-enders and how my addiction to LOST has now infected my boyfriend. I still can’t visit those eerie ass websites though. Some shit is too much even for me. I could chat about my oh so hum drum life and how I am feuding with my apartment people for like the 50-11th time in 5 years because everything in my apartment is broken including the ceiling. Perhaps I could regale you with stories of my super cute pup Maddie or my super crazy mother Carolyn or my super mental boyfriend?
I could discuss all these things at length every stinking day; however I choose to waste my life away reading blog after blog about celebrities I will never meet or know. These are e-people who have taken both the time and the energy to make my life a little more joyous by showing me pictures of Britney Spears falling, and Golden Brooks looking like the Chronicles of Noyadidnt. I am particularly embarrassed to report that while I have done zero updating since my bout with nicotine and my parting of ways with a former friend who shall remain nameless, I have actually been irritated when my favorite blogs haven’t been updated in a timely manner. The NERVE of me, I mean really! So here I sit, trying to discuss what could would or should be entertaining in the life of a woman working in the Maryland burbs. I can think of NOTHING. All I can think about is how I want to go home, how I wish I hadn’t read all my favorite blogs so damn early in the day, and how I hope Pork Belly doesn’t need me to do anything else this evening before I leave, and how I wish that my body looked remotely like this.



Damn you Furtado! Here I sit looking like a bag of Idaho Gold’s and you have the audacity to be thin! I am gonna overdose on tuna and Asian Salad from McDonalds.
Oh and MySpace is the EmmEffing Devil. I boycott it! I don’t believe in it, support it or acknowledge its existence. If I were able I would “crush it like a jelly bean” a la LL Cool J’s I’m bad video. Anti-Christ I tell you. I gotta go, looking at those pictures is starting to piss me off again.

YOU WONT WIN BITCH!

So this is day one on Zyban. For those that don't know its basically an antidepressants that they figured out helps with smoking cessation. In laymans terms, someone depressed quit smoking and they took notice. So, I decided about 3 months ago that I wanted to quit. I am a 16 year smoker, not heavy but not all that light either, with short fuse and a penchant for all things bad for me. I kinda laughed at the whole "quitting" thing for a while because I felt like I had been doing it so long that it was a part of my identity....but then I started having pains.

apparently smoking and acid reflux are in direct opposition to each other because for every cigarette I smoked, my whole digestive tract would cry out in agony. Finally, some sort of negative association that I can work with! Basically, all those stop smoking ad's that come up on the TV don't count for shit with smokers. We laugh at that shit and light up again, and we figure the only people dumb enough to fall for those "Truth" ad's are non smokers. The pain however was enough to make me seriously rethink my habit.

Not cause I hate it, not cause I think its bad or wrong or gross. Not cause I bent to pressure, or I have a fear that people wont like me or want to be around me cause I am a smoker. Not because it will give me cancer eventually, not because its costing me a fortune and not because I give a damn about any non smoker's rights, second hand smoke or what my boyfriend's family might think. NO, its not cause of any of those reasons. I didn't join the other team and I will not jeer, belittle, cough or wheeze at other smokers now. I simply wont do it because in my heart, in my make up, I am a smoker, and frankly I like my right to puff carcinogens into the night air.

The only reason I am quitting is because I am in horrendous pain, and frankly I don't wanna be in pain AND thirty battling smoking. I am exhausted, and if this is the way I go get unexhausted, then that's what I do. Which brings me to the title of this entry "You wont win bitch" which happens to be the other driving force in my quest to quit. This bitch, who shall remain nameless who up until my trip to Europe, I considered a good friend. She is now more like a jealous petty backstabbing associate who I am sure would shit on her own mother for a wedding ring and the opportunity to say "I got married first!"

This particular bitch is also a smoker, but she is one of those fake ass wanna be smokers that started in college on a whim and became full blown at 25 or 26. She is a rusty dusty ass smoker who fills up her car ashtray instead of pitching those joint out the window. She cant go more than 5 min in the car without lighting up, rain, snow, sleet, cold or heat. No weatherpattern or length of time between jacks is enough to stop her.

So yesterday, in chat (which I vowed not to go back to after the Europe incident) she is going on and on about her quest to kick the habit. Rewind: See before we left for Europe I said to her "Girl, I gotta quit, my stomach is on fire and I cant be thirty puffing on this shit" Said bitch politely looked at me and said "Ehh I don't know, I'm not ready to quit just yet" to which I replied, "well I gotta cut it out, but I cant do it before we leave, its gonna be to hard not to smoke in countries full of smokers" Bitch agrees, and lights up again, having and expressing no intention of quitting.

Fast Forward to yesterday. The whole chat crew (yuuch I hate that) is praising her for trying to quit. They are asking questions, and cheering her on like Zab Juda or some shit. Mind you, I mentioned again last week that I was quitting but no one gave me that type of ass kissing respect. Now IMO there are only a few reason why they wouldn't. 1. The don't figure Imma quit. 2. They don't care if I'mma quit or 3. They like kissin that bitches ass.

Whatever the reason, I am fuckin incensed! The bitch wasnt even thinking about Zyban until I told her I got a script for it. The bitch doesn't even have a good reason (other than she stole my 30 year old excuse) for quitting. She is just on some old "I wanna be like Tiff" shit again. You want to be me so motherfuckin bad and I just don't understand why???

But, I digress....This rookie, 10 year college smoker, swinging from my tits is NOT gonna beat me to quitting. FUCK HER! I don't roll like that! Go buy yourself another pack of Newports and shut the fuck up, but I promise you will not get to the finishline before I do. Now, I am going upstairs on the roof to puff and make this week count. I pray for those souls who anger me in the next few weeks, but that bitch is going down!

Kitchen Confidential

How excited am I that they are turning this book into a TV show??? This book is an absolute must read if you have ever worked in a restaurant. I actually miss working in that environment now cause of Bourdain. Oh and if you do manage to read it, I hope you arent the type that offends easily. Personally, I love this guy! He is my type of dude all the way, but I have issues.

I dont have a whole lot to report today, so I guess this will be it.
Im going to go pretend to clean up.