Would You Be My, Could You Be My..Won't You Be My Neighbor

My stress levels are out of control and I can’t seem to find any peace lately.

If I haven’t said it here before, I am finally moving out of my shitteous apartment (you know the one with the leaky roof/shower, gang activity, radio thieves and the bat) at the end of September. This would be a wonderful thing for me to report, except I am moving back in with my parents after living on my own for the last 10 years. Actually, that isn’t correct, I got divorced about 9 years ago, and for 5 years I lived with my ex-husband in various places that make the apartment I am leaving now look like the Palace of Versailles. Before that I lived with he and his sister, and well if you don’t count the 6 months I had to move back in with my folks between the divorce and moving out on my own, I haven’t lived at home since I was 14. That’s 16 years by my estimation. That’s a long ass time to get used to having your own rules, and privacy.

So, why am I moving back in with my teenage son in tow? Well you are already hip to the apartment scenario, so that's one. B, I am broke and the rental office seems dead set on charging me more money, to live in their slum. Article 7, I am trying to save money and possibly be able to purchase a home next year. Paragraph 14, I am tired of my fucking radio getting stolen, and last but finally not least...my fucking neighbors suck.

The don’t just suck a little either, and its not just this particular group. I have lived in this craptacular hovel for 5 years, and there have been 4 different sets of neighbors next door, each with their own set of issues. The first neighbors were a family of 5. I am pretty fucking sure that is a two bedroom apartment next door, but nevermind. The husband came banging on my door at 7 am on a Sunday morning. If he had known anything about me at all, he would have known that its not appropriate to speak to me before 7 am on ANY day of the week, let alone a Sunday. That right there set him up for failure with whatever he hoped to discuss with me.

Turns out it was my smoking that caused him to wake me the fuck out of a dead sleep. Apparently my smoking was filling his entire apartment with smoke and his children had asthma. I asked him had he spoken to maintenance, because the 3 cigarettes I smoked in the evenings shouldn’t be "filling" his apartment with smoke. Apparently he didn’t like my response. I think he was angling for me to say I would quit. People are hysterical.

Anyway, after not getting me to comply with his implied demand at 7 am on a fucking Sunday morning, he proceeded to tell me how the walls were so thin he could hear all of my conversations. I couldn’t figure out what that was supposed to mean to me either. Sure, I am loud as fuck and most times talking about something completely inappropriate, but hey who doesn’t? Then his wife pops her head out of the door, I guess she was going for the hard sell with the baby in her hands.

I agreed with him that the walls were thin, and that I could hear his baby crying morning, noon and night. I also reiterated that he needed to speak to maintenance and stopped short of telling him to kiss my ass and go eat a dick for waking me up so early. See, I can be nice. I said goodbye and chained three jacks. Sure I didn’t usually smoke that early, but hey I was up. They moved out shortly after that exchange, but I mean come on, there were 5 of yall in a damn 2 bedroom, you needed to go anyway.

The next group was either 2 or 3 guys...I could never tell. They didn’t speak AT ALL or make eye contact. They didn’t cause me any problems but I swear they were setting up a terrorist cell. They had visitors at all hours of the day and night, and I couldn’t be sure, but I don’t think either of them worked. Anyway, they left before their year was up.

Then came the college girls, or just out of college girls. They were young and really excited to have their first place. How do I know that? The walls are thin remember? So they moved in and their respective boyfriends were always there. They started off with me bad because they were just loud and partying till 3 and 4am on work nights. That and they didn’t understand that even if you don’t request solicitation, its still your job to clean it up if it lands on your doorstep. After staring at a pile of leaflets and phonebooks for 3 weeks, I finally tacked a note on their door. It just basically said that there was no maid service in the complex, and even if they didn’t want the shit, its still their shit. Oh and stop kicking that phone book down the hall, no one is coming to take it away for you. They calmed down about 2 months in, and suddenly one of the boyfriends disappeared. Shortly before they moved out, "the boyfriend" (mine not theirs) told me he overheard a fight between the girls and the left over boyfriend about living in sin and all sleeping in the same bed and having sex and what not. I didn’t personally care what they did long as they were quiet, but they were gone earlier this summer.

This brings me to the final set of neighbors a couple from Pennsylvania. And not just any couple, a white couple, in my crap ass neighborhood. Not that there aren’t white couples in my neighborhood, its just not common, and its also not exactly safe. One block up, and one block over you have more single family homes and white people than a few, but where I live, not so much. Something tells me they didn’t get a good feel for the neighborhood before they agreed to the place. First, they blocked me in with the moving truck. Then, the broke the door to the apartments moving shit in. They, like the young girls don’t believe in picking up their own solicitation shit. They also fight every single night. Not just squabble, I am talking full on Fucks and Bitches at 3 am. EVERY NIGHT!

Oh wait I take that back, some nights they don’t fight, some nights they get high and watch horror movies at 2am and then act out every scene. They even get the dog involved in their nonsense. So that’s screaming, cussing, fighting, full volume TV, trash piling up, dog barking bullshit. What do I do to deserve these people??? I mean why is this okay? I already know that the girlfriend hates her job, and doesn’t get off till like 1am, and the boyfriend doesn’t materialize until 10 or 11 pm from his job. I just cant be that invested in your personal business, even if the walls are thin.

I do however appreciate knowing that while you interrupt my sleep at 3 am, I have the esteemed pleasure of introducing you to the world of MTV Jams at 6am every morning…Volume 10, *smile* Seriously…Ask about me. I am not sure how familiar they were with Lil John's Snap Ya Fingers, but I trust that they know most of the words now, as it comes on at least twice in an hour. I can’t guarantee its working, but the less drama they cause me at night, the lower I will keep the volume in the morning. It’s just that simple.

The trick is to just hold on and make it to Sept 30th without kirking out on these people, or launching a full scale Rick Ross assault. I mean, I have waged war against a neighbor or 5 in my day, but I just don’t think I have the energy right now, I still have to pack for shits sake! I just want quiet.